Aa
Any advice? Baby involved.
I am the mother of a beautiful 10 month old baby. The father of my baby is my boyfriend. He is a wonderful man, but I don't love him the way I should or the way he deserves to be loved, and I don't know what to do.
When I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend and I had been broken up for several weeks. We decided to try and make things work and we have been living together since before our baby was born. He is a great dad, and he is so helpful to me. Although we get along, it is like we are roommates, and that is my fault. I do not want to have sex with him. I don't see him as a romantic partner anymore, and to be honest, I never really did. (There are many reasons why I do not find him attractive; too many to get into in this post) I love my boyfriend, because he is such a great guy; nice, loyal, compassionate. I have never been unfaithful to him; I would NEVER do that to him. But I have known since before our daughter was conceived that I didn't love him the way he loves me. I kept trying to make it work, thinking that his wonderful qualities should take precedence over the physical attraction.
He knows how I feel, and he doesn't want to be with me if I feel this way, which I totally understand. But I can't help but think maybe we can change it,not only for us but most importantly for our baby. Can we make it work for her? Can I find a way to be attracted to him? I hate to think that I will lose the only person who has ever loved me just because i don't find him attractive. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you.
When I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend and I had been broken up for several weeks. We decided to try and make things work and we have been living together since before our baby was born. He is a great dad, and he is so helpful to me. Although we get along, it is like we are roommates, and that is my fault. I do not want to have sex with him. I don't see him as a romantic partner anymore, and to be honest, I never really did. (There are many reasons why I do not find him attractive; too many to get into in this post) I love my boyfriend, because he is such a great guy; nice, loyal, compassionate. I have never been unfaithful to him; I would NEVER do that to him. But I have known since before our daughter was conceived that I didn't love him the way he loves me. I kept trying to make it work, thinking that his wonderful qualities should take precedence over the physical attraction.
He knows how I feel, and he doesn't want to be with me if I feel this way, which I totally understand. But I can't help but think maybe we can change it,not only for us but most importantly for our baby. Can we make it work for her? Can I find a way to be attracted to him? I hate to think that I will lose the only person who has ever loved me just because i don't find him attractive. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you.
Kris123:
Yes, that is excellent advice. You're right; I should have included a suggestion for that "trial separation" to help determine just what you said...WHICH feels "most" right, especially since there is a baby involved.
I have a feeling, though, that she will think through the steps to take very carefully and likely do just as you suggested. :)
Yes, that is excellent advice. You're right; I should have included a suggestion for that "trial separation" to help determine just what you said...WHICH feels "most" right, especially since there is a baby involved.
I have a feeling, though, that she will think through the steps to take very carefully and likely do just as you suggested. :)
Sorry you Daughter. BTW, I raised my daughter on my own and did fine. I think you will be ok. I will pray you make the right move.
Be careful in always following your feelings. Sometimes they can lie to you. You may feel like you don't love him, but you may. I would take time away from him and see what happens. Don't just up and leave and give it no chance. I was just like you to. The other poster didn't have a child, it is different. She is right that you should not stay just because of the child. It would be wrong. Time, talk to your BF about what you are feeling. Spend time apart and if you realize he is not right for you, then be by yourself. Just remember if every married couple left when they had time of not loving the other, then there would be a lot more divorce couples. It is up to you to make the right choice for you. The baby is most important, make sure he has a good life, with you or with the both of you. Good luck :-)
Graceel, you sound so much like me ten years ago it's spooky!
I had forgotten to mention, regarding the child, if this man really is as wonderful as you claim, then he WILL remain a healthy fatherly presence for your daughter and that's all that matters first and foremost. And again, I will argue anyone who claims staying miserable together for the sake of the child is the best thing to do, because I DO know from experience AS that child. That caused far more dysfunction in my thinking in staying with someone I didn't truly love than if I just saw a parental role model willing to end an unhappy relationship. And I can't even get into the overwhelming sense of guilt and obligation I was raised with as a result of that sense of excessive sacrifice on the part of my mother. And to clarify, they HAVE stayed together, but are very, very understanding and supportive of the fact that they DIDN'T have the ultimate relationship over the years and do NOT wear the so-called "survival" of their marriage as a weird badge of honor like so many bitter old married couples do (and you will come across many who are angry at your decision based on THEIR OWN jealousy that you had to courage to break free.) Remember, again, you must not stay with someone and lived every minute of your days unsettled and unhappy just to make some random stranger you've never met (or even a friend!) happy. They are angry that you don't want your boyfriend/husband as a commodity, an object who passes all the criteria of a good man. Remember I mentioned the man I met whom I thought was "the one" yet he didn't feel it for me? Well, I'm GLAD he didn't pursue the relationship with me, because I know I don't want to be "loved" because I pass the criteria of a "good woman." I want the man to love ME, NOT what I "represent."
