My hubby want to have sex all the time

[Coolbug]

Hi, i am 28 yrs old, married working women.and my hubby is 25yrs old. I married 1 yr before. and uptill now we dont have any baby and nor we are planning. My problem is ,I love my hubby so much. i cant even imagine life without him. and he also love me so much. But the problem is he always want sex,3-4 times in a day. he even dont want to leave me in my Periods,also.
              And the problem goes worse,when i say no..and it will end up on fight. I really dont have,and i never had  more interest in sex. I mean i like it,once or 2,3 times in a week,but not all the time.
                                  And that is why,most of the time, i just be with him,and pretending,that i also want this with the same intensity, to avoid fights.
                         I talk to him many times,i tried to make him understand,that love is not all about sex,and what i feel,but he don't understand. He reply me, if love is not all about sex,then will you allow me,to sleep with another women? its really frustrating and paining to me.Please help me,to solve this problem. Is their any meds to increase sex interest in women?
                  

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Coolbug,

Three or four times a day is a lot, but some men are like that. Was he deprived of sex until recently? If so, it may take some time to cool down. Was he always so sexual? Did something happen to make him this way? Is he anxious or a compulsive kind of personality?

There are indeed meds to increase libido in women. You can research this online, perhaps starting with this link:          
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/can-medicine-boost-female-sex-drive.

However, there are a number of other things to consider first:

1. He is at his most sexual at his age. He may slow down over time. Most men do.

2. The question is whether he slows down generally, or just with you, and takes up with someone who will “service” him as often as he may need. It’s hard to predict. Certainly the latter outcome is what many married women are understandably concerned with. You’d have to monitor this over time.

As to his request about having sex with other women, your answer will probably be “no!” The worst case scenario is that he’ll take up with them, in time, anyway.

3. It may be that you can find other ways of having sex with him other than intercourse, that will be both tolerable and less exhausting for you; oral sex, for instance.

4. Men don’t really “see” a relationship until sometime in their 30’s. They have be, in effect, trained. You might want to try doing things with him that interest him and you as well, things that are not strictly sexual but also make it feel like a real relationship.

5. It doesn’t sound like you yourself have sexual problem. The meds would be for women who have no interest in sex whatever.

Perhaps think about the above ideas and questions, and feel free to get back to me. I don’t have a sense of his motivations and how he’s put together, and I’d need these to make any further recommendations.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[catwalk4]

First off, I understand your situation completely.  I was in the same kind of relationship for years and think I can help.  I know it was over a month ago but I'm assuming you (like thousands of other women) are still in this problem since it's very difficult to resolve and can't be done quickly.  Getting over this issue involves sacrifice, work, and trust.

Unfortunately, the doctors answers are not very helpful, and actually quite naive.  "some men are just like that" is not reassuring or what you need to hear.  Also, I have some comments on his number of things to consider:
1. Yes, some men slow down with age. Are you supposed to wait through 5 YEARS of this unacceptable behavior? I don't think so!
2. You are not there to "service" him sexually, you are his companion (not his sex slave) and only considering the husbands ideas about sex is not right.  Your feelings, not just his, need to be heard.  It's not a matter of finding him sex 3-4 times a day, it's getting his compulsion under a reasonable control.
3.  Sex other than intercourse is still sex, and usually leads to intercourse.  You know that, your husband knows that, so "oral" and other stuff will not cut it.  NEXT!
4.  Again, why should you have to wait 5 years for him to get his act together & calm down?  Every part of your relationship will suffer if he wants sex all the time, or after "training" him to do other stuff with you, he will expect sex after.  
5.  Eventually him guilting you into sex will make your sex drive disappear & you WILL need medications.  There are NO medications, however, that are to increase libido in women.  NONE.  There are some meds & supplements that may help, but may not, it's just a gamble.

You AND your husband need to actively work on breaking this cycle of sex.  He needs to understand that you are not just a body for him to use, and that making you have sex that often when you don't want to will damage you mentally and you will end up resenting him.  Explain that guilting you into sex is not a turn on and although is good for him in the short term (sex right then), in the long term it will mean the end of what used to be a solid or loving relationship.  Good luck and stay strong.  SAY NO!