Aa
Ot but really need ya'lls encouragement...
Ok, so most of you have read the posts about me and my kids father. We're divorced but were trying to reconcile and I have recently found that he is back to his old ways again...sending pictures of his "parts" to a girl and spending more time on the phone with her than he does talking to me. So, I think I'm ready to let him know that I know and tell him that this isn't working, that I don't trust him and I don't feel he respects me or truly cares about my feelings.
The problem is that 9 times out of 10 trying to talk to him turns into a huge fight...usually just a screaming match with name calling (mostly on his part) but it HAS in the past gotten phsyical. I honestly don't think it will this time but there's always that part of me that is afraid. I could easily just wait til he goes to work one day and pack his stuff...put it outside and change the locks but I don't want to be a b**** about this since I'll still have to deal with him on a fairly regular basis becuase of the kids. I have all these things planned inside my head that I want to say but I know that when it comes down to it all it will take is for him to yell one time or throw one insult at me and I'll shut down. I want to get this over with, I want to start moving on with my life.
I know this isn't going to be easy, I have 3 kids and another on the way. But I'm miserable and he just doesn't get it. He's doing all this stuff behind my back and to my face he talks about how much he loves me and what not. It makes me sick to my stomach but I just can't get over this fear/apprehension I have towards having this conversation/fight with him. I already know that I need to have my proof with me otherwise he's going to try and lie his way out. He'll probably still try to lie and make excuses but it's a lot harder with hard proof in front of him. He's going to twist everything around and try to make it MY fault. He's going to point out everything I have done wrong (there's nothing that really has basis to it, I've never give him a legitimate reason to not trust me but he tries to read into things like that my best friend is male even tho he's married and has 3 kids and lives 4 states away).
I KNOW I HAVE to do this, I guess I just need a pep talk.
The problem is that 9 times out of 10 trying to talk to him turns into a huge fight...usually just a screaming match with name calling (mostly on his part) but it HAS in the past gotten phsyical. I honestly don't think it will this time but there's always that part of me that is afraid. I could easily just wait til he goes to work one day and pack his stuff...put it outside and change the locks but I don't want to be a b**** about this since I'll still have to deal with him on a fairly regular basis becuase of the kids. I have all these things planned inside my head that I want to say but I know that when it comes down to it all it will take is for him to yell one time or throw one insult at me and I'll shut down. I want to get this over with, I want to start moving on with my life.
I know this isn't going to be easy, I have 3 kids and another on the way. But I'm miserable and he just doesn't get it. He's doing all this stuff behind my back and to my face he talks about how much he loves me and what not. It makes me sick to my stomach but I just can't get over this fear/apprehension I have towards having this conversation/fight with him. I already know that I need to have my proof with me otherwise he's going to try and lie his way out. He'll probably still try to lie and make excuses but it's a lot harder with hard proof in front of him. He's going to twist everything around and try to make it MY fault. He's going to point out everything I have done wrong (there's nothing that really has basis to it, I've never give him a legitimate reason to not trust me but he tries to read into things like that my best friend is male even tho he's married and has 3 kids and lives 4 states away).
I KNOW I HAVE to do this, I guess I just need a pep talk.
Good job GA! Were all proud of you. Youre finally giving him what he deserves. If he meant anything he said to you he wouldnt have done anything that he did! But he did, so hes just trying to get you to forgive him like you used to but were glad youre putting your foot down. I think it was better the way that you did it, instead of talking to him. I know that whole breakups should be done in person thing, but i think it was better this way for your safety and this way noone was home to see or hear what happened. In this case he can wander around the house and take a good look at what he lost and maybe realize whats hes done. Youre a strong woman no matter how weak you thought he had made you! Even though you still love him and you will second guess yourself for a while, but soon enough you'll see this was the right thing to do. You nor your kids deserved the things he did. So all us girls have to say is...YOU GO GIRL, KICK HIS A$$ TO THE STREETS!
Well he's supposedly packing his things to leave. I haven't been home yet so I can't say for certain but I believe he is. He knows this time he's screwed up big time and that I'm not playing this game anymore. I'm going to go by at lunch time and pick up the locks that I took to be rekeyed (old locks from work that I had rekeyed so they were all the same) then I'm going by the house...if he's there I'm not stopping, if he isn't i'm going to see if he's gotten his stuff.
My gut feeling tells me he's going to leave relatively peacefully....by that I mean, he's going to apologize and feel sorry for himself and get mad...but that he'll pack up and go.
But I'm still being cautious. My boss is worried... I talked to her about this awhile ago. She knows that he can have a temper and there was a case here recently where an estranged husband beat his wife to the brink of death then threw her out the door to police telling them to "come get her if you're brave enough" there was a long stand off and he was eventually shot to death when he came out blazing at the officers. All becuase he had been served divorce papers.
I really don't think he'll go that far (but I HAVE been known to be wrong) I think at this point if anything he'd do something to himself. That part scares me becuase a) I DO love him and b) the effects it will have on the kids. But like my boss said *I* have got to stop trying to fix him and babysit him, HE needs to take care of HIMSELF now.
I'm still going through a million conflicting emotions right now but I've kept my foot down and told him in no uncertain terms that I am THROUGH being treated that way. I'm THROUGH with being made to feel inferior, 2nd best, worthless.
He text messaged me a little bit saying he was "sorry, truly and sadly sorry" then another that said he wished he could get help for his depression. He has no insurance, the VA won't help him and mental health here is a joke. I texted him back with the phone number and website of a place called "pathway christian counseling" . Becuase they are a ministry they don't turn people away for inability to pay...they do in person, on the phone and online counseling. I pray he uses that information. IF someday he has managed to work through his issues I may reconsider becuase I KNOW people can change if they get the help they need and they truly want it. But, for now I can't help him until he takes the steps to help himself.
My gut feeling tells me he's going to leave relatively peacefully....by that I mean, he's going to apologize and feel sorry for himself and get mad...but that he'll pack up and go.
But I'm still being cautious. My boss is worried... I talked to her about this awhile ago. She knows that he can have a temper and there was a case here recently where an estranged husband beat his wife to the brink of death then threw her out the door to police telling them to "come get her if you're brave enough" there was a long stand off and he was eventually shot to death when he came out blazing at the officers. All becuase he had been served divorce papers.
I really don't think he'll go that far (but I HAVE been known to be wrong) I think at this point if anything he'd do something to himself. That part scares me becuase a) I DO love him and b) the effects it will have on the kids. But like my boss said *I* have got to stop trying to fix him and babysit him, HE needs to take care of HIMSELF now.
I'm still going through a million conflicting emotions right now but I've kept my foot down and told him in no uncertain terms that I am THROUGH being treated that way. I'm THROUGH with being made to feel inferior, 2nd best, worthless.
He text messaged me a little bit saying he was "sorry, truly and sadly sorry" then another that said he wished he could get help for his depression. He has no insurance, the VA won't help him and mental health here is a joke. I texted him back with the phone number and website of a place called "pathway christian counseling" . Becuase they are a ministry they don't turn people away for inability to pay...they do in person, on the phone and online counseling. I pray he uses that information. IF someday he has managed to work through his issues I may reconsider becuase I KNOW people can change if they get the help they need and they truly want it. But, for now I can't help him until he takes the steps to help himself.
At this point it is about the safety of your babies. Don't give in!!! He's trying to manipulate you. And if he plays the suicide card, tell him he still has to get out and you'll call the police to follow him. The reason he's changing his story/emotions is to try to find a crack in your wall of resistance. DON'T LET HIM IN!
He'll ALWAYS be sorry...He wants his cake and to eat it too. Who wouldnt if he is being allowed to do it, know what I mean? He wont stop because after awhile he'll do it again cuz he knows he can just say sorry and you'll forgive him. You have to be the mature adult and say enough is enough! God Bless You!!!
Thanks! I'm trying, I really am. So far I'm doing good. Even when he called with his pity party saying he was sorry I just said that I was too but I refuse to keep going through this.
You can not worry about him. He sounds like he is a miserable person and you cant be the one that fixes him. He needs to do it himself. OMG please dont give in to his pitty party. If he cared at all about you he would not keep doing this over and over. There is a reason you got divorced in the first place. He was talking to another woman every day...he said and did horrible things and you just need to stay strong and do it for your children. They dont need to be around all this "is daddy staying or going" mess...STAY STRONG.
Well he called me.
the first time he was crying saying he was sorry, he never meant for this to happen, that he told this girl he couldn't talk to her anymore, he said he told her why, that he really does love me, he's sorry, he's packing his stuff...he's gonna try and get help blah blah.
so I get off the phone all worried becuase I KNOW he's depressed tho he hasn' tbeen clinically diagnosed and he's already had one suicide attempt/threat in nov 05 and he now owns several guns.
Then next few calls were him arguing, turning things around, accusing me of things, then everythign I said he twisted. He said I read too much into things... I finally said I wasn't the one who told someone else I should have married them instead..then i added "so screw you" and hung up
He called back AGAIN ...more of the same
called AGAIN to ask if I had REALLY bought the new washing machine he gave me money for or if I just wanted the moeny from him...I said I really bought it so he asked if he could have the old one becuase the one at his dads (where he's going to stay) is broken. So I said fine.
He calls back AGAIN ...this time back to feeling sorry for himself, said he was never looking for anyone else, he was just looking on the internet, that I could ask his brother, that he talks more highly of me now than he ever has. Said he had tried to get help but no one will help him. Said he was sorry a few more times, he knows he F'd up again, like he always does, story of his life and said bye and hung up.
Soo, it's going to be a very LOOOOOOOONG day for me. I'm worried that he's gonna do something stupid but so far I've put my foot down. We'll see.
the first time he was crying saying he was sorry, he never meant for this to happen, that he told this girl he couldn't talk to her anymore, he said he told her why, that he really does love me, he's sorry, he's packing his stuff...he's gonna try and get help blah blah.
so I get off the phone all worried becuase I KNOW he's depressed tho he hasn' tbeen clinically diagnosed and he's already had one suicide attempt/threat in nov 05 and he now owns several guns.
Then next few calls were him arguing, turning things around, accusing me of things, then everythign I said he twisted. He said I read too much into things... I finally said I wasn't the one who told someone else I should have married them instead..then i added "so screw you" and hung up
He called back AGAIN ...more of the same
called AGAIN to ask if I had REALLY bought the new washing machine he gave me money for or if I just wanted the moeny from him...I said I really bought it so he asked if he could have the old one becuase the one at his dads (where he's going to stay) is broken. So I said fine.
He calls back AGAIN ...this time back to feeling sorry for himself, said he was never looking for anyone else, he was just looking on the internet, that I could ask his brother, that he talks more highly of me now than he ever has. Said he had tried to get help but no one will help him. Said he was sorry a few more times, he knows he F'd up again, like he always does, story of his life and said bye and hung up.
Soo, it's going to be a very LOOOOOOOONG day for me. I'm worried that he's gonna do something stupid but so far I've put my foot down. We'll see.
Thanks. I just hope this doesn't turn into a battle. I really hope he just packs his **** and leaves. At this point I don't care what he takes as long as he leaves. I also put in my note that I dont' want this to get ugly I just want to move on. We'll see. I'll be surprised if I don't get a phone call soon. He was still asleep when I left this morning.
i am very proud of you. Just pray that things will go smoothly and i really think you made the right choice.
oh and i also put in the letter that he has made his choices and I have made mine and that becuase this was MY choice, I will handle explaining it to the kids.
Well...got home last night and I wanted to feed the kids before I talked to him becuase I knew things would be crazy afterwards...well dipsh!t fell asleep. He didn't sleep all day yesterday after having worked a 12 hour night shift so he completely crashed and I couldn't get him to stay awake. SO, this morning. I wrote him a note. Basically it said, this isn't working. I REFUSE to continue to be played and treated the way I have been. That I want him to pack and take what he can today and he can come back for the rest this weekend. That I would rather he not be there when I get home but that I can have the kids call him or he can BRIEFLY stop by and say bye. I said there was nothing else to say that I just wanted us to go our seperate ways and get on with our lives. I pulled out a suitcase, put it right in the middle of the walkway where he couldn't miss it. Took the copies of somethings I had: specifically the log where he emailed that girl back saying he woulda asked her to marry him instead of his current ex and also the log where he was searching for an ex g/h of his. I also put a copy of the pics I took of his cellphone including the picture of his "part" and a txt msg he sent her. I laid the copies on top of the suitcase, put the note on top of them and set his phone on top of the note so it wouldn't fall off.
Now I'm just waiting for the sh!t to hit the fan.
Now I'm just waiting for the sh!t to hit the fan.
i hope you are packing his stuff while you are being extremly generous my not kicking his butt to the curb as soon as you got home
great advice guys but I have NO FAMILY and NO FRIENDS here. Right now hes asleep so i guess i'll have to wake him up after the kids eat. That's what his dumb @ss gets for not sleeping today after working a 12 hour night shift.
BTW when i say i have no friends or family i'm not kidding...my family is 4 states away and i haven't had time to make any friends here. Sounds pathetic but it's true.
BTW when i say i have no friends or family i'm not kidding...my family is 4 states away and i haven't had time to make any friends here. Sounds pathetic but it's true.
when you do it, please have either a friend there with you or someoen on the phone listening JUST IN CASE. no its not cowardly its smart!
Oh girl, I wish you luck and lots of prayers. I will pray for you on my way home. I'm getting ready to leave now. I am having internet problems at home so I won't be able to check until morning. We/I'm here if you need me!! AND BE CAREFUL!!!!
Oh my! If he has been physical in the past, I wish you wouldn't do this alone. Maybe a family member or freind can be in a shouts distence. Be safe and don't let him stress you. Lots of luck and prayer!
ok guys it's now getting close to quitting time, which means i'll be getting the kids and heading home for that "talk" . For those who pray, pray a LOT for me tonight...pray that I will have the guts to go through with this. For those who don't just wish me luck or whatever.
I wish I could but he'll be home before I will. :( But i'll definately offer to pack his S*** for him
I think you should pack up as much of his stuff as possible and have it waitng by the door so that he knows you are 100% serious and there will be no sweet talking his way back into your life
Thanks. I just hope I can keep my nerve and wits to go through with this tonight
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