Husband always inviting me when I am not wanted there

[xmelax35]

My title is probably a little confusing as this will be too.  I am not feeling well at all anyway.  I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have been married for about 3 years (almost). He has children from his previous marriage and I have a child of my own from a previous relationship.  His children are out of school and graduated.  My son and his father's relationship is a whole other story (I've had restraining orders on him, as he is a danger to us).

Anyway, I have known my step kids since they were little (one was 8 and the other was around 14 or so). I love them with all my heart and I have done things for them and always been good to them.  I know I am the step-mom and I don't count when it comes to anything, as they never asked for me to join their family (I've read articles). I always feel left out on everything - their talks with their dad and so much more.  I've always wanted to have a bond with them but I know that is not allowed because they do have a real mother and that is not right that I would want a bond.

Well, I will get to the point. When his daughter is inviting him out to lunch or dinner (she is paying) for father's day or his birthday, she is not asking me along. Well, my husband invites me along anyway. I feel like I am intruding! I have seen the texts and heard the conversations when he is invited out. It never mentions me. He always says, "you are invited, they don't have to say you are, you should know you are". There have been times when I would show up with him because he wouldn't quit about me going & they would look at me like, okayyyy what is she doing here. They would not be happy about it. He says I am paranoid and wrong, but I am not. I know it was supposed to be "their time".

Well he was invited for father's day (which dinner will be a different day other than today). Once again, he invited me along. Am I wrong to think he is wrong in inviting me? He will always be invited to things for my son because he is the only day my son has known. I am not the only mom that his kids have known. They have a mom. I want to be involved, but I just don't feel right barging in on things I am not invited to.  If I say I am not going my husband gets on my case and yells at me saying that I am wrong and that I am basically a jerk.

What should I do?

[nursegirl6572]

Oh wow...how mean and unkind, and rude.  You don't deserve that.  I too wish there was a way to make your husband "hear" you.  Maybe it's time to take a tougher approach?  Just wish I had something to tell you to try, that's a shame.  If he's not respecting you and treating you in a way where he's putting you down or dismissing you all of the time....and he won't listen to reason that it's a real issue for you, you may need to think about a separation or something.  That's just too bad.  I really hope you make some progess.  A spouse is supposed to be supportive and always there for their partner.  You deserve that.

[specialmom]

Ugh, your husband sure doesn't sound very sensitive to you.  I'm sorry, that is hard.  Wish I knew how to make him kinder to you and to try to 'hear' you.  peace

[xmelax35]

Thank you everyone for your input! I have not been feeling well the last week and I haven't been on here a lot.  I do appreciate it and it makes a lot of sense what you said.  I will take that advice and use it.

I am by far not jealous of their together time and he thinks I am, when I say for him to go by himself with them at times.  One time I brought up about a few times when they were here or at his parents for a gathering and how when I would say something I saw him and his kids rolling their eyes and making a face (both him and them). I was not paranoid, but it happened more than 2 times. He says I am crazy, but I could see it with my own face.  I have a brain issue (my brain surgeries made my concentration and such worse, it sometimes takes me a minute to get something out). Well anyway, I decided to not really talk much when around everyone, because I didn't want to look stupid to them. So now he thinks that I am being rude. I just can't win with him.

[Life360_Dave]

Thanks and glad you found some value to the "what have you done lately".
I use it all the time because the answer given will be "NOTHING".
It is a great play field leveler.

[nursegirl6572]

I second SM.  I think there is no reason you can't have your own bond with his kids.  They are grown adults...so there is a lot you can do to foster some common interests and grow that into them WANTING to spend time with you.

I also agree that one on one time with their dad is important too.  A little bit of both should be fine....letting them have their special days (like Father's Day would be a good example), and then you go along other times.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Your husband probably feels a little stuck in the middle.  He's probably a little embarrassed about how his children act toward you (and how they kind of exclude you at times), which COULD explain why he's a bit forceful about you going.  He may be trying to get them to be more accepting, and you're his spouse, so he probably feels protective of your feelings.

I think you just need to tell him that you're OK with sitting some of the get togethers out.  Explain that you'd like to go some of the time, and skip other times.  If he continues to be dismissive, you may have to lay it on the line, that you're trying to be considerate of the kids' feelings and that he needs to be more supportive of what you're trying to accomplish.

Just don't put yourself down so much.  While you're correct that a step parent isn't to replace the parent, they certainly can play very important roles...don't sell yourself short there.  These are grown adults, and you've been around in their lives for a long time.  Hopefully they will be receptive to a conversation with you about what you'd like to see happen.  

