Unworthiness

[giraffe7983]

I posted here before and thought the advice was great.

My overall problem is that I have an overall feeling of unworthiness. I grew up in a strictly religious, rigid background where my mom would constantly criticize my mistakes and put me down, saying that she would rather have one of my friends as a son instead of me, etc.

I'm in my early 30's now. However, I always feel guilty if I do good things for myself. If I'm happier than someone I feel guilty. If I have more money than someone I feel guilty. I'm afraid they'll put me down or call me spoiled or something.

It's just that I feel guilty if I do good things for myself and figure that my mom or someone else will just walk up to me and say I don't deserve it.

My questions are:

1) How do I overcome the feeling of unworthiness and

2) How do I handle if someone points out a mistake I've made or says I don't deserve something?

I have trouble with caring about what people think of me.

Thank you.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Giraffe,

Speaking for Medhelp admin, our apologies in not responding sooner. Personally, I just learned of your email. Usually I am notified immediately.

I will think about your very valid and complex question, and get back to you in the next day or two.

That is better for both of us than my simply dashing something off.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[carlee611]

call me selfish but you have got to think of number 1 sometimes and youve got to stop putting your self down about it, theres nothing wrong in looking after your self or making your self happy.
i dont think others are going to judge because the majority of people go out of thier way to satisfy them selves. dont worry b happy :)

[giraffe7983]

Thank you, Carlee. I guess I was forgetting about my own needs and need to take the time to make sure those are taken care of too.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Giraffe,

Thanks for the kind words!

I’ve reviewed our previous communication of March last year. I remember commenting at length on how unsupportive and “impossible” your mother seemed to be. I mentioned there that an entire change of perspective was required for you to maintain a sense of personal integrity.

My response to the present problem is tied to the former one. It makes sense that you would wind up feeling unworthy, in an atmosphere of constant criticism. What has happened is that your parent’s behavior has gotten into your personality as a whole. Obviously, your self-esteem has suffered greatly. This is no condemnation. However, it does mean that you need to take the problem a step or two more seriously, and get some real and ongoing help with it. In the first writing, I detailed what I thought you needed, so I won’t go over it here. Your view of yourself and other people is radically out of balance. How could it be otherwise, with your history?

It’s time to get into some relationships, starting with a solid, caring, supportive professional one, that validate you and the rational world that you could not experience as a child, and help you understand the distortions you now impose upon yourself.

This is not a short little path to health, but it doesn’t have to be an ultra long highway, either. The sooner you get that help, and the better quality it is, the shorter that road will be. And the good things you do for yourself in this regard will persist for the rest of your life.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[giraffe7983]

Thank you very much. I'll work on getting healthy relationships.