Aa
Cheated on after 6 years and terribly confused and sad
I have been with someone for over 6 years... I love(d) him more than I have ever loved anyone before. I felt as if he cheated before, but was never able to "prove" it... Until last weekend when I found a devastating text on his phone. He tried to lie again to cover it up. I talked to the woman, whom was vague at first, but I got my harsh truth. He lives at home to help care for his ill mother, so I only see him Friday - Monday morning, which I thought was working well for us both. Guess not. We were even supposed to be going on a trip together next week for 10 days, but I called it off. He went to see her at least three times that I know of, and swears it was nothing to him. He seems to be in pain now too, although I think it is because he got caught. I know he loves me, so WHY??? This has been the hardest day in the last week where I am alone with my thoughts. Anyone with insight? I went to get tested... humiliating, but I thought I should take care of myself... HELP! I feel so incredibly alone..... and confused... and sad.
oh sad and confused!!! I'm so happy about your results, that is awesome! that will help you greatly, and that is much of the worries gone right there. great!
I'm happy to hear that you can think about your future and imagine where you're going to be now that you know he won't be in the picture anymore. Such a good step in the right direction, as sometimes denial can hold us down for a LONG time. You definitely sound like you're getting a good handle on the situation.
Plus I am SO happy for you to hear that those STD results came back negative! I've been in your shoes somewhat, with a "great" partner who cheated on me and did NOT use protection. It was devastating, but getting those tests done was one of many steps in acknowleging the reality of the situation. It also helped me to quell those tempting thoughts to take him back or deny that he could ever be so selfish.
It's also great that you have an empathetic support network - use and appreciate them. It sounds like you're doing well!
Plus I am SO happy for you to hear that those STD results came back negative! I've been in your shoes somewhat, with a "great" partner who cheated on me and did NOT use protection. It was devastating, but getting those tests done was one of many steps in acknowleging the reality of the situation. It also helped me to quell those tempting thoughts to take him back or deny that he could ever be so selfish.
It's also great that you have an empathetic support network - use and appreciate them. It sounds like you're doing well!
Oh... One more thing... I got my results from my STD exam... I was tested for everything under the sun... After a long week of waiting for that call from my doctor... NEGATIVE!!!!!!!!!! Thank God!!!!!!!!! Whhhoooooooooo Hooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! I never want to feel that worry again!
Take your time processing this. It IS a lot of raw, overwhelming feelings to find out that the person you loved has done something like this to you. Don't rush yourself. Just take your time. And talk/post when you need to. The devastating reality is that this will take a long time to get over (more than a couple weeks or even a couple months for sure!). If you want to feel proactive, start thinking about how you're going to cope with this and take care of yourself. I'm sorry that you're going through so much pain right now. It will take time to lift.
Wow... Thanks... Isn't it funny how "strangers" helped me feel better at a time when nobody felt "stranger" than me... Life is ironic some and most times. Thanks... When I feel all of the emotions that anyone feels going through this horrible time, I feel lucky to have a couple of great friends to confide in, as well as here anonomously... and I am happy to report it has been TWO looooooong weeks to the day when that text was sent and that I discovered it... and I am starting to feel HUMAN again. I still have a very long road ahead of me, but I have stayed strong... have not seen him... but I am starting to realize that at least it happened now and not 6 more years from now. I will in time take that trip with someone that truly loves me.... I will continue to check back in... your words and wisdom have helped... truly, so thank you for taking the time to write and to help me.
Cheers........
And for the wondering my nationality... Estonian, although I have always lived in the states... I get the eh, from just the pieces that make up ME! =)
Still sad......but a little less confused...
Cheers........
And for the wondering my nationality... Estonian, although I have always lived in the states... I get the eh, from just the pieces that make up ME! =)
Still sad......but a little less confused...
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. It's been hard to not talk to people around me, because I don't want them to judge me or him, in the event I did end up with him. I have confided in a few that I know care about me unconditionally and will not judge, but offer their advice, opinions and support. I guess I need to answer two questions... 1) Could I ever forgive him, although I know you never forget... and 2) Could I ever trust him. This is still so incredibly raw, so it's still confusing. I think the answer is 1) maybe and 2) no. He said he wants to now move in together, get married... a little too late, eh? He started counseling... I hope he is doing it for himself and not just to try and save me. I am trying so hard to stay busy and keep my mind off of things... It just SUCKS!!!!!! And I still love him, but I also love me and know I am a good person, with a good, although broken heart...
I also can't believe how incredibly common this is! Everyone has a story it seems!!! If this is so damn common, if I give up now, what are the chances the next person won't be the same or worse? That sounds silly, but Good Lord!!! I feel so naive and stupid when it comes to this, because I would never stray. How ********* hard is it to give yourself to somebody completely???
