Hi everyone.. just wanted you all to know....

[Mozartcowgirl]

I just wanted to say thankyou so very much for all the words of encouragement... i would also like to tell you guys how i am feeling.. and hopefully.. many of you have felt this way.. because this is not what i remember.. i am sure due to time.. but.. i am just so shocked i have these feelings..

i feel in limbo.. out of place.. like i dont belong anywhere in particular.. i want to cry .. all the time.. and then i end up getting so mad at myself.  i passed the baby.. it wasnt some thing that was just a clot.. or like my ob described.. it was a  baby.. and i freaked out. i didnt know what to do with her.  i put her in a little baby food jar.. i felt like flushing her would be horrific.. and i couldnt take her to mmy ob and just hand her off.  so... i will bury her along with zanes placenta.. along with a seedling tree..a dogwood tree.  I just cant bear this overwhelming feeling of loss.. im so tired of my husband asking me whats wrong. everything and everyone just carries on like there is nothing goingon .. and i am still stuck in this .. this thing.  i know i shouldnt blame myself.. but i cant help it.  i feel so disjointed from everything else.  i dotn even know what to do .. like simple things.. i cant make decisions. i just want to hide from everyone.. i laugh like the joker one minute.. then wonder what shes doing in heaven.. then wonder what things would have been like.. then i ssee babies on tv.. then i want to kick myself. because here i am .. doing this.. and here i have beautiful children here at home!! i go from feeling sory for myself.. to wanting to kick my own asp.. i want to scream at everyone for just moving on.. and then i want to slap myself for not doing the very thing i am mad at everyone else for.. ha!  
I have almost stopped bleeding.. now.. in a way.. its scary.. because that means.. its the end .. of Riley Carolina.. and even when i say her name.. i cant stop crying.  sheesh.

you guys have been awesome.. i guess i just needed to vent.. and i hate to say this.. but when my husband trys to console me.. i just dont like it.. i even get kind of angry.. i dont blame him.. and  i love him very much.. i just dont know how to describe that.  

I am sure i will be alright.. i just .. well.. you know.. hugs to you guys.. and i truly feel blessed that you all are here..

baby dust to everyone


sandra

[cpatow]

Oh Sweatheart,please don't feel bad or that your feelings are wrong.They are so NOT wrong and so normal and natural. You've had a double whammy by passing your little baby and actually seeing her. I think that scenario makes losing your baby so much more visceral and real because it's NOT an unknown "group of cells" or a "clot" but your baby. You should let yourself mourn this as you would any other major traumatic loss. How you feel is completely 'yours" and as individual and your thumbprint.

Please vent here to help augment other support from friends and family. I think the biggest difference that I've seen here is that so many can actually physically and emotionally relate and in a way that our (totally loving and wonderful) family members can't.

We're all here for you
Christina

[adgal]

I am so so sorry.  I also know how you feel, and completely understand the deep sense of loss.  Nobody really knew what to say to me either, and all I can tell you is it does get better as time goes on.  I found this forum to be the only place I could turn where I wasn't hearing things like "its for the best".  Know that there are so many of us here that will be there for you as best we can, and support you as best we can.  My husband also didn't know how to help, and I still have bouts of sadness and depression that it is hard for him to understand.  I found that just sitting him down and as calmly as possible trying to explain my feelings really helped.  How to me it wasn't just a clot or cells, but my child. I know men go through the sense of loss as well, but I don't think its as deeply as the mother does.

Do really nice things for yourself, be a bit selfish right now, and take good care of yourself.   And vent anytime.  I think you need to go through the mourning process in order to start to heal.  You are in my thoughts and prayers also.

[carpediemforlife]

I 100% understand your thoughts and feelings....and the extremes of emotions.  It will take time but you will be just fine. :-) You hubby probably doesnt know how to console you and probably doesnt know what or how to feel.  But I understand your frustration with him. Ive had 2 miscarriages and im 6wk pregnant again.  And to say I am paranoid is an understatement and every pull or tug or change in symptoms just causes my mind to spin.  I still hold that fear of loss in the back of my mind.  But I dont have any kids yet and you are so blessed that you do have healthy kids. Your feelings will pass in time...and vent online anytime you need to if it makes you feel better.

[Jenny100]

Oh Sandra I have tears in my eyes reading this.It is so hard, isn't it? When I lost my baby at 16 weeks along, I thought I was going to die.I truly couldn't imagine EVER getting over the pain.And I would imagine that seeing the little baby is even more traumatizing. I didn't see my little one because I had a D&C. He/she had been dead for 2 weeks and had deteriorated too much to give birth to.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It's agonizing.But know that with time, it DOES get better. If it hadn't happened to me I wouldn't have believed it---but you WILL feel better with time.Right now the pain is fresh and raw, and it's hard to imagine ever being okay with it, I know. Only someone who has been there can completely understand, so don't blame yourself for feeling anger towards others.I remember I hated seeing babies on T.V too, and I hated going shopping and seeing women with their babies. It just re-opened the wound over and over.
Give yourself time to grieve and express how you feel, just like you have done here. It helps.
We will all keep you in our thoughts and prayers.