FTM vs old school

[ashleybm07]

I was raised by my grandparents as well as my husband so we have a pretty old school upbringing. I guess my question is..is anyone experiencing judgment on some of their preferred parenting methods? For example I don't mind a tub for my son but our parents insist in just putting him in the sink as they did for us. Or using tap water for his bottles vs. Nursing water. I've done my research on a lot of things and I know some is just preferences (except the tap water thing sc water isn't good) just wish they can understand our wants. What advice have you taken and what have you thrown away?

[hol1127]

I have mixed views on the whole "What happens at grandma's..." issue. My boyfriends mother would take my son sometimes during the night while I was at work. She never disciplined him in any way whatsoever. He would come home and be out of control..when trying to switch him to a sippy she would give the bottle while he was at her house even though I would send his cup. He was 2 at the time. Now He's 4 1/2, she still spoon feeds him, let's him have pop when he wants, (like I don't send him with juice). I was not allowed to have pop often growing up and that was the way I wanted my child raised. Now he doesn't listen to her at all and she can't control him when he acts up. My mom on the other hand doesn't play the baby games with him. She won't feed him, he feeds himself with no issue. He doesn't ask for pop. And he is very well behaved while there.  

[Farah_Remo]

These are the advice from my mom which I took and works like a charm for me:
1.Massage baby with oil to relax
2. an ounce of filtered water for constipation
3. Always put on short sleeves onesie under clothes to prevent chest cold.
4. Sleeping on belly. YES i know its not recommended because of sids. But my instincts told me my son was a natural tummy sleeper. As long as I didnt have anything loose around him and he is capable of turning his head to both sides.

Advice I threw out:
1. Wearing a hat to bed and keeping baby warm all the times. I didnt like this since it may lead to overheating
2. Putting shoes on baby too early. I read this can cause problems with arches on feet.

[ashrefra]

I only had to spank my son once, he totally deserved it though. I don't totally agree with it because there are much more efficient ways of handling and punishing your kid but I made an exception. I would rather send him to timeout and communicate with him the smack his toosh. He really only gets swats to get him moving to his room, nothing hurtful. On the other hand I would have major beef with ANYONE who thought it was ok to spank my son. They would probably get a butt chewing into next week and would be excommunicated. That is not cool in any sence I don't care how "old school" you are. Times have changed and now they need to accept that or deal with you. It seems like you have a lot of respect for them so they need to return the favor and let you raise your kid how you want to raise them.

I agree grandparents are suppose to be fun and easy going. My son had always been such an angel for his grandparents. For them thinking that they have to be "old school" on baby is wrong. I think you just need to start living your life and have a good heart to heart. If they can't respect that move on for a while and let them realize what they are missing out on.

Best of luck to you!

[RockRose]

ashley,  I also agree that spanking is a different thing.  We didn't spank either,  and I wouldn't have been happy at ALL if my kids were spanked at grandparents houses.  

Typically,  the rules are more relaxed with the grandparents.  If they are more strictly enforced,  that's an issue to be addressed.

It sounds like you are thinking this out a lot,  which is a great thing.

Best wishes.

[specialmom]

I had a lot of people tell me what they thought *I* should do with the baby. That is when they got a smile and a thank you and I went on about my business making decisions for my babies.  :>)  

[specialmom]

Well, that is a serious thing.  Spanking is a deal breaker (much different than how someone prepares a bottle or gives baby a bath!)  

I had a situation with that myself.  We don't spank.  My husband and I agree on this completely.  While at my father in law's house, he lost his temper with my 4 year old at the time and screamed at him and slapped his wrist hard 2 times.  I was right there and saw his infraction (spinning with a string that had a yo yo at the end of it and I guess he could have hit something with the yo yo).  It all happened very fast.  My husband and I told my father in law that we would not allow this and he said basically too bad.  Therefore, we were much more careful about time with my father in law from then on and never left him alone with our children.  I frankly never saw my father in law in the same light (as my husband has many stories from his youth . . .  ).

So, I get you on the spanking issue and yes, much much different than an extra bowl of ice cream!  

