Aa
Boyfriend won't commit to me or baby.
I'm 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend and I have only known each other for a little over 2 months. This pregnancy was not planned, but is definitely wanted. My lease is up next month anyway, and they're raising the rent. He's currently living w/his brother b/c he recently relocated. I think we should move in together b/c it will save $. Instead of paying 2 rents, we can pay 1 and split it. Also, he says he wants to stay with me but is reluctant to move in together. But he already stays at my apt at least 4-5 days a week anyway. He says he loves me and wants to be in my and the baby's life. But I feel that he is reluctant to commit and move in together. We're going to be raising a child together. It makes no sense for us to have separate residences if we're raising a child and actively dating, does it? Help! Am I pushing too fast? I don't think so. The baby and need stability. What's so wrong with that? We're already almost living together anyway. Help! Any advice is wanted.
You are absolutely right. It takes two people to have a happy healthy relationship, married or not.
I wish you and your family the best.
I wish you and your family the best.
We have been together for over 4 years. We sound like twins. We got engaged before I was pregnant but we are just going to wait until after he is born but we will get married. I wouldn't have minded if we were married first but it certainly isn't a deciding factor. We had the plans prior to conceiving my son, things just didn't go in that order. See 15 years and weren't married before you had your child. There is always a happy ending to these types of situations. There is never the perfect way of doing things. Whatever works for the two individuals who are in the relationship. Thanks for sharing your story as well.
So sorry, I AM REALLY confused all the way down here on this thread. I meant good luck to Trisha Marie. Good luck to you too, whatever your situation is. I see your point you were making. I think that all that Rock Rose and I are saying is IDEALLY you should be married first before you have kids. That does not always happen, and certainly a piece of paper saying that you are married does not insure love,or respect or a happy home life.
I was not married before I got pregnant, I too was engaged (after a 4 year relationship) but, I was not married first. I am happy to say that we have been married 15 years and very happily too! So, I see your point and understand. In the beginning of this thread she sounded like she maybe got pregnant to "trap" this guy. I do not believe that this is the case after further reading.
Trisha - I truly wish you all the best.
I was not married before I got pregnant, I too was engaged (after a 4 year relationship) but, I was not married first. I am happy to say that we have been married 15 years and very happily too! So, I see your point and understand. In the beginning of this thread she sounded like she maybe got pregnant to "trap" this guy. I do not believe that this is the case after further reading.
Trisha - I truly wish you all the best.
You have been with him for years, or 2 months? I am so confused!
I am just going to wish you the best, and say goodbye.
I am just going to wish you the best, and say goodbye.
It's so sad that you read only what you want to read. It was more than just the dress. I'm not going to push up my wedding just because I'm pregnant. What I have to do what everyone else does? I'm my own person with my own thoughts and if I choose to wait until after my son is born to get married than so be it. It's my decision, and I truly don't care what anyone thinks. My fiance and I are loving people who love eachother and are prepared to give this child that love as well. Who gives a rats a** if we are married today, tomorrow or next year. What matters to us now more than anything is our son's happiness. How do you explain all these posters who are married and want out of their marriage? Do you think just because someone is married they live happily, ever, after? Relationships are hard no matter how you slice it.
Jim - I'm not 13 years old and pregnant, thank you very much. I'm an adult, who knows who the babies father is and have been with him for years. We are very committed and very happy. So I don't know if you were referring to me, but I don't need to go on Maury to find out who my baby's daddy is. He's not leaving me anytime soon and if he were than it wouldn't matter if we were married or not now would it?
Jim - I'm not 13 years old and pregnant, thank you very much. I'm an adult, who knows who the babies father is and have been with him for years. We are very committed and very happy. So I don't know if you were referring to me, but I don't need to go on Maury to find out who my baby's daddy is. He's not leaving me anytime soon and if he were than it wouldn't matter if we were married or not now would it?
More the norm than not? I doubt that .................
But, that damn sure don't make it right !
But, that damn sure don't make it right !
It's takes 2 to Tango...the men are being just a naive in my eyes. Sleeping with girls and they are not making sure the lady is on reliable birth control? Or these guys aren't wearing condoms for their OWN protection? They should be wearing condoms to prevent the spread of STD's too.
