MAJOR problem

[smjmekg]

So I went to check my mail and found shortly after entering that I was in my husband's account (yahoo)...Noticed a title called the daily mag while I was in it (not snooping at all *wink*)...clicked on it and it was PORN!!! I've been in his account before when I was being my paranoid self, and this is DEFINITELY new and it's a daily subscription, free of course, for pictures of anything and everything you could think of. I clicked the unsubscribe, and remove me buttons and it said thank you for opting out. I'm about to see if I have the correct password to his yahoo and will be checking up on this....but what should I do about it??? Just tell him maybe that was the first thing in his inbox and say I thought it was my mail and ask him what the H#LL he's doing looking at it? We've had numerous discussions over it, he knows how I feel about it, and said he wouldn't look at it...ever unless he was deployed. I have a HUGE problem with porn, I don't believe people in a loving caring relationship should look at it so PLEASE no responses along the lines of "it's natural/get over it"...I made it clear to him I do not like it, didn't make a huge deal out of it while he was in Korea without me, but told him I didn't like it and he said "he wouldn't watch it" I knew he would while I wasn't here, but now that we've been back together (I live in Korea with him) for more than a year I expect him to come to me for anything sexual...NOT to look at porn...should I keep an eye on it and bring it up later if I see something again??? I know it would cause a fight, but I can/will NOT compete with porn.

[elt8989]

I've been trying to find out for weeks how to recover this stupid history my bf has deleted on our tablet since I've been pregnant after our no sex relationship and finding porn.. Still can't figure it out

[faye83]

Yeah the only bad thing I see of telling him you looked into his account is that he'll know you are checking it and will eventually hide more stuff from you and start lying to you more (cause he'll know that you are checking on him). And that's just a slippery slope from there unfortunately.

[awalone]

porn is porn.. leave it be.. you could wake up one day and find him talking to another woman in order to achive what the porn does for him.. my hubby was in Iraq and this happened to me.. we dont have issues with porn spending years away from eachother you get to the point of better to look than to do..
i actualy gave my husband free porn sites to go to so the chatting would stop. nothing wrong with looking. and EVERYMAN does it. i dont care what anyone thinks..
but now hubby gets stuff in his email alot from the spam that comes along with it.. just talk to him not accuse him of anything. find out what it does for him. maybe you could send him pics of you to look at.. i dont know.. but like the other ladies have said if he wants to look at it he will find a way. heck he could have a whole email account you dont know about ... JUST SAYIN

[enshie]

hi i have to say after reading your post i totally agree with you i dnt find porn acceptable if the man needs to look at no good 4 nothing cheap tarts he should do that when he's single or got with someone who doesnt care, i understand where your coming from i have a son and am preagnant with my secound son and i am totally against that in our house its just peoples persomal prefrences so i dnt know why people r getting on there high horse about it you told him before you didnt like stuff like that so fair enough so he shud respect that not them hoes who havent got respect for themselfs, i wud talk to your partner and tell him how you feel you shouldnt need to feel bad cus he has porn on his mailing lists its wrong

[Atia_Julii]

Total breach of privacy.  If you are in a loving and healthy relationship, you shouldn't feel a need to look at his email.  I would be very offended if my husband snooped into my business.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I agree with everything you said and I am actually very surprised at your age.  Good for you!

[smjmekg]

I definitely did not read EVERY word of the latest posts, but have read enough. I wanted to point out one vital thing, and I am done with this thread. If I need any other advice I will go to those who I choose. The only thing I have to say is that men do NOT "have to look at something" when they masturbate, it is NOT in their DNA to "need to watch sex". Look back 100 years ago...200 years ago...1000 years ago. What were they "looking at"? The only reason, IMO, that people even say it's "normal" is because society has become more accepting of it, well, some people at least. Just like teenage pregnancy. When I was in high school, there wasn't condoms in the clinic being handed out. I did graduate with 2 pregnant girls...and that's out of 400+ people, only 2, and that was only 6 years ago. When I was a child you it wasn't ok to have sex before you were married, it was looked down upon to be pregnant out of wedlock, and I'm only 24 that was a whole 10-15+ years ago...I'm not trying to offend anyone who was in that scenario...but I think you get my point. As it happens more society becomes more accepting. I'm sorry if you think I'm stuck in the stone age, but I have my own working brain and am entitled to my opinion. Just because some of you don't agree with me doesn't make you or me right or wrong. Some people are ok with smoking marijuana, I'm not, does that make me wrong? NO! Thank you to those who did respond kindly, and oh well to those who didn't. I'm not going to hold a grudge or stop myself from answering one of your questions.

