Confused as how to proceed in relationship

[bernard109]

Hello, I'd like to preface my remarks by thanking you for reading my post, for answering my questions, and for providing clarity in a time of need.

Recently, I met a woman and we began dating.  Soon thereafter, she informed me of her HSV-2 genital infection.  Prior to her disclosure, we had not engaged in sexual intercourse.  While I would normally back away in this situation (it's the prudent thing to do), I had developed very strong feelings for her, and decided to begin a relationship.  We engaged in protected intercourse (probably around 15 to 20 times) coupled with strong communication (but no anti-viral suppressive therapy) and I have yet to contract HSV-2 to date.  We are currently not having sex.

A month after the last time I had sex with my gf, I tested negative for HSV-2 antibodies.  I feel incredibly torn, and I constantly feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.  On the one hand, I'm in love with girl; on the other hand, I really don't want to contract genital herpes.  

I truly do care about her.  Everyone I talk to tells me either to "man up" and stay, or "man up" and leave.  But it's really hard for me.  Also, it's hard for me to overlook not only her HSV-2 genital infection, but also how she got it -- unprotected sex with a bartender whom she did not know too well.  I know I should not judge her, but I do it subconsciously and it results in me arguably emotionally abusing her.  

(3) How would you suggest handling this situation?  I've tried to break it off a couple times but like I said, my feelings for this woman are particularly strong.  I feel schizophrenic because I'm constantly switching from "This can't last, I don't want herpes" to "I love her, her issues are mine, and I want to be with her forever."  This is clearly not healthy for my mental well-being.  Nor hers.

Thanks for your response.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Bernard,

I think you need to follow your instincts.

For hundreds of years, people have been making choices to stay in situations where they could become ill or hurt or killed. Think of people taking care of the flu victims in 1918. Or the firemen in tower on 9/11. Or the lovers of people who contracted AIDS, before there was anything like a cure. Assuming you resumed your sexual relationship with this woman, you would be in the same position.

No one can make this decision for you, since there is no absolutely right decision, ethically, spiritually, or in any other dimension I know.

However, the real issue may be that you more fundamentally don't respect the woman, because of her previous associations, especially the one where she got the Herpes. If that's the case,  leave. Otherwise, imagine how you'd feel if you got herpes. The patients I've had with this disease are quite unhappy, anxious, and angry because the problem is unfixable and goes on FOREVER.  

Only if your dedication to this woman, or commitment to a principle, is so great that you truly didn't care, would it make sense to stay. Is this the case? Do you really love her that much?

And remember that relationships have a way of changing in our minds once something dire or catastrophic happens, in which case  one is left with the symptom but no longer the loving relationship to use it in.

So if you're going to “man up” about anything, make it about being realistic, and absolutely relentless in discovering the truth about your feelings. Again, there's no right or wrong, just the need for total honesty and a fiercely clear look at the consequences, either way.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Bernard,

Many thanks for the kind words.

No books yet, but working on some things . . .

Please feel free to reach me any time, if I can be of help with  the issues we've been discussing.

In any case, don't let the problems develop too long without attending to them, ok? Your body and your life are PRECIOUS!

Regards,


Dr. P.

[bernard109]

Doctor,

I find the things you are saying extremely intelligent.  Have you written any books?  If so, I'd like to purchase one.  I visited your website and I really enjoyed reading through all that.  If you have not written a book yet, I think you should.  I'd be the first to make a purchase.

I don't know if I'm ready for therapy right now but perhaps at some point in the near future.  

Thanks again for all your comments.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Bernard,

I believe that some loves last forever, and some are transient. It is a very variable thing, and depends on the personalities and souls of the people involved.

Purely romantic love does seem to  be transient, probably because the balance of the hormones involved shift as time goes on. That doesn't mean love dies, but it does transform into a different, and sometimes even more rewarding, experience for the people involved.

Cordially,

Dr. P.

[bernard109]

Thank you Doctor.

Your comments suggest to me that you don't believe relationships are intended to last a lifetime, and that love is a transient emotion that will pass over?  

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Bernard,

I've reviewed your communications about this matter both to me and on in various departments on Medhelp. So I'd like to briefly summarize and make a recommendation.

I believe you do have a tendency to become infatuated. And yes, it seems like your emotional vulnerabilities do overpower your rational side. It may be that your risk aversion simply breaks down at times, and your needs pop out all at once, impulsively. Also, I don't think you see this woman clearly, because of the infatuation. For these reasons, I think you're in a fairly dangerous position RE the decisions you are making concerning both your relationships and the Herpes. It's serious business.

It does sound like you need professional help. I agree, and am very glad you see, that it's important to get some clarity before you make moves that are irreversible. I notice we're both in the Boston area. Call me if you'd like to consider doing some therapy. Reach me through my email, via my smartrelationshipdecisions.com website, or directly via my cell phone, at 617-308-6901. If you'd prefer someone else, I'd be happy to recommend a competent colleague.

In any case, I urge you to do some targeted work before your unresolved issues land you in some VERY uncomfortable places.


Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[bernard109]

Thank you, Dr. Pomerance, for your sincere remarks.  

I'm curious, what do you think it means if she told me about her condition after 5 dates (a month after knowing her), and I decided to enter into a relationship (sexual).  I am a VERY risk-adverse individual, so my behavior was COMPLETELY out of character.  Does that sound like a strong infatuation?  A strong seduction?  I cann't explain my behavior.  The same incident happened 5 years prior and I stopped talking to the woman (a different woman) on a dime.  Can I infer that one of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities is that at the wrong times, my emotions overpower my rational side?  Since the beginning of my relationship with my gf, I have withdrawn from the outside world because I am internally embarrassed and somewhat ashamed of myself.  I have also noticed a drop in my self-esteem (and I haven't even contracted it).  I am operating at sub-optimal performance, and it clearly is not healthy for me.

Does it sound like I need therapy?  For some reason, I can't make this decision.  I'm really going through an internal struggle, and my biggest fear is by the time I resolve the conflict, it will be too late.

Thanks again.

Then there's the other view.  My gf has expressed on a number of occasions that she wants to marry me.  Doctors have stated that herpes is non-deadly and that in long-term relationships it shouldn't be of worry.  Further, my Dr. told me that there's  1/4 chance the next girl will have herpes.  

We have a lot of similarities, have a lot fun when we're with each other, and generally everything is really good.  Like I said in my previous post, the primary issue I have (other than herpes) is her sexual past -- many partners.  While I am not a virgin, I have always taken my sexual health very seriously.  I do not think it is fun, nor cool, to engage in unprotected sex with someone whom has likely had multiple partners (I hope I did not insult anyone who disagrees; if I did, I apologize).