Venting!

[CoolMommy_26]

So..omg where do I begin. My husband has two other children from a previous marriage. This ex is one of them ex's from hell. The girls usually come visit us every other weekend..we have had the problem where the oldest child (9yrs old) loves to come and talk bad about her mom and goes and talks bad about us to her. Any chance her mother has to text and start drama she will do. She practically knows everything about our life (no privacy) because of the oldest little girl that tells her EVRRYTHING u can imagine. This is a very stressful situation for me bacause I mean who wants an ex knowing everything about your life?? I want some privacy. My husband and I have had arguments about this little girl..her mother is raising her to be basically stepchild from hell and she does a good job at it. I have told my husband in the past that if this continues with the back and forth drama because this little girl cant stop doing this then I cant have her around anymore..like I said its very stressful for me :( we have tried talking to the little girl about her not doing this and how its wrong but she just will not stop! :/ is it wrong of me to ask my husband to have them stay at their grandmothers and he can go and spend time with them over there if he'd like?? Keep in mind my attitude towards her doesnt change..im still nice and civil with her since at the end of the day she is a child but I cant take the stress anymore. Im 36weeks pregnant and  I have been stressing about this my whole pregnancy.

[RockRose]

These kids are in a horrible spot.  

They are trying to keep the adults around them happy - in your home,  they tell unflattering stuff about their mom,  and in their mom's home they tell unflattering stuff about your home so that they can hope for some peace and approval.

As long as you sit and listen to her badmouth her mother,  she will also badmouth you to her mother.  She's trying to ease the intense pressures placed on her by her many parent figures.

[3636546882427598637_50_5]

CoolMommy_26. I have read what you wrote and all the comments. First you stated Venting as your topic. Meaning your trying to express yourself to others on this website instead of saying something regretful to your husband or the kids. I understand venting, especially when your pregnant. I fill you need to worry about your unborn child coming into this world and not stressing. Stress is not good at all . You and your husband should talk and see what solution yall could come up with.

[HappyMomma33]

To answer your question quite bluntly I think sending the children to their grandmother's for a short period of time will only cause more separation and resentment. I think ignoring what the mother is doing and saying and continuing to include them In Your life is the best thing. You have 5 children total...stress comes with the territory. If you are e pecting to not be stressed then children would not be for you. Stress as a parent is meant to be dealt with. We don't have the luxury of running away or sending our children off simply because we are stressed out. You are 36 weeks pregnant And nearly full term. Your baby is fine and stress is not harming your child as we all deal with stresses every single day. I deal with stress from my patients....from my employees....from My husband....from life. Everyone deals with it. Sending them to their grandparents will creat further issues an. As a child they will resent it. Yes the mother is the problem....but you are letting it dictate your relationship and your husbands relationship with the girls rather than rising above it and ignoring her antics. You came on this forum asking for advice then it appears You become upset when others tell you what you don't want to hear based on the limited information we are getting. Bottom line is you are a Parent. Send all the children away or include them all. Its your prerogative. But ask yourself....what if your husband was insisting your children leave....would you feel the same? You say your children aren't a problem and aren't causing stress but what if they were. I have a hard time believing any parent would send their kid awAy because they were stressed. Being stressed is parenting.

[specialmom]

Always feel sad for these kids shipped off and seen as a burden.  I'm not aware of stress causing pregnancy hypertension nor is being stress free a requirement for a successful pregnancy and birth.  When with a partner with kids, we do have to worry about their bruised feelings.  

I think we have an obligation when we marry someone or are with someone that has kids to not get in the way of their kids time with their parent and to make them feel welcome in their parents home.  With very few exceptions.  Even if we don't 'love' it.  

luck to all though as I know it takes a good deal of inner strength to do it.  peace

[unknown_jones]

no judgement. it can be hard being so nice and feeling like ur being turned on in the end, even if it is by a child. i know what its like to feel uncomfortable in ur own home. i have high blood pressure with this pregnancy, so when hubby is at work she is at her grandma's. i visit her, just can't have the stress right now. i hope one day our relationship can be better and i'll always keep trying, even if i have bruised feelings in the end. risk i'm willing to take. i know it is hard, very hard especially with difficult mom.

