Am i in a slump or is my heart telling me something?

[girl012]

Ok.. i have been feeling really depressed the last week cause i am so confused as to what i want so here is my situation and i hope someone can give me some helpful advice.

I have a boyfriend now of 7 years - we met when i was 21, in the first 6 months we were spending time together and it was great, not long after we both moved to different cities for work (remaining together of course) and it was really hard to be apart, then he moved to the city where i was working but took a job which required shift work for the following 5 years - we still were not living together at this stage - his shift work resulted in me only seeing him once or twice a week and most of my weekend social activities being separate as he was working, i might note that often he was tired as well when i saw him. I welcomed to independence to a certain extent as i know i became a much more confident person as a result of it. But then we moved overseas (which i had to in a way push him to leave his job to do this) ... i then had the opposite situation, we were together 24/7 and i had no independence, i have struggled to make friends and he has had work problems. So in the end i feel lonely, desperate and also that i am a bit like the man. And this situation has put considerable stress on our relationship.

Good things about our relationship are: i think he is my best friend, he is very emotionally supportive, warm, giving, i feel like i can always be myself and tell him anything, we laugh (sometimes more than others), he calms me and he trusts me.

The things that have bothered me about our relationship are: he is not overly motivated (i am extremely motivated) so sometimes i feel like i have to push him to do things all the time, our sex life doesnt exist (maybe 1 or 2 times a months) and it has been like this along time, easily said than that i am not so passionate about sex with him (he still is with me though).

So if i would sum it all up i from my perspective i feel like we could be happily together forever - i mean we communicate and many parts of the relationship are great. But i feel sometimes like i am missing that connection. I am not stupid and i know that the spark fades in time but i still want a little spark - as i am after all only 27.

To confuse the situation more, in my lonely situation in a foreign country, i became friends with a guy (probably 6 months now) and he also has a girlfriend and we just really connected... i consider myself rather strict with myself about morals and nothing happened between us. But then on the weekend it became clear that he really likes me and i feel the same to him. I have told him we need space to figure out out relationships cause it is not fair to our partners or to ourselves. I am trying to keep him out of the picture while i make this decision - as i have no idea if we would actually work as a couple simply for the reason that i will want to move back to my land eventually.

So... does anyone have any thoughts on how i could become more clear about what i want?

[teko]

I was with my man for years before we married. looking back at it all, living together was a better arrangement. I dont care how long you were in a relationship together, marriage changes things and not always for the better. We were both older and finally got married due to the financial aspect of things. I think this poster would be feeling exactly the same marriage or no. Only difference is, she will not have to go thru an ugly divorce to put an end to it all. If that is what she decides to do.

But generally, I agree with Judy. 7 years is a long time to not take it to the next level in most relationships. There are always exceptions to the rule tho, not many.

[Ashelen]

I don't think that's always true, Judy. some people NEVER get married and yet stay together..my husband's uncle and aunt stayed together 30 years before getting married...raised 2 children together...it just wasn't the important thing in their life, and they stayed faithful and lived together all those years. Some people don't put marriage as the highest priority, but rather fidelity and stability. I personally couldn't stand the long engagement and my husband and I got married after a few years of being engaged, but I know it's possible to be together for years without being married :).

[Judy246]

Sorry, I disagree that after 7 yrs. no type of higher level committment. Then it's just a dead end going nowhere relationship. Not really exclusive or future commitment on his part...that's a red flag right there and times change, people change and you both can be lead to temptations out there, because there is no "take it to the next level" committment 7 yrs. is enought time to save for at least a ring.

[girl012]

Thanks everyone for their comments i really appreciate it.

I dont particularly agree that my partner should have given me a ring by now. I mean we had the choice to get married or coming overseas for afew years (both requiring money) and we chose the later... the plan was always to get engaged when we were going back home.

And i completely agree with this other guy being off limits. it has been hard but i have made it clear that we will have no further contact at this point in time.

That said i feeling better in myself but still not sure what i want. The only way i can describe my feelings right now is that i really feel like i want to be completely alone - try and manage living in a foreign country and its challenges by myself... and really feel and figure what i want for my life.

