Aa
So upset with DH
DH seems to think he should be able to go out with his buddy once a week. I don't think he should with a 19 month old and I am 8 months pregnant. He went 2 weeks in a row this month and I didn't want thim to go last night because I was so tired from my out of town meeting and I was achy everywhere. Of course, we had a fight. He thinks I am trying to control his every move. But what man goes out weekly when their wife is 8 months pregnant? He said he needs some space sometime and I was like then be a single guy. I am sorry once you are a parent, you rarely have that luxury. I don't mind him going every once in a while but not weekly. I have plan to go out to dinner with a firend of mine tonight bcause it's her birthday and I think that's why he wanted to go out last night because I get too. I think it's a bunch of BS. I don't go out weekly but maybe once a month. I don't know if it's my hormones or what but I don't seem to be ablt to reason with him. I think he is a BIG A HOLE
You probably aren't going to like this... BUT...
If I were you, I would relax. In every relationship I have ever had, I notice there are "phases." Sometimes you are together 24-7 (especially if you reside together and are married). And sometimes, it seems like days go by and couples get busy and have less contact. I am personally a firm believer in personal space.. Married or not. I think it's perfectly fine if your dh wants to go out with his friends once a week.ALL of my married friends each have "night." A night where the dh stays home w. the kids and the wife goes out with her friends and vice-versa.. Unless you guys are having other big problems, I think this is one you may have to give in on. Especially since the baby is due to arrive next month. I am sure the first month or two he will rarely be seeing anyone other than you and your beautiful new baby (and 19 month old of course!) Please don't get mad.. It's just my opinion... =)
I know sometimes (especially when we are hormonal) we tend to get really upset.. Trust me, I have had all out screaming matches about much less. I guess over time I have just learned that you really have to pick your battles. If he is otherwise a fantastic husband and Dad, I just don't see a point in making this one a fight, you know? And I also want to say that I don't know you or your relationship so I could be WAY OFF.. Everyone is different. I just wanted to throw my opinion in. Best of luck and take care of yourself, girl!
Good luck and have fun w/ your friend for her birthday!
If I were you, I would relax. In every relationship I have ever had, I notice there are "phases." Sometimes you are together 24-7 (especially if you reside together and are married). And sometimes, it seems like days go by and couples get busy and have less contact. I am personally a firm believer in personal space.. Married or not. I think it's perfectly fine if your dh wants to go out with his friends once a week.ALL of my married friends each have "night." A night where the dh stays home w. the kids and the wife goes out with her friends and vice-versa.. Unless you guys are having other big problems, I think this is one you may have to give in on. Especially since the baby is due to arrive next month. I am sure the first month or two he will rarely be seeing anyone other than you and your beautiful new baby (and 19 month old of course!) Please don't get mad.. It's just my opinion... =)
I know sometimes (especially when we are hormonal) we tend to get really upset.. Trust me, I have had all out screaming matches about much less. I guess over time I have just learned that you really have to pick your battles. If he is otherwise a fantastic husband and Dad, I just don't see a point in making this one a fight, you know? And I also want to say that I don't know you or your relationship so I could be WAY OFF.. Everyone is different. I just wanted to throw my opinion in. Best of luck and take care of yourself, girl!
Good luck and have fun w/ your friend for her birthday!
I see your point and I think going out a couple times a month by himself is totally appropriate but not weekly. He's never gone out that much until he started to hang out with these single guys. Another reason I am mad is he never asked me to do anything with him. We don't go on dates by ourselves. But then he had to fight so hard with me because he wants to hang out with his friends, does that make sense? How am I suppose to feel? Yes, the baby will be here before you know it and we will have even less time to be alone so what about my feelings?
I actually feel that once a week is too often, so I have to agree with you. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married 7 1/2 of that. If he went out every week, I'd never see him. I work a full time job and am gone 11 hours out of the day. My husband is normally working more than 1 job, so we have Sundays that is our family day. But honestly, Sundays are normally kind of lazy days because we are both so tired from our week and trying to rest up for the next week. Plus that is the only day of the week that I have him there to help out with the kids so I am normally doing laundry and grocery shopping and things like that. Not very romantic, but that is our life. Plus we have 5 kids, so we practically have to schedule 10 minutes together just to have sex!! LOL!! Funny, but I am not kidding sadly enough....
So, I agree with you. I think weekly is too often in my opinion. My husband rarely goes out. He loves the Houston Rockets, so when it is basket ball season, he will occasionally go to a game but it is rare as that is expensive. But that is really it to tell you the truth. And I don't remember the last time I even had dinner with a friend. It was probably a couple of years ago and that was because she was going through a very hard time. Different people have different needs I guess. My DH and I just don't feel the need to have much time to ourselves. We have a very hectic and chaotic life as it is.
