Complicated Situation

[Annon44]

I need some advice and help regarding my partner being unfaithful.

I have been with my boyfriend for coming up five years now and he is definitely the love of my life. We have been through so much together and he really does make me happy.

But last year he developed a gambling problem. He would spend all of his money on pokies then come home with no money to pay rent or buy food. He saw it as a way out of money trouble, he could only see what would happen if he won, never what happened when he lost. This got me really down and depressed although I hid these feelings to help him. I got him help and he was better, but them early this year he used them again and lied to me about it.

I was out of ideas as to how to help him so I moved out of our home and in with friends telling him he needed to sort out his gambling or he would lose me. I thought this would be a big enough fright for him to give it up even though it was so hard for me to leave him when he needed me.

But then, within a few weeks he had met some new people, including a manipulative girl named Louise. He no longer cared about me and spent all his time texting her. Every time we spoke he told me she was just a friend which I trusted. One day I received multiple Facebook messages from this girl telling me I was a **** and to leave my boyfriend alone. She told me she had kissed him and that he tried to sleep with her. She then went on to tell me to kill myself and told me I was an ugly dog. When I told my boyfriend this, he did not believe me and told me I was making it up as I was jealous. This was the end of me, I hit rock bottom and tried to hurt myself. After this, I found out I was in early stages of pregnancy and had killed our baby. Needless to say I was a mess. I decided to move home with my parents to get better as I was sure my boyfriend no longer wanted me around. Before I left he told me he loved me and he would wait for me and he would not sleep with anyone as he was committed to me.

I spent two months at home before feeling strong enough to face the world again. When I returned to him, I began receiving hate messages via text and Facebook from Louise and get friends telling me my boyfriend had been sleeping with Louise and didn't care about me.

I talked to him about it and he admitted sleeping with her. He stated he didn't regret it and said it happened two weeks after I left for home. He then changed his tone and said he was so drunk and he only did it to hurt me Because he thought I was rejecting him and didn't want him because he was a gambler.

Basically six months on and the pain is still so intense. Finding out the love of your life threw you away for the first piece of trash he met hurts so much. And knowing I can never think of my man as loyal again hurts like crazy.

I guess I just need some advice. I need someone to tell me to grow up or to get over it or help me understand how to get over these feelings. To say I am depressed is an understatement. I wish I could change my decision to move out.

The hardest thing is I still love him with all my heart and cannot imagine life without him. I just want to forget about what he did :(

[hotmama78]

For whatever reason you're still consider stay with your man, I wish you good luck!! I cannot predicted to you is he worthy your sacrifice or not bcos I never been into such situation so I will just say you know better. And for the pain he cost you I think time will be the best medication and if you decided to stay then look forward for more happier moments together might help you forget the pain but if hurtful things continue to happen then I think the pain will never go away... all the best hun..

[TTinKKerBBell]

I too, think You need to see a therapist on Your own, and Neither Do I say that to hurt You/cause You pain!!. I too, think there is more going on here "under the surface".  I understand that when You left You were "genuinely unhappy" as All of Us are when a relationship ends!!

Of Course!! You were invested!!
and Of Course!! You were "genuinely unhappy"
and Of Course!! He is not a bad person - No one is ALL bad!!
BUT
that being said, it doesn't "look", "sound" like He is good for YOU!!

Love Is NOT Supposed To Hurt OR Be Painful!!

This I Know IsTrue!!

[specialmom]

Sweetie, I think you need to see a therapist on your own.  There is a reason you are with him and it isn't love.  I don't say that to hurt you or to doubt you in terms of being with him other than to say that I think there is more going on under the surface for you.  Speaking to a therapist may give you clarity.  Please consider this.  best of luck

[Annon44]

I am back with him already, all of this happened six plus months ago but I find when we have minor disagreements I blow up and get angry. I feel like I just lose control and I say such horrible things to him to try make him feel horrible for his past actions.

