Bad self image/husband fed up

[pjky]

My saint of a husband has been married to me for 22 yrs. He has probably seen me with no clothes on less than 25 times.  I can give to him sexually with no problem, but I cannot receive it.  I freeze up and can't wait to get it over with . He is a good lover if I allow him to be.  I am a plus size woman, but he does not care, he loves me as is.  How can I change?

He has expressed "looking elsewhere" for satisfaction but staying married to me.I told him I could not handle him with another woman. I don't think he would do it anyway, but I don't want to take the chance.  Any suggestions?

Thanks,
pj

[BearHitch]

I agree with the others- I would get into counselling.  I agree that you are hiding behind your size- although that can be a very legit reason to not feel sexy or want sex because you don't feel attractive.  And if that's the case, work on that too.  Anxious- I always like reading your posts, and I had to agree 100% with yours.  I don't see anything sexy in the mirror these days being pregnant, but my husband does- but your post made me smile and relate and I had to say something :)  

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Being a plus size woman is something you are hiding behind.  I think you need counselling, I am sensing that there are deeper issues, maybe some sort of abuse in your past.

I am average size, hugely pregnant at the moment, I think I look ridiculous, but my dh adores my body.  I just go with the flow, intimacy is so important in a relationship...not just sex but that physical closeness (actual intercourse is nigh impossible at the moment).  Do I look in the mirror and see a sexpot at the moment?  Nope, but I know she is in there and will reappear in a few months.  (I hope)

If your weight is truly holding you back in this way, make a plan, have a checkup, visit a nutrionist, start a program.  You can lose weight on your own, walking and portion control will take about a pound off a week.

I also think that you should have counselling together.  You are both being robbed here and I hope you can resolve this and once again find the joy of intimacy in your relationship.

[mayflowers]

Why do you feel that being a plus size woman makes you less sexy than some average or skinny size person?  I've known lots of plus size women that were very sexy.  They were interesting, funny and beautiful - YES beautiful!!!! I have to agree with Koukla on this one, it's really what you're feeling not what your husband feels.

I am not sure if this is it, but our society idolizess skinny, young actresses/models.  Ok, so there are some over 40 actresses too but they are skinny as well.  Magazines, tv, movies all promote these women as if the way the way they look is the way we are ALL supposed to look.  There are a couple of things wrong with this.  First, most of them have eating disorders.  Second, with their money they can afford to work out 5 hrs a day with a personal trainer and have a cook, maids, go to spa's, whatever.  But if you look at their lives really, you'll see that they have no personality, are selfish, used to people falling all over them, and their men cheat anyway.

I don't think your husband wants to cheat on you.  He's just trying to get you to realize what he means to you so that you start feeling better about yourself.  Ok, that's probably a poor-mans phychological  analysis of his statement, but I could be right.  He loves you.  He wants to be with you.  And I know it's easier said than done to feel good about yourself.  I have the same problem...I think we are hardest on ourselves.  I am trying to read some self help books that will make me look at myself in a kinder light.  Beating yourself up isn't good for anyone, especially YOU.  Love yourself for who you are.  I'm sure you're a pretty good person with lots of wonderful traits.  Think about those good things...not that you're overweight.  And if the weight is an issue, and you really want to lose some weight. walk a little more, eat smaller portions, but don't stress over it.  And whatever you do, don't become skinny b/c that's not a good look - I don't care what anyone says!!!

Hope I have helped a little bit.  All the best to you!

[koukla29]

I think that even though your husband says he is happy with you, you are unhappy with yourself.  Counseling may help you get to the bottom of this because I think it is more than just your weight that is bothering you.  

Can I ask you, why do you think you are unable to relax during sex?  What do you think about?  Are you worried that he may not like your body.  Why do you think that you shut down?  Do you have an abuse history?  Because it is common for people who have been sexually abused or raped to have difficulty being present and able to feel aroused by their partner during sex.  Sex becomes an ordeal instead of a lovely and wonderful experienced shared between two partners.
I think couples counseling and sex therapy might help you and your husband get through this. Best wishes

[mami1323]

Obviously this man loves you regardless of your size.  You just need to love yourself.  If it's your weight that's effecting your sex life than make the change for your relationship.  Start by trying to lose the weight.  Just like misscloey said, all it takes is getting motivated.  Start by walking a mile or two a day.  Change your diet.  I know weight watchers has worked for many.  My mom is on nutrisystem diet and has lost a ton of weight.  They send her the food, it's fast and easy.  It's a life change and the weight loss may spark your sex life.  You will start to feel good about yourself and in turn you will feel more confident.  You need to figure out what is the best thing for this relationship.  I'm sure your husband would like to get the spark back and this is probably where you need to start.

[misscloey]

Hi I have to tell you that you need to do something about this. YOU are robbing both of you of very special time together. If he does not mind your size why should you? And, if you do then do something about it. I realize that this is easier said than done, but start slowly and at least TRY. If you love your husband you owe it to him and to yourself to find some way to please him.
Eventually out of frustration he will look elsewhere, Lord knows there are LOTS of places he can do this with a little money and no problem if he so chose to do this. Then how would you feel?

Have you tried to lose weight before? Sometimes just taking a walk or doing some kind of physical activity will boost your mood and make you feel good about yourself. I myself exercise for weight loss of course, but I have to admit that I do it mostly for the high of it. It makes me feel great!!! Such a stress reliever and also it makes me feel better about myself. It will boost your body image too. Please don't throw away your husband and his needs. You need to learn to love yourself. Please let me know if I can help you with anything else. Barn Babe ....... Where are you? Please give this poor woman some of your infinite wisdom!! Best of luck!    

[PlateletGal]

I would suggest getting counseling. It sounds like there may be a couple of issues going on and you may need to do some digging to get to the bottom of these issues. Am I right ?