Aa
Should I stay?
I am 20 years old and have a boyfriend of 4 years who has a little girl. I also have a best friend who is also an ex and says he still loves me. We broke up when we were younger because he had to move. Now I love my current boyfriend but I'm afraid our relationship in not changing. What I mean by this ishis mother an ex call the shots. His mother always tries to control us and wants us to do everything she says of course I say nothing cuz his daughter is not mine. Also the mtoher is the same way she has a hard time sending her kid with nice clothes to school and yells at us for stupid reason on top of that my bf does whatever she tells him too. I feel like he being controlled and when I talk to him about it he says nothing. He never expresses emotions when I ask him things. I told him how i felt the other day and he did not say a word. He doesn't seem to realize that he is very close to losing me not because I don't love him but because he is not appreciating me or valuing my opinion. My best friend on the other hand listens to what i have to say and supports me. He said he will be here whether I break up with my boyfriend or not. He's been the best even before i told him i might be breaking upwith my bf. He doesnt know any specific problems. I don't know what to do? I am torn between the one I've loved for 4 years and the one I've loved for 8 eyears and yes I do love my friend but I tried to move on?I don't want to leave my current life but I'm not sure I could stay in it for my own sanity???HelpI don't know what to do
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear AbigailAngel,
Yes, if you keep going this way you could drive yourself completely NUTS! Let’s stop and plan instead.
I’d suggest that you give your present guy fair warning that there were things that simply had to change if you are to continue to be with him. These include, most clearly, the domination by his mother and ex both. If they get in the way of your relationship growing and maturing, it’s fatal. Also, he needs to NOT shut down about the issue. And you, like everyone else, need to be heard, and have your opinion valued (not the same as sucking up!). If he can’t do these things, it’s a bad sign for the relationship.
Even if he cops to the issue and signs up, change won’t be overnight, and you’ll have to understand this. It’s his fidelity to real change that counts. If he’s in his early 20’s, it will take learning, maturity, and strategizing. If you can’t wait, then don’t.
If he waffles, tell him you mean it, give him three strikes, and on the third, end it. Let’s see what he’s made of.
As for your other guy: remember that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. You can’t be sure what he’ll actually be like if you’re together. For guidelines on seeing past the obvious about other people, maybe start with my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com.
If you have more questions, please feel free to get back to me.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
Yes, if you keep going this way you could drive yourself completely NUTS! Let’s stop and plan instead.
I’d suggest that you give your present guy fair warning that there were things that simply had to change if you are to continue to be with him. These include, most clearly, the domination by his mother and ex both. If they get in the way of your relationship growing and maturing, it’s fatal. Also, he needs to NOT shut down about the issue. And you, like everyone else, need to be heard, and have your opinion valued (not the same as sucking up!). If he can’t do these things, it’s a bad sign for the relationship.
Even if he cops to the issue and signs up, change won’t be overnight, and you’ll have to understand this. It’s his fidelity to real change that counts. If he’s in his early 20’s, it will take learning, maturity, and strategizing. If you can’t wait, then don’t.
If he waffles, tell him you mean it, give him three strikes, and on the third, end it. Let’s see what he’s made of.
As for your other guy: remember that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. You can’t be sure what he’ll actually be like if you’re together. For guidelines on seeing past the obvious about other people, maybe start with my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com.
If you have more questions, please feel free to get back to me.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Abigail,
It’s a judgment call. What’s enough, or quick enough change for one person may not be for another.
That said, I think it’s all about whether your partner 1) recognizes what’s wrong; 2) takes ACTIVE steps to change; 3) stays the course with numbers one and two. Real, lasting change doesn’t happen over night. It’s all about THE FIDELITY TO IT. You’re quite young, and perhaps don’t get this piece. As a rough analogy, imagine a toddler knocks over dishes, or whatever. Would you cut the kid some slack? Of course you would; but how much? Plenty, I suspect. So would I. I don’t know about you, but I knocked over a lot of stuff when I was little!
The kid has to learn gradually, but is for inner reasons determined to master the problem. If as adults we can bring to bear this kind of DETERMINATION, then we’ll win after a while. Remember the reggae song “You Can Get It If You Really Want? Check out the lyrics.
As for the resentment, in my experience if the other person is really busting themselves to make righteous changes, our resentment goes away, because they’ve regained our respect.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
It’s a judgment call. What’s enough, or quick enough change for one person may not be for another.
That said, I think it’s all about whether your partner 1) recognizes what’s wrong; 2) takes ACTIVE steps to change; 3) stays the course with numbers one and two. Real, lasting change doesn’t happen over night. It’s all about THE FIDELITY TO IT. You’re quite young, and perhaps don’t get this piece. As a rough analogy, imagine a toddler knocks over dishes, or whatever. Would you cut the kid some slack? Of course you would; but how much? Plenty, I suspect. So would I. I don’t know about you, but I knocked over a lot of stuff when I was little!
The kid has to learn gradually, but is for inner reasons determined to master the problem. If as adults we can bring to bear this kind of DETERMINATION, then we’ll win after a while. Remember the reggae song “You Can Get It If You Really Want? Check out the lyrics.
As for the resentment, in my experience if the other person is really busting themselves to make righteous changes, our resentment goes away, because they’ve regained our respect.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
Hi It's me again and I really enjoyed yoru advice which let me know I was on the right track just you put it in better words.. I was wondering...I have been holding alot of resentment towards my partner lately I see that he is taking steps to try but it's as if these steps aren't good enough for me right now... Should I just wait and see if this passes or move on?
how long should i wait to see?
lately i have been very distant with him and he's sucking up but I don;'t know if there will actually be some changes...
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