Maybe it's just that that open frank convo has never happened, so no one really knows the BEST way to proceed.  Simply tell them what you told us, for the most part....that you WOULD like to bond with them, and spend some time with them, as their step-mom.  Acknowledge that you know they have a Mom, you're not trying to replace her, but rather be another family member in their lives...and that you would enjoy participating in family gatherings, but also respect the one on one time that's important to them.  That's pretty honest, and very reasonable.  Unless they are very difficult and have a huge territorial complex about their dad, they should be receptive.  It may take some time to adjust, so just be patient.

Communication is key...with everyone in this situation.

Best to you.

[specialmom]

I like it.  Next time my husband is not being Mr. Wonderful----  I am definitely going to ask him that question.  It's a conversation stopper (the rude one) and starter (if he takes the question to heart!).  

It's complicated when kids are grown---  a bit more so than when they are little and you are caring for them physically.  In this case, I do think you can be friendly with them and have a relationship even if it isn't a parent/adult child kind of relationship.  

Lots of luck to you!

[Life360_Dave]

Hi there. Im with you in your thinking that you dont feel wanted by his kids and the vibs your picking up from them are most likely real, that they would prefer you not be there.
Just tell your husband you dont feel comfortable and also feel its a time for them and its really not about you.
On a side note, when he calls you a jerk tell him that its not nice to call someone names who trying to make things right for all concerned. And if he calls you it again anyway, ask him what great thing has he done to change the world lately?

[BluCrystal]

Take a different approach.  Create a relationship with his kids that is friendly, not parental.  Invite them to play a game with you, go to the park with you, stuff like that.  You can even invite them along to go grocery shopping and run errands, saying you would enjoy their company.  Talk about stuff that interests them, no really serious subjects.  Make it clear from the beginning of this that you know you are not their mother, and that you would never try to replace her.  Tell them that you love their Dad, and that you like THEM, too.  Let them know you just want to get to know them better, and spend a bit of time with them, with and without their Dad.  Do not be forceful.  Respect it with grace if and when they say no, or don't want to do a particular thing with you.  And communicate privately with their Dad what you are attempting to do, so he is not 'out of the loop'.  The thing is that even though you are actually an authority figure as far as keeping these children safe, fed, etc, you cannot use that authority until it is really warranted.  Example: "Can I go out with my friends?" "I have to tell you no unless your Dad says yes." "Why?" "Because if I let you go and something bad happens to you, I would feel awful."  AND "My friends let me use cuss words." "I do not like to hear cuss words or use them.  I expect you to respect that."  AND "I don't want this for dinner." "Okay, don't eat it.  You may make your own dinner."  AND "I am going for a walk/bike ride." "Let me remind you of your boundaries, and don't forget your watch because I would like you back here in 30 minutes." "You're not my mom!" "You are right, I am not your mom, but I am expected to keep you safe and cared for.  That is what I am doing.  If you disagree, I will keep you at home until we can discuss this with your Dad."  AND "Can I call my mom and ask her?"  "Sure.  She is your mother.  Please let me speak with her before you hang up."  I'm sure you see my point now.  If I can be of any more help, feel free to message me.  Blessings to you and your family - Blu

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I commend you on being so sensitive to your step kids.  I will tell you that I had a step mother and want to share with you that while it isn't the same kind of bond that one has with their mother, there still can be a special bond with a step mother.  Reaching out adult to adult as someone who cares about them is perfectly fine and while they are at those ages in which parents, step parents, etc. come secondary to what else is going on in their life, eventually, they will/should come to appreciate you.  We can never have too many people love us!  

Now, on the issue of lunch with their dad.  I will tell you that my dad made a grave mistake by never spending one on one time with me away from his new spouse.  It has nothing to do with her that I wanted to spend this time with my dad but rather that I wanted to nurture the relationship with my dad and to feel like I was worthy spending time with all on my own.  I kind of resented my dad that he didn't do this.  I think it is good for all parents--  bio or step to do things individually with their kids while growing up and when grown.  It just sends a powerful message that someone cares enough to spend that quality one on one time with their loved one.  

And I would also like to comment that your husband shouldn't be yelling at you saying you are being a jerk when you are actually trying to be sensitive is unfair and flat out wrong.  HE is being a jerk at that point.  Seriously insensitive to YOU and HIS KIDS.  My  guess is that he is uncomfortable with his child which is sad.  He needs you along as a security blanket again which is sad.

I'd not say "they don't want me to go" but rather "oh, I can't.  I have X to do."  And then add "let's invite her over in a couple of weeks to our house to have dinner with both of us!  I'll cook!"

good luck