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Lied for 18 years
I lied to my spouse for 18 years about a past relationship. I would mention this person but would only indicate we were friends. It has recently come out that we were more than friends and my spouse is very upset/hurt by this fact and wonders why I kept this from him. I really can't explain why I lied and he is really searching for an answer and I want to be able to give him one. Our marriage depends on it. Please help!!!
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Needhelp,
Hi! This is supposedly my Expert Forum, but as you can see, your question on it has been answered by various other people. They're not professionals, but perhaps they did just as good a job, or even better.
In any case, I won't bother answering your question unless you still have a need, since you haven't asked for it to this point, and my answers take time and effort.
If you do wish my help, just let me know. Otherwise, good luck.
Dr. P.
Hi! This is supposedly my Expert Forum, but as you can see, your question on it has been answered by various other people. They're not professionals, but perhaps they did just as good a job, or even better.
In any case, I won't bother answering your question unless you still have a need, since you haven't asked for it to this point, and my answers take time and effort.
If you do wish my help, just let me know. Otherwise, good luck.
Dr. P.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Needhelp,
Let's look at the possibilities, then try to make a plan.
Some reasons you maintained your interest:
“ The Zeigarnik Effect.” I'm not kidding, and this is not trivial. Google this phrase to learn more. It refers to our tendency to value and highlight more, things which are cognitively or emotionally incomplete, over those which are complete. This isn't a silly academic idea; it very much applies to relationships. We, not just you, but all of us (very much including myself!) ask WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN, especially with lovers with whom the long-term deal was never made. I can easily see this as applying to you. In addition, this man disappeared without a word after your first semester! There was absolutely no closure. Your emotions, those connected with being lovers, and also with abandonment, were left open and ongoing. If this is you, welcome to the club. Membership includes most of the human race.
2. Beyond Zeigarnik: perhaps you've had some real feelings for the man, not just sexual ones, or general emotional ones, but feelings particular to you, or you and him. If so, perhaps these key into traits of yours, or personal, historical experiences, most probably from your growing up time, that have generated a need for airing and playing out with someone. Perhaps college guy was it, and therefore those needs and/or issues went back into the closet for all those years. If so, you need to figure out what they were, and are, and work with them. Again, this is no sign that you're either a bad wife, or a nut. This need is universal. It's how our minds and feelings work. Being human is messy that way! So be absolutely honest with yourself. Cool it on the guilt, plumb your heart and secondarily your head, and see what comes of it. No one will know, unless you choose to tell them.
As for the rush of excitement upon discovery of the man on Facebook: we'll have to see as we go along just what it was really about. Again, when thinking about this, try to call it as you really see it, or more appropriately, feel it.
I completely understand your disinclination to mention your college liaison with this man over the years. Husbands get possessive and territorial. They work by an innate double standard; they're jealous in retrospect about their woman having had someone else's attention and/or someone else having been inside their woman’s body. It's their nature. Since it became ok for women to be sexual before marriage, women have gotten very quiet about their past affairs. The several hundred years before that? Exactly the same! So at that level, why WOULD you mention it?
RE handling this with your husband:
First, I'd think through the above, and for the meantime, do nothing. Only after coming to some tentative conclusions, would I do the following.
If it was relatively “pure Zeigarnik” I'd say so. Teach him about this, as well as the idea that you were afraid his pride would be hurt. If there WAS something else, and it's not particularly offensive to him, say that too. Share your introspection, if appropriate. If not, talk it through with someone, friend or professional. If the cause of your interest in the college guy is something incomplete or difficult about your relationship with your husband, then use it as a way of bringing up what's not quite right. Put it in terms of something you'd like to make BETTER.
RE the issue of him not believing you: after you understand the situation a bit better, you'll simply tell the truth. If you're with him, and this other man is truly a side issue, you can simply say, “judge me by my actions.” He will, and the problem will fade away with time.
So for the moment, you may have some homework to do. Perhaps there's more to the story; if so, perhaps I'll hear about it!
I'd be happy to reconnect after you've given all this some thought.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
Let's look at the possibilities, then try to make a plan.
Some reasons you maintained your interest:
“ The Zeigarnik Effect.” I'm not kidding, and this is not trivial. Google this phrase to learn more. It refers to our tendency to value and highlight more, things which are cognitively or emotionally incomplete, over those which are complete. This isn't a silly academic idea; it very much applies to relationships. We, not just you, but all of us (very much including myself!) ask WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN, especially with lovers with whom the long-term deal was never made. I can easily see this as applying to you. In addition, this man disappeared without a word after your first semester! There was absolutely no closure. Your emotions, those connected with being lovers, and also with abandonment, were left open and ongoing. If this is you, welcome to the club. Membership includes most of the human race.
2. Beyond Zeigarnik: perhaps you've had some real feelings for the man, not just sexual ones, or general emotional ones, but feelings particular to you, or you and him. If so, perhaps these key into traits of yours, or personal, historical experiences, most probably from your growing up time, that have generated a need for airing and playing out with someone. Perhaps college guy was it, and therefore those needs and/or issues went back into the closet for all those years. If so, you need to figure out what they were, and are, and work with them. Again, this is no sign that you're either a bad wife, or a nut. This need is universal. It's how our minds and feelings work. Being human is messy that way! So be absolutely honest with yourself. Cool it on the guilt, plumb your heart and secondarily your head, and see what comes of it. No one will know, unless you choose to tell them.
As for the rush of excitement upon discovery of the man on Facebook: we'll have to see as we go along just what it was really about. Again, when thinking about this, try to call it as you really see it, or more appropriately, feel it.
I completely understand your disinclination to mention your college liaison with this man over the years. Husbands get possessive and territorial. They work by an innate double standard; they're jealous in retrospect about their woman having had someone else's attention and/or someone else having been inside their woman’s body. It's their nature. Since it became ok for women to be sexual before marriage, women have gotten very quiet about their past affairs. The several hundred years before that? Exactly the same! So at that level, why WOULD you mention it?
RE handling this with your husband:
First, I'd think through the above, and for the meantime, do nothing. Only after coming to some tentative conclusions, would I do the following.
If it was relatively “pure Zeigarnik” I'd say so. Teach him about this, as well as the idea that you were afraid his pride would be hurt. If there WAS something else, and it's not particularly offensive to him, say that too. Share your introspection, if appropriate. If not, talk it through with someone, friend or professional. If the cause of your interest in the college guy is something incomplete or difficult about your relationship with your husband, then use it as a way of bringing up what's not quite right. Put it in terms of something you'd like to make BETTER.
RE the issue of him not believing you: after you understand the situation a bit better, you'll simply tell the truth. If you're with him, and this other man is truly a side issue, you can simply say, “judge me by my actions.” He will, and the problem will fade away with time.
So for the moment, you may have some homework to do. Perhaps there's more to the story; if so, perhaps I'll hear about it!
I'd be happy to reconnect after you've given all this some thought.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
Dr. Pomerance -
Thank you for your response. I would like your help and feedback. I have not and do not have feelings for this person over these past 18 years. That is why I am really confused about why I didn't tell my husband from the beginning about what type of relationship we had 18 years ago. I have been married for 15 years, so obviously the relationship with this other person was before I met my husband. We met in college and this person just up and left and did not return after our first semester. He didn't call or tell me he wasn't coming back, so I felt abandoned. We were more friends than anything, but did have some intimacy at times. Since he just picked up and left, I have simply wondered thru the years where his life had led him. When I would mention him to my spouse, and I didn't devulge we had been more than friends at times, I really don't know why. When we reconnected on FB, I was not trying to rekindle anything, but I will admit, it brought back the rush of excitement I felt 18 years ago, but I had no intentions whatsoever of anything happening with this person. I have told my husband these things, but he feels like I had feelings for this person and that I wanted more. This is so not the case, but he won't believe me now since I never told him the entire truth. I really do not know how to address this anymore with my husband because no matter what I say, he doesn't believe me. Help!
Thank you for your response. I would like your help and feedback. I have not and do not have feelings for this person over these past 18 years. That is why I am really confused about why I didn't tell my husband from the beginning about what type of relationship we had 18 years ago. I have been married for 15 years, so obviously the relationship with this other person was before I met my husband. We met in college and this person just up and left and did not return after our first semester. He didn't call or tell me he wasn't coming back, so I felt abandoned. We were more friends than anything, but did have some intimacy at times. Since he just picked up and left, I have simply wondered thru the years where his life had led him. When I would mention him to my spouse, and I didn't devulge we had been more than friends at times, I really don't know why. When we reconnected on FB, I was not trying to rekindle anything, but I will admit, it brought back the rush of excitement I felt 18 years ago, but I had no intentions whatsoever of anything happening with this person. I have told my husband these things, but he feels like I had feelings for this person and that I wanted more. This is so not the case, but he won't believe me now since I never told him the entire truth. I really do not know how to address this anymore with my husband because no matter what I say, he doesn't believe me. Help!
So, im not understanding why you kept this from your husband !! if it was over years ago!! and now you and this guy are friends on fb!!! I agree are you trying to rekindle something with this guy?
You didn't tell him because you knew he would be uncomfortable letting you be friends with this man. Can I ask why you wanted to reconnect with this person again after 18 years? Do you think part of you is looking for some type of excitement and therefore subconciously you persued this "friendship" to try and get a little of that feeling?
No, I did not have an affair with this man. In fact, I had not spoken to or seen him for 18 years. We reconnected via FB and in the process my husband found out that we had been more than friends 18 years ago. When I mentioned his name over the years, I had only said we were friends. Like I said, I don't understand why I didn't tell him that we had been more all those years ago. And it isn't like I have thought about him as more than a friend all of these years. I love my husband and have always loved him.
Are you saying that you had an affair, with this other person? for 18 years!! .
If I were in your spouse's position, I think I would feel like my marriage had been a complete sham for 18 years and the trust that your spouse had in you as well, he obviously trusted you and believed you when you said that this was a friendship!! So the poor guy must be feeling devastated right now !!
If I were in your spouse's position, I think I would feel like my marriage had been a complete sham for 18 years and the trust that your spouse had in you as well, he obviously trusted you and believed you when you said that this was a friendship!! So the poor guy must be feeling devastated right now !!
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