But I do have to warn you...if you're as much like I was as I'm thinking...despite your lack of true love for him, it WILL be difficult to break from him. I'm willing to bet that you feel very attached, maybe even dependent on his emotional support. During my "we must survive despite my unhappiness" period I was horrified at the thought of a life without his support, even though deep down I knew I didn't really want him (and he knew too; I always stayed honest with him and like you I would NEVER cheat because that would have be so hurtful and wrong to him.) But I finally made the break, and it was without question the worst several months of my emotional life, but slowly, and surely, I realized that my life did NOT end without him and I grew much more self-assured and confident and happy WITHOUT using him as a "crutch" anymore. And I can't even get into the value of FINALLY being FREE of the conflicting emotions within myself of being with someone I didn't truly love but strongly "liked."
Again, yes, there is pain at those memories. But the only thing I was every 100% sure of was that I had absolutely no regret at making what was the right decision for me and us. The people who don't understand are the ones who can't comprehend that "wrong" feeling that one lives with, day in and day out. They think, "hey you get along and don't fight, what's the problem?" or "I can't stand my husband sometimes either but we work it out!" but they have NO CLUE of the complexity of the emotions you or I are talking about because they DON'T feel that NEED, yes NEED, to free yourself from this mismatched situation. It nags, I know. Oh, how I know!
I had forgotten to mention, regarding the child, if this man really is as wonderful as you claim, then he WILL remain a healthy fatherly presence for your daughter and that's all that matters first and foremost. And again, I will argue anyone who claims staying miserable together for the sake of the child is the best thing to do, because I DO know from experience AS that child. That caused far more dysfunction in my thinking in staying with someone I didn't truly love than if I just saw a parental role model willing to end an unhappy relationship. And I can't even get into the overwhelming sense of guilt and obligation I was raised with as a result of that sense of excessive sacrifice on the part of my mother. And to clarify, they HAVE stayed together, but are very, very understanding and supportive of the fact that they DIDN'T have the ultimate relationship over the years and do NOT wear the so-called "survival" of their marriage as a weird badge of honor like so many bitter old married couples do (and you will come across many who are angry at your decision based on THEIR OWN jealousy that you had to courage to break free.) Remember, again, you must not stay with someone and lived every minute of your days unsettled and unhappy just to make some random stranger you've never met (or even a friend!) happy. They are angry that you don't want your boyfriend/husband as a commodity, an object who passes all the criteria of a good man. Remember I mentioned the man I met whom I thought was "the one" yet he didn't feel it for me? Well, I'm GLAD he didn't pursue the relationship with me, because I know I don't want to be "loved" because I pass the criteria of a "good woman." I want the man to love ME, NOT what I "represent."
But I do have to warn you...if you're as much like I was as I'm thinking...despite your lack of true love for him, it WILL be difficult to break from him. I'm willing to bet that you feel very attached, maybe even dependent on his emotional support. During my "we must survive despite my unhappiness" period I was horrified at the thought of a life without his support, even though deep down I knew I didn't really want him (and he knew too; I always stayed honest with him and like you I would NEVER cheat because that would have be so hurtful and wrong to him.) But I finally made the break, and it was without question the worst several months of my emotional life, but slowly, and surely, I realized that my life did NOT end without him and I grew much more self-assured and confident and happy WITHOUT using him as a "crutch" anymore. And I can't even get into the value of FINALLY being FREE of the conflicting emotions within myself of being with someone I didn't truly love but strongly "liked."
Again, yes, there is pain at those memories. But the only thing I was every 100% sure of was that I had absolutely no regret at making what was the right decision for me and us. The people who don't understand are the ones who can't comprehend that "wrong" feeling that one lives with, day in and day out. They think, "hey you get along and don't fight, what's the problem?" or "I can't stand my husband sometimes either but we work it out!" but they have NO CLUE of the complexity of the emotions you or I are talking about because they DON'T feel that NEED, yes NEED, to free yourself from this mismatched situation. It nags, I know. Oh, how I know!
I have been there! I was with a wonderful guy for six years, trying to force myself to feel the attracting passion everyone said I was crazy for not feeling. But you know what? In the end it's YOU that has to lay next to him at night, NOT THEM, and when you reach that point when it hits you like a brick slab that you will be laying next to someone you don't truly love every night for the rest of your ONE shot at life, then you will know it really is time to end the relationship.
