Do you think it is abuse, or my fault?

[Lauriea]

Ok, here it is in a nutshell. I have been taking Tramadol on/off for a number of years now and admit to having a bad addiction to it. I am in recovery right now and doing pretty well. I've been clean for a month & a week. Anyway, my live-in-boyfriend, who I consider my common-law husband has been so cold to me. He told me straight up that he DOES not feel any kind of lust for me anymore, because of all the stuff I have done, like lying & being a drug addict. He won't hug me, kiss me or anything. I am so starved for affection that I am going nuts. I gave him an all-over massage this afternoon, hoping it would loosen him up a bit, but when I tried seducing him, he got up & quickly got dressed and said, "Are you serious? You really could do this and forget about all the stuff you've done to me?" "I don't feel that way at all." I felt very, very sad after that & went to the bathroom, locked the door and cried for a good while. It hurt my feelings, something fierce. THEN, he told me earlier that he didn't like my hair color AND I need to start taking care of myself & loose weight. I think I just basically don't turn him on anymore. I am not sure if he even loves me anymore. It didn't help that I had a huge seizure last weekend. I think he is grossed out by me, because of all the medical problems I've had. I have tried fixing myself up, dressing nice (I'm not that overweight) and fixing my makeup, but nothing seems to help. I think I've lost his attention and I am so scared he is going to leave me. I asked him, "Why are you still with me, then?" He got very angry and said, "Are you stupid or something? You think I could just leave after being with your dumb *** for over 6 years?" Lately, that is all I hear. I am stupid, dumb, need to lose weight (although, he never tells me I am fat), and a wimp, liar, etc. He has a lot of anger issues. Although, when I had the seizure, it scared the crap out of him and he was crying. That made me think he does still care. I know it is my fault, because I had a really bad problem with the drugs, but....I am in recovery now and am clean & trying really, really hard to change & get my life in order. He doesn't give me any credit. I feel so, so, so rejected & unloved. I don't know what to do or think anymore. When we first got together, we were wild! Now, that steam is completely gone and he won't even kiss me goodnight. We also do not sleep in the same room. He ALWAYS sleeps in the living room on the futon and I sleep in the bedroom. I know he has always had insomnia, but he used to come to bed eventually. Now, he doesn't come at all. When I tell you all that there is NO AFFECTION, I am not exaggerating. Sad in Austin......

[specialmom]

I had asked about the sincere apology (minus the "but I's") because sometimes the pain caused is terrible and the addicted partner kind of glosses over it after treatment.  That is why most treatment programs make a huge deal out of the process of hearing what you did from the wounded party.  

But it sounds like you did that.  And what stinks is that this is a time to be so very thankful as you did that very hard job of getting clean.  Instead, you are in a place where you feel less loved than ever.  

When you say is it abuse or my fault?  I think a little of both but more one than the other.  I do think that he is angry and heck, you probably gave him reason to be and it is taking him a long time to get over it.  But his behavior to you is unacceptable.  And I fear that this may interfere with sobriety.   don't let it----  DON"T LET IT.

Can you go?  Do you have the means to support yourself and somewhere to actually go?  Is leaving something you are ready to do?  I ask because somethings are easier said than done.  I would sit him down for a heart to heart.  Tell him that while he says he can't leave now because he's been with you X amt of time and loves you (???)  that you CAN'T live with someone who is cold to you and hurtful.  That if he loves you he must show it.  That you will not tolerate any comments about weight, hair, clothes, house, etc.  That you are ready to start over for a new phase to your relationship----  if he'll forgive you for your addiction and what happened with it ----  that you will forgive him for being such a jerk.  And start fresh.  If he isn't interested in that----  then I think you will have to move on.   Get a plan together of what you will need to move on in life (job, place to stay, starter money, etc.).  I do wish you the best as this is really hard.  Again, congratulations of sobriety.  Now make the kind of life for yourself you want!!!  Good luck.

[jwhiii3]

You should be so proud of yourself for beating your addiction.  I know that it is so hard not only from a mental aspect but physically as well.

Now, your not so common in law husband...get rid of him, seriously.  People who love each other support each other regardless of what happened.  HE should be the one telling YOU how proud he is of you! Supporting your decision.  Helping you cope.  I myself have seizures now and again and my spouse worries endlessly about me.

You deserve someone who will recognize you for who you are and how special you are.  Start a new life, you kicked one habit now kick another.

