7 Weeks Pregnact & Ectopic

[Priver]

My husband and I have done 3 rounds of IVF and finally found out that we were pregnant.  After our 2nd ultrasounds 3 days ago, they confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy--out 1st successful attempt ended up this way.  Needless to say I am tired and emotionally drained. I was given Methoxtrate and will have to be monitored every 3 days until my hormone levels go down from1900 to zero.  I've been emotionally and physically exhausted over the last few days and at times I have been fine.  My husband on the other hand has been detached and unemotional about things, preferring to see it as the removal of something that threatened my life.  He's told me to not look at the pregnancy sites that tell you how your baby is at this point as this to him will just make me attached.  He is also not interested in discussing the ordeal at this point. According to him, my tiredness is psychological as I appear fine.  He has told me that if something happens to me, should I start to get sick, he'd know and would take care of me at that point.  He can't seem to understand my fatigue and emotional exhaustion.  I've just gone through a weekend of doing my usual chores, work and class without him batting an eyelid. After some complaint from me on his lack of sensitivity, he told me to stop milking the situation.  He'd been really supportive during the IVF process but now I am worried.  Is it just me or am I right in thinking I need to consider our desire to have children?   Is my tiredness normal?  Technically I am still 7 weeks pregnant so I think it is not unusual that I am tired.

[Priver]

Thank you all very much for your kind words. Reading them made me feel a little more sane and has made the loss easier to go through. I also feel much more clear-headed (although still have daily ups and downs). One never thinks that you'll be the one that has to go through this and it is not something that is openly discussed in public so i hadn't really known how to cope. I sometimes forget that men ... are men ... and that they experience life differently--thank you for putting things in perspective.  He has been trying to understand and has been a little more sensitive. I don't have to go in to the Dr ever 2-3 days anymore and am down to weekly visits for now, until my numbers go down. I guess the good news is that I didn't have to get a second round of Methoxtrate shots.  Thank you all for your responses.

[IsabelleCanada]

I'm so sorry for your loss... I suffered an ectopic aswell and my husband, although very educated and smart, never got how sad and devastating it was for me... it's just that men are more "bottom line" kinda humans... as we're into details and the road to get there... your husband loves you but doesn't have the ability to see this beyond a medical intervention like apendicitis... don't hate him for it, it's beyond his ability. He loves you and this is not about your love for each other.

Make sure you grieve your loss, it's ok to be sad and to cry, it's ok to feel like you've lost something very important. Grieve and move on to the next phase: getting a baby!

Take care of yourself and good luck. You're not alone in your sadness, many of us here have exeprienced a miscarriage or an ectopic... WE GET IT!

Find comfort here with us...

[SoCalTricia]

Let me just echo the comments of everyone here...I'm so very sorry you're going through this. It's a devastation no woman should have to deal with. And I agree with everyone else...men just handle the loss and disappointment differently. They tend to jump right back into life - like the normalcy of their daily routine helps them get through what's going on inside of them. While we women want to absorb things and FEEL them before we let them go. And, really, both ways are completely normal and appropriate. I wouldn't take anything your husband says or does at this point to heart - *neither of you are feeling "normal" right now. Don't make any rash decisions now...Pam is right. You're technically still hormonal...and I know that these hormones have made ME a raving lunatic at times! Give yourself time to heal, both physically and mentally. And remember that mantra that has gotten me through many tough time...no matter what happens, this too shall pass. There is no reason why you can't continue TTC. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing!

Tricia

[Van73]

Please take heart. I am so sorry for your loss, frustration and the feeling you are having are NORMAL> I had a missed miscarriage in 2007. My husband  and were so excited, went to the ultra sound to see if we could see our Little bean........unfortunately, the baby died at 6w7d, there was no heartbeat. I was torn up and an emotional mess. My husband, held in all his feelings and didnt say much. He said he was upset but it seemed that he was going about life like nothing happened. Me on the other hand, I was so tired, drained and angry. I was angry because of our loss and because my hubby didnt seemed fazed. But I was wrong. Like my dr said, men handle grief much differently. The baby doesnt seem real to them because it didnt happen in their body. It is something they cant relate nor connect to. I bet your husband is hurting just as much as you but he doesnt know what to say or do. Just talk to him and know that he is there for you. It's hard, I know. I do wish you the best and hopefully you will be able to conceive again soon!!!
Vanessa