[jrobertson20]

I am going to start out by saying I would be really pissed off because I too HATE porn.  If you keep finding these things it hurts your overall trust.  It makes you think if he lies about little things like this what else is there.  When I first started dating my husband people spread nasty rumors (we were teenagers and that is what they do).  I was so upset.  Then he started telling me little lies about stupid, stupid, stupid things that honestly I don't even remember anymore.  That made me not trust him because he couldn't even tell me the truth to little meaningless things.  We have now been together for 10 years and both did a lot of growing up in that time.  There was a breaking point where we would just argue and fight all the time partly because of my trust issues and partly because he didn't understand why I was so upset about the little lies.  Over the past few years I have worked on my trust issues and totally and completly 100% trust my husband and we both have respect for each other.  Our relationship now is wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing.  He is my best friend who I can tell anything and that also works the other way around.  I think that if you started this relationship out and he knew your feelings on this he should RESPECT them.  I think that is a word some people are forgetting.  RESPECT.  He is not doing that with your feelings and hiding things from you.  You sat down on your computer and it was there.  Some people think it is not right for you to look in his email account but you know what I don't think there is anything wrong with it.  My husband and I share all accounts because we have nothing to hide.  There should be no secrets when you are married.  So I think you should talk to him and let him know that you found this and how you feel.  Don't change passwords and don't keep spying because that gives him something against you.  But when you sit down and talk to him let him know how it makes YOU feel when he does these things.  I have found by starting conversations out about how things make me feel instead of accusing and yelling the outcome is usually better.  I hope this helps.  Good luck and may you have a long and healthy marriage.    

[JadedSweetheart]

I actually went through this with my ex-husband.  Unfortunately, it's part of the reason we're now ex's. ( I'm sure there are a lot of you who think that's absurd, but we were youth group leaders and part of a church where his family was the leadership and I was a very good Chrisitan.)  Porn is still unacceptable in my relationship and I told my current husband so on our first date.  

Smjmekg, I know how digrading it feels that your husband turns to porn instead of you.  I looked at the pictures of you and I want you to know that you are a beautiful girl, (even at 8 months pregnant) and it's not you.  It's sex addiction, or porn addiction if you want to call it that.  If you google sex addiction, you will find a lot of info, and it will actually give you a lot of understanding about why he feels the need to look at porn when you are right there.  My ex was going big-breast websites and I have always been a DD when not pregnant and busting out when pregnant.  

I think you should tell him how you stumbled across the porn, and how it led you to do the search.  I think the best approach is to be honest and open.  Treat him with the level of respect that you want to be treated.  If he doesn't treat you with that same level of respect and openness, then maybe he will talk about the porn in counseling.  

Looking at porn isn't always something guys can just stop doing.  You may need to go to counseling with him to help him learn ways to get over it.  I tried the counseling with my ex, but at that point it was too late.  

I wish you all the best and my heart goes out to you.  You are a beautiful woman and better than a picture!

Bree

[jade_21]

I understand were you are coming from, because I had the same issue with my husband.  I knew he looked at porn when we met and figured he would grow out of it (or at least not look at it as often.) When we got married and moved in together, I would frequently find tons of adult sites in the internet history.  I ignored it at first figuring men will be men.  When it kept continuing, I mentioned something to him.  I have no problem with him looking at the stuff occassionally - he is only human, however, it seemed to be an addiction.  I explained that I didn't feel threatened by these woman, but I felt that he should be the only woman he should be interested in looking at since we were married.  He said this was just something he did as a teenager and doesn't think anything of it.  I told him I have no problem enjoying it as a couple or if he looks at it every so often, but I felt a little offended that he was looking at it so often.  Time went on and I didn't see anything on the computer for awhile.  Then in the history once again I would find adult websites.  I talked to him again.  Same thing, I'll stop if it bothers you.  It didn't stop.  Finally I told him, I was changing the password on the computer, so he could not access the adult sites.  I felt like a controlling wife for doing so, but honestly I don't think he had the control to stop himself.  I know he still looks at the stuff occassionally - I have seen it on his Ipod.  I guess that so much doesn't bother me.  It was the constant looking at the stuff that bothered me.  I understand he is his own person and he should be allowed to do what he wants.  However, we are also married.  If I was doing something that bothered him, I would respect him enough to stop whatever it was I was doing if it bothered him that much.  I wouldn't have a problem with him reading my email or going through my stuff either - I have nothing to hide nor should he.  