I didn't end up with a baby, but I could have. To the person who questioned that as being proof there was ONCE attraction there...um, NO! A woman can force her way through the motions trying to stir up some feelings inside herself, and the act can be completed for HIM many times in the process, but that doesn't mean she did experience those feelings too.
But here's another thing...two others have mentioned regretting letting a nice guy go...well, it's been eight years, I'm still single, but you know what? I've NEVER regretted it. I regret the pain and confusion of that period of my life, but in the end we both decided that there obviously wasn't the correct balance of chemistry there. And that's okay! You don't HAVE to commit your entire future to every "nice guy" out there. And you know what, there ARE a lot of them...in fact, I have many "nice guy" male friends. Should I demand lifetime romantic commitment beyond our friendship from all of them because they are "nice guys"? I am much happier being free to find the right mix of feelings for the "right" person...I even thought I did find him once since but he, in turn, didn't have the right feelings for me yet I'm a "nice person" too! So, he's free to find what's right for him, just as I still am.
Of course, in your case, there's a child involved. But that's okay. Better for your child to see that it's okay to find what is right for yourself then remain in an unhappy relationship. A child can grow up feeling guilt that mom sacrificed her romantic happiness for that child. Believe me, that's not a guess...THAT I know from experience. In fact, one of the reasons I was in that relationship for so long was because my own mother had remained in a "no chemistry but nice guy" marriage for decades for the sake of the children, and I saw how unhappy that made her and I actually believed I didn't deserve MORE happiness than her, so I stayed as well. But finally, my nagging feelings won out, and I'm free. And you know what? She respects that and is relieved that I didn't stay on the same road she did.
Just keep all that in mind.
I didn't end up with a baby, but I could have. To the person who questioned that as being proof there was ONCE attraction there...um, NO! A woman can force her way through the motions trying to stir up some feelings inside herself, and the act can be completed for HIM many times in the process, but that doesn't mean she did experience those feelings too.
But here's another thing...two others have mentioned regretting letting a nice guy go...well, it's been eight years, I'm still single, but you know what? I've NEVER regretted it. I regret the pain and confusion of that period of my life, but in the end we both decided that there obviously wasn't the correct balance of chemistry there. And that's okay! You don't HAVE to commit your entire future to every "nice guy" out there. And you know what, there ARE a lot of them...in fact, I have many "nice guy" male friends. Should I demand lifetime romantic commitment beyond our friendship from all of them because they are "nice guys"? I am much happier being free to find the right mix of feelings for the "right" person...I even thought I did find him once since but he, in turn, didn't have the right feelings for me yet I'm a "nice person" too! So, he's free to find what's right for him, just as I still am.
Of course, in your case, there's a child involved. But that's okay. Better for your child to see that it's okay to find what is right for yourself then remain in an unhappy relationship. A child can grow up feeling guilt that mom sacrificed her romantic happiness for that child. Believe me, that's not a guess...THAT I know from experience. In fact, one of the reasons I was in that relationship for so long was because my own mother had remained in a "no chemistry but nice guy" marriage for decades for the sake of the children, and I saw how unhappy that made her and I actually believed I didn't deserve MORE happiness than her, so I stayed as well. But finally, my nagging feelings won out, and I'm free. And you know what? She respects that and is relieved that I didn't stay on the same road she did.
Just keep all that in mind.
Thank you so much for your post! I've realized that it's the posts saying it will be OK to end this relationship that are the ones making me feel so much better. And you are right; even though we obviously had sex because we have a child, it does not mean the chemistry was ever there. I did it because it's what you do when you are in a relationship, and because I cared about him, I wanted to make him happy. I wanted it to work so badly.
Maybe I won't ever find someone as "nice" as him again, or who loves me as much as he does. But he deserves to find someone who truly loves him, in all ways, because that is what he wants. I can't give that to him.
Maybe I won't ever find someone as "nice" as him again, or who loves me as much as he does. But he deserves to find someone who truly loves him, in all ways, because that is what he wants. I can't give that to him.
I have to admit I was a little hurt when you called me mean. That is the last thing I want to be, especially towards my boyfriend. I really don't treat him "meanly." Besides the lack of sex part, I am very good to him. We both work hard to support our daughter, and I do a lot of nice things for him.
I can't help the way I feel. I have tried not to feel this way, believe me. And I just want to clarify that there are no other men in the picture. I would never, ever do that; IMO, that is morally wrong. It isn't about sex at all. It goes much deeper than that.
I am going to see a therapist next week. My boyfriend and I talk about this all the time, and of course we are the only people who can make a decision about our future. I just came here looking for some outside advice.
I can't help the way I feel. I have tried not to feel this way, believe me. And I just want to clarify that there are no other men in the picture. I would never, ever do that; IMO, that is morally wrong. It isn't about sex at all. It goes much deeper than that.
I am going to see a therapist next week. My boyfriend and I talk about this all the time, and of course we are the only people who can make a decision about our future. I just came here looking for some outside advice.
I want to warn you on how you feel. I also in the past had a wonderful boyfriend, one who did everything, was the best person for me. He had some issues, worked to much - but I never had to worry about anything. I got to the point where I didn't want to have sex with him anymore, etc just like you - I left him and hate myself for doing so. you don't know what you got till it is gone. Every man I have been with will never compare to him. Please be careful about just leaving you don't want to make a mistake. If you really think it is best to leave then do so.
Just from my own experiences after giving birth I know that sometimes it's hard to get "back in the swing of things" in the bedroom. Maybe our hormones get out of wack in pregnancy and child birth??? Who knows? I just know that I still don't care a lot about sex, and believe me I used to, a lot!! LOL But, since having my 2 sons, it's not that important to me. Most of the time, I can take it or leave it. My dh, on the other hand, does NOT feel that way. It's not about him or another man. I have no interest at all in any other men. Is it possible that this is what you are going through? You said there is no other guy. That you are not attracted to your BF. I'm assuming you once were, or you wouldn't have a baby, right? Is it HIM you aren't interested in, or is it SEX in general?
I disagree that you are being mean. It sounds to me that perhaps this love is the kind of love you would have for a best friend, but not a passionate, romantic love- and that is OK! :) Just because you have a child together does not mean you must. There are a few things you need to think about in terms of this relationship, and it might be best to think them thru without your daughter in the picture. She is 10 months old and he is a wonderful dad, and that is great! But that doesn't mean you must be with him. If you are not crazy about him, you should keep him in the picture for the sake of your daughter, but find someone who you are crazy about. Now, that means you must take into consideration that you will be alone and the primary supporter for you and your daughter, but lots of women do it :) You just need a good support system! If I were in your situation, I would seriously evaluate if this is the man you WANT to be married to, not who you think you SHOULD be married to. And if not, make that change today, because the longer you wait, the longer it not only hurts, but will shake up your life. :) Good luck!
Thank you, your comments made me feel better. It isn't just about the sex I'm afraid. I don't even want to cuddle with him, or kiss him. It makes me so sad because I know it hurts him that I am not affectionate. I have never really been physically attracted to him, and that has made me annoyed with him in other ways. I stayed with him because I kept thinking it would get better; that the attraction would come because he is so nice and good to me.
Oh you are so right. Nice guys come along once in a life time. I left mine and have yet to find a man as good as him. Her feelings are natural. The key word FEELINGS, you can't trust them. I miss this guy a times so bad. I wish I could go back in time. What you say is so so right. I agree with you so much. I stand behind you.
ur kinda mean...
we good guys are getting fewer now.. extinct.. but then there u go saying u are not attracted to one of our kind? men, we'd better go to mars now... lol
anyways, cheer up.. ok, so u dont find ur man attracting in bed? u dont wanna have sex>? its all natural.. at times we people get that kind of feeling..
try to relax.. spend time with other things except sex... remember... sex is important but it cant stand alone.. with sex comes love... and with love comes sex.. spend some quality time with him.. build a strong foundation.. coz when u get old and weary, i dont think u too could think of sex anymore..
what u r feeling is normal... maybe he just need to groom himself so u migth find him attractive.. or rather u need to take other guys off ur mind.. if ever there is...
remember.. good guys comes in ones life once..
the others... well, they're just oppurtunists..
his actions tells u how much u r being loved..
god bless
(",) hardcore-back
---->
we good guys are getting fewer now.. extinct.. but then there u go saying u are not attracted to one of our kind? men, we'd better go to mars now... lol
anyways, cheer up.. ok, so u dont find ur man attracting in bed? u dont wanna have sex>? its all natural.. at times we people get that kind of feeling..
try to relax.. spend time with other things except sex... remember... sex is important but it cant stand alone.. with sex comes love... and with love comes sex.. spend some quality time with him.. build a strong foundation.. coz when u get old and weary, i dont think u too could think of sex anymore..
what u r feeling is normal... maybe he just need to groom himself so u migth find him attractive.. or rather u need to take other guys off ur mind.. if ever there is...
remember.. good guys comes in ones life once..
the others... well, they're just oppurtunists..
his actions tells u how much u r being loved..
god bless
(",) hardcore-back
---->
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