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A Liar Needs Help
I am a liar. I lie about many things. I know where the motivation comes from and that's not the point of my question. I have consciously made a choice to no longer lie as my life has never been better because of lying.
About two and a half years ago I met a woman. I was in a bad place in my life when I met her and was at the same time involved with another woman who was married as well as living with an ex-girlfriend (convenience/fiscal needs). I did not expect to meet this woman and fall madly in love with her. And I did. She is drop dead beautiful, unbelievable smart, Ivy League educated doctor, funny and caring. She is the ultimate woman in my opinion. For this post I will refer to her as Judith. A few months after meeting her, I developed serious and deep love for Judith. I could not continue on with the other woman and it was breaking my heart to have a lie so serious. I tried to break off the affair. The other woman angrily came to my Judith's home and told her everything. She didn't say a word, just motioned for me to get out. I reflected on the pain I had caused two people and it was agonizing. I had a few "ah ha" moments and Judith and I kept communicating.Four days later, she took me back. I literally lived with the love of my life four days after telling her I was involved with someone else before meeting her and during the first few months of our relationship.
We tried to make things work. I had lost my job prior to the revealing of the affair and Judith let me live there rent free for SEVEN MONTHS!!!!
About two months later, I had a good job offer but lied on my resume'. I had never told her of my education level and now the truth was out. She still stayed with me. I lost the job offer though.
I finally got a job seven months after moving in with her and we kept trying. She was amazing to me but demanding. As she should be. I struggled with the constant pressure of not feeling like I was enough for someone like her who had done so much with her life.
I wanted to marry this woman so badly but could not get far enough ahead to buy her a ring.
A few months after I began working a new casino opened up near her place. I have never had a problem with gambling. I went in a lost a hundred bucks in a few minutes and decided that it was stupid to gamble. But I went back a few weeks later. I won over a thousand dollars and that's when the problem set in. I thought "this is easy money! I CAN get her the ring!!" So, I began to gamble - A LOT. I lied to her about gambling for a few months. When I came clean I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting and she came with me to my first meeting. However, I did not tell her that the gambling had caused me to borrow money to cover my losses. GA helped for a while. I was successful in abstaining for a while but was not taking the program seriously or I would have told her about the loans. I had a relapse late last year which I hid from her. She found out a few weeks ago and all of the lies I had told to cover up the problem are now out in the open. I have nothing to hide now.
She left me. Who could blame her? She is a saint for putting up with as much as she did. I am tortured by what I have done to this wonderful person who only wanted me to be a good man and love her and be responsible. While she has not completely cut off communication I am not hopeful that I will ever have her back in my life. By the way - I'm 44 years old and I acted like a child! I am 100% certain of this fact.
I have gone back to GA and am attending as many meeting every week that I can possibly attend. I now have a sponsor and I am living the GA life as best as I can. I have excluded myself from every casino in the state. I have offered her to have full access to my bank account so she can see exactly where my money is going. I am beginning therapy with a counselor next week. I have offered to take a picture at anytime to prove I am wherever I say I am. I am offering her 100% transparency and the highest effort to repair what I believe are my issues. I am committed to the program and the promises I have made to myself to never lie again. But I do not think it's enough.
My question is this:
What else can I do to show her I am doing the work necessary to "get right" with my life? After telling so many lies is it completely unreasonable to expect that she will ever come back to me? This woman means the world to me. How can I help her heal her broken heart? Her heart is broken and I am disgusted by my actions and the hurt I have caused Judith - the angel sent from above to show me what love truly feels like. My pain is immense and I just want to show her that I can be that man.
Thank you all.
About two and a half years ago I met a woman. I was in a bad place in my life when I met her and was at the same time involved with another woman who was married as well as living with an ex-girlfriend (convenience/fiscal needs). I did not expect to meet this woman and fall madly in love with her. And I did. She is drop dead beautiful, unbelievable smart, Ivy League educated doctor, funny and caring. She is the ultimate woman in my opinion. For this post I will refer to her as Judith. A few months after meeting her, I developed serious and deep love for Judith. I could not continue on with the other woman and it was breaking my heart to have a lie so serious. I tried to break off the affair. The other woman angrily came to my Judith's home and told her everything. She didn't say a word, just motioned for me to get out. I reflected on the pain I had caused two people and it was agonizing. I had a few "ah ha" moments and Judith and I kept communicating.Four days later, she took me back. I literally lived with the love of my life four days after telling her I was involved with someone else before meeting her and during the first few months of our relationship.
We tried to make things work. I had lost my job prior to the revealing of the affair and Judith let me live there rent free for SEVEN MONTHS!!!!
About two months later, I had a good job offer but lied on my resume'. I had never told her of my education level and now the truth was out. She still stayed with me. I lost the job offer though.
I finally got a job seven months after moving in with her and we kept trying. She was amazing to me but demanding. As she should be. I struggled with the constant pressure of not feeling like I was enough for someone like her who had done so much with her life.