[ashleybm07]

For instance my husband is completely against spankings due to some issues he had as a child. Me I can go either way. But if that's something we decide to do I expect for no one to punish my child in that matter. They laughed it off which made my husband really uneasy. That to me is one of the no fly zones if we decided to go that route. I guess I should have used that example first. I get the ice craleam and soda or missing bed time at grandma's but what I mentioned above if decided could cause some serious problems

[specialmom]

Well, that is probably reasonable.  To me, if the grandparents are doing something like babysitting during the week days for you to be at work so they are care providers on a regular basis----  it is much different than a Saturday afternoon at grandmas.  And things with a newborn are a little trickier than things with a toddler or child.  :>)  Where I wouldn't give my kids 4 fruit roll ups, my sister does when they visit for an afternoon here or there.   It's kind of cute.  They say she is the nicest aunt ever!!  I bet!  Mom says no a lot more often.  :>)))  

But advice and what not, you make the decisions for the overall way your child is raised verses the few exceptions on special occasions.  good luck

[ashleybm07]

Thank you all for your posts. The things I mentioned where just some of the few things that have been discussed. I'm OK with having fun at grandma's house but I think there is a line that shouldn't be crossed since I am the parent and I just simply ask that certain things be respected. Not looking for everything to be adhered to since it's not realistic but would like to be at least acknowledged as what my husband and I prefer. And if it's something that we absolutely don't want to happen then I ask that the request be accepted.

[specialmom]

Yes, I do agree with that rockrose.  I try to allow my kids the flexibility to go with the flow when having a fun time with extended family.  My grandparents would allow me to have a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream with tons of hot fudge that my mom wouldn't have allowed me . . .   loved that!!  I lived to tell about it without any health concerns.  

Ha, we didn't have a soda fridge but Grandma had a candy drawer!  

[RockRose]

I do have to say is,  part of the joy of grandma's house is the rules are usually relaxed a little.  That makes it fun for the kids and the grandparents,  and kids do learn quickly that what goes on at grandma's house stays there,  and they have more structure at their own homes.

My grandmother had a "soda fridge" on her screened in porch and you could get a soda anytime you wanted.  ;D  LOVED that.

[RockRose]

Ashley,  the things you are talking about there - tap water and baths in the sink are really,  really small things and really won't have any impact at all on your child.  A few bottles with tap water will not have an impact.

As your child grows,  there are huge issues that need to be straightened out,  and agreed on.  

Some of those things are,   are kids expected to always defer to any adult's requests even if the child doesn't agree with/think it's right,  are kids required to eat whatever it is they are given or are they allowed to have food preferences respected,  corporal punishment,  strict adherences to bedtime routines,  etc.  

Then,  when you mix cousins in there and there are things cousins can/can't do that your kids have different rules,  it gets sticky.  It can get really,  really sticky.  Flexibility is key at grandma's house,  imho.

There are things you will need to work out,  but the tap water and sink baths you can kind of just let pass,  IMHO.

[specialmom]

People always think they have the best way for doing things whether it is someone older or younger.  Everyone thinks they have figured out what is best.  Some young moms are just as haughty and judgmental as our grandmothers about their methods.

the important thing to remember is that YOU are the mama (and daddy is the dad) so you just always do what is best.  I'm always open minded about what trusted people in my life (parents, aunts, cousins, good friends that I respect as parents) give me advice.  I certainly can always take in information, think about it and then come up with my own plan.  

so, I always say thanks!  when people give me advice with a smile.  And then I do what *I* want to do.  :>)  good luck

[sweetvegetable]

Stuff changes all the time. But the important thing is that you are the parent, so the buck has to stop with you. But you should definitely listen when they say something, even if you don't end up using it. After you have a second baby, you realize that a lot of the things you thought important with your first aren't all that big of a deal (eg buying a specific baby toy instead of letting your baby play with a homemade rattle). So parent the way you choose to, make it clear to them which areas you do not want compromised, and keep an open mind.

[keaanddan03]

I would just nicely tell them this is how we are going to do certain things. If they say that won't be happening at Grandma's house then say sadly they will not be coming over and you will have to come to our house for visits. They will get the message and eventually get over it.

[ashleybm07]

That's how I feel honestly but the remarks of that won't happen at grannys house is starting to irritate me. I would never do something against what a parent would want and I've watched many of our friends and family's children. I just think it's rude and it makes me not want to even let him stay with them if they insist on doing things their way.

[janarams2004]

Throughout the years of raising this child people will have many opinions and views on what they think you should do. Start now and show them that you will be raising this child how you see fit.
I have dealt with judgement and crap from family because I have 3 older sisters with kids who they compare me with.  
It's you choice in the end hunny.