So, I agree with you. I think weekly is too often in my opinion. My husband rarely goes out. He loves the Houston Rockets, so when it is basket ball season, he will occasionally go to a game but it is rare as that is expensive. But that is really it to tell you the truth. And I don't remember the last time I even had dinner with a friend. It was probably a couple of years ago and that was because she was going through a very hard time. Different people have different needs I guess. My DH and I just don't feel the need to have much time to ourselves. We have a very hectic and chaotic life as it is.
Hi dollchina,
Relationships and parenthood are the 2 hardest things in life.. Hands down! I think maybe your dh is feeling a little overwhelmed. You have a 19 month old, and a brand new baby due to arrive in a month. He probably wants to go out and feel single again (even though he clearly KNOWS he isn't!!) I think he probably (b/c men are immature) wants to feel like he can still call all of his own shots.. Men are mostly ridiculous and insensitive.. They aren't "built" like us women.
Woman operate on emotions, mostly.. Men operate on facts. It is difficult for them to even TRY and fathom us on an emotional level.. The facts for your DH are .. he is about to be a Daddy again and have 2 children under the age of 2, and I bet he is just freaking out.. I am not totally defending him.. TRUST ME.. I am on YOUR side.. It just sounds like you need a different way to get across to him how you are feeling..
You said he hadn't included you.. Do you have any single friends that maybe some his single friends would have interest in? Maybe you do a cook out at your house and host it, or maybe get a sitter and do a dinner out (although I don't know if you are up to any of that at 8 months preggers!) Just an idea.. There has to be a happy medium where you don't feel left out (all the time) and he doesn't feel like he has lost all power over his life (men are dramatic this way! ). I still think he should be "allowed" a weekly get together w/ his buddies that you are both comfortable with (like maybe say you would appreciate if he was home by 11, or something..).. It isn't a big deal. You have the rest of your lives together.. Good luck!
Relationships and parenthood are the 2 hardest things in life.. Hands down! I think maybe your dh is feeling a little overwhelmed. You have a 19 month old, and a brand new baby due to arrive in a month. He probably wants to go out and feel single again (even though he clearly KNOWS he isn't!!) I think he probably (b/c men are immature) wants to feel like he can still call all of his own shots.. Men are mostly ridiculous and insensitive.. They aren't "built" like us women.
Woman operate on emotions, mostly.. Men operate on facts. It is difficult for them to even TRY and fathom us on an emotional level.. The facts for your DH are .. he is about to be a Daddy again and have 2 children under the age of 2, and I bet he is just freaking out.. I am not totally defending him.. TRUST ME.. I am on YOUR side.. It just sounds like you need a different way to get across to him how you are feeling..
You said he hadn't included you.. Do you have any single friends that maybe some his single friends would have interest in? Maybe you do a cook out at your house and host it, or maybe get a sitter and do a dinner out (although I don't know if you are up to any of that at 8 months preggers!) Just an idea.. There has to be a happy medium where you don't feel left out (all the time) and he doesn't feel like he has lost all power over his life (men are dramatic this way! ). I still think he should be "allowed" a weekly get together w/ his buddies that you are both comfortable with (like maybe say you would appreciate if he was home by 11, or something..).. It isn't a big deal. You have the rest of your lives together.. Good luck!
We do hang out with other couples every so often. I am talking about alone time.....My parents will watch my 19 month old any time but he never initiate a date out. Last time, I asked him to go to a movie and a movie (over a month ago). I was all dressed and ready and he didn't feel like he wanted to go so we didn't. I am resetful of that. He is so eager to do things with his friends but not me?
I just sent him a message to tell him we need to compromise becuase this is not going to work if this continues.
Have you guys ever tried to schedule a no-matter how tired or crappy of a day I have had "date" night? That might be a good compromise to try.. Like every Tuesday at 5:30 your Mom can come sit and you and DH can have a few hours to go on a date, whether it is to the movies, dinner, a walk, to Barnes and Noble to have a drink and read together.. Anything.. Even if your Mom just watched the 19 month old and you and DH hang out at home in a different room with the door closed for privacy?? Do you think he would be willing to do that? Then maybe Thursdays (or every other.. it has to work for YOU TWO.. Not me) he can go out w/ his friends?
I think it is too often. I'm married and have a 3 year old, 13 month old and I'm 22 weeks pregnant. My husband and I never go out. We can't find the time. He works 13 hours days and I work and weekends are family time and chores around the house. He does baths and gets weekend night calls so it gives me a break. We are not the type to be hanging off each other either. Very independant but individual night outs are far and few between. Reality is we have a young family now, we need time with them. Our time will come when they are older.
Welcome to a mans world! Im not trying to sound rude or abnoxious, I just want to state that these girls are 100% correct. Men don't ALWAYS want to be around us period. They need a mental relief of always having to think, men hate to think, they just aren't all that good at it lol. His time with his friends gives him that mental relief, he can go and do *MAN* things that maybe you wouldnt 100% approve of. My hubby goes out once a week with his buddies, and 2 times a month I go with him, but they always make sure I don't know they aren't at the strip club lol, I wasnt born yesturday lol.
Men are not emotional people at all, infact emotions aren't even a learned thing for men, as they can very rarely learn anything on their own lol, Im not trying to bash all men, My hubby is wonderful but he is a man lol.
Your hubby deserves time with his friends, time alone, and time with his family. If you guys don't have your own personal space away from eachother you will literally have a meltdown, or in other words hubby may have a meltdown. They just need a time where they can go out, grab a beer, maybe go to a strip club or a bar, and BS together about stupid man stuff, like who can drink the coldest beer without getting a brain freeze.
Point is, have him make a schedule on paper of the days he plans on going out, work around those days, if he wants to go out on saturdays, then you and him can have dates on fridays or sundays. See if maybe once or twice a month you can go with him, make your own play dates. He goes out saturdays, you go out fridays, and you have family nights on sundays. There is a way to make everyone happy in this situation, you just have to find the strength to do it. And no matter what us women say, you will do as you want and feel which is perfectly fine, but seriously choose your battles well, once you start nit picking on every little thing hubby wants to do, the relationship can become unbalanced.
Men are not emotional people at all, infact emotions aren't even a learned thing for men, as they can very rarely learn anything on their own lol, Im not trying to bash all men, My hubby is wonderful but he is a man lol.
Your hubby deserves time with his friends, time alone, and time with his family. If you guys don't have your own personal space away from eachother you will literally have a meltdown, or in other words hubby may have a meltdown. They just need a time where they can go out, grab a beer, maybe go to a strip club or a bar, and BS together about stupid man stuff, like who can drink the coldest beer without getting a brain freeze.
Point is, have him make a schedule on paper of the days he plans on going out, work around those days, if he wants to go out on saturdays, then you and him can have dates on fridays or sundays. See if maybe once or twice a month you can go with him, make your own play dates. He goes out saturdays, you go out fridays, and you have family nights on sundays. There is a way to make everyone happy in this situation, you just have to find the strength to do it. And no matter what us women say, you will do as you want and feel which is perfectly fine, but seriously choose your battles well, once you start nit picking on every little thing hubby wants to do, the relationship can become unbalanced.
Men are very different from women. A woman can pick up the phone, call a girlfriend and talk and talk and talk all day long. But a man has to physically remove himself and hang out with other men (they don't necessarily talk about their stresses or what is bothering them... it's just a reprieve).
My husband hangs out once a week with his brothers or a friend for a specific period of time. Sometimes it is during the day (when he'd normally be at work).
Men need their space. That is just how they are hard-wired. It is not a personal attack or vendetta against you at all! In fact, having him get some "guy-time" in will help to bond you guys and strengthen your marriage. Give him a little freedom (there can be restrictions if you have a problem with alcohol or nudity or whatever!) so he doesn't feel trapped.
All of what I'm saying is from my hubby's lips to your eyes. Men need space. If you don't give it to them you're in for a long, difficult ride. But you DEFINITELY need a compromise. Just like he needs time with his friends, YOU NEED TIME WITH YOURS! Let him know that if he's going to be able to go out every so often, then he's got to let you out every so often to shop, do your hair, just read and finish a book, whatever! You guys have to have time away from one another, to just have a break, for a change of scenery, etc.
Good luck!!! You guys will work it out and I can't wait to hear an update!
My husband hangs out once a week with his brothers or a friend for a specific period of time. Sometimes it is during the day (when he'd normally be at work).
Men need their space. That is just how they are hard-wired. It is not a personal attack or vendetta against you at all! In fact, having him get some "guy-time" in will help to bond you guys and strengthen your marriage. Give him a little freedom (there can be restrictions if you have a problem with alcohol or nudity or whatever!) so he doesn't feel trapped.