[Lauriea]

Yes, I know I did a lot of lying when I was addicted, but.....I also helped support him for YEARS when he didn't have a regular job (he is a salesman, with no steady paycheck, just commission now & then). I've said I am sorry till I am blue in the face. I've cried & begged him for forgiveness. I didn't ever steal, or do anything wrong, except get addicted to tramadol. This past weekend, he hasn't even acknowledged me at all. I've basically been in a one-bedroom apartment, with a man, who won't look or talk to me at all. It is horrible. I feel very sad & depressed. He gets SO ANGRY at me. I told him he should leave and he keeps saying, "HOW THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO LEAVE, WHEN I'VE BEEN WITH YOU OVER 6 YEARS AND I LOVE YOU!" Then, he proceeds to call me a stupid A** B*TCH. Now, all of a sudden, he has been commenting a lot that I've been eating too much. WTF? He is the one that eats all the time. He is overweight too and of course, I never say anything. I just feel so unloved. Yes, I know I was addicted, but I wasn't doing it on purpose. He can't seem to get over the anger. He isn't going to go to any counseling with me. He is very "close-minded" when it comes to mental health. He is from a border town and people don't seem to think that addiction has anything to do with mental health. In other words, he is going to expect me to just conform to his anger & hostility. I mean, even outsiders can tell he is angry with me. He's been the biggest jerk to me and I feel very, very sad because of it. He used to love me a lot. I've apologized to the point of being on my knees trying to beg & cry. He just calls me a stupid a** and a dumb, B*TCH! End of story!

[Judy246]

Also, you have shown such courage in facing your problems that he will become a stumbling block for you. You need love, support and encouragement on how you sought out counseling, treatment and now need support to continue to say in the right direction. It's time to re-evaluate this relationship that will only cause a set back on your emotions and healt. If he is willing to go to counseling, that's great and show how much he loves you, but if he doesn't and continues to mistreat you, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. Good luck and were very proud of your accomplishment! Judy

[jo929]

First let me say its great that you are not addicted, and were strong enough to get off of it, now you need to be strong again, and tell this man you have lived with  without benifits of marriage just how the cow eats the cabbage !st tell him that you are human being and will not tolerate hios abuse, tell him that if he continues to get his ------ out, or you should leave he will just get worse, and eventually there will be nothing left of this so called relationship, this is no way to live you are a better person and desrve better   luck  jo

[specialmom]

I also want to say that your boyfriend should not be talking to you like that either.  He does sound very angry with you but by belittling you and being nasty-----  he helps nothing.  My above post is the first step and if you go to couples counseling----  you can address the cruel way he speaks to you. That is, of course, not your fault.   Good luck!

[specialmom]

Hi,  congratulations on getting clean and sober----  that is hard work!!!

Did your recovery program have anything for loved ones to participate in?  I ask because a key component to recovery is HEARING all of the things you did that hurt your loved one while you were addicted.  They have to have the opportunity (and in treatment it is usually public in a group) to tell you the things you did that offended and upset them.  You have to hear it and own it for the relationship to move forward.  You have to humbly apologize and take resonsibility or that deep down anger won't ever go away.  This is important for YOUR recovery too and that is why it is usually part of a in house treatment program.  

Addiction is very hard on everyone around you.  He has probably been so angry with you he wanted to leave and he hasn't.  That is a good thing.  There is hope.  But I would take care of business and do the hard work of hearing him out for what it was like living with you and say your sorry and mean it.  (also, if he was codependent and did some of those unconscious behaviors that help someone stay addicted, then he may need some help too.  al-anon programs)  Counseling would benefit you both as a couple.  It will be hard to hear----  I'm sure.  And I'm sure he isn't an angel in the relationship either.  But counseling will address all avenues.  Good luck and DO  NOT let this affect your sobriety!!  Again----  yeah for you on that!

[Judy246]

What  you have is a dysfunction now verbally abusive b/f. Let me make it clear that he is not your husband, because you are neither civilly married or taken sacred vow of marriage, so he can easily walk out on you if he want to.

What ever has happen in the past has damaged the relationship and him emotionally and he can't respond to you, because he is probably angry, resentful, fustrated and probably wants out, but doesn't want to hurt you. He cares about you and loves you, but probably no longer "in" love with you.

I commend you that you are on the right track with yourself and health, which is the most important step, but damanged done and don't expect any effection anytime soon.

Ask him, what can you do to make things right again? This shows concern, because you need damage control for whatever has happened in the past and recommend a counselor to help address any issues and problems in the relationship, but to be honest, I feel it's a matter of time that he is going to leave you.