I wanted to marry this woman so badly but could not get far enough ahead to buy her a ring.
A few months after I began working a new casino opened up near her place. I have never had a problem with gambling. I went in a lost a hundred bucks in a few minutes and decided that it was stupid to gamble. But I went back a few weeks later. I won over a thousand dollars and that's when the problem set in. I thought "this is easy money! I CAN get her the ring!!" So, I began to gamble - A LOT. I lied to her about gambling for a few months. When I came clean I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting and she came with me to my first meeting. However, I did not tell her that the gambling had caused me to borrow money to cover my losses. GA helped for a while. I was successful in abstaining for a while but was not taking the program seriously or I would have told her about the loans. I had a relapse late last year which I hid from her. She found out a few weeks ago and all of the lies I had told to cover up the problem are now out in the open. I have nothing to hide now.
She left me. Who could blame her? She is a saint for putting up with as much as she did. I am tortured by what I have done to this wonderful person who only wanted me to be a good man and love her and be responsible. While she has not completely cut off communication I am not hopeful that I will ever have her back in my life. By the way - I'm 44 years old and I acted like a child! I am 100% certain of this fact.
I have gone back to GA and am attending as many meeting every week that I can possibly attend. I now have a sponsor and I am living the GA life as best as I can. I have excluded myself from every casino in the state. I have offered her to have full access to my bank account so she can see exactly where my money is going. I am beginning therapy with a counselor next week. I have offered to take a picture at anytime to prove I am wherever I say I am. I am offering her 100% transparency and the highest effort to repair what I believe are my issues. I am committed to the program and the promises I have made to myself to never lie again. But I do not think it's enough.
My question is this:
What else can I do to show her I am doing the work necessary to "get right" with my life? After telling so many lies is it completely unreasonable to expect that she will ever come back to me? This woman means the world to me. How can I help her heal her broken heart? Her heart is broken and I am disgusted by my actions and the hurt I have caused Judith - the angel sent from above to show me what love truly feels like. My pain is immense and I just want to show her that I can be that man.
Thank you all.
COMMUNITY LEADER
You did kind of miss my point that I strongly believe this woman also has significant internal issues. She lived this life with you that most would have left much sooner than she did. That doesn't make her admirable, it makes her damaged. She is as unhealthy as you are and I hope she gets some help as well.
I am sorry you are in so much pain. Do go back to the hospital if the suicidal thoughts continue or intensify. But if you seek help, work on you and follow through, your life will be happy. And you can be with someone that you feel equal to and not taking care of you which has probably been so unbalanced all this time that it ate away at your confidence. This was not a good relationship in many ways in my opinion and it wasn't just you.
Take care of yourself and please let us know how you are doing.
I am sorry you are in so much pain. Do go back to the hospital if the suicidal thoughts continue or intensify. But if you seek help, work on you and follow through, your life will be happy. And you can be with someone that you feel equal to and not taking care of you which has probably been so unbalanced all this time that it ate away at your confidence. This was not a good relationship in many ways in my opinion and it wasn't just you.
Take care of yourself and please let us know how you are doing.
Idbenson------You are on the right tract. I am a recovering alcoholic with an addictive personality, so I can somewhat identify with this journey you are about to undertake.
I commend you on your quick response to begin that journey. It will take time , but make sure you have help and support through it. DO NOT , I repeat DO Not think you can do this on your own you will need professional guidance through this process. Feeling suicidal is all part of it, so you need to make sure your emotions and reasoning are kept in check.
Please seek out a good psychologist or counselor . It is time to think about you not Judith. Keeping contact with her at this time will only cause both of you more pain. I do hope you understand this is all for your own self awareness. Life will improve as you improve--guaranteed.
My best wishes and prayers go with you as you begin.
Sincerely,
CML
I commend you on your quick response to begin that journey. It will take time , but make sure you have help and support through it. DO NOT , I repeat DO Not think you can do this on your own you will need professional guidance through this process. Feeling suicidal is all part of it, so you need to make sure your emotions and reasoning are kept in check.
Please seek out a good psychologist or counselor . It is time to think about you not Judith. Keeping contact with her at this time will only cause both of you more pain. I do hope you understand this is all for your own self awareness. Life will improve as you improve--guaranteed.
My best wishes and prayers go with you as you begin.
Sincerely,
CML
I am in agreement with you all. She got the short end of the stick, no doubt about it. I checked myself into the hospital today for an evaluation because I am feeling suicidal. I have been since discharged and will continue to work on myself and do my best to not pay attention to her. I wish this didn't hurt her so badly but I am certain it did. I need to come to grips with the fact that I don't deserve her now and by the time I do, she will very likely be gone forever.
Ask yourself..................what would "Judith" be getting? I don't think Judith should have to monitor the person she is with.............she is NO jail warden.
"My pain is immense and I just want to show her that I can be that man."..........Well, I think Judith's pain was just as immense as yours. You pretty much got back what you gave to her.