All of what I'm saying is from my hubby's lips to your eyes. Men need space. If you don't give it to them you're in for a long, difficult ride. But you DEFINITELY need a compromise. Just like he needs time with his friends, YOU NEED TIME WITH YOURS! Let him know that if he's going to be able to go out every so often, then he's got to let you out every so often to shop, do your hair, just read and finish a book, whatever! You guys have to have time away from one another, to just have a break, for a change of scenery, etc.
Good luck!!! You guys will work it out and I can't wait to hear an update!
I am sorry, going to a bar is fine with me but not a strip club. I agree it's normal to have our own space every once in a while. And he does go out on his own, he went out 2 weeks in a row and planning on taking off early one day next week to hang with a buddy and that's fine with me. So I think he is getting his space.
Once a week when he has a 19 month old and I am 8 months pregnant and not feel good, to me it's excessive. Fighting over it so much with me is hurtful.
Everyone is different, you may feel that it's perfectly ok for your DH to go out to a strip club or a bar weekly but not me.
The fact is we don't get time what so ever to be alone and he doesn't make an attempt to have a date with me but he does try real hard to have a night with his friends.
Once a week when he has a 19 month old and I am 8 months pregnant and not feel good, to me it's excessive. Fighting over it so much with me is hurtful.
Everyone is different, you may feel that it's perfectly ok for your DH to go out to a strip club or a bar weekly but not me.
The fact is we don't get time what so ever to be alone and he doesn't make an attempt to have a date with me but he does try real hard to have a night with his friends.
Oh, here are some things my hubby does when he hangs out: they play video games, they watch pro-wrestling or they go to a movie, they shoot their guns (they have those stupid air soft guns, but they look real), hiking, etc. My husband has to tell me all the details before he leaves: where they're going and what time he plans on returning. If he's going to be late he calls.
At first he was annoyed that I wanted the info, as if he were a teenager, but when I explained, "I've got two children here... what if something happens? I need to know how far away you are in case I need to contact you!" So he is more willing to oblige if I don't keep calling and bugging him while he's gone. Especially considering that there have been times where emergencies have happened (I put my hand through a window and slit my thumb wide open, severing nerves, had to go to the ER and he was 35 minutes away. WHILE I was pregnant and had a toddler with me).
At first he was annoyed that I wanted the info, as if he were a teenager, but when I explained, "I've got two children here... what if something happens? I need to know how far away you are in case I need to contact you!" So he is more willing to oblige if I don't keep calling and bugging him while he's gone. Especially considering that there have been times where emergencies have happened (I put my hand through a window and slit my thumb wide open, severing nerves, had to go to the ER and he was 35 minutes away. WHILE I was pregnant and had a toddler with me).
Okay now I understand why you're upset. I feel like my husband does this as well. He looks forward to time with his bros but our dates can be "put off". I don't really know what to say about that one except to explain to him how you feel. And how important it is for you to be alone with him, especially before another baby comes.
Well me and my husband have an agreement that we dont go out without each other, and if he doesnt want me doing it, then he shouldnt do it, when he drops his workers off he sits around and has a few beers with them, or when he's home and Im not they play soccer, cook out at my house and stuff like that, we mostly do couple things we enjoy being together but there are days that I stay inside and he goes outside all day working in the yard and what not...
My husband and I have a 5 year age difference (him being younger), so we struggled with this a little shortly after we got married. I think it was even harder for me then because I stayed home at the time and I always felt so alone. And he worked so much, so I couldn't understand. But we have had many problems in our marriage. We even separated in 2003/2004 for 10 months. I have always explained to him that marriages don't just work on their own. It takes work and effort. If it weren't me worried about us having time together, we wouldn't spend any time together at all. I think he has matured some over the years and it's just not an issue anymore. When he's not working, he just wants to be home with me and the kids. I think his priorities have changed over the years. I do understand how you feel. And I like pmperez's way of doing things. That kind of sums up how me and my DH are.
I really hope the 2 of you can come to meet half way somehow. I can relate though....
I really hope the 2 of you can come to meet half way somehow. I can relate though....
Hey,
I know how you are feeling, after we had our son, hubby was the same way. ALways wanting to go out! But now after awhile he has "clam" down a bit. Knowing that he just cant do that stuff anymore. But what gets me is even know he goes out more then I do, and most of the time If I do go out with out him I have alway taken the baby with me. But if for some reason I just dont want to take the baby with me, he gets all upset like I have to take the baby, and if Im gone longer then what I said i would be he gets mad. But Im like How offend do I go out!!! You know!
I know how you are feeling, after we had our son, hubby was the same way. ALways wanting to go out! But now after awhile he has "clam" down a bit. Knowing that he just cant do that stuff anymore. But what gets me is even know he goes out more then I do, and most of the time If I do go out with out him I have alway taken the baby with me. But if for some reason I just dont want to take the baby with me, he gets all upset like I have to take the baby, and if Im gone longer then what I said i would be he gets mad. But Im like How offend do I go out!!! You know!
This thread is just proof of how totally different (and fabulous) we all are.. Relationships are work, and ultimately we all have to do what works for ourselves within our own relationships.. Good luck Dollchina. I am sure you and DH will come to some sort of compromise! =)
Laura
Laura
I have to agree thats waaaaaaaay tooo much!! you are so far along in ur pregnancy what would happen if u went into labor or something happened and he was gone? My DH and me we dont have kids (TTC hoping very soon compared to later) and he always stays with me no matter what!! Every once in a while he ll go and have drink with guys be he actually prefers to be with me and i thank god for that!! My first husband wanted to go out all the time drink party leave me at home (or work and pay all the bills) and as u can see he is now is my X!!!
This reminds me of when I was pregnant with my first child. My husband would go out every Thursday night with his buddies to bar hop in this area of town that had a bunch of bars together. They would play pool, darts, etc and he would stumble in around midnight. I used to get sooooooo mad, because back then, I HATED to be alone. I didn't know what to do with myself.
Once the kids came, I was more than glad to have alone time and we would trade off. Even now, it has gotten to the point that my youngest and her family are living with us, so my husband is building a room in the backyard, so he can have all of the "alone" time he wants. And guess what, I could care less now. I guess that happens after being together for more than 30 years.
But, I still remember how hormonal I would get when he would go out with his buddies on those Thursday nights and leave me home alone and pregnant. Looking back, I find it somewhat funny now.
Hopefully, you will come to a meeting of the minds on this one. Good luck DollChina.
Once the kids came, I was more than glad to have alone time and we would trade off. Even now, it has gotten to the point that my youngest and her family are living with us, so my husband is building a room in the backyard, so he can have all of the "alone" time he wants. And guess what, I could care less now. I guess that happens after being together for more than 30 years.
But, I still remember how hormonal I would get when he would go out with his buddies on those Thursday nights and leave me home alone and pregnant. Looking back, I find it somewhat funny now.
Hopefully, you will come to a meeting of the minds on this one. Good luck DollChina.
Ah men....I had the same arguments with my fiance when I was pregnant. I think once a week is way too much. It's really too much, especially when you are far along in your pregnancy and have a young little boy at home. It's tiring as is just getting yourself through the day then to have to take care of the other child all by yourself while your dh chills once a week with his boys. I think once a month is fine but not once a week. Especially because you just struggle to spend alone time together. I agree, that both of you need your mental breaks but it shouldn't be that frequent.
I know when I was pregnant I was very selfish and wanted my fiance with me all the time, but hey I think I should get what I want during those 40 weeks that I'm carrying another life inside of me.
I know when I was pregnant I was very selfish and wanted my fiance with me all the time, but hey I think I should get what I want during those 40 weeks that I'm carrying another life inside of me.
I have read a few of the convos here and your responses. Have you tried to arrange a date together? Why does everything fall on him?
Like everyone else has said...girls are completely 'wired' differently than guys. They don;t get hints and when you yell at them it basically goes in one ear and out the other.
Instead of giving altamadiums (sp?) try to have a NICE talk where both of you can get out some feelings. Once you start pointing your fingers at each other then something turns off inside and all you can think about is what you are going to say next...instead of listenin to each other.
Maybe you are a little jelous that he goes out so often, and yeah, who wouldn;t be, but those are choices. You could do the same if you wanted to right? He could stay home once a week with the kids while you go out?
Bst of luck to you! and Congrat on your new baby!
Like everyone else has said...girls are completely 'wired' differently than guys. They don;t get hints and when you yell at them it basically goes in one ear and out the other.
Instead of giving altamadiums (sp?) try to have a NICE talk where both of you can get out some feelings. Once you start pointing your fingers at each other then something turns off inside and all you can think about is what you are going to say next...instead of listenin to each other.
Maybe you are a little jelous that he goes out so often, and yeah, who wouldn;t be, but those are choices. You could do the same if you wanted to right? He could stay home once a week with the kids while you go out?
Bst of luck to you! and Congrat on your new baby!
hey there i totally agree with you my husband never really goes out cuz i let him buy beer and stuff if he wants to when he gets off work. but i actull asked him if he would go out if i was 8 months preg and he said no he would be scared to leave you home alone, especially with an 18month old. sop yeah i think your husband is taking it a little over board.
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