[smr08]

Priver- I'm so sorry for your loss. My list is as follows.... 1987 normal pg- 1988 normal pg- 1995 m/c- 1996 ectopic(tube ruptured)- 1997 normal pg- 2008 lost my son at almost 5 months pg. As for men they handle things so differently than we do. My DH handled each loss a different way, sometimes I would get so mad at him. In my heart I believe that they are trying to be strong for us, but at the same time don't realize how cold they are being. When I cry about my son all he has to say is that it will be alright????When? How? My best advice is to take care of yourself and do whatever works for you. The sadness doesn't go away overnight, so take all the time you need. When you begin to feel a little better you can sit and talk to your DH about ttc. I wish you the best.

                   Lori

[YvetteY]

For what it's worth...men just don't relate or even really fell the same way as women about pregnancy, IVF, and miscarriage loss.  They are not as much of a part of it like you are and were.  They don't get their hopes up and dreams up as much as we do when we go through this.   It's like it's not as real for them as it is us.  And they just don't really really understand.   Don't get me wrong, it's not out of insensitivity or anything like that.  I know they feel bad for you and the loss, but it's just not the same as we experience those things.  

I've been through 5 miscarriages, IVF, IUI, the whole nine yards...and DH did try to be supportive, but he just doesn't get it or the experience.   I'm pregnant now and it's like it hasn't clicked in him that I am.  You will find that the majority of men think so much different than women.   He is not experiencing this loss in the same way you are.   I know it's hard to understand that and the support I needed came really from this forum where these women understood what I'm going through.  

For example, here it was not unusual that I wanted to POAS about two times a day during the two week wait.  Where as my DH would complain about the cost of HPTs and me spending $$ on them.   I literally had to sneak them in the house!!  He just couldn't understand why I couldn't wait until the beta test!

I read a lot of books on pregnancy loss and I did see some good ones related to men...Perhaps look for some on the internet.   They were helpful.   I know this is a struggle and you had to be so disappointed that the IVF ended up with a tubal!!  That really *****!! I had a similar experience, but it was the IUI and ending up with a tubal.   It was just terrible I thougth I was destroying a perfectly good baby!   It was one of the hardest things I did taking that methotrexate shot.  

I cried for a few days and had a couple glasses of wine.  I know it's very very disappointing!  I remember having to get the betas until my hcg was down to zero ...it just really *****.  We actually took a vacation after I got the methotrexate shot.  It was nice to get my mind off of things for a while.  

I am sorry for your loss.   I'm just shaking my head for you. I know how disappointed you must feel.  Unfortunately I can't offer any great words of consolation, but in time you will feel better.   Just keep trying, never give up.  It will happen.

[PamelaBee]

Hello, thank you for posting.  I'm very sorry to hear of your recent ectopic. I know this is a tender and delicate time for you.  I wouldn't jump to any conclusions based on what what your husband has said, or his reaction to this loss.  He may be grieving far more internally than you know.  Men have an unusual way of expressing sorrow and loss, he may be totally unaware of his insensitive remarks, only to appear strong for you.  I have never experienced a loss, be it miscarriage or ectopic, but when couples go through this process time after time, I can only imagine the hardship it bestows.  For now, you need to focus on getting your rest and strength back...give yourself permission to do whatever you please to get through this time.  You are on the best forum for help and support.  Many women on this site have experienced similar losses and in spite of what your husband says to stay off these sites, they are actually very beneficial for your (and your husband's) recovery and the healing process.  To know other women (couples) have been in your shoes and can relate and offer their own personal experiences can give you great consolation and closure.  As far as rethinking having children with your husband...don't make any decisions right now, you don't have too.  Any decisions you make now will be based on the remaining levels of hormones still in your body, so take all the time you need to recouperate.  You will know the right thing to do when your mind and body is fully refreshed and recovered.  Best wishes to you, please take care.  Pam