Controlling Husband?

[Keks3082]

[You can read my previous post to know more about me.]
Now that my marriage of 6 yrs has hit rock bottom, having feedback regarding my question can help with my direction.
Are these signs?!  
-blame:  has told me things like, "if it weren't for your nagging, I'd probably be in medical school by now."  "If you forgive me of all the grudges you hold against me, all our marriage problems would be solved."  
-threats:  "If you were to continue on in that [other] relationship, you'll definitely lose your kids, and your mom would back me up."  
-after heated arguments, he will not talk to me for days to a week at a time, and he knows that kills me but still does it.  
-in heated arguments, he often yells and when I calmly tell him to lower his voice and take control of himself, especially in front of our children, he doesn't seem to.  He's punched walls, broken cupboards, swore at me in front of my daughter.  
-if I have an opinion I'd like to share, and he completely disagrees, it most often turns into a heated argument and has some way of making me feel "wrong", by using something from the scriptures or whatever (we're christian).  I'm to the point where I don't feel I can share with him my thoughts, feelings and opinions b/c I want to avoid contention.  
-since we've dated, he's sort of made me commit to higher standards of living or it'll cause major arguments (ex. from my bikini to only a one piece, commit to being a stay at home mom, absolutely no rated R movies, some PG-13 even cautioned, he must know what movies I'm viewing even with a friend)
-I'm to the point where I don't feel I can share with him my feelings because it almost always turns into a very heated argument.  When I'm crying with pain during those arguments, he doesn't comfort me.

I used to think "okay, he's got normal issues like everyone else", but something's not quite right when all of this seems to be affecting my self-esteem.  I do not justify my falling in another relationship and completely agree it was wrong of me, but I do understand why I did.  I should be able to have a say in my marriage and be felt like an equal partner.  Why then, do I feel I'm living with a parent instead?  No wonder the intimacy is lacking...I really need help.  

Counseling - I've gone every single year of marriage, but me trying to get him to go?  A definite chore, as he doesn't totally agree that's the solution.  Do I keep hope that he can change for the better and I can be in love with him again?  Am I being too dramatic?  

Please help!  I just want my spouse to be my best friend I look forward to spending the rest of my life with.  :(  
Thanks again.

[RockRose]

Keks,  maybe something more helpful than the last post I wrote.

Why do you keep having such heated arguments?  Over what?  When you start a conversation about your "feelings" - whatever the feelings are - don't you already know you're starting an argument?  You keep talking about heated arguments - what's all the arguing about?

[RockRose]

I really don't understand this relationship.  He sounds like he wants one thing in a wife - and you want to be another thing,  and in that scenario you call him controlling.  He wants a mature,  modest full time mother for his children.  Instead he has a wife who complains that she is wearing a one piece bathing suit and has a long term lesbian affair and expects him to stuff that.

Most men would be out the door with your children at this point.

Until you look at this relationship from both sides - and realize he is EXTREMELY flexible with something that would make other men take your kids away from you . . .  

You really seem unable to see this from his perspective.