OT but really need help

[chitten]

Hi Ladies

As some of you know i have had a bit of a rough time of it since finding out im pregnant.

I will try keep it simple and straight to the point, its a little tricky and this is very hard for me to say but i need some help from outside parties here, its quite a long story so i apologise in advance

I met my ex partner in March 2005 and fell for him hard. Everything seemed perfect, and as my first boyfriend i had no idea how it felt to hurt.

I found out on my 18th birthday (a little after i had lost my virginity to him) that he had been sleeping with his ex partner for 3 months (which i should have guessed as she had been very abusive towards me since day 1)

Well this caused trust issues but we got over them and in 2006 we moved in together

Everything was perfect and we couldnt have been more in love.

In Feb 2007 he came home and told me he didnt love me. Just like that. he said it had been playing on his mind. At this point in my life i was struggling with medical probs, work worries, familiy problems, and this just topped everything off.

I found out 3 weeks later that i was expecting and in march i miscarried. I told him and he told me he was sorry but it wasnt his problem. I was devastated. My best friend supported me through the ordeal and to show my gratitude i took out a loan and paid for her and i to go on a cruise of the med.

When back i carried on seeing my ex partner as i was so confused, i just wanted answers, and on every occassion we ended up in bed.

It gave me some hope, something to hold onto.

But again my world crumbled when in june he slept with another girl and gave me an infection. My family  found out about this and humiliated and destroyed i sank more into my depression.

This was added to a week later when it was uncovered that back in april, 2 weeks after we broke up and when i was carrying his child, he had slept with my best friend who had seemingly supported me the whole time. At this point i was suicidal.

I decided to ignore him and did so for a month. It wasnt easy but it made me stronger.

After he came back from his "lads holiday" he was lovely, really caring and affectionate and i saw the guy i had fallen in love with.

I got my own house and he used to come over and stay durig the week, we'd go out for drives and sit in with pizza and dvds and things would be perfect for a day or so and then he'd ignore me for days on end.

Well i decided i had had enough. I told him (after he humiliated me by getting with some skank in a nightclub right in front of my face) that i wasnt gonna take anymore of his **** and that was it.

A month later i found out i was expecting and booked myself in for an abortion. I had nowhere to go and noone to turn to and felt really alone with the whole thing.

I told him and he vowed to support me and again became his old loving caring self.

The day of the termination i decided i couldnt go thru with it and decided to keep my baby.

He wasnt happy and screamed at me calling me everyname under the sun and that really hurt.

He came to terms with it and we were getting on ok but there was alot of tension between us.

We continued speaking and on several occassions ended up "together" but after evey time i left feeling hurt and humiliated. The last time this had happened was 2 months ago.

Well 3 weeks ago i stupidly spent the night with him again - he was loving and caring and is the only person to have ever made me feel im worth something and for that one night everything seemed perfect.

It wasnt.

The next morning her flew off to Italy to shack up with some girl h had met just a month before. I told him how i felt and that he had hurt me again and he didnt care.

He doesnt support me and texts maybe once a week just to "see how im doing" which infuriates me. Why does he make out he cares when he clearly doesnt??

Well now all i feel for him is resentment, and its really causing me alot of stress.

As much as we have been thru i want my little girl to know her daddy but hes hurt me so bad and so often i find myself being really really nasty to him.

I dont know if its my hormones but i just get so upset with the whole thing and cry constantly.

I want him to either treat me with respect and be involved or just disappear altogether.

Last night we met up and argued and i told him how bad he had made me feel. He asked me if i wanted something to happen between us and i told him no - i cant let him keep hurting me and i know i need to be strong for my little girl.

After that he was again affectionate and cuddly and trying to cuddle me and kissing my tummy speaking to our little girl. I just feel hes constantly trying to mess with my emotions

I just dont know what to do - i cant take these games anymore.

[chitten]

I hope so :)

Feeling a bit better today. Its 9.30am here and im halfway thru a pack of choccie biscuits already. Always good for a bit of feelgood factore (try tell me that when im another stone heavier and spewing my load :)

I had a good think last night and i think he really is just playing games with me and the only reason it hurts is cos deep down i still have feelings for him  (GOD KNOWS WHY) lol!

But i just gotta realise that in life sometimes you need more than love. And its gotta be a two way thing.

Now for these biscuits..............

[baby_edgar]

hey darling,

i truly understand where you are coming from.. my last bf i was with four 3 years and even though i never got pregnant with him he was abusive and only used me.. but you keep going back becuse you have none no other way... well thats the way it was for me.. one day i had just had enough and i told him to f off and i didnt let him back in to my life now going on 4 and a half years later i'm married to the man of my dreams who treats me like a princess.
we go back cause we know no other but in the end someone better is waiting out there for us!