[rebekah385]

I think that maybe instead of going into the conversation telling him why you don't want him watching porn and how it needs to stop and that you have had this conversation before,  maybe you should first ask him why he thinks he needs to look at porn and what it is he get's out of watching porn (does he just like the visual effect, does he like they way they look better, did he just get used to while you were away, ect) porn can be an addiction for a lot of people, maybe he got so, used to watching it while you were away that he is having trouble stopping now that you are home and he knows you don't like it and are paranoid at times. this does not give him and excuse to lie, there is no excuse for lying in a relationship. however I do think that it is worth talking to him about why he thinks it is important and why he fells a continuing need to watch it. I myself am ok with my husband watching porn, because i know that he wants me! it would bother me if he watched it all the time or went behind my back, or did'nt want to have sex as much (which you have said your husband does'nt, that would be a concern for me). I do think that it is wrong to go through private e-mails (although I understand that you came accrossed it partly my accident, and it that case I would confront him about it) if you have a loving, trusting, healthy relationship there should be no need to check upon each other. my husband and I have seperate e-mail account and we usually leave ourselves signed on and i have gone to check my e-mail before and his account has been open, i simply close it and move on. I too have some trust issues, not from previous relationships, but from my childhood watching my dad continously cheat on my mom, then make her ok with and then do it all over again. I do not trust men in general, however when i decided to get married I decided to to trust my husband completely, because if you don't have trust your relationship is not going to last or atleast be as strong as if you did.

also on a seperate note, I do not agree with blaming the internet the porn sites do not force you to watch them. they maybe more readily available, but people have been watching porn or reading pron since way before the internet!

Good luck and I hope things work out between you and your husband!

[mami1323]

I don't think that men who are married or are in a relationship look at the girls they are watching and comparing them to their spouses or SO's.  I think they just like to watch sex.  I think some women take it too personally and that's because it is our issues we have with ourselves and our self esteem.  But again, this is just my opinion and mine alone.

[Sarah61086]

Bossetina

Your right in the sense you dont need hide emails ect, you can leave your inbox open in front of your partner ect, but snooping through them behind their back is a different matter.

All men look at porn and for every woman who trusts that their husband doesnt, is very foolish.

Men who know their partners dont like it still do it bcos they dont see anything wrong with it- if anything it makes it more appealing bcos its off limits.

From my experience here's how men get their daily dose of porn without you knowing - unless you catch them in the act

1. Getting up late at night to watch the porn channels while you sleep
2. Downloading it off the internet
3. Watching porn on the internet.
4. Subscribing to magazines and videos to their own mailbox
5. Watching it on their mobile phones that they downloaded from the internet.
6. Spend 20 minutes in the toilet saying they have stomach ache, when really they are bashing one out watching porn on their phone.
7. Getting porn sent to their work mail box (you cant see anything that goes on there)

Men always find ways around it.
Most of them are clever enough to delete the browsing history on the computer as well so you cant see what they have been typing in.

The way i see it, if a man enjoys sex and masturbates, then he watches porn.
He may not be a frequent user, but he will still look at it.

Sorry ladies, there is just no other way around it.

Your fellas watch porn whether you like it or not.

Its just what men do!!!!!

[bossetina]

i did not say that a man can look at anything he wonts like porn i mean that 2 people that are married should be able to look at email ect that i no when i have emails my husbent looks at them are when he's have mails email ect he let me look at them Whats the point to hide it we will find them out any way P.S i find a married man dont have to look at porn if he haves a women beside him

[gemmaj3]

I've just read your original post and scanned through some of the replies, looks as though you've been given loads of advice already but just thought I'd respond.....