If people think that these issues are new and just for the current generation, they need to think again. Men & woman have been having sex and producing children outside or marriage for a long, long time. It's actually more the norm than not. In fact, in the US in the early 1900's, many people had children and then got married. We are talking like this is a new concept and it's not. And check out Sweden where 80% of the children are born out of wedlock.
If people think that these issues are new and just for the current generation, they need to think again. Men & woman have been having sex and producing children outside or marriage for a long, long time. It's actually more the norm than not. In fact, in the US in the early 1900's, many people had children and then got married. We are talking like this is a new concept and it's not. And check out Sweden where 80% of the children are born out of wedlock.
LOL ! As a person of the male persuasion, I find it absolutely unbelievable how gullible girls are today regarding love, sex, and marriage. Suppose it all stems from the women's liberation movement? Boyfriend of 2 months? Pregnant? He wants to be involved? Postponed wedding because the dress don't fit? Good grief ! Give these guys a few weeks to get their stuff together, and they'll never be seen or heard from again. Well, at least not until they show up on the Maury Povich show to get paternity tested.
And these are the people that will be running the world in 40 or 50 years.
And now, let me tell you about this bridge I have for sale in Arizona. Yep, the one with the ocean view.............
And these are the people that will be running the world in 40 or 50 years.
And now, let me tell you about this bridge I have for sale in Arizona. Yep, the one with the ocean view.............
Laura - you didn't get "lucky" and end up with a husband, and a happy marriage and a happy home. You chose this life for yourself because that's the example you grew up with, and you held yourself to that standard and held your partner to that standard. The only "luck" involved in what you did is that you lucked into parents who showed you how to do this, and you followed their example.
Best wishes.
Best wishes.
Why did you say "why should I change my wedding plans because I'm pregnant"?
What are you saying? You DID change your wedding plans because you are pregnant. And not for the better - most women will move UP their wedding plans when they find out they are pregnant, not cancel them.
I think you have no idea of the significance, and profound importance of marriage vows. All you get is, I already bought this dress and I'm going to wear it or not get married at all.
Chances are, honestly, you'll never fit in to that dress again. Even if you lose all your weight, your rib cage will have expanded out and your torso will be broader from the bone structure expansion.
Best laid plans, and all. You are trading off the real value of the wedding ceremony, and the marriage commitment, for a dress.
What are you saying? You DID change your wedding plans because you are pregnant. And not for the better - most women will move UP their wedding plans when they find out they are pregnant, not cancel them.
I think you have no idea of the significance, and profound importance of marriage vows. All you get is, I already bought this dress and I'm going to wear it or not get married at all.
Chances are, honestly, you'll never fit in to that dress again. Even if you lose all your weight, your rib cage will have expanded out and your torso will be broader from the bone structure expansion.
Best laid plans, and all. You are trading off the real value of the wedding ceremony, and the marriage commitment, for a dress.
Trisha, a difference of $200/month on rent is not the basis for living with a man you are planning to have a baby with. You are applying a short-term solution to a long-term problem. Moving in together solves a money problem - what about love and stability problems? Have you thought about moving in with someone else? Say, another single mother?
mayflowers, I agree with you that this forum is for honest opinions. Rockrose, your postings always hold true to that. To everyone else, people here are free to take what they want from it - that's part of making an anonymous post to begin with. Even if tentative advice is hurtful, hopefully those who reply will do so with tact and compassion. Let's stop beating each other up now...
mayflowers, I agree with you that this forum is for honest opinions. Rockrose, your postings always hold true to that. To everyone else, people here are free to take what they want from it - that's part of making an anonymous post to begin with. Even if tentative advice is hurtful, hopefully those who reply will do so with tact and compassion. Let's stop beating each other up now...
Typical response from RockRose. It's annoying and insulting. I'm keeping the rest of my comments to myself where she is concerned. Anyway, good luck on the pregnancy. I do agree on the holding off of moving in together. The relationship is just too new. I can tell you that I was a single mother with my daughter. I met my husband when my daughter was two. I do not regret keeping her or holding off until I met the man for me. My daughter was not a mistake and, like you, I was able to support her financially and emotionally. Good luck to you.
well what it comes down to is this guy she is talking about isn't wanting to make this big move right now, and I gotta say he's right. So, I really don't think there is anything to discuss because everyone on here seems to agree that the guy is the one using his brain about this subject. I don't think he used his brain when not using protection, but you know that's not just his fault. Lesson to learn. I hope one of the young teens that is on here reads this and sees what happens when you do stuff like this.
I cannot understand why someone would want and expect to have a "married life" with someone without the actual commitment (people dating and deciding to bring children into the world). Marriage seems to have such a bad rap anymore... Anyway, to the OP, I think moving in together would be a big mistake. It could be more economical to only have 1/2 a month's rent payment for you both, but you've hardly known him and he is hesitant. If you're able to support yourself and the baby, then follow that route. Its great that he seems to really want to be a part of your life and the baby's, but you're only 1 month pregnant, and things change. The last thing you want is the relationship dissolving, being 8 months pregnant and end up splitting up. I agree with WaitingWithHope on her view of this situation, that you really like him, and he has it made right now. I would take his hesitation seriously- do not assume a baby will make for a happily ever after, and if you're not ready for all of the responsibility of a baby, please do consider adoption.
Here is what I am getting from your post: I think you really like the guy and I think that deep down you welcome the pregnancy because it is a way you and your bf can share this love. The problem is, only a few months into the relationship, what you have is still in the lust phase. You have not made it to the love phase or the comfortable phase yet. And, my guess is, your bf senses this and worries that once you move in, especially pregnant or with a baby, he will feel awful bad trying to get rid of you if the relationship does not work out. It puts him in a really bad spot, even if he wants to fully support you and the baby.
Now, right now, he is having his cake and eating it too--staying at your place but having a pad of his own. You have made it easy for him to keep this up.
I would try and just be independent as much as possible right now, date and see how things turn out. The most important thing in your life has to be your baby, not your bf right now or moving in together. If he really does love you, then he will commit to this relationship--not because of a baby but because he loves and respects you.
Wait a while and see. You have a long time to figure things out and let yourself back off a bit with him.
Now, right now, he is having his cake and eating it too--staying at your place but having a pad of his own. You have made it easy for him to keep this up.
I would try and just be independent as much as possible right now, date and see how things turn out. The most important thing in your life has to be your baby, not your bf right now or moving in together. If he really does love you, then he will commit to this relationship--not because of a baby but because he loves and respects you.
Wait a while and see. You have a long time to figure things out and let yourself back off a bit with him.
You know in todays world, alot of females are choosing not to get married but choose to live with their boyfriends and have children. Seems to be happening more then ever before.
I personally got lucky, I have been married to my husband for 6 years and he is wonderful. We have two little girls. He is a hard worker and a great father and husband. The thing is when we marry a man, we don't know exactly how he is going to be as a father.
I do believe if a man is a good role model and a good father, then that is great for a girl or boy, but if a man turns out to be a bad father, then it is best for the child that he not be there.
I grew up in a home with a loving mother and father, and yes my father taught me how I as a female should be treated by a male. But my mother came from a home where her father was an alcoholic and beat my mother and grandmother. He ended up taking his own life when my mother was 10. Do I believe that my mother was better off with him out of the picture...... heck ya. The other thing is my mother knew only a father that beat his family and was a drunk, my mother didn't marry a man like that at all. She married the oposite a man that doesn't drink and would NEVER touch a female. So, I don't believe a person will always learn what they live, I think some people make better choices because they don't want to live like that again.
I don't believe the poster should force the issue of moving in with this man because I am sorry you don't know someone well enough to live with them at two months of dating, much less having sex 3 weeks into the relationship. I understand that you may feel it is stupid to pay two rents, but it is even more stupid moving in together with someone you hardly know, babies daddy or not. It also doesn't matter that you are 27 and have a career, because honestly it's not too smart to be having unprotected sex with a man you have dated less then 3 weeks. You know the thing is everyone thought you were younger because this is something that a young teenage female would do, not an older career woman.
I personally got lucky, I have been married to my husband for 6 years and he is wonderful. We have two little girls. He is a hard worker and a great father and husband. The thing is when we marry a man, we don't know exactly how he is going to be as a father.
I do believe if a man is a good role model and a good father, then that is great for a girl or boy, but if a man turns out to be a bad father, then it is best for the child that he not be there.
I grew up in a home with a loving mother and father, and yes my father taught me how I as a female should be treated by a male. But my mother came from a home where her father was an alcoholic and beat my mother and grandmother. He ended up taking his own life when my mother was 10. Do I believe that my mother was better off with him out of the picture...... heck ya. The other thing is my mother knew only a father that beat his family and was a drunk, my mother didn't marry a man like that at all. She married the oposite a man that doesn't drink and would NEVER touch a female. So, I don't believe a person will always learn what they live, I think some people make better choices because they don't want to live like that again.
I don't believe the poster should force the issue of moving in with this man because I am sorry you don't know someone well enough to live with them at two months of dating, much less having sex 3 weeks into the relationship. I understand that you may feel it is stupid to pay two rents, but it is even more stupid moving in together with someone you hardly know, babies daddy or not. It also doesn't matter that you are 27 and have a career, because honestly it's not too smart to be having unprotected sex with a man you have dated less then 3 weeks. You know the thing is everyone thought you were younger because this is something that a young teenage female would do, not an older career woman.
bottom line is, the original poster asked if she is rushing things by wanting her bf of 2 months to move in with her. i think we all agree that the answer to her is that she is moving way too fast.
let bygones be bygones and let people make thier own decisions. i only offer my advice and opinions when asked of me. she didnt ask if she should have this baby, she asked if it was too soon to get her bf to move in. yes, its too soon. if she thinks that getting pregnant makes "instant" fmaily, she's in for a bumpy ride. as far as everything else goes - to each his own, as far as im concerned.
let bygones be bygones and let people make thier own decisions. i only offer my advice and opinions when asked of me. she didnt ask if she should have this baby, she asked if it was too soon to get her bf to move in. yes, its too soon. if she thinks that getting pregnant makes "instant" fmaily, she's in for a bumpy ride. as far as everything else goes - to each his own, as far as im concerned.
Are you perfect, or are your life decisions perfect? No I don't think so. Why should I change my wedding plans because I am pregnant. Will my son know any different? If we are both loving parents and can provide for him does it really matter when I walked down that aisle? Get real.
Exactly my point. Everyone's home life is different and we can't judge it and say that it's better to have a father even though he may not be a good one. Knowing how my father is, I would rather he not have been around or else I would probably have been with an alcoholic man myself and that's where the cycle repeats itself. I have been with my fiance for 4 years and have every intention on getting married, but I'm not going to rush into it because I'm pregnant. We were engaged before I got pregnant and planning the wedding. I want to have the wedding I had planned for and not do a city hall type of deal just because I am pregnant. If my fiance had issues, then one I wouldn't be with him, two I wouldn't of decided to have a baby with him and three I wouldn't want him around my son if I were to be pregnant.
mami, you are choosing to have a baby with no husband because the dress you wanted to wear no longer fits. You and I live on different planets. You're p;robably not all that upset to hear that, I'm sure. ;D
girliegrl - no, a bad man isn't better than no man at all. The point is to spend your life trying to make the very best decisions you can, and sometimes things go awry and you have to change plans.
girliegrl - no, a bad man isn't better than no man at all. The point is to spend your life trying to make the very best decisions you can, and sometimes things go awry and you have to change plans.
what about situations where the father is very much present and abusive or an alcoholic or a drug addict? in those situations, wouldn't it be better for the father to not be around at all. i don't think there is a univeral right and wrong when it comes to families and home life as each situation is so varied. i just don't see how you would suggest to a young woman who is financially stable and choosing to have the baby she is pregnant with to give it up for adoption simply because the father may or may not be in the picture. is that right? i see where you're going with the importance of a father figure, but i think what you're missing is to stress the importance of a POSITIVE father figure. same goes the other way around. there a a select few fathers who raise children without mothers for some reason or another. yes, in any event, the child is always effected one way or another, but it is not always for the worse. you can't say that mami would have been better off subjected to a father who wanted nothing to do with them. how beneficial would that have been? you just can't cookie cut these type of major life decisions.
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