Need Help..Dont Know What Happend To Me

[John23a]

I have been with my girlfriend for 10 months now. When we first started going out I felt like im really in love. Like she made me happy, she made me feel good about myself. I was very scared that she might leave me because I had a bad experience before with my first girlfriend and I got cheated on, So I was really scared that she might leave me and I had hard time trusting her but in couple of occasions she really proved that she loves me and I even read her diary and the things she wrote about me was like something you would see on movies. So I trusted her and things got better. But from two weeks ago I have been feeling like I don’t love her as I used to do before and sometimes this makes me really sad because I don’t want to hurt her. Its like I don’t know if I really love her or not anymore and its really bothering me. Our sexual life has been a mess in the past week as I don’t get turned on anymore. She told me why and I was like I don’t know I just have a lot of stress in my life. Well I suffer from anxiety and im thinking maybe my anxiety is causing all these thoughts and I really do lover her but I just think about not loving her and the anxiety makes it worse and its just all messed up. I don’t know but this is really bothering me. She is one of those girls that im sure will never cheat on me, lie to me and she truly loves me.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Ibiza,

It sounds like your issues of trust and anxiety are getting in the way of your proper evaluation of the situation with this woman. I suspect that your fantasies of having sex with other women are part of this confusion. You're not acting on them, so relax the guilt, ok?

With the trust and anxiety issues, how can you understand what's her and what's your previous experience? No wonder you're ambivalent! I strongly recommend you sit down with a counselor and untangling all these feelings. You need to figure out how much your previous experience influences your perception of what's going on right now, with her. In doing so, your anxiety will be much relieved.

If you don't, it's likely that you'll continue to go round and round on the particular issues, fruitlessly, doing the human psychological equivalent of a dog chasing it's tail.

You've been upset enough. Let's stop it with some solid understanding!

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[John23a]

thank you doctor and thank u mami for the response..

well i have been feeling really confused lately over this relationship..i just feel like things are not the way they used to be before..i cant really say if i still love her or not and have been trying to answer this question for couple days now but no luck..at first i was really scared that she might leave me and i would tell her that i know one day you would cheat on me, and things like that..i have had a hard break up when i was younger and got cheated on, and that gave me hard time trusting girls..i still do have trusting issues..i cant say i dont love her because when i think of not having her by my side or when i think that she cheat on me or start talking to other guys i get really sad and depressed about it..at the same time i know shes not like that and loves me..i think me having trusting issues, and having anxiety both is influencing this relationship..altho my anxiety is much better these days i dont know if it could be the reason to why i have been confused about this relationship lately.

i also think about having sex with other girls but when it gets to action i cant do it, i feel like i cant hurt my gf by sleeping with other girls and i just feel this guilt and think about the fun times i have with her..i just wish i could stop these thoughts of me having sex with other girls because these are all thoughts and i dont even have plan on cheating on her or sleeping with other girls..its just thoughts that get to me..

its also very hard for me to see my gf..she has a strict parents that dont let out like all the other girls..and thats the first time im being with someone like this..i dont know if that is why i have felt this way in the past few days..maybe i just want to spend more time with her, be able to go out for a dinner, for a walk, movies and etc...

[mami1323]

What's not to like about her?  Do you think you fear getting close to her because you fear that she will one day hurt you?  After 10 months the feelings should be intensified and not diminished.  Either you are holding back because you know you care for her more and that scares you or you are holding back because the chemistry is no longer there.  All relationships start out wonderful and fun and there is a level of excitement that you get because it's new and fresh.  It's a newlywed type of feeling.  Those feelings over time fade but the relationship and love form into something different like respect, friendship and comfort.  So you may be mistaking this new feeling as possibly falling out of love but it just may be the change in the type of love you are feeling.  If you have severe anxiety, I think it's best to seek therapy to resolve those issues.  You may do this throughout your life with different women if you don't get some help.  

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Ibizaparadise,

Hi! This is supposedly my Expert Forum, but as you can see, your question on it has been answered by another person. They're not professionals, but perhaps did just as good a job, or even better.

In any case, I won't bother answering your question unless you still have a need, since you haven't asked for it to this point, and my answers take time and effort. If you do wish my help, just let me know. Otherwise, good luck.

Dr. P.