He has not gambled now for over 8months which I think is incredible as many of you have said and addiction is difficult to overcome but with councilling he seems to be able to control it.

As for the pregnancy, that is such a weight of my shoulders to know losing my baby was possibly not my fault. I came to that conclusion myself and have been getting myself really down about it all.

I want to take your advice but I tried to be apart from him once before but I was genuinely unhappy. I know he is not a bad person, just a little misled and he does treat me really good. I just want to forget about the past and move on, whether that ends up with him or without him, I will deal with that as it comes. But how can I forget the pain of what he did.

[RockRose]

I agree with the other two,  and want to add a few things.

When you say the love of your life threw you away like trash,  I think you should reframe that.  A lying,  cheating gambler decided he didn't want to put up with your judgement of him anymore.  That's really what happened.  It's easier for him to have a woman who accepts his faults than it is for him to have to deal with a woman who won't accept his addictions and wants to help him overcome them.

From his perspective,  of course he likes Louise better!   She will sleep with him no matter what he does.   Because that's the kind of guy he is,  and the kind of guy he will continue to be.    And your love can't change that.  

Secondly,  you don't say what you did to "try to harm yourself" but it's unlikely that caused your early miscarriage.  There's not much you can do to cause an early miscarriage if the pregnancy is healthy (although women throughout history have tried,  sometimes ending up dead themselves),  and there's not much you can do to save an unhealthy pregnancy as hard as women have tried over the ages.

Early pregnancies either stick or they don't,  and it's not usually based on what the woman does.  It's based on whether the conception was solid,  and the hormones were in place to support the beginning pregnancy.

Best wishes.  Walk forward,    and don't look back.  

[specialmom]

well said 4slenderthread.  Thank you for sharing your personal experience as well.  

[4slenderthread]

Hello there -
As far as I'm concerned, the post from 'specialmom' said it all. No matter what you may be 'feeling' right now, you need to avoid this guy - period. I married a man like him and it was one long, drawn out disaster until we divorced. I was never happier! The biggest mistake you could make is getting back together. That would just send him the message that he can do anything and you'll put up with it. I'm sorry you got involved with him. There's nothing you can do to help him - remember that! His problems are HIS. He has made his choices, let him live with them and you can take the time you need to mourn and then start living YOUR life again.I know it's difficult to think about the future right now - but you DO have one if you stay away from that man. I send all my best. Be strong and you will get through this mess. Atleast you know now all the things you don't want in a man. Be patient and a good one will come along! Take care ...  

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  I'm going to be completely honest, you need to leave this realtionship and never ever look back.  That you'd consider for a second being with this man again really really worries me.  Codependency is real and if one does not address their own issues when in a codepndent relationship, sadly, it often repeats in some way.  

Here are the facts.  Your boyfriend has an addiction.  Addiction is not easily overcome and often takes intense treatment of an inhouse nature. And if other things are not dealt with regarding the addiction such as the underlying cause like depression which most often goes hand and hand with addiction, someone will never recover.  And what often happens with addictive people that do not fully recover is that they go back to using their preferred subsance or they switch to a new one.  Very very common pattern so that your guy could have addiction problems for life.  He is a risky person to have any hope of a normal life with.

Next fact, he cheats and lies.  He is unfaithful and has had sex with someone else and lied to you about it.  He protected this other person over you.

Next fact, he is not good with money.  Your financial future would never be safe with him.  Why tie yourself to someone like that.  

Next fact, most women would run from a situation like this.  You did not and therefore, need to explore why.  This is best done with a therapist.  

We can say we  love someone but what does that mean?  Love is just like any other emotion and should not rule our life.  We need to make good and healhty choices.  This relationship had many levels of dysfunction ingrained into it and is not worth thinking about in terms of wanting to be with him again but rather to learn from so that you can go on and at some point in your life, have a healthy adult relationship with a true partner.

good luck