[StressHead]

Sounds to me like he likes having power over you. Some people are like that. You have been doing a fantastic job on your own and you don't NEED him.
You should let him see your child but keep in mind that he will probably play the same mind games with her too :(

Keep up hope, Chick Mr right is out there somewhere xx

[Jame0223]

I know how you feel. I was with one guy for 3 years and we broke up so many times and kept running back to each other. Even when I would find a new guy! I would always find myself choosing between him and another guy. I broke a few hearts in the process. I would always run back to him even when I knew what he had done to me. He cheated on me a couple times...but I am a forgiving person....even when I should not be. Whenever he would get mad at me he would just be nasty to me. He called me names and told me I was childish..when he was the one name calling! I would cry myself to sleep constantly. But he would always come crawling back knowing I would take him back! I was young and naive. I knew there was better out there...I just never thought I could find it. There were lots of girls telling me that they slept with him...just to try and push me away so they could have him. He was very sweet and good looking so he attracted many girls. After meeting my current boyfriend...well getting reaquainted because I've known him since sixth grade lol, I realized that there really is better out there. So when it came to decided who I wanted...I didn't choose him. Of course I was the selfish ***** and he was the saint but I was tired of his **** and I told him that. I told him I couldnt handle the rollercoaster relationship we had anymore and I ended it. We still talked on occasion and he always tried to win me back, but I stuck to it. I think he realized he needed to move on because I haven't talked to him ...well since my miscarriage in sept last year. He found out I was pregnant and I was happy. So it finally stuck in his head that we were not meant to be. I have always been a faithful woman...so even though I talked to him, I never did anything. I was with my current boyfriend and still talking to him. I think I got sick of him trying to get me back so I just cut him off. Thats all you need to do. Be strong and know that you are doing the right thing. You need to put your baby first and ask yourself if he's really worth your feelings anymore...Your little girl is the only one that should be getting all your attention and feelings. He's obviously proved himself unworthly and undeserving of you. Your baby is all that matters to you, and when he realizes this, he'll either step up or get out of the way. Either/or you still have to deal with it. Just think in a year, you'll have your baby, and who knows...maybe a better man. A lot of us can say been there, done that. But what really matters is the outcome. Were not in those relationships anymore...I guess what I am trying to say is that you can do it too. It's going to be tough...but its not out of reach! Whenever you're sad or angry about him...just think about the little girl you're carrying and how grateful you are to have her!

[Talita007]

Hi there,

I just joined in and first of all I would like to tell you to hang in there.  Sometimes we make the wrong choices in life, but what is more important now, if for you to start making the right choice (even if it means cutting this guy loose)

You mentioned that you will be scared that you will resent your baby because she is part of him... I pray that you don't because even though you didn't plan for this to happen, it did and it is your responsibility to love and care for that child. Everybody has a choice in life…you control the life that you want to have with this baby.  Besides, do you want this baby to grow up and see what a damn *** her father is?

Good luck with everything!

[chitten]

I do feel stupid. But im really not a stupid girl. I went to university, have a good job and am halfway through joining the police. I was just begining to do things for me and this happened and i dont regret keeping her one bit, i just regret him. Guess i shoulda realised a long time ago but love is blind eh

[ftogirl]

I felt bad after my first relationship and thought the same kind of things- how could I be such an idiot.  But life somehow goes on and it's not your fault.  Sometimes we can't see the way people really are until we're in deeper than we wish we were.  And looking back we think how could I not see that, but somehow it seems so special at the time we just don't realize what jerks they are and we overlook a lot of things.  Don't blame yourself.  This experience will make you a stronger person in the end.  You now know the kind of character to look for in someone that will spend his life with you.  And you know what is not acceptable.  Do keep in mind like you said earlier- since you are pregnant your hormones are raging and it's going to make things seem way worse than they normally would.  No, you're not going to feel toward him like everything is okay and that's good- use the hurt to keep your distance from him and not give in to his advances.  But in a while (after time passes) you will get to where you can look at him and feel nothing.  It may be months or even years for that to happen, but it will come.  Now that the baby is coming, her life is in God's hands.  Regardless of the circumstances of how she came about, her life is precious in His eyes.  I hope this helps somehow.  Just know my thoughts & prayers are with you.  You can do this!

[loismwallace]

I can honestly say I've been in your shoes. I got pregnant with my daughter, now 12 while I was seperated from my Ex-husband. We just kept running back to each other. I was just as guilty as him. Infact, it went on for 7 years after our divorce. I took me meeting my DH now to realize I was better than that. Because my ex NEVER changed. His personality changed when he changed underwear. Daily!

You can do this...Take your heart out of it for a moment. Is this the life you REALLY want to have? Do you really want this for your lil angel? Believe it or not, our children catch on farely quickly and it will begin to destroy her as well. It definately affected my two children by him. Many time they thought Mommy and Daddy were getting back together. Little did they know we were just playing with each others emotions. It broke their hearts every time. I got stronger and gave up the game.

