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Anger problem or verbal abuse?
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Anger problem or verbal abuse?

Hey I'm Lizz,
I've recently been overthinking the way my 2 1/2 year relationship is going. I'll try not to go into too much detail...hmmm where to start? When we first met, he was of course amazing! I felt like I finally met someone who can love me for who I am (spoiled with a stressful past). He understood me and it felt great! (I'm not sure why I'm talking in the past tense because I still feel this way.) Anyway, we became committed pretty quick...I noticed a few times (okay, maybe more than a few times) during the first year that he had some anger issues. I noticed he had a short temper toward people when things went wrong. It wasn't toward me, (except maybe twice during the first year that I can honestly remember) so I guess I just didn't really pay it any attention. I mean those two times were just like our first fight to me. In 2007 things started getting stressful and I noticed he would lash out at me over the smallest things. "Where the **** did you put the phone, you sure as hell better find it!!!" Hurry up, you're so slow, you can't ever move fast for anything!!!" "You bought more lotion?! See, that's why we can't ever save money because all you do is spend it as soon as you get it!!!" Whenever he gets mad at me it doesn't matter who's around or where we are he will yell his fustrations out until he feels better. We can be at the store, at the movies, on a trip (where everything is supposed to be relaxing), at family gatherings where no one can hear him of course, in front of his dad but never in front of his mom or my parents...well I guess I'm getting carried away, I'm sure you get the picture by now. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly and I know he loves me because I feel it whenever I'm around him (when he's not mad of course). He is very affectionate and that's something I value a lot. It's this weird thing with him though, he'll get mad and then 1 minute later he'll be all normal again and apologizes if he notices I'm upset. If I try to bring up the issue we don't really resolve anything because he just always wants to be right. Sometimes, he'll give me credit and really actually admit to being wrong but that happens rarely. I usually just don't feel like going through all of that. I just accept the apology and go on. That sounds terrible I know. It's not like he ever hit me or anything. I feel confident that he never will. I'm definately not scared of him at all. I'm noticing some disturbing behavior on my par though. I'm typically the average sweet girl who never gets mad and everyone loves. Lately I've been having anger outbursts. I notice myself blowing up at him for small things just like he does at me, it's not as often as he does but I guess it's enough. It scares me because if he has an anger problem then I must have one now too. I never yelled or cursed anyone out before until our relationship. I guess I just get so fed up and stressed out I take it out on him like he takes it out on me. Of course, I'm not as harsh...and when I do he always has something smart to say like..."Oh yout think you're tough now! You better watch who the **** you're talking to!!! Are you crazy?!!" The thing is...I don't mean to snap at him it just happens, like an impulse. I wonder if that's what it's like for him. I usually get mad and snap at him when he messes with me when he knows I'm trying to watch TV or when he won't listen to me. Just normal stuff...I really don't want to turn into a yeller though. I know it's not healthy. We always get over our issues fast and never hold grudges but I know it can't be good to keep going in the direction we are going in. I bring up his anger issues to him and he agrees but nothing ever changes. He's always so sorry, but how can you be sorry and do the same thing over and over? Words can really hurt and sometimes you can't always ignore them. Well, anyway...I honestly feel like we both have problems we need to work on. I'm just wondering how to go about solving them...
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469901_tn?1276567223
I understand what you are saying because I had a relationship like that.  It became a habit and I developed anger problems, too.  If you want to learn to communicate more effectively and to control the anger, I cannot recommend couples counselling enough.  If you can find someone who specializes in anger management that would be best.  You are correct, words leave bruises, too and are harder to heal.  Nobody thrives in an environment of anger and being belittled in public is humiliating.  It's not healthy.  If he will not go with you to counseling, I suggest you reevaluate your relationship with him.  Good luck!
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100019_tn?1335923317
There is another issue here.  One day you're going to "blow up" at him and he's going to beat the cr*p out of you.  He's giving you the warning signs right now and you're ignoring them.

Yes, I understand about thinking you're in love with someone.  but you cannot really be in love with someone that treats you the way he is treating you.  You're in love with the false image he gave you at the beginning.  You're in love with the man you WANT him to be.  You're blinding yourself to the man he really is.  

Your first clues were how he treats other people when he gets mad at them.  He is in the beginning of his abusive tirade against you.  Look up online for questions to ask yourself to see if your boyfriend is abusive.  I think you'll probably answer yes to more than 10.

Think long and hard about whether you want to continue down this road.

Good luck.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Lizz,  your statement that you are "spoiled with a stressful past" says it all,  that you need to find someone who "understands" you.

For some reason, I sense you feel kind of damaged and like you can't get a normal guy.

Ditch this loser.  Take a couple years to work on yourself so that you don't feel like a "fixer upper" in need of a guy who can "understand" you,  and then seek another healthier relationship.

Best wishes.  You won't believe how good you'll feel when he's gone.
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Thank you everyone for your suggestions and opinions! It's interesting to see someone else's perspective of the situation. I can't bring myself to tell any of my friends or family about this little issue so it feels great to get it off of my chest. I guess I have a lot to think about. We both want this relationship to work, we've talked about this anger issue so much...time to take action. I like the suggestion about couples counseling...I know I can get him to agree on it, but it's scary to think about what issues can come up. Well, thanks again!
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484465_tn?1347117312
he does sound like he needs help for his temper tantrums.  and w/ you being there after he started in on you, he takes it that you accept him and his ways.  

if you had left him the first time he yelled at you, i cant say that he would have just changed completely and immediately, but he probably would have sought help for his problems right away.  men hate rejection and will "fix" themselves if they don't feel they're popular w/ the ladies.

and w/ you lashing out now, it's natural that two become one.  you're taking on some of his behavior and mannerisms.  it happens.  counseling is a good suggestion.  good luck w/ it
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Avatar_f_tn
walt disney has brain washed us belive that love is enough..however, no amount of love is going to fix your crappy relationship.

Good ay
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