I found on our computer at home that my partner had looked at porn when we first moved in together two years ago. I was devastated. I brought it up with him and he said it was something that had been on the computer before we moved in together and he'd forgotten to delete it (I didn't believe him but there you go!). I thought I made it pretty clear how I felt about him looking at it, I mean he's had the odd man's mag here and there and that doesn't really bother me but watching videos to me is another thing too. Anyway, I found some more about a year ago but it wasn't anything like what I'd found previously, I threw a massive fit about it cos I thought he knew how I felt. He said he was sorry and blah blah blah and I let it pass. Then I will admit, I have snooped around since looking on the computer and found nothing and I am good with computers. So I was happy. Then about three months ago, I was using the internet on his mobile phone (our computer was broken) and he'd been looking at it again! I was gutted and mostly because we'd been trying for our first baby and he'd been all over me. I didn't speak to him for days to try and get my point acroos. Eventually I broke into tears and told him that it wasn't the fact that he was looking at porn cos I know pretty much every man must do it it's in their nature, I just find it like a lack of respect to me. He said it was a one-off (which I kinda believe) and that he doesn't do anything about it when he watches it (I'm sure you know what I mean in terms of him 'treating himself' lol, but he was just browing the net on google, a link was there, he clicked it and looked at a few times. It wasn't hard core or anything but I know exactly how you feel cos I've felt the same. I don't think I can offer much advice apart from sit down, talk to him and tell him exactly how it makes you feel. If he keeps on doing it and you find out, then you must decide if you're going to let it be a major issue in your relationship cos if so, the arguments and fighting will happen everytime you find something. I have also decided to stop snooping around on the browsing history, purely because I know if I were to find something it would break my heart. I think I'm better off not knowing what he may be looking because I personally (I mean this is just personal to me) have thought that we love each other completely, we live together and have a fab relationship and our sex life is great so nothing can be spoiling it by him looking if he is. I HATE the idea of him doing it, but you know sometimes in life we're not always happy about things. TALK TO HIM!!!!

[Ashelen]

I just want to add, I think berrykiss is right....this is only "okay" to some people because of how bizarre our society has become with the internet.

back in the day, if your husband was going to a bar every night and coming home smelling like sex...you would investigate. even if all he was doing was masturbating to some girl while he was out,  and not actually having sex...the lies, the sneakiness...this would not be OKAY. so why is hiding this activity "okay" just because it's at home?

idk but I think the problem here is the honesty, and just because it happens "at home" people brush it off but truly it's a problem with lying and hiding things from your spouse, let's not lose focus.

[berrykkiss]

First of all the we need to blame here is 'internet' for providing all the ugly stuff for free. We dont hv this kind of issue but i undertand u. Hope u both will come to same page.

[Ashelen]

Girl you need to send me a message...mami knows (from the relationships forum) that I've gone through these exact same issues over the last few years...

first off you have the right to feel how you feel. you don't have to be right or wrong, so don't feel guilty.

yes my husband and I have had problems with porn in the past, but my issue was with him lying to cover it up, because it destroys that tenuous and VITAL trust in marriage. even a small, stupid lie is enough to throw a relationship off balance.

the truth is, you may have to bend a little on this. you may have to realize that this is a weakness that will be a part of his life, and as long as you are both open and honest about it I think it's controllable. that's where my husband and I are at now, and I'm much happier...even though it still gets to me when my self-esteem is low, I am much happier KNOWING and not being lied to about if he looks at porn. the way we solved it was that if he feels he's not getting the sexual attention he needs, he comes to me with his feelings and we come up with a solution.

But for the short-term solution I really think Victoria had the best advice....you need to open this conversation up and you both need to stop holding on to your secrets (his looking at porn, IF he did...and you feeling you can't trust him) because until you resolve these issues, there will always be this seed of doubt in your mind.

[Sarah61086]

bossestina you have totally condraticted your point

"when your married you can look at anything"

if thats true then her husband should be able to look at porn - which you just disagreed with.

Im sorry but snooping through mail is much worse than looking at porn.

At the end of the day porn is exactly the same as what you do in your own bedroom - its just made public - fair enough some people find it offensive, but thats their issue.

You cant say you wouldnt take your husband watching porn bcos you find it offensive, but its ok for you to snoop through his mail - bcos im sure your husband would find that offensive.

Its a two way street.
Looking through your husbands mail shows no trust and is out of order.

