Do I confront him

[gidget426]

Need advice. I have an issue with my very best friend. It is like she is another person. She and her ex husband always hung out with my husband and I. Ten years ago they divorced b/c he had carried on a 2 year affair with her cousin. We were all shocked. We did not see any sign of it until the last month when she and I started to think he was cheating but had no clue with whom. She was DEVASTATED to say the least. I recall sitting on the sofa with her head in my lap as she lay there sobbing. She had four children ranging from the age of four months to 9 years old. Then 7 years ago when my husband and I were going through marital issues, she was there for not only me but him also. He was carrying on an inappropriate emotional relationship with a co worker. She encouraged me, let me vent, even went to him in a loving way but let him verbally have it lol, and he even would talk to her when he did not know what to do or how to handle my emotional condition. Well, four years ago she met and married a nice man. I admit in the beginning I was not to sure how their relationship would play out bc he was totally different then our group of friends. He was a video game freak. Star wars fanatic,etc. His job is in I.T. But once we got to know him we all fell for him. He too was divorced with one child. They now have a 2 year old baby. But she came to me a week ago and told me she is considering having an affair. She told me she knows where I stand on the issue and was ready for a verbal beat down but felt she couldn't hide it from me. I told her she was wrong, that i still loved her no matter what, but instead of cheating be honest with your husband. She said he is not the man she married. He is lazy, can't make a decision, is so analytical that you can't have a normal conversation with him ( that part is true) and she has no desire to seek counsel or even work it out. My hear breaks for him. He knows something is not right, he even accused her of having an affair ( she is not but very close) I told her she knows what it feels like so why on earth would she do it. She said because she is tired of pleasing everyone else and getting hurt it is about her know. Honestly I am pi$$ed. Here is the kicker. I found out it is my husbands best buddy that she is flirting with the notion. His back story, was married ( he and his wife hung out with all of us and when my friend and her husband divorced, he sided with the husband ( go figure) and would have nothing to do with my friend for awhile). Well 6 years ago  his wife found out he was cheating on her with a coworker. So she left him and married his Best Friend. He came to my husband and I all upset, tried to do all he could to get her back ( did not know that we knew he cheated) until she got married. He has now been dating another woman for 3 years. She and I have become friends. Her son is a team mate of one of my boys and we do a lot together.  When I told my friend he was still with his gf she said no he said they broke up. LIE they were just with us last weekend. My friend has shown me the text messages they have exchanged.

We are hosting a party tomorrow night and my husband asked me why i did not invite his friend. I told him why and how angry i am with both of them but what gets me is she is married and he knows it. She is wrong too but she knows how i feel. I asked my husband to speak with him and he said no way he is staying out of it. It is eating me up inside and honestly it is bringing back a lot of emotion concerning my situation.

[Nighthawk61]

If i was close to a guy that was cheating, i would say something, or not, depending on how i felt. I wouldn't put myself out there if i thought it would cause me any serious unrest. You're situation is complex and we can't know all the ins and outs of it.

I think it's right that you are and not invite adults that were not able to enjoy themselves, together , at a party , especially if all of our kids were involved. Frankly, they might even appreciate been given a break from the stress. They should be spending that time on getting their own stuff sorted out.

Sorry to hear your friends are causing you grief. Hopefully everybody involved will find their true place in this world. It's sad when our friends are not truly happy and as settled as we'd wish and pray for them.

You're doin' good girl. Trust yourself, you have good instincts.

[Londres70]

I said I "hope" you won't tell NOT that you will tell as I am not there and I don't know what you will do.

If this is causing so much discord and stress why deal with these people?  Why not put the relationships on temporary hold until you can really figure things out and do what's best for you?  If you and your husband's convictions are so strong about this then why even continue the friendships?  Dealbreakers apply to romantic relationships and platonic relationships.  