I also can't believe how incredibly common this is! Everyone has a story it seems!!! If this is so damn common, if I give up now, what are the chances the next person won't be the same or worse? That sounds silly, but Good Lord!!! I feel so naive and stupid when it comes to this, because I would never stray. How ********* hard is it to give yourself to somebody completely???
well sad and confused, for a decent and loyal man, it is nothing for him to give you his all. this man is not capable of giving you his all because he is a piece of sh!t. sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. dont waste your time wondering what can be done, you've wasted more than enough time already!! dont sleep with him again. get tested, and give him the boot.
ps. I noticed you say eh, are you canadian?
ps. I noticed you say eh, are you canadian?
I totally agree with the first poster. Depending on the problem, the arousal issue could be 100% on his end. Unless he addresses and fixes it for himself, he'll eventually have the same problem again with a new person.
Don't internalize this (if you can help it). People who cheat WILL invent every excuse they can to justify what they've chosen to do. Push come to shove they lied and deceived you (not to mention put your health at risk if they weren't careful). If you guys have problems you should have addressed them. If they couldn't be resolved, decide whether you want to stay in or move on. But lying only leads to issues of self-esteem and disrespect. Don't let his baggage become yours. Good luck!
Don't internalize this (if you can help it). People who cheat WILL invent every excuse they can to justify what they've chosen to do. Push come to shove they lied and deceived you (not to mention put your health at risk if they weren't careful). If you guys have problems you should have addressed them. If they couldn't be resolved, decide whether you want to stay in or move on. But lying only leads to issues of self-esteem and disrespect. Don't let his baggage become yours. Good luck!
Sad, he's been dating you for 6 years, and he's living with his mother.
He's not really very available. It's awful to look at all that time you wasted, as you say, but best not to toss good time after bad. It sounds like it's time to move on.
I was also a little curious about your statement that he "claims" he isn't sexually aroused by you, as if he's lying about that. For some reason, the passion is gone for him, I don't think he'd just make that up.
Best wishes. Testing is probably a good idea, as you say.
He's not really very available. It's awful to look at all that time you wasted, as you say, but best not to toss good time after bad. It sounds like it's time to move on.
I was also a little curious about your statement that he "claims" he isn't sexually aroused by you, as if he's lying about that. For some reason, the passion is gone for him, I don't think he'd just make that up.
Best wishes. Testing is probably a good idea, as you say.
Dump him ASAP and cut off all communication. Even if he never cheated again, you'd never trust him and that's a hell of a way to live. The insecurity can drive you insane and literally cause physical illness.
And his cheating has nothing to do with you. People with no character always try to turn it around and make it somebody else's fault. You could do everything he wanted and more and he'd still stray b/c he is a self centered narcisisstic low life who doesn't appreciate all the love, time and energy you have offered him. You don't understand this b/c you're a good person. Don't try to understand --- it's a waste of your time. Just move on and thank God you found him out before you had kids together or you contracted a disease.
Take what I say to heart. I wasted 10 years of my life with a cheater who never changed. Your BF doesn't love you or himself -- he's incapable of it.
Hope this makes you feel better. There's lots of men out there to appreciate all you have to offer, So cry and scream at this terrible betrayal but don't give this _sshole another minute of your beautiful self. And whenever you feel lonely and yearn for the good old days shift your attention to the life you will have when you find your true love. You deserve better and you're the only one who can make sure you get it.
Hang in there,
Kittyface
And his cheating has nothing to do with you. People with no character always try to turn it around and make it somebody else's fault. You could do everything he wanted and more and he'd still stray b/c he is a self centered narcisisstic low life who doesn't appreciate all the love, time and energy you have offered him. You don't understand this b/c you're a good person. Don't try to understand --- it's a waste of your time. Just move on and thank God you found him out before you had kids together or you contracted a disease.
Take what I say to heart. I wasted 10 years of my life with a cheater who never changed. Your BF doesn't love you or himself -- he's incapable of it.
Hope this makes you feel better. There's lots of men out there to appreciate all you have to offer, So cry and scream at this terrible betrayal but don't give this _sshole another minute of your beautiful self. And whenever you feel lonely and yearn for the good old days shift your attention to the life you will have when you find your true love. You deserve better and you're the only one who can make sure you get it.
Hang in there,
Kittyface
The poster above is correct.... this has nothing to do with you. Since you've felt that he has cheated on you before, then I would recommend slamming your foot down with this guy ---- and give him a final ultimatum. He either comes clean about all of his affairs or you walk out. When and if he does come clean.... you need to take it from there. If he doesn't come clean --- considering dumping him and finding a man you can trust.
I should also add... He claims to have issues with getting aroused with me. I am not a sexually boring person. I would do anything and probably enjoy it or at least try it. Maybe that is too much? Too overbearing? I have no idea... Sex has certainly become less and less... and less interesting and more ritualistic. No real passion for awhile. I attributed it to just being in a long term relationship, where things normally kind of die down, but... not this... not cheating. I gave him my heart, my friendship, my loyalty and my soul... and I got this...........
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