Good luck having a marraige for life if you continue with that behavour

There is no way you would accept him browsing through your stuff, so why should it be ok this way round

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I did not read all of the responses but I didn't have to.  I agree with most everything you post.  You and I have a lot of the same opinions and values, etc.

If you don't feel comfortable with porn, you have that right!!!!  If a person wants to date a non smoker, they have that right.  If a person wants to date a non drinker, they have that right.  That is YOUR right!!!!

I don't want my husband looking at  that c r a p either!!  And if he feels the need to, he can find himself another wife :)

Good luck!!

[bossetina]

i no if my husbent would be watching porn i would not take it at all and i do not feel she is CONTROLING.becouse she look at his mail when your married your married you can look at anything i no i would....

[ammanda]

Hey there,
Just wanted to tell you my opinion, I do agree that if you guys have told each other how you feel about it, and came to an agreement then he should stick with what he said. I hate men who lie.  Theres no need for it.  And yea maybe he really enjoys porn and doesn't want to upset you, I don't know whats going on in his head.  You should defiantly talk to him about it, even if it does cause a fight, having a lil fight for a bit about it, is gonna make you feel better then worrying all the time and not having the answers you want.  I personally love porn and me and my Fiancee watch it together.  I'm not being negative just sharing with you.  I agree  I think those girls are nasty s l u t s!! but that's what makes it okay with me, cause I know they have nothing on me, and really my fiancee doesn't watch it for the girls, he has me, and he tells me how nasty those girls are, but we like to watch sex together, sorry if that's TMI.  Your his wife, and I can defiantly agree that if your uncomfortable with it then its something he should respect.  But in my opinion, I trust my Fiancee, and I would never get into his account and change the password, which I don't think you would either you were probably just really upset.  You should talk to him.  Let me know how things go, and good luck!!!  

[DoulaSummer]

I think you have trust issue (whether justified or not I do not know) and jealousy issues.  I know its not what you want to hear and that is ok.  You can blow up at me and go off on your tangent of how I "don't understand" but I do.  I am a wife and a lover, but I am respectful of my husband at the same time.

Have you asked your husband why he feels the need to look at porn?  I don't get the whole its same as cheating thing, though.  He isn't out taking time from you, spending money on someone else, etc.  He can "cheat" when you are not around, but the second you are around it must stop?  So you gave him permission to "cheat" sometimes. Do you not see how confusing that is?  Personally I think you are super controlling and insecure and feel the need to project your issues on to him to make yourself look and feel better.

If my husband felt the need to CONTROL my email, browsing, etc I would put him in his place and let him know I am an adult and have the right to make decisions as one.  I understand you want your husband to respect your every wish, but in doing that he would be losing himself.  You are going to push him away and you will not like it.  He isn't a child and you are not his mother.  For someone who says you make it possible for your husband to come to you any time - you are pretty narrow minded and inconsiderate of him.

[Sarah61086]

I understand how you feel. It makes you feel less attractive to them as a person if they need to look at porn.

However:
When i found out my other half was looking at porn, i didnt like it at all and was quite offended by it.I didnt know how to quite deal with it, so i confided in a male friend of mine.
He said to me " it's better that he looks at other people having sex, that going out there and doing it himself - him looking at porn is a good sign he will never cheat on you as he only looks and doesnt tocuh"

Also, many men like porn - men need visual aids when they masturbate, i think its just coded in their DNA.

I doenst appear that he is doing it deliberately to annoy you, it just appears he like something to look at while masturbating.

You have an issue here, as he likes to look at it and you dont like him to. He cant just do it your way, you need to compromise on the situation.

Granted he shouldnt lie, but the only reason he did lie is beacuse he didnt want to upset you.

Do not speak aboutt his with him - you snooping through his inbox will make him loose trust in you and just embarress him about the whole thing.
You cannot be mad at him for going behind your back regarding porn, when you have just gone behind his back looking through his email.

As far as i see it you have 3 choices:
accept he watches porn, and just let him get on with it if it makes him happy
ask him to give up to porn - to make you happy

or find mutual ground

Make your own porn videos, take pictures of yourselves together, cut out your heads from photos and stick them on to those in the magazines.

That way, he still gets his visual aids  - and gets to watch porn and you can feel more comfortable knowing he is masturbating watching you and him in action.

Good luck