Just long enough?

[Colima]

I found out I was pregnant by my ex. I had an IUD that had dislodged, so were using a contraceptive method - it just failed. When I told him he told me how he always wanted children how much he loved me but that he couldn't have children outside of the kind of relationship we could never have (he and I). Maybe that was honest and I should appreciate it. It still hurt to hear "I want all of this, just not with you." We talked about it and decided on a medical abortion, which basically means you take oral medication 24 hours apart and then have a miscarriage. So he acted considerate and as if he was trying to be there for me for this - he got a hotel room near the clinic and took me to the appointment, etc. He was there at the clinic when they gave me the first pills and we went to the hotel together. He was there when I took the second set of pills, but left early in the morning while I was still miscarrying. He had to go teach a class he teaches. I was hurt that he didn't cancel or get a substitute, because he knew I'd be in the middle of the worst part at that time. He had already told me that on that day (or rather evening) he "had to" go to a "birthday thing" for a friend. And so he did. He left that morning for his class, leaving me alone and bleeding at the hotel. He didn't return until 2 hours after I had to check out, and then he went with his "friends" to a drinking festival of sorts.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Colima,

The bad news is that you've had to go through all this. Even the best abortions are traumatic experiences for everyone involved. The good news is that you appear to be waking up, and beginning to ask the important questions.

Men use women for sex; it's their default mode in a relationship, so that when all the other aspects of it don't work, they'll still be sexual. Hard to know whether he ever cared about you truly, or did and it passed. In any case he obviously is at most ambivalent. Nobody really tuned in abandons someone in the middle of a planned abortion. His words said one thing, his behavior, another.

This doesn't necessarily mean he's a terrible person or a user; maybe he just got scared. I don't know enough of the particulars to say that. Plus, people go in and out of love. There's no simple blueprint for the course of relationships.

There's also the problem that because you enjoy sex on whatever basis, you've made it easier for him to behave the way he does.

So we come to the question you properly ask at the end of your second email: “what is wrong with me?” One possible answer is “nothing”; you just have to understand how men work, and fine-tune yourself to seek out men who are really there for you. You may be young, and inexperienced.

However, it's also possible that you have some bad programming in your personal psychology, such that you chronically make bad choices. I'd need to know  much more about you to say this, and I don't have that information.

If you're really interested, I'd suggest your taking a look at my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com. There, I have some ways to begin to take an inventory of possible problems and issues. I'd start by taking my little Blind Spot Test. It's surprisingly useful. Then go on to analyze both your relationship with this guy, and the others in your life, and YOUR OWN issues, in follow up to the blind spot results.

In most of life, buying a house, finding a doctor, etc., we screen for quality and problems or weaknesses. Bizarrely, we don't do this for ourselves or the other party in relationships. My stuff is a beginning. We learn the hard way or the easy way. Here's hoping you take the easy route.


Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[Colima]

He had already told me that on that day (or rather evening) he "had to" go to a "birthday thing" for a friend. And so he did. He left that morning for his class, leaving me alone and bleeding at the hotel. He didn't return until 2 hours after I had to check out, and then he went with his "friends" to a drinking festival of sorts. He wasn't online or available by phone all night. He called twice, the second time to say he couldn't get off the couch so couldn't come be with me. I know he got off the couch to go out and stayed out all night. I don't know, we aren't dating anymore - but it really hurt because it feels like he stuck around just long enough to make sure I'd taken the second set of pills and was miscarrying, and then he split. Also, the first night at the hotel we had sex and he said all these mushy, sentimental things that gave me false hope, but afterwards he withdrew from me emotionally for the second night. I admit I wanted the sex - I was feeling alone and afraid and still had feelings for him. I guess for me it was about love and for him it was just sex. I felt hurt and used and so so sad. The weird thing was he kept going on and on about how he can't stand men who try to use me for sex. Isn't that what he did too? He's a jerk, right? What is wrong with me?