Again, distance yourself from the situation and stay out of it.  Tell your friend you don't want to discuss the issue and you don't want to be involved in ANY way.  AGAIN................make boundaries if you want to keep the relationship. It is possible to be her friends and have boundaries in regards to this.  DO NOT confront your husband's best friend period as you will just matters worse.  If you let him know you know then you risk the possibility of him pressuring you not to tell and your female friend might follow suite.  Unless you are a counselor you can't do anything for them.  

Find more uplifting and drama-free people to interact with because hon life is too short.  

[gidget426]

First of all, I did not say I would tell their significant others, I was considering confronting my husbands buddy, who I actually grew up with, was best friends with his sister in high school and have always been like a big sister to him, secondly I will not have them both in my home at the same time knowing what I do bc my husband and I agree she would see that as me condoning what is going on. I did not invite her and her husband bc we are having 20 other people and the tension between this couple is intense. We went to a basketball game with them two weeks ago and not only my husband and I but their teenage children were very uncomfortable, the car ride was intense. I do not want that atmosphere in my home while we are watching my sons team play in the big tourney. I can't invite Him bc I can't trust myself not to be rude to him.  I was once in the position of his girlfriend, but as a wife, it is heart breaking and he knows it's wrong. He knows something is up. His gf and I are spending Saturday together bc our boys are in a 3 on 3 tournament. I will not even talk about it with her but he texted me and asked me if I was going and if I had spoken to C ( my friend) today ( yesterday) . My husband did call him last night and spoke with him in a nonchalant way about the situation. Did not come out and tell him we know it's him but did suggest having a bunch of guys over Sunday for card game on her husbands night off bc he is stressed and needs a guys night. We will see

[Nighthawk61]

There are consequences to a person's actions, and i'm sure that they'll figure out why you'd be uncomfortable inviting them. No worries. You don't have to anything other than perhaps, you feel uncomfortable talking about why, you'd just rather not get into it. That's your right. Have fun with the kids.

[Londres70]

Oh my, what kind of friends do you keep? Sounds like nothing but drama and trouble PLUS no one is faithful to one another, so why do want involvement in this would be my question to you?  You might want to reconsider your friends.

Did these people ask for your intervention?

I think you need to back away from this; stay out of it.  These people are supposed to be adults, so let them handle this.  And NO, you shouldn't confront him.  All you would be doing is perpetuating the drama and putting yourself in the eye of the storm so to speak.  Do you want that for youself?  You cannot FIX this.

If they are coming to you with these heavy and convoluted situations and you want to help then I would suggest you direct them to a therapist as you aren't one and ONLY a professional should be helping them sort this nonsense out.

[gidget426]

Thanks. Yes, seems like we live in an area where no one stays faithful except a few. I'm just not sure how to handle the questions from their significant others when they ask why we do not invite them to our monthly get together and sporting events.

[gidget426]

You're right. Unfortunately seems like most of our group of friends are divorced. I told my friend today I just couldn't support her and that it was causing me distress. My husband and I have decided not to invite either couple to our A10 party tomorrow but  my son will still invite his friends ( 1 her son other son of guys girlfriend.) I do not expect any questions from her seeing I upset her today but I do not know what to say to her husband or to girlfriend of the man if they ask why they were not invited.

[Londres70]

Don't say anything.  Maybe they won't ask; maybe they don't care about not being invited.  Really not sure why you didn't invite them in the first place because now you have drawn yourself into a position where you may be questioned.  You probably should of just carried on as business as usual.  Just tell them you forgot to invite them to spare their significant others.  How your husband chooses to deal with this is up to him, not you.

I know you don't approve of what your friend and your husband's friend are doing, but if you really value your friendship instead of getting mad and not inviting her to this get-together why not set boundaries with her?  

They are two grown-ups and what they decide to do you won't and can't stop and I would let the two of them know you don't want any part in this.  If you start acting super distant and different of course their significant others will want to know what is going on.  I hope you don't decide to tell them what you know and shatter two relationships.