Verbally Abusive Husband

[Georgiegirl222]

We recently turned 60 and are "young" 60's.    Married over 35 yrs and even though throughout our marriage my husband has been verbally abusive to me at times, the last  5 years have gotten extremely worse.  Daily and constantly he is critic ing my every move he is yelling.  I just can't stand it ... I have tried talking to him, avoiding him and writing to him thinking in a note he would get it....but it continues .  What makes the situation worse is that when my 23  yr old daughter is home, he treats me with worse respect.   I tried talking to my Dr., and wondered if maybe he is 'depressed" and needed some meds, such as Zoloft...or something in that order..My Dr.  advised he could only help me if he was " abusive "  to me....and would need to make reports, which discouraged me...  He is not physically abusive, even though he does bring his face up to me and frighten me at times..He seems so unhappy at times and denies when I ask....  I am getting so miserable myself and just try to find reasons to go out, etc.   I am now in my " golden days " and want to enjoy my upcoming retirement but feel trapped.   He is on meds for RH Arthritis for years ....could  that be effecting his behavior.... Help  I just wish he would stop and would change to the man I married ...  Why is this happening.   any suggestions.  He just does not see this and thinks he is the perfect person...What does this tell you about this behavior.  thanks for any help you can give me.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Georgiegirl222,

Obviously your husband is on a  downward slide. The question is “why?” Perhaps it involves his physical health, either the arthritis or something else. Or he's having problems coming to terms with has limitations as he nears retirement. Depression in men of this age is common.  Or perhaps there's been an undiscussed problem in your relationship that is now reaching critical mass. Or some “X” factor.

Some strategies include 1) asking his doctor to address some possible causes at their next physical exam, if such exist; 2) asking the same doctor to try him on an SSRI such as Zoloft, if he deems it makes medical sense, and your husband agrees; 3) discussing the situation again with your own doctor (not clear why he's keeping distance from your problem); 4) find your own counselor or back you and gather more detail, to make a plan more tailored to your particular situation.

It's a tough, tangled situation, and it needs to be untangled with care, and slowly. It's unlikely that your husband can change miraculously, overnight. The idea is to generate a shift in attitude, beginning with yours, i.e. that you  know something is wrong, and won't  stop till the situation is rectified.You deserve a good retirement! Often a person like your husband will get the message, and begin to acknowledge that there's work to be done in one area or another. If he doesn't, you and your advisor(s) will have to determine your next step.

Sincerely,

Doctor Pomerance

[Georgiegirl222]

Thank you so much for your reply, advice and guidance.  Just hearing from you is a relief and I have a place to start.

GG222