Why do I lie so much???

[Danno141]

I am a 26yr old guy, I started seeing my Fiancee just over 2 years ago. A little over a year ago I was txting/e-mailing  several girls and flirting with them, nothing went any further and it never would.

I apologised to my Fiancee, begged for her forgiveness and we moved on, since then I have not been able to stop lying, mainly if something has happened and I've been caught out and my natural reaction is to lie to get myself out of trouble. Even silly things like if she rings and says have you taken the dog out, I'll say yes even though I haven't yet and then rush around like an idiot to get back on track.

Today she logged onto my facebook account (which I have no problem her doing as I have nothing to hide anymore) and there was a msg that was on there from one of the girls I was flirting with, it was an old msg, over a yr old but when she questioned me about the flirting incident all over again lied and said I din't know what she was talking about, the girl in question I had a relationship with about 8 years ago, and I am sure I had kept the msg on there to be honest (My fiancee has deleted it so I couldn't be exactly sure what it said, as I said this was over a year ago so I had moved on) as the msg was me asking her why she had put how she new me as "sexual"

Now my fiancee has really kicked the cart, there has been quite a few incidents of me "white lying" but I think this is the straw that has broke the camels back.

I want to change, I need to change otherwise I am going to lose her. I love her with all my heart and worship the ground she walks on and would never cheat on her. She is everything to me. I need to stop lying. I have read various posts that say lying is a drug and that you have to stop gradually, and I know I am better now than I used to be but I have to crack this otherwise it will ruin my life.

Somebody please help or please point me in the right direction.

many thanks

Dan

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Danno,

I see you posted with Dr. Grossbart. I think has suggestions were good, for the short-term, with your girlfriend.

Beyond that, my guess, based on what you've said above, is that you've picked up lying as a way of coping, probably from your father. You're on “automatic.” Maybe ditto with your tendency to look like you're being unfaithful. He went further, but perhaps you've got tendencies in the same direction. Or maybe you've just been mimicking him, tracking the behavior you saw as a kid, but without the intention.

You also have the history of lying to make yourself look good. I wouldn't be surprised if that was also a part of your identification with him. And after a while the lying takes on a life of its own, doesn't it? It feels so good, and one doesn't have to deal with one's own shortcomings, and the real world!

As far as the lying around the cancer is concerned, maybe here again you were on automatic, using the instinctive method to protect yourself from something (anxiety, dependency, fear of the illness, etc). Possibly your father did this also.

I'd take this set of symptoms seriously. Worst case, you'll tend to veer toward the destruction of your relationships with your girlfriend and inevitably others, unconsciously and irresistibly. I'd  definitely book soon, with a smart, experienced, savvy, ideally male psychologist. You can head off the bad stuff, and get past it.

Make all these feelings and tendencies conscious, confront them, understand them in your guts, and bring them under your control. Then you won't have to lie automatically, and you won't have the fear of repeating the old man’s destructive ways.


Cordially,

Dr. P.

[Danno141]

Many thanks for your response Dr P.

As far as I can recall I was never punished as a child for lying, my Dad used to lie to my Mum all the time before she left him for being unfaithful.

I have tried to keep my Fiancee in the loop and I have admitted to her that I have a problem and she knows that I want to get help.

I wasn't lying to you or her about my fidelity either, yes i was flirting, but it never went any further, she means to much to me that if it ever came to the crunch i couldn't do anything, i liked the attention I got from the flirting at the time my Fiancee was away all week and only honme at weekends but for the last year now I've not flirted with anyone, I don't intend starting again either!! I worship the ground she walks on.

As far as our relationship goes everything is healthy other than my lying which obvioulsy causes trust issues, yes I'd like more sex but I also understand that at the moment due to work commitments and the like that it is hard for my Fiancee to get in the mood as much as she used to be, I know this will change and so it doesn't bother me. Just having her at home is enough for me

I am being drawn to your number two theory, as I used to be in situations a lot, at school and in my early stages of work that meant lying to make myself look good was the easiest thing to do. I think it has escalated from there. I'd tell people at school that I was off doing this and that at the weekend and I even told people at my first job that I was a twin which I'm not.

I seem to lie to get myself out of situations, to make things easier and to try and make situations easier.

I had cancer a few years ago, which a fair few people have questioned if I had,  I led a very private battle and didn't let anyone help me, I didn't let anyone come to the hospital when I was collecting drugs or for appointments and did everything by phone and told the hospital I had no fixed address so they couldn't send me details that meant my family would come with me. All appointments were confirmed by phone, I lied to my family and told them it was down to the consultant wanting to cut costs and that he had asked me if it was ok if I contacted me by phone, which in hindsight was a big error and something that I would never let happen if it came back back, I really missed out on the support that I could have had, all because I lied, even now i think my Fiancee still has doubts because of the lies that I have told which really hurts but I understand that after crying wolf on other things and lying about stuff when she has confronted me or caught me out then I can't blame her. The only person that ever came to the hospital with me was my Mum and I know that was to check that I was actually recieving treatment and actually had cancer which was proved true.
So there is another form of lying, I was lying to do what I thought was the right thing and saving my family from hurt so that I could fight the battle by myself, oh I'm starting to confuse even myself now!!

So - what you reckon now??

I would like to book some help with a psycologist / psycotherapist and soon - what can you reccomend I look for???

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Dan,

I hear you. It's compulsive. The first question is why.

One possibility is that it simply feels good. Lying can make us feel powerful. It's so easy. It makes life so much more simple! But it can be addictive, just like any other drug or behavior, e.g. gambling. The basis of this may well be neurological, creating a surge of pleasure-inducing chemicals.

The second possibility is that you've had experiences that predispose you to lying. Maybe you were punished for it as a child, or were in situations where life would have been much easier if you had lied. There are many other possible scenarios from personal history.

A third is that there's actually something amiss in your relationship with your girlfriend (e.g. attractiveness, sexual issues, etc.) and that you haven't wanted to acknowledge it. If this is the case, do so, and let's deal with it.

I suggest you consider all these possibilities. If it's the first one, you can choose to go “cold turkey” and tell your girlfriend all about your problem, including that you're faithful (assuming you haven't lied to yourself or me about this item!). If you go this way, remember that logically she can't immediately believe you. But the general idea is to share it with her. Committed liars don't usually do this, and it would speak to your wish to change. She could also be a support. You can also work to stop the behavior in a more personal and gradual way.

In either case, you'll have a lot of feelings and thoughts about being honest, and while doing so. Take note of them. They may teach you what this symptom is doing there.

If you have even a vague sense that it's possibility number two, I'd say consider doing a couple of meetings with a good psychologist. Clarify where the problem is from, and why it's there. Then you can plan how to use support and various behavioral techniques, as well as plain old effort, to control it.

Behaviorally oriented group therapy might help significantly for scenarios one and two.

Please feel free to communicate with me about the above possibilities and choices. With more information gained via your own introspection, perhaps I can point you in the right direction.

Sincerely,

Dr.P.