Is something wrong?
So here is a little about me. I am a 23 year old college graduate. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. All my life I have been a little reserved and shy. It wasn’t until my senior year in high school where I started to become more talkative. I didnt have too many friends as a child, I had a few. I moved around a lot as a kid. We have been evicted many times because we were unable to pay rent. I switched schools several times and it was hard. So anyways, the problem is now, I have friends from college. I have known them for 3 years. However, I still don’t feel too emotionally connected with them. I can’t talk to them about my deepest problems, Im scared they will think Im weird or something. I like to hang out with them, I have fun and I always like seeing them, but its like sometimes I like them and other times they are annoying and I don’t really like them. I feel that they can be too immature sometimes and I am not like that. Yes, I like to have fun and can act silly and immature at times, but with them its like they have no filter. They talk about everything, I have been raised that certain things should not be discussed in public. I think its just me though, I always find a problem, flaw in my friends and its really bothering me. I have also had this phase in college where I stole from them, it went on for maybe a year and I justified what I did and I only felt guilty and that I should confess when they knew the money was missing. They did not know that I took it. This was all in the past, and I hate that I did it, Im not even sure why I did it really. I am even embarrassed to admit to doing it on here. I did mistakes in the past, I judged people and I could be selfish. Also, everyone thinks I am so nice and stuff, but I don’t feel like that because of this. I lied before, about things I was embarrassed about or to avoid getting in trouble from my parents. I also gossiped about even my friends. I am always friendly and polite to people, because I don’t like being rude to anyone. However, I feel like Im being fake because I don’t always like everyone. I am trying to change, be less selfish and more caring and stuff. It just feels like the people I am closest to and really love are my family, even though I stole from my parents a couple of times too. I know, its horrible. Anyways, the stealing stopped now and I have also been not lying and trying to be a better friend. If my friends confide in me, I don’t tell anyone what they say. I used to tell people though, I am trying to be better now. I know with everything I said, its hard to believe that I am a good person, but I am. I just want to be better and have a true friend. Also, I am distant with guys, not in friendships. I prefer being friends with guys than girls. However, when it comes to romance, I get so scared if they come too close. I am flirty and like the attention they give me, because I do get a lot of attention from guys and I dont shy away from it, and no I dont sleep with them, I actually want to stay a virgin until marriage. It just frightens me to get romantically involved. Maybe this is because my dad used to love me as a child and then he got distant as I grew older, for no reason. We don’t talk now and its very sad because I miss him. I just feel like I can do better with my relationships. Im sick of pushing people away and doing stupid mistakes. Am I antisocial or what? I looked up the symptoms and know that they steal, lie, and don’t feel guilt or empathy. I do feel guilt and empathy though and I don’t lie to control people or get them to do what I want. I did steal, but that was for a year in college and twice in high school also twice as a toddler. I don’t feel like I am antisocial, but I want to know why I am like this. Thanks for the help.
I know this is a lot of info, but I tried to give you guys a brief recap of my life.