Is it midlife crisis and how do I handle it?

[j7653]

My wife and I started having conflicts in our marraige in the beginning of 2008, just a few months before she turned 40.  She started going out with her friends & with our babysitter (25 at the time), coming in at 2,3 AM, going out on weekend nights w/out me, flirting heavily with contractors that were working on our house.

We struggled and fought thru the year. Early this year (2009) I broke down and went into a depression w/ anxiety.  We went into marraige counseling for a few months but ran out of money.  Meanwhile she felt that I was at fault for being too controlling, too uptight.

I have come a long way since then, recovering from almost all of my depressive symptoms and anxiety.

Lately we have not had sex for around 1 month.  She says that I should respect her feelings (we used to have regular sex life).  Over the past 4 months she has said things like that I should or will have an affair with our friend, that I deserve someone better than her, that she doesnt treat me right, that I am perfect but not perfect for her, that sometimes she wonders if she married the right guy.

She is very good looking.  I tell her that but she doesnt accept my compliments.  But she does like to flirt and get the attention of other men.

I think she needs some interests beyond raising our daughter and cleaning around the house.

I am working on trying to repair the marraige as best I can.

I think it is a midlife crisis.  I dont know that labeling it helps but it makes me feel less crazy.  Is there a best way to handle this?  Is it better for me to get tough with her, or enlist her friends to make her see the light, or just sit back and hope for the best?  Or maybe there is another good idea?  She did not want to go to counseling together and looking back on it I dont know if it was helpful.

I hope to hear back from you.

    

[punkin1515]

I can tell you one thing for sure. The day will come that she will regret her behavior. Believe me it will. I am sorry for all you are going thru. I hope it all works out. Cara

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear J,

It’s not unprecedented, but it’s more unusual for a woman to behave this way than for a man to do so. That includes the disinclination to have sex. So just on a probability basis, it suggests that there’s something going on under the surface, beyond a simple boredom on her part. Maybe there are significant screwy parts of her. I don’t know. From what you’ve written, it’s impossible for me to understand what the issues might be, for either of you. It’s of course always possible that she gets or got so much out of men’s attention that she’s scared about getting older and has never developed alternatives. And that is a critical developmental issue for adult women.

I don’t know what the accusation about you being too controlling, etc is all about. If you’ve been a very buttoned down guy, she may have felt constrained overly, to the point that it just leached out. I don’t know, but maybe you’ve been more emotionally unavailable than you thought you were, etc. It’s possible, and maybe more, that she’s been having affairs, from what you’ve said. Perhaps this is why she’s trying to “sell” you to other women, to “universalize” sexual involvements.

First thing, I think you need to find out exactly how she really sees you, unflattering though this may be. What does she mean when she says maybe she married the wrong guy? Virtually everyone says this, half jokingly, about their spouses, but you need to assess the quantity of her concern, as well as the exact quality. For both, you can see if you can fix it, and of course whether she will permit you to! Sometimes, by the time we learn about a spouse’s disaffection, it’s too late. They disconnect utterly before saying anything.

If counseling is tried again (likely a good idea) it should be geared not toward “fixing” things (no one can force a fix!) but to understanding what is actually going on. I as the therapist would want to know who the two of you really were, in terms of personality, emotional setup and maturity, etc. With that, recommendations as to staying together or splitting could be made, and if the former, it would be clearer what to do to make things better.

Getting tough with her, or trying to get her friends to help her see the light , probably won’t do much. Most so-called “mid-life crises”  are really far more involved, big issues just coming out under the stress of mid-life. Few are just about the stresses of that period, alone. I hope your situation is one of the latter, but it’s doubtful.

One way or another, I’d get in and find out what’s actually going on.

I understand the pickle you’re in. If there’s more to discuss, or more information that could give me a clearer picture of the situation that could lead to more tailored recommendations, please let me know, either here or via phone or email available on my website.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.