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Abusive partner or simply out of character?
Hi everyone. I've been with my partner for 2 years now. Following this weekends events I am very confused about how I should react towards him.
This weekend he saw me talking to another man he didnt know and he blew up completely. He grabbed me, shoved me, told me he wished I would get hit by a bus and worst of all he spat in my face. All of this done in public sphere.
Straight away i thought that's it, don't stay with someone like that. But after our time not talking i've been thinking. He has NEVER acted like this at all. He is the kind of guy who is afraid to swear at a woman. I've always felt 100% safe around him. He never loses his temper & the fact he got mad at the smallest thing makes me wonder what's going on?
He's been calling me absolutely devastated. He feels awful and he doesn't understand why he got so out of control. He refers to himself as 'a disgusting repulsive scumbag' and he won't stop crying. I've told him not to talk to me until he has seen someone and he agrees he thinks he needs too.
What do I do? Do I take him back? Do I never talk to him again? Is it acceptable for me to forgive him? Is this the first step to a wife beater? I'm so flipping confused.
This weekend he saw me talking to another man he didnt know and he blew up completely. He grabbed me, shoved me, told me he wished I would get hit by a bus and worst of all he spat in my face. All of this done in public sphere.
Straight away i thought that's it, don't stay with someone like that. But after our time not talking i've been thinking. He has NEVER acted like this at all. He is the kind of guy who is afraid to swear at a woman. I've always felt 100% safe around him. He never loses his temper & the fact he got mad at the smallest thing makes me wonder what's going on?
He's been calling me absolutely devastated. He feels awful and he doesn't understand why he got so out of control. He refers to himself as 'a disgusting repulsive scumbag' and he won't stop crying. I've told him not to talk to me until he has seen someone and he agrees he thinks he needs too.
What do I do? Do I take him back? Do I never talk to him again? Is it acceptable for me to forgive him? Is this the first step to a wife beater? I'm so flipping confused.
No!!! Don't take him back. It is the beginning of abusive relationship. If you take him bavck your asking for him to do it again because he will. I'm speaking from past experience. Good Luck!!
Regarding what RockRose was saying, there was a famous case of someone who went suddenly violent, and it was due to an undiagnosed brain tumor. I do second her question about some medical reason for him flipping out, but the spitting in your face sounds worse than just being suddenly angry.
I also wonder if he has in fact had such tendencies in the past but has been able to hide them. Even if his ex-girlfriend says she broke up with him because he was "too nice," there is always the possibility that he was being what my Southern friends call "too good to be true" i.e., not genuinely nice but very controlled and polite, masking who-knows-what.
Frankly, tears or no tears, I really would not trust him -- unless (and this is a big unless) he went through a lot of counseling (not just told you that he did) and kept you informed of the things he was learning along the way, and you found the things he was saying to be plausible reasons for his outburst. But even then, some things, such as being spit on in the face, are deal-breakers, and I would hesitate also because of the thing the posters are all saying ... once he does something like that and you take him back (even under such stringent conditions as ongoing counseling that you can confirm), he will know he can get away with it again. Abusers do this ... they harm someone and then spend a lot of time in elaborate ritual to make up to the person and convince them they are remorseful and will never do it again. Getting the person to go along with this and to believe them is part of their perverse pleasure. Then the whole cycle starts again.
You probably are far better off walking away. You've got your whole life ahead of you, spend it with someone who doesn't do things like suddenly go insane and spit in your face.
I also wonder if he has in fact had such tendencies in the past but has been able to hide them. Even if his ex-girlfriend says she broke up with him because he was "too nice," there is always the possibility that he was being what my Southern friends call "too good to be true" i.e., not genuinely nice but very controlled and polite, masking who-knows-what.
Frankly, tears or no tears, I really would not trust him -- unless (and this is a big unless) he went through a lot of counseling (not just told you that he did) and kept you informed of the things he was learning along the way, and you found the things he was saying to be plausible reasons for his outburst. But even then, some things, such as being spit on in the face, are deal-breakers, and I would hesitate also because of the thing the posters are all saying ... once he does something like that and you take him back (even under such stringent conditions as ongoing counseling that you can confirm), he will know he can get away with it again. Abusers do this ... they harm someone and then spend a lot of time in elaborate ritual to make up to the person and convince them they are remorseful and will never do it again. Getting the person to go along with this and to believe them is part of their perverse pleasure. Then the whole cycle starts again.
