My husband lies about seeing his love child.

[LondonClaire]

This is very strange. I'm not one for publicly sharing my concerns but I desperately need some advice.
In a nutshell, I've been with my husband for 20 years I was 19. He's 10 years older than me. From day one I've said I wanted children.
Life was busy, exciting, good and then 5 years ago I said I wanted to try for a baby. He flipped saying he liked our life & I was just being selfish. I said I'd leave if we didn't as I'd consistently said I wanted a child so he agreed to try.
It turned out he has a rubbish sperm count so, in summary, we ended up trying to adopt as I didn't originally want to emotional pain of IVF.  In England the adoption it's a nightmare , made harder for me as my husband sent so many inconsistent & often cruel messages about how he felt.
Then, half way through the adoption process I thought he was having an affair due to his behaviour & it turns out a girl of 19 had just declared she was his daughter.
We ended up dropping the adoption as it was ripping us apart. I felt like he didn't want me to have a baby but he spent time & money on this girl, often seeing her without telling me. He had continued to not be open about her & I feel it's worse than him having an affair. At least I can compete with another woman.
They refuse to have a DNA test. He admitted it would be embarrassing to have to tell his mates she's not his.
I still want a baby. He sulks when I say I do. He tells me he's not seeing this girl yet I know he is.
And now she is pregnant.
I've put up with being kept short of money despite me earning more money than him ( joint bank account that he controls), prostitutes (I found cards and evidence of his communication with them) and now this.
It's like he doesn't want me to have a child but he has his ready made family without me.
I struggle accepting this girl partly as they sneak around do much that I can't work through my emotions.
I'm 39. Scared. I love him as when I shut my mind to the above he's my best friend. He's funny, intelligent and he's been my sidekick for 20 years. I just don't know what to do.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also, you say you dont know what to do. Do whats best for you. Nothings written in stone and if your comfortable with the situation just go with the flow. Maybe ask to meet the daughter, and bring her into your life as shes already there anyway.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Oh, I'm very sorry.  Hon, you married very young.  he had a baby right around the time you two got married or shortly after and has kept it a secret all this time?  How long has he known this and he's been seeing her behind your back?  Oh goodness, that would hurt!!  I'm very sorry.  In truth, he could have had a normal relationship with her in which he shares custody with the mother and been a 'real' dad and you would have had a daughter to help raise and be her mom.  BAD choice on his part if he has known for years and didn't let you know about this too.  Sure, it would have hurt and under the circumstances, it feels like salt in the wound but it would have best for you for many reasons.  Very cowardly, if I may say so, for him to not tell you sweetie.  

He should, however, see the girl.  Now that it isn't secret, he should introduce you and bring you into the situation.  It is not the girl's fault all of the other things going on.  And there can be beauty in loving people including this girl and her soon to be baby.  As an aunt, I received such joy from my niece and nephews.  So, think of this as an opportunity for more relationships in your life that can be positive.  

But I know it hurts based on the fact that you want children.  I think it is unfair that you've been very clear you want kids and when it is time, your husband says no.  Very selfish of him.  Can you proceed with the adoption?  

I think you really do have to decide if you want this marriage or if you want to move on to someone that is more of a team player with you.  Your husband doesn't seem to feel your feelings are as valid as his.  And that just doesn't fly in a life long marriage.  Especially when your dreams are crushed.  And therapy  is always a good thing .  

Again, I'm so sorry.  No easy answer here.  but I certainly feel for you and wish a positive outcome to this for you.  peace and luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

Your Marriage has had major issues but You seem able to accept all but the "sneaking around" with His Daughter.  

You have only 2 choices:
Stay or Go

Neither are ideal (as regards the major issues in this Marriage) BUT if You stay perhaps You can embrace His Daughter as a StepDaughter (no more "need" to "sneak around") and be a GrandParent to her Child.  It is what it is - You cannot change what has happened but perhaps You can find Your way to acceptance - and being a GrandParent would be a wonderful experience for You.

I agree that therapy/counseling is in order whether You stay or go.
Good Luck

[Londres70]

A lying and cheating husband........are you certain you want children with this man?  He surely doesn't sound like father material.  Makes you wonder what else isn't he telling you.  

I can tell you this.... his behavior probably isn't going to change even if you have a child with him.  In fact, it might even get worse.  

Until he owns up to these issues things will not change.  Doesn't sound like he is willing to work on these issues, but to continue "status quo."

Try talking with him mentioning the idea of couples' therapy, which is well needed here.  See what he says.  If he gets all defensive and doesn't want to own the problems then there is your answer......you will have to keep living the way you have been living with this man which isn't ideal in no way, shape or form.  

"I love him as when I shut my mind to the above he's my best friend. He's funny, intelligent and he's been my sidekick for 20 years. I just don't know what to do."........Ask yourself, does a "true friend" lie and cheat on you?  What he is doing to you isn't funny nor is his behavior intelligent.  

What you should do........?   You should definitely open up the idea of therapy whether it be with him or not and get a professional's point of view BEFORE making any permanent, solid decisions in regards to your marriage.    

Think long and hard about this and what YOU want out of this marriage.  

All the best.

[Adventuress]

Hi Claire. What a dilemma you are facing!!  You don't want to lose your best friend n someone you have been through so much if your life with. Totally understandable and I feel for you. From what you've said tho he is not treating you as best friend. Love is a two-way street. If he will not take care of you properly and is choosing to give this young woman higher priority and being deceitful about their relationship even now that you know about her, albeit a sketchy situation, then you have a lot of soul searching to do to come to some kind of conclusion that will get you in a better place. If he is not wanting to do right by you I would suggest a trial separation and/or counseling together. If he does not see that he is doing you harm and just wants to be completely selfish then his ability to love is broken at this time it seems. If he finds that he may lose you be could possibly see the error of his ways. I'm afraid there's no easy answer. Be strong and brave but also allow yourself to feel the gamut of emotions you'll undoubtedly have while dealing with this crisis. Pain and struggle can lead to personal growth but we all know its a difficult path to be on. Please take care of yourself so that you can weather this storm w/o letting it break you down. Here's a cyber hug.