Postpartum Depression (PPD) Community
don't know whether it's PPD or not
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don't know whether it's PPD or not

Hi,
I am 24 years old, and I have 3 children. A 4 year old, a 3 year old, and a 2 week old. I just know there's something wrong with me. No matter how hard I try, I just can't feel close or attached to my baby. It's not just the newborn, but the other two as well. I breastfeed as much as I can, and I plaster that smile on my face, but it's not what I feel. I am trying so hard to just feel love for my babies, but it just isn't happening. I just end up crying over her because I feel so bad and guilty over not feeling the way I want to. I take care of them all the way I should but it feels to me like I HAVE to, and not that I WANT to. I battled the whole way through her pregnancy because I did not want a third child. She's so beautiful and precious and I know she deserves all the love in the world and I hate myself over this. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and recurrent general anxiety while I was pregnant, and was put on Welbutrin sr 200 mg/day. I feel no better than before I started taking the meds and now I'm so scared it's getting worse. I would never hurt a child but I can feel this terrible indifference growing inside me and all i want is to feel love for them all. I can't feel anything but hurt and guilt and anger. I already see a counselor but nothing really helps. I worked full time up until I had her and have to cut my maternity leave short so i can start bringing money back into our household. I am torn in half over that too because I'm not even sure if more time is what i need. If i don't go back soon my entire family will have no where to live because I am the breadwinner. i just don't know what to do.
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I am so sorry you are going through this.  First off, I would try switching medications.  If you aren't feeling any different, maybe Welbutrin isn't the right medication for you.  I always take Zofran after I have a baby.  It helps me pretty quickly.

2nd, did you feel this way toward your other 2 children before having #3?  Or was this put in motion after having baby #3?

It sounds like you are doing all of the right things.  The first few weeks are sooooooo hard after having a baby.  I don't feel half normal again until they are about 3 months old or so.  When things get hard, I just remind myself that they are only little for a short time.  I have 6 kids and I just can't believe how fast they grow up.  And I know that as hard as things seem sometimes, before I know it, they will be grown and gone.  

Just last night I was watching part of a movie.  Some woman on this movie had never married or had children.  She was sitting there reflecting on how much she hated being alone.  I think I would hate coming home to an empty house.  I don't think I would know what to do with myself.  

Those are just some of the things I think about when I feel super stressed....

My advice is to def continue to go to counseling and talk about your feelings a lot.  Pin point when you started feeling this way.  And I would def try a new medication.  It could make all the difference in the world.

I wish you luck and I hope you come back and check this.  Please PM me anytime you want to talk.
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