Like i said - i love my partner that i know - but im not sure if i can get the spark back - i mean he seems to feel that everything is good with us - sure he would prefer a bit more sex - but he is not even that worried about that - so therefore i am foreseeing that i will be doing all the work for this and i really need him to be trying a bit harder as well. We have spoken about all these aspects in different ways... so i think our communication is pretty good.

Hmm...

[Judy246]

A7 yr. relationship is signifiant and he should of at least given you an engagement ring by now as a sign of exclusivity, comittment and growth in the relationship. In other words by now the relationship should be in a higher level.

living in seperate cities results in weakening of the relationship, because you neither see each other nor spend time together.  As for this other guy, he has a girlfriend and you have a long term relationship, so he is off limits. "Lead us not into temptations"...you feel tempted out of loneliness and sometimes we make decision that we regret. The grass may not be greener on the otherside and you will eventually come back home. To me someone that is unfaithful is dishonest, opportunist, selfish, inconsiderate, hurtful, disrespectful to partner and relationship and it's just wrong.

If you want a relationship with this guy, then do the right thing and leave your current b/f, but remember that you both invested 7 years of your life and that meant something. If there are problems in the relationship, communication is key and if you want more intimacy, then it needs to be addressed, but never hurt the one you love, because the one who just might turn out to be all alone, might be you. Proceed with caution...Judy

[teko]

If the two of you do not have the same life goals, you will grow independantly of each other in time. You have to have the connection to begin with and you will either grow closer with each other in time or you will go your separate ways emotionally. I do not think you will be happy staying with him and to bring another party into it at this time would ruin that ones success as well. Follow your heart, put yourself and your needs first, and base your decision on that. Not how fair it is or is not to these two guys. You are responsible for your happiness, not theirs.

[Ashelen]

The best advice I can give is what I heard some author say about his 45-year marriage... "if you fell in love once, you can fall in love again. even if all you do is share a house and sleep in separate rooms for a year, you will find that spark again if you wait long enough. two people who fell in love once have something deep inside that makes them compatible, and patience and time will bring that spark back. you have to be willing to wait, and try, and you will fall in love again." and he talked about how he and his wife fell out of love after 8 years of marriage and he slept on the couch for 10 months...he said that one day they just started laughing, and it was like they were back to being newly in love again...

i know this sounds very idealistic and ridiculous, but i can tell you from experience that it works. my husband and i have been together 7 1/2years, and we met when I was 17. the spark died...but we had a daughter together and ending it was not an option. the spark DID come back, but you can't look at it like "i'm young and i'm wasting my life with this person." you have to look at it this way "i'm young and I have a life of love ahead of me with this person if I work hard enough..". love takes immense amounts of effort and it does not easily flow...it ebbs and flows like a tide, and when it ebbs you have to wade out farther and make yourself vulnerable until it begins to flow again, which it will given enough patience, understanding, and time.

i dunno if any of that helps, but I hope you figure things out.

[mami1323]

This often happens in relationships that start off when two people are too young. You both have grown in different directions and that is ok but I would be very careful with jumping into a relationship with this other guy. Rebound relationships rarely work and especially ones that begin when the people are involved with other relationships already. I would also be wary because of course this new guy seems perfect and it feels right and that's because it is new. That fades as you know already. You may be losing a great guy for someone whose not really worth it. Seven years is a lot to throw away. If I were you I would make sure I hade tried my hardest with my current boyfriend. I would communicate all my feelings to him and try to get the heat back and if that fails then I would atleast know that I tried.

[jo929]

you are 27 not married to him, and you have been with him 7 years and do not know what you want will you spend 7 more and then one of you walk off a relationship is not marriage, and i have a feeling you know what you want to do or you would not have posted it does not sound like either of you are really getting to much out of this relationship and now you meet a guy this always happens in arelationship one or the other meets a new guy and they think the grass is greener over there i feel if you loved the guy you are with you would be married by now, so you might as well end it and get it over with , but i can tell you the grass is not greener anywhere else  luck  jo