Do her and yourself a favor...........move on and work on YOU because your plate is pretty full considering all the work you have ahead of you. You have NOTHING to offer but problems.
"My pain is immense and I just want to show her that I can be that man."..........Well, I think Judith's pain was just as immense as yours. You pretty much got back what you gave to her.
Do her and yourself a favor...........move on and work on YOU because your plate is pretty full considering all the work you have ahead of you. You have NOTHING to offer but problems.
Hi db,
Paragraph nine is the key to unlocking your addictive personality.
Concentrate on you first , you need to be centered first. Then you can worry about Judith. You do not need to do this work for Judith, she is not the one you need to convince --you are.
You may find once you face your demons all of the things that made Judith the 'PERFECT one" is no longer what you need. If this relationship is meant to be than just getting your head screwed on straight will be all that is needed to find out.
Good Luck to you in this new journey!
Keep posting for support if needed.
Sincerely CML
Paragraph nine is the key to unlocking your addictive personality.
Concentrate on you first , you need to be centered first. Then you can worry about Judith. You do not need to do this work for Judith, she is not the one you need to convince --you are.
You may find once you face your demons all of the things that made Judith the 'PERFECT one" is no longer what you need. If this relationship is meant to be than just getting your head screwed on straight will be all that is needed to find out.
Good Luck to you in this new journey!
Keep posting for support if needed.
Sincerely CML
COMMUNITY LEADER
I have to say that while you see Judith as a saint, I see her as codependent. An unemployed man who had been lying to her from the start that she then from very early on knew his propensity for that, an addict, a person who has put her at risk in many ways and she stayed with him indicates to me that SHE is not emotionally healthy. Love doesn't conquer all and an educated doctor would not settle for this type of lifestyle. That she did would indicate some great deficits within her and I so hope that SHE becomes healthy and can move past this to have a MUTUAL relationship with someone who offers her what she does to them.
That is not a cut on you. You are struggling and I am very sorry for that. But I can not see a woman living in this type of situation as a healthy woman. And I hope that she seeks counseling to understand how she got herself into this situation with you. Everything was there and she continued on with the relationship when it would have been right for her to have ended things with the discovery of your character and lying in the beginning.
She was in caregiver role for you. I think you not only need to stop lying but maturing. You need to progress to grown man status that can live on your own, pay your own way in life, live authentically and independently. You are not a catch to anyone in terms of being a partner until you've mastered that. Otherwise, you are a man child they are helping to raise and sadly allowing to continue on this detrimental path.
THAT is what you need to focus on.
Not getting Judith back.
Get your life together. Find gainful employment. If your education is lacking, get a grant and go back to school while working. Find suitable living conditions for yourself (best without roommate so you are truly self sufficient). Work very hard on your addiction issues--- gambling is like any other addiction. AND, it is one that once conquered, unless you've worked a program, it switches to a different drug of choice. Be on the lookout for that. You could become addicted to any number of things and really need to be aware of this. Begin therapy to help yourself understand why you are stunted in emotional growth and have lived this way for so long.
So, Judith should not be interested in you until you've conquered your life on your own. You need to put your time and energy into this.
I am not putting you down and commend you for your honesty. My advice is what I think will genuinely help you. Get your life on track in ALL ways--- Judith should not come back to you until you've accomplished that. good luck
That is not a cut on you. You are struggling and I am very sorry for that. But I can not see a woman living in this type of situation as a healthy woman. And I hope that she seeks counseling to understand how she got herself into this situation with you. Everything was there and she continued on with the relationship when it would have been right for her to have ended things with the discovery of your character and lying in the beginning.
She was in caregiver role for you. I think you not only need to stop lying but maturing. You need to progress to grown man status that can live on your own, pay your own way in life, live authentically and independently. You are not a catch to anyone in terms of being a partner until you've mastered that. Otherwise, you are a man child they are helping to raise and sadly allowing to continue on this detrimental path.
THAT is what you need to focus on.
Not getting Judith back.
Get your life together. Find gainful employment. If your education is lacking, get a grant and go back to school while working. Find suitable living conditions for yourself (best without roommate so you are truly self sufficient). Work very hard on your addiction issues--- gambling is like any other addiction. AND, it is one that once conquered, unless you've worked a program, it switches to a different drug of choice. Be on the lookout for that. You could become addicted to any number of things and really need to be aware of this. Begin therapy to help yourself understand why you are stunted in emotional growth and have lived this way for so long.
So, Judith should not be interested in you until you've conquered your life on your own. You need to put your time and energy into this.
I am not putting you down and commend you for your honesty. My advice is what I think will genuinely help you. Get your life on track in ALL ways--- Judith should not come back to you until you've accomplished that. good luck
I know how deplorable my actions were. I am not proud and there is no excuse for what I have done to this wonderful person. Please consider that I am openly and honestly explaining the situation and my sins and looking for real help.
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