Now I have been married to the MOST wonderful man alive. I couldn't ask for anything more. BUT!!!!!! I also learned to love myself before I allowed my DH to become a perminant fixture in my life. More love, it took him 3 years to convince me to give up my heart. He was VERY patient...Thank God!

Be strong, hun! You can do this.......I promise.

[chitten]

And im not the sorta girl who sleeps around - he was my first boyfriend and is the only person ive ever slept with and this makes it even harder

[chitten]

The thing is i KNOW this and i just want to get away from it all. I would never stop my little girl seeing her dad unless he lets her down. Ive told him he has one chance with her and if he blows it hes gone!

I know my feelings mean nothing now but i cant just forget what hes done and pretend everythings ok because its not.

I feel like a complete idiot.

If i had never gone back to him and fallen for his s**t in the first place i wouldnt be in this situation. That said, i wouldnt be expecting a little girl and shes my world now.

I just want to know how to be strong and stick to it.

[ftogirl]

Do not allow this man to continue worming his way in and out of your life.  You deserve better than that!  And prayerfulwife is right, he could give you a disease that will haunt you for the rest of your life.  Move on and stand your ground.  You don't need him to make you feel special.  You are a valuable person with a lot to offer.  And you are going to be a mom to a beautiful baby girl!  I know this might seem difficult but just love that little baby for herself; don't think of him when you think of her.  That child is yours- she has your heritage, your genes, and she will grow into the special person you raise her to be.  Of course I realize she will probably visit him and talk to him and hopefully he will give you financial support, but DO NOT go on dates with him and spend intimate time with him.  By doing so, you are basically accepting that you don't deserve better than that and you deserve WAY BETTER!  His years of behavior show that he is not going to change.  My heart goes out to you; I'm sure you may feel very alone right now.  But this time of loneliness will pass.  You are going to make it!  

[prayerful wife]

1st I will say...wow, that's a lot to take in.
As a woman 1st and a mother 2nd, and someone who's been in your shoes your obligation right now is to yourself and the child that you are carrying.  If the man told you from the jump he didnt love you, he meant just that and he's gone out of his way to prove that to you.  
I know this sounds so mean, but I want to shoot straight from the hip and not sugar coat sh*t b/c now aint the time to tip toe around feelings.  You have a few more months to go before that little girl gets here, and she will need a non-nonsense mommy to have her best interests at heart.
As long as you're willing to lay down with him everytime he strokes your ego and not make him commit to having a life with you and that child, you're letting him know it's ok to treat you like sh*t.
It's pretty clear he jumps in and out of bed with anything that's within reach, and the next thing he gives you may not be an infection, but something that you'll take with you for the rest of your life.  No a**hole is worth all that babygirl.  If a man cant help you, then he's a henderance and nothing hurts worse then having a splinter in your finger and in your a**!
My oldest son's father is one of the laziest, most selfish, responsibility dodging idiots I've ever met in my life.  But one thing about it...I picked him and my son shouldnt have to suffer for that.  He pays no child support, doesnt even see him and my son is 9yrs old.  When he calls I hand my son the phone and tell him your dad is on the phone.  I would never be one of those females to keep my son away from his father (unless he's in harms way), nor will I ever bad mouth him infront of my son.  But what I will do is play my position as a woman and a mother and in the end my blessings will come 10 fold b/c I'm doing what I'm suppose to do.
You're going to have to dry the tears Chitten and tighten your laces b/c you're in for 1 hell of a ride.  I say this to you...you may get frustrated, it's not going to be easy, you're going to have feelings of weakness where you're going to want to go back to him and feel like a family.  But you need to make up in your mind right now that grown women dont lay down with little boys who play games.  The responsibilities you have now are far greater then the disappointment your heart may now feel.

I didnt mean to preach, I just wanted to give it to you with no bullsh*t attached!

[loismwallace]

You can do so much better, hun! There really are great men out there, but first you need to love/take care of you and your baby. Love yourself, and then you will find your true love. You are worthy of great love...Be strong!

[chitten]

So far ive done everything alone, the scans, the appointments, setting up trust funds and iv bought everything im ever gonna need and i love her so much already but im so scared im gonna resent my baby cos shes a part of him.

I dont want him to be the one in control anymore, and i dont know why he seems to enjoy hurting me so much but even moreso i dont understand why i let him back in.

How can i still care for a guy whos only ever cared for himself????

Its getting to the stage i think i must have a screw loose :(

[mamaofonetrying42]

I wouldnt waste your time on him anymore. He sounds like a "L" to me.....You are much better then that, and you need to show that to your little girl, that guys cant walk right over you!! It sounds like he only nice to you then he wants something......He can still be in your life for the baby but thats all. Dont take his s***!!!