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Engaged but unsure about Marriage
I am really unsure about getting married after a few recent experiences with my girlfriend. We have been together for almost 2 years and have been engaged almost 4 months now. There have been a few times over the years where her behavior and attitude have given me pause for thought, but now there are things that really have me wondering about whether I can go through with marrying her.
She confided to me early on that she has a troubled past with relationships and has a history of using men for her own aims. She said she would cheat on boyfriends and was very untrustworthy in other areas of her life. She said the last few years have changed her for the better but I've noticed she doesn't have any long-term friendships that are really close. I can count almost 10 friends who will no longer speak to her though she tends to blame them for the problems. Also, a person she said for years was "just a friend" I've just learned was an old boyfriend she cheated on and who she keeps in contact with and has even spent time with once and awhile over the past few years.
For now, she has become more critical of me recently, started to refuse to socialize with some of my friends and even now won't attend some of my family's gatherings. In some ways I feel like I'm being cut off from my life, my work, my friends, just to keep her happy. She started out very cheery and happy in our relationship but lately seems very depressed and angry. For example, she won't even go into some stores in our local mall because when staff ask if they can help her out more than 2 or 3 times it pisses her off. Why this seems to anger her I don't understand.
We both are planning on moving into the city after we get married to be closer to work, as she said she's hated the suburbs where we currently live. But again when we are now looking at places in the city, the place she says she wants to be above all else, she seems like even this isn't enough. I've tried to be supportive and open-minded but I'm not sure I can go much further given how she's been acting. She's coming across as very needy and almost unstable but when I try to discuss things she shuts me out like I'm the problem. She'll actually redirect things toward me as I'm the cause or root issue. I'm not perfect at all I admit so I do share some of this but I'm often at a loss for words or ideas to go further. Please know she isn't like this all the time, but it's just happening too frequently and I'm having a hard time trusting her now given all that's happened. We plan on a spring wedding but if things keep going this way I don't think I can go through with it. What else can I do?
She confided to me early on that she has a troubled past with relationships and has a history of using men for her own aims. She said she would cheat on boyfriends and was very untrustworthy in other areas of her life. She said the last few years have changed her for the better but I've noticed she doesn't have any long-term friendships that are really close. I can count almost 10 friends who will no longer speak to her though she tends to blame them for the problems. Also, a person she said for years was "just a friend" I've just learned was an old boyfriend she cheated on and who she keeps in contact with and has even spent time with once and awhile over the past few years.
For now, she has become more critical of me recently, started to refuse to socialize with some of my friends and even now won't attend some of my family's gatherings. In some ways I feel like I'm being cut off from my life, my work, