Can attraction change due to a poor marriage?

[apleblsm]

My question is, can a woman be attracted to women, or even have an affair due to feeling unloved by her spouse?  Is this making it too simplistic?  

I have been married for 12 years and do love my husband.  However it is a hard marriage, he is a very angry man and not very quick to show affection at all.  I love him, very much.  I have had an affair though with a woman, twice, same woman.  I have friends encouraging me to come out of the closet and leave the marriage.

However I want to stay, I love him and we have four children to care for.  I just want our marriage to be better.  I feel like having an affair with a woman is safe for some reason.  While I did enjoy  being held by her and even kissing her, it didn't feel like something I could imagine long term.  She wants a relationship and I had to pull back.  I can't imagine leaving my husband for her.  I wonder if my attraction to her is simply due to needing to connect to someone.

Am I over simplifying things or do I need to take a harder look at my sexual orientation?  Can I simply be attracted to her because I want to be loved so badly?

[dawnangela]

Lol, Count me in:)))

[imanaddict]

Me too Vic! LOL!

[mami1323]

Vic, I swear I'm going to come to you with ALL of my relationship problems...lol.

[VicUser]

Cat is right, sort of, if a man and a woman is continually bickering, fighting, name calling and talking trash about their spouse to the children then it has a profound effect on the children. I would put this in the true mental and verbal abuse category and children need to be protected from all abuse. If it is just being mad and cold to each other then they really need to just practice being nice, have you ever noticed that if you are really nice to someone it is very hard for them to be $hitty back to you? If YOU get up every morning and think what can I do to make my spouse happy, without thinking what you’ll get in return, unless you have chosen wrong, things will be a lot better and they might start doing the same back.

[catmagnet]

Just my two cents, but how is an unhappy marriage better for the children? Dawn, I have also been married a very l-o-n-g time, and I swear we came from different galaxies, much less venus and mars! BTW, men don't just tune us out, they have selective hearing! But seriously, my sister got divorced when she had 4 kids(VERY bad marriage), and everything turned out ok. I think she set a good example to her kids not to be co-dependent on her cheatin'(and abusive) hubby...and who hasn't THOUGHT about being with someone else(be it man or woman)...doesn't mean you're gonna act on it~~~~

[dawnangela]

Lol i so agree with you on that.Married 27 years read him like a book:)......... Men and women communicate differently. Any one that has been married very long know men tune their wife's voice frequency out. So many women wonder why their hubbies do not want to talk endlessly about the same subject, guys hear it and want to fix it or move on.

This is so so true:)

[VicUser]

Men and women communicate differently. Any one that has been married very long know men tune their wife's voice frequency out. So many women wonder why their hubbies do not want to talk endlessly about the same subject, guys hear it and want to fix it or move on. Hearing what they did wrong 42 times gets real old. With that said, it is up to both sides to work on the type of communication that works. Maybe if you hubby knows how you want to be held and kissed and knows he is pleasing you he might try harder too.

As a final thought, I feel God did make the human female form the best and prettiest form on Earth, he also gave her a special compassion without end. That is why Men need women and I can see why this person found comfort with another woman. I am not trying to justify an affair with a man or woman, just my 2 cents.

[Judy246]

Let me see if I get this right? You have been married for 12 yrs, are a mother of 4, having an adulterous or are continue to have an adulterous affair with a "woman", because you feel unloved? What every happened to communicating with your husband or marriage counselor. Instead, you had a lesbian affair? Inexcusable! What type of moral value example are you setting for your children? There is absolutely no excuse for infidelity and worse when children are involved. Did you think of the long term consequences to your marriage, husband, children, home, family, this other person?

[dawnangela]

Well in that case, your husband had a problem and needs some kind of therapy.He should join in with you..

[teko]

Couples counseling may be beneficial enuff to keep you two together till the kids are grown? You been together long enuff to have 4 kids, so something must be working? I can not identify with you because I have never seen another female in that light. Just not my cup of tea, however it does seem to be a lots of guys fantasy to c two females together, no clue why, but u no, thats me.

[jo929]

I really do not think that you are inclined to be gay, just wanting attention, but i think there may be something wrong with your husband for pushing it, try and have a heart to heart talk with your husband and then think long and hard about what you really want, but think of the children first. luck  jo

[imanaddict]

I think part of the reason you went to a woman is because women are generally more in tune with other women's emotional needs. Your husband is just being a male and evidently likes the idea of two women being together. Evidently he doesn't consider you being with another woman a threat, which could be another reason you went to a woman. This does not mean you are gay. Did you enjoy being with her? Would you ever consider being with another woman again under the right circumstance? If the answer is yes, you are probably bisexual which is pretty common these days. I don't know how to fix your marriage besides advising to go to counseling with your husband. Does he even realize there's a problem? I assume you told him you were with this woman because of his lack of affection, right? Does he want to work on that?

[VicUser]

ps. your Husband should read or listen to at least the one about marriage, but if he listens to the other because he wants to see what you are doing wrong he may inadvertently find out he is lacking as a husband !

[specialmom]

Yes, I agree.  A husband usually does not encourage their wife to be intimate with another unless it is part of his fantasy life.  Probably not the most healthy.  Perhaps you could drag him along with you to therapy because COUPLES therapy is needed here.  I think people can and have been attracted to both sexes throughout the ages and others can't fathom the idea of same sex relationships.  But that is the least of your worries.  I think if your husband encouraged it, then that may have factored into the whole decision in the first place.  Now I understand what you meant about "safe".  You have a lot of sorting out to do.  Therapy is a good option and I hope you get the resolution to this soon.  Take care . . .

[VicUser]

I would encourage you to get the following two books, they are in papaerback and cheap and also in audio form. if you are like me and don't have the time or like to read.

The care and feeding of husbands
and
The care and feeding of marriage

They are both by Dr Laura and if you have heard of her you may have an option about her for or against her, but please read, or listen, with an open mind, it might make a big difference.

[mami1323]

Do you want to know if we think you are gay?  I don't think anyone can answer that for you.  If your husband knows about the affair and is pushing you to cheat than you need to question your marriage.  Your husband needs to join in on the therapy sessions because there is a lot going on here.

[apleblsm]

I wanted to clarify,  My husband knows about this affair and knew about it last time. He has also actually encouraged it.  I have not been sexual with this woman this time around and he is very much pushing for that.  I am not comfortable taking that step until I am no longer married.

I haven't read through all the responses yet but thought I would put that out there.  I have also ended it with her.  I told my husband that I don't want to lose my marriage.

I am in therapy over all of this and he also knows that.  I am just looking for others opinions.  Why, well because I know I am most certainly not the only woman to ever deal with this.

[VicUser]

Teko is absolutely right you need to think long and hard about this. The kids will be the one that suffers from this more than you or your Husband.

I am always amazed when "friends" suggest you doing something that is only self gratifying. It is my humble option that if you love him you break it off with the other woman, and start treating him with that love and affection. If you chose poorly and he is not a good man then when the kids are grown and on their own then leave and start a new life. The love that you show him can, and will in many times, change him and he could stop being so angery.

However, if there is any physical abuse or the kids are in danger in anyway then leave.

[mami1323]

Well in my opinion even a bad relationship won't make a person going from an opposite sex to a same sex.  Sometimes if a person is unhappy they will turn to someone else but I tend to think that if it's with someone from the opposite sex you have always had those feelings deep down.  I know if my relationship is bad, I would not go to a woman.  I agree with specialmom, an affair is an affair whether it is with a woman or a man.  You are still forming a bond with someone else and betraying your husband.  It's a good thing you ended it before it got too serious, however, the damage has already been done.  You have to wonder if you can see yourself staying in an unhappy marriage because it hasn't changed, its still the same marriage.  So if it hasn't changed, then most likely you will probably do this again to him somewhere down the line.  Your relationship has to change somewhere and I also suggest counseling.  But your husband has to want to go and that's a tough thing to do when he doesn't even know that anything is wrong or won't admit that anything is wrong.  Whatever your issues are, communication is key.  If you were so unhappy with him, you should of left him.  Cheating only makes it worse.  Good luck.

[teko]

You say you love your husband. You have 4 children who will be affected majorly by the decision you make. You sound uncertain at best. My advice would be that under the current circumstances, lose the affair and work on your relationship with your marriage. Why disrupt everyones lives including your own, when you know not what it is you want?

[younggrandmother]

You have to make some  difficult decisions. You had an affair, this is going to be very devastating to you husband. I don't think just because it was a woman its going to make it any easier, it could make it a lot more difficult for him to understand. If you are going to stay married you need to come clean.You will not be able to be happy if you have this hanging over you head,He needs to know the truth. I am sure you don't wont him to find this out from someone else.You can try counseling but that is only going to work if you are truthful.It sounds like you were very lonely,and craving some love and attention,this is not an excuses, this is reality. He has to do his part to make you feel loved and cared for, But you also have to do your part and that is communicating with him, tell him how you feel tell him what is lacking in the relationship.As for the other women just because she is a women does not mean you are gay. Are you attracted to other women ( when you see a nice looking lady do you think oh she is pretty or do you have sexual thoughts) My daughter has a friend that fell in love with a women, she has never looked at any other woman this way.She tells us that she fell in love with the person only.Now she has a boyfriend and is very happy. If you won't you marriage to work it's going to take some hard work by the both of you. I suggest getting a marriage counselor.You have a lot to lose if you feel it is worth fighting for then fight.    

[specialmom]

I think cheating is cheating whether it is with a man or "safe" with a woman.  It is very destructive behavior.  It will ruin your self esteem as you will start to look at yourself differently. And I don't say this because the other person is the same sex as you.  It is the nature of a gentle person (which you seem to be) doing something hurtful and dishonest.  

Is your marriage unhappy or hard?  Those are two different things.  I think many marriages are difficult.  Maybe even most.  Have you approached your husband about his quick to anger temperment and lack of affection that you desire?  Has marriage counseling ever been attempted?  There are skills that can be taught to a "egghead" spouse by the right therapist.  As long as both parties are motivated.  So I would look long and hard at your marriage and see what can be done with it.

You've distracted yourself elsewhere and whether you are gay or not, I don't know.  But your first issue is resolving your marriage.  You are still committed to someone.  If you leave him, then you can figure out if it is men or woman that you choose to be with from now on.  This is just my opinion, of course.  You do seem like a gentle soul.  Do damage control now and just focas on what is CURRENTLY in your life.  If you decide that isn't worth it and you are indeed living  a double life, then it is fair to you AND your husband to end things.  Good luck, this must all be very confusing.  By the way----  how many of your "friends" know about this. . .

[dawnangela]

Do you really want to stay in an unhappy marriage? you answered your question as you are attracted to another woman, so i guess its yes you can be attracted to the same sex, If your not feeling loved you will look else where whether its male or female, But its a dangerous thing your doing, you will get found out and you will have to suffer the consequences and the pain it will bring..You need to decide if you want your marriage and seek help or leave and be with someone else..You will get hurt and your children will also if you do continue with the affair..Best of luck..