mother-in-law..

[zahra_n]

So against My will my husband gave our key to his parents and since he is afghan he likes persian food and I cant cook it, which he said to his mother. Now everytime that I get home there is persian food in the fridge which makes me want to scratch My eyeballs out. Dont get me wrong, it tastes Nice, but I really feel offended that he prefers that food and I Dont want to eat It more than once a week max.
I have a busy life and I dont always feel like cooking a lot of special dishes, but his mother only cooks very oily and unhealthy foods without any vegetables and he already has to lose weight.
I already mentioned to him I want him to ask the key back and get less food and that he shouldnt be so smuthered by his mom. I get the feeling she thinks her food is better Than mine and she should know you offend a women by doing this.

What to do...?

[mee25]

I just think that his mother is being nice and trying to help you both with the cooking. I would love to have someone to cook for me.
If i were you and my husband like food cooked by his mum i would find no problem in it because thats the food he ate while growing.

I suggest that you take some recipe with your mother in law and try cooking those dishes. Am sure he would love it.

[AnnieBrooke]

Here's the thing.  If you love him and want to cook for him, learn to cook the dishes he loves.  If you don't want to ask his mother how, go to a Persian restaurant and explain your dilemma to the cook and ask for some lessons in some basic dishes.  Then he can irritate his mother by bragging that she should learn some of your delicious recipes that you make better than she does.

You really can't ask a man to only eat the food you cook and then not ever cook what he loves.  If he is not from your culture, he may feel desperate for his home food.  (I know a vegan who got sent to a British boarding school and was totally miserable because they did not give him anything he could eat, not even rice.)  If you love him and want to cook for him, learn to cook the kind of food that makes him happy, especially if you think you can do it more healthily than can his mother.  

You married this man because of who he is, and who he is, is Afghan.  That includes love of the food that defines his culture, and deference to his parents that includes not locking them out of his house.

It sounds like you don't like what you see as having no boundaries from them at all including the privacy of a married couple, and you don't like his food, and you take personally him having the temerity to want to eat the kind of food he grew up with even if you will not (or cannot) make it.  But, you married the whole man.  It sounds like you crossed your fingers behind your back when you said "I do," and thought "except that part where his parents can walk into our house and where he eats the Afghan food that I am certain is unhealthy."  

This is the kind of fight that happens when a girl marries a guy thinking she will just change the things she doesn't like about him.  It isn't going to happen, he is who he is.  It isn't a matter of, "If he loves me, he will ..." and then fill in the list.  He is an Afghan, and this kind of behavior with family is normal.  His own mother would expect that if the two of you ever have a child who is married, you would be able to walk into their house any time.  Nothing they are doing is at all unusual, it is how they show their love and connectedness.  What you have to do is decide how you feel about it.

[RockRose]

I agree with Annie.  I don't think you two are a lifelong match.

I don't know what culture you come from,  but he comes from a culture where this is kind of expected.  

I think you need to wait several years to consider getting pregnant.  Like minded couples who come from similar backgrounds usually have an easier time of it.

[AnnieBrooke]

I'm sorry it hurts your feelings.  

I would not tell him that his mother's food is unhealthy, it might be actually more healthy than you know.  (Latest research is that diets high in carbs are far more problematic than diets high in fats.)

He is an adult and can eat what he wishes, and should be in charge of his risk of diabetes.

If you are saying that you dislike them coming in unannounced when you are making love, that is a different problem than your proprietary interest in his eating only food you cook.

I would guess that there are many other fights to come about boundaries, his attachment to his family, and the threat to your marriage that you find this to be.  Please don't get pregnant until you work it out.

[zahra_n]

No the point is that I love cooking foR him even though we both study at university and have long days. I always cook, but it hurts me when he says he likes her food better. Not that mine is bad,but that is what it feels like and he does not seem to understand that I want to take the effort to cook food for him because I love him and want to make him a nice dinner. Next to that I also mentioned the food of his mother being very unhealthy and he already has a high risk of diabetes.
And the problem with the key is that they come unannounced. Imagine having a `romantic` moment and the door rings and 1 minute later they open it..

And I do not keep his own food away from him, but eating it five times a week is a bit too much

[RockRose]

zahra, this is his culture and his food.  It's not surprising that he prefers it.  

Also,  apparently you don't cook very much.  

I don't know what culture you grew up in,  but it's often problematic when two people from very different cultures marry - as evidenced here in his preferring his food,  and his very very close and continuing  relationship to his mother.  

This chasm is only going to widen when you have children.

[AnnieBrooke]

Honey, you married him knowing he is Afghan, and probably that is one of the things you like about him.  If food appeared in my fridge, I'm so busy that I would be delighted we had something home-cooked to eat.  Eat something yourself that is different if you don't like Afghan food, serve him the Afghan food, and try hard to stop finding this insulting.  You have said yourself you can't cook the kind of food he likes, be glad the kind of food he likes is appearing in your house.  She doesn't sound like she is walking in and criticizing your housework or even there when you are there.  Try hard to get past it.  I would guess you are worried about what he said to her about you, and / or what she is thinking of you.  Just act like getting food coming to your house with no effort on your part, and food your husband enjoys to boot, is a nice treat.

If you can't get over it, re-think the marriage.  It would be very hard for me to be in a situation where the food I love most is withheld from me all my life.