[CoolMommy_26]

Im sorry u have been going thru this kind of situation as well. Its very hard but im happy that its finally getting better for u. Yea my thing is im not trying to get rid of the children forever lol I mean these are his babygirls I would NEVER ask that of him but atleast for the remainder of my pregnancy they can stay with grandma cause I feel exhausted already as it is and all this stress isnt helping. Now we dont know what we want to do if the children end up not being his biologically.  Hes been in and out of their life since they were seperated only because she would keep them from him. Its like she doesnt want them to bond none the less bond with me. And maybe because in their mothers eyes she doesnt see him as the father she sees the other man IDK its a difficult one.

[3rdNdone]

When you have custody, the child gets a sense of stability. She has stated that she loves both girls but the situation has been stressful. Sometimes you have to read.

[CoolMommy_26]

Happymomma33- ok so since I guess u know alot about these situations. Do u suggest I just deal with the stress I been dealing with my whole pregnancy?? Not to mention I hope it hasnt affected my baby at all. Or should I talk to my step daughter again, again and again like I have been sitting down talking to her about it?? I dont think you guys get that what I posted on here I have not expressed it to my husband or the children. Thats the reason I posted it to see what you all suggested I do. Once again my attitude towards the children and my husband is nothing like the one u all are thinking it is. These little girls come to us and tell us they would love to live with us and tell us how much they love us. If I mistreated them in any way or made them feel "not loved" do u think they would want to even come around??? But then again they go to their mother and tell her bad things about us so thats where im confused. I have asked them too why it is that they do that and their answer is because their mom will get mad. Come on its to the point where if I happened to comb their hair for them vefore going back to their moms they say they dont tell their mom I did it because she will get mad. So im not the bad person here. Im trying my hardest to help my step daughters and comfort them if they feel neglected in any way I truly care about them :'( but its the things their mother has them do or say or her texts and drama from her part that I just cant take anymore. Anyway..I have explained myself over and over on here but some of u are going to judge regardless. So anyway hopefully my husband and I find somekind of solution for all this that is in the best interest of the girls. Thank you!

[unknown_jones]

this sounds like my life. my step daughter is now 13. her mom used to tell her all types of nasty untrue things about us since age 10. so i can only imagine what you may go through. i feel like its important not to feed into it. when step daughter was wrong i'd talk with her about it with her dad. she is still disrespectful and hard to deal with at times, but we always talk it out. she is coming around and the visits are getting better. like another poster said look at it from her p.o.v. if this is his daughter she will be around forever and u as the adult have to keep trying, as hard as it may be. good luck

[specialmom]

I do always have a heavy heart for kids in the middle of situations like this.  It's not easy on them.  It's hard to put our own feelings aside--  it takes so much to do this.  But not having stress in your life is not a requirement for giving birth.  It is unrealistic to think a child isn't going to talk about the other home they spend time at and I'm not sure about 'not wanting to know' if you are a parent.  I encourage my kids to open up and talk rather than shutting them down.  

I am sure you are doing the best you can and maybe if nothing else, this helps give more food for thought.  That's what it is all about.  Lots of thoughts to figure out the best path to take.  

good luck with everything and I hope eventually your family will be one rather than yours and his kids being separated.  peace

[HappyMomma33]

I wasn't trying to be rude at all....I was just saying your sending his kids away and not your own then in the same breath saying you love them and your not singling them out and making the dad choose. As someone who has a masters in child psychology I will end this by saying you are very wrong in your approach and what you are doing to both the husband and these poor children. I pray that these girls one day will get the love, patience and understanding that they desperately need as children.

[specialmom]

I just sent a note to you which you hopefully will get a notification of.  You have to use your phone and go to 'full site' and then go to your profile.  You can get there by hitting notes I believe and then can see what else is there.  If you have access to a PC, it is easier to see this stuff.  :>)  I'm not exactly sure how to change your numbered id to a user name but I believe you are supposed to be able to manually do this.  They are working on that number glitch thing.  

(and sorry for talking about that here but didn't know how else to contact her to direct her to her page.)

[CoolMommy_26]

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. Im going to leave this post alone now.. people are starting to get a little out of hand with the comments and I dont appreciate it. Thanks again.

[Furby85]

You think you and your husband should get full custody bc you dont like that the oldest gossips about your personal life? Thats a joke. Hopefully your chukd doesnt end up it that situation and you have some other woman where you are now trying the same stuff with your kid.

[CoolMommy_26]

Oh yea we would love to get full custody of the girls..actualky already treid but in the state of Arizona They give the preference to the mother..if mother cant be proved to be on drugs or anything really bad like that then there is no way father will get full custody. We have already tried :( at the beginning of our relationship the girls never showed any signs of being this way they loved coming to my house and spending time with my children and I but the minute their mother found out he was bringing them around me is when she started coming at him with just ridiculous things..I'd say she was jealous.
And for the person who said its not fair to have his girls stay away til I give birth but not mine?? Uhm mine are not the ones causing me th stress :/ so whybshould I send them away?? They go with their father every other weekend as well and their father and his girlfriend are very helpful to me and my husband. We dont have any of these issues with them. We are very civil towards one another and they have even offered to take my husbands girls with them at times to take some stress off of us. Its a very different situation when it comes to my kids.

[3rdNdone]

Alot of you make perfect sense but it really isn't that easy, speaking from experience. Being human we aren't perfect and no one should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home by a child no less. When you are are blended family everything isn't so Brady bunch and everyone isn't loving and caring. People are entitled to feel.
It is alot and not everyone understands until they are were you are. People can say you should do this or do that, but until they live it they really can't speak.
Talk to your husband about setting firm rules starting now and you can address the mom she's not a real woman, she is lonely and miserable and she is doing a.great job of making your life miserable. If you haven't already keep a record of what the mom says and what the nine year old says and does. Would you and hubby  be interested in full custody if it goes to court?

[380347105745093569_871_5]

I was just trying to figure out how to get a user name I'm new to this and I have the app on my phone and I clicked on something and it opened the conversation them I posted something so and my way I was just curious how to do the user name part

[380347105745093569_871_5]

And I'm not upset

[380347105745093569_871_5]

It was specialmom she and I were talking for a second it's s few post up

[HappyMomma33]

3803...what are you talking about and who are you addressing? Your getting uoset and I don't see where anyone was even speaking to you

[380347105745093569_871_5]

Thank you but I don't have a page that was my question ! like I'm pregnant but I don't have a username on this website I just clicked on something in this page open and I started reading what that girl was writing and then I decided to respond to her with some advice but I don't actually have a page or like a user name

[HappyMomma33]

Last thing (sorry just trying to help) I understand your thoughts about the stress and having him visit his children at grandma's till after you deliver....however....if you are not going to make the other children leave too then you are once again singling his children out and making not only them ..but your husband think you are playing favorites. If you were having no children around including your own then I'd say go for it...but making him go elsewhere when you have your kids still there once says to me that you are treating his children as a nuisance and that undoubtedly how the kids will feel as well. I'm just saying. Good luck with everyrhing

[Furby85]

I dont think its fair to sit here and all their mom names first off. You hear one side and unfortunately I have has to deal with the father of my girls being a worthless father while Ive been there through thick and thn. Been both mommy and daddy and then every time he gets in a new relationship makes me sound like the bad parent. My point is there are always two sides and I cant stand having the other woman say stuff when she doesny even have a clue. It may not be the mother at all. Did you ever consider that?

[HappyMomma33]

Also.....keep in mind that you really don't know what she is saying to the mother. The mother is clearly a liar so don't be so certain that She is bad mouthing you like her mom is saying she does.