You probably are far better off walking away. You've got your whole life ahead of you, spend it with someone who doesn't do things like suddenly go insane and spit in your face.
Does he have a drinking problem or any other addiction? Adictions are horable and I know from experience that he might be scard of what he is addicted to and he shows his disstess in weird outbursts of anger and what not. He's probly thinking "if she knew I was addicted shed deffently leave me" and so he starts seeing horable imiges of you with someone else an you with that other guy might have triggered it. Don't blam yourself, try talking to him. Just always be there for him. He seams like he really cares about you, he's probly just going thru very hard times and needs your help now more than ever.
looumacn, your story is so unusual that I don't think anyone is going to be able to come to this forum and say oh yes that happened to me too and give you advice.
If what you're saying is the absolute truth, that he truly did not show ANY signs of being possessive before and then behaved in this outrageous way in PUBLIC, I would suspect a seizure disorder or a head injury or untreated diabetes - something that would explain a complete reversal in personality.
Best wishes.
If what you're saying is the absolute truth, that he truly did not show ANY signs of being possessive before and then behaved in this outrageous way in PUBLIC, I would suspect a seizure disorder or a head injury or untreated diabetes - something that would explain a complete reversal in personality.
Best wishes.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I do agree. I'd have a hard time getting past any man spitting in my face and man handling me.
There is not one excuse in the world that would give a man the right to EVER treat you like this, ever! I dont care what his problem is the results are the same regardless of it being one time or ten. You are only 18 years old and if you forgive even this one time, the possibility of it happening again is very high. Lots of women end up being married to someone before seeing this behavior. Even after dating and having a perfect relationship for a long time and then the night after the wedding, boom! I would take this very serious if I were you and keep your eyes open. I would say step back and observe with open eyes and decide from there. My personal advice would be one time is too many, c ya.
I've known him for four years. Almost five. He has NEVER acted like this. He treated his previous girlfriend of almost a year perfectly and she broke up with him for "being too nice".
Good on you for taking this seriously .......... just wondering - do you think that for the last 2 years he has somehow managed to 'hide' this side of his personality?
I think you need to think about this carefully BEECAUSE -
If this is the case..... and then you take him back and forgive him, then you've shown him that this behaviour is 'acceptable' on some level. And it may repeat.
So if you do decide on forgivness.... the only advise I can give you is keep your eyes WIDE open - and if you EVER see this side of him again don't walk away - RUN away!!
I think you need to think about this carefully BEECAUSE -
If this is the case..... and then you take him back and forgive him, then you've shown him that this behaviour is 'acceptable' on some level. And it may repeat.
So if you do decide on forgivness.... the only advise I can give you is keep your eyes WIDE open - and if you EVER see this side of him again don't walk away - RUN away!!
He is not on drugs or any medication. He's normally very friendly, outgoing & he doesn't mind who I talk to! I have plenty of male friends and this has NEVER been an issue in our relationship? He is normally the kindest person I know. This is the most bizzare part of it all.
Well, loumacn, it does not sound as if he is on drugs or has some serious problem. After 2 years, it seems like you would know about it.
Maybe you should take a break. I know how you feel- and I can say that once you allow someone to treat you like that, that person learns that it is "okay, and you will forgive them if they do it again and again and again".
Don't let this happen to you again. Remove this person from your life. You don't want a mate who treats you this way, believe me. It is not what you want. You deserve better.
Maybe you should take a break. I know how you feel- and I can say that once you allow someone to treat you like that, that person learns that it is "okay, and you will forgive them if they do it again and again and again".
Don't let this happen to you again. Remove this person from your life. You don't want a mate who treats you this way, believe me. It is not what you want. You deserve better.
Going crazy for no reason is never good. And not knowing is worse. Like the others said if he would have had some sort of logical reason for blowing up for no reason would have been a lot better.
You're right not talking to him until he gets into some sort of therapy. No matter how much he apologizes. They all apologize and say "oh I'll never do it again." What if this is just the beginning? Are you just never going to talk to another man again? (co-worker, friend, friends s/o) What if he starts in about friends? What about family?
You're right not talking to him until he gets into some sort of therapy. No matter how much he apologizes. They all apologize and say "oh I'll never do it again." What if this is just the beginning? Are you just never going to talk to another man again? (co-worker, friend, friends s/o) What if he starts in about friends? What about family?
... don't take him back!
He went totally ballistic just because you were talking to some guy... became physically violent... spat in your face... and, practically wished you dead. The way I see it, if he says that he's a "disgusting repulsive scumbag," take his word for it. He probably knows that there's a darker side to his personality that you've yet to see.
Let me put it to you this way: let's say that you take him back... are you going to not talk with someone for fear that he might have another blow up? Because, being afraid to talk... and not being able to be yourself, is no way to live!
He went totally ballistic just because you were talking to some guy... became physically violent... spat in your face... and, practically wished you dead. The way I see it, if he says that he's a "disgusting repulsive scumbag," take his word for it. He probably knows that there's a darker side to his personality that you've yet to see.
Let me put it to you this way: let's say that you take him back... are you going to not talk with someone for fear that he might have another blow up? Because, being afraid to talk... and not being able to be yourself, is no way to live!
Whatever the problem, he was suddenly, unexpectedly out of control, and that's not good. In a way, it would almost be better if he knew a reason. ("I was on drugs," or "I was off my meds" would at least tell you why it seemed such an aberration.) I sure hope he's not just some wild narcissist who likes to manipulate people and he really does know the reason.
I guess in your shoes, I would go with him to the therapist the first time, say what happened, say to him with the therapist there how you felt, and then let him and the therapist discuss stuff without you there (in the event he wants to tell the shrink something he doesn't want you to hear). I'm not even that certain I would give a guy who does what he did a second chance, but if he really will go for help to a professional, and does keep going, and will tell you what is going on and what he's learning, then ... maybe.
Just my opinion.
I guess in your shoes, I would go with him to the therapist the first time, say what happened, say to him with the therapist there how you felt, and then let him and the therapist discuss stuff without you there (in the event he wants to tell the shrink something he doesn't want you to hear). I'm not even that certain I would give a guy who does what he did a second chance, but if he really will go for help to a professional, and does keep going, and will tell you what is going on and what he's learning, then ... maybe.
Just my opinion.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Well, you are young and this is probably your first "real" relationship. We date in order to learn what we need to know about someone to judge whether the relationship should move forward or not. Obviously, this would be concerning. To spit on someone is a hostile act of huge proportions. Obviously grabbing and shoving are not good but I always listen to how someone phrases things because moving someone along will be called pushing at times and it wasn't meant to be as forceful an act as it came off. Punching has no grey area, but at times grabbing and pushing do. But he clearly lost it and I would question that.
Why? Why now? Are you having issues currently? Is something going on? What would cause him to react in such an extrememe way? You say this is out of character------ so I'm just trying to understand where it came from. Is he controlling or manipulative with you generally?
When you say a public setting------- where were you and who saw?
Would I tie my life to someone that was hostile enough to spit at me? Probably not. I'm into safety and would pick a guy that I trust to control himself. But . . . I would prefer you go ahead and focus on things in your life above and beyond this relationship anyway. At 18 you should be discovering who you are as an adult, getting your education for future career, and having fun.
Remember, love does not hurt no matter what anyone tells you. People are sorry after they lose control . . . but they lost control. Can you trust it won't happen again? That is your question to figure out.
good luck
Why? Why now? Are you having issues currently? Is something going on? What would cause him to react in such an extrememe way? You say this is out of character------ so I'm just trying to understand where it came from. Is he controlling or manipulative with you generally?
When you say a public setting------- where were you and who saw?
Would I tie my life to someone that was hostile enough to spit at me? Probably not. I'm into safety and would pick a guy that I trust to control himself. But . . . I would prefer you go ahead and focus on things in your life above and beyond this relationship anyway. At 18 you should be discovering who you are as an adult, getting your education for future career, and having fun.
Remember, love does not hurt no matter what anyone tells you. People are sorry after they lose control . . . but they lost control. Can you trust it won't happen again? That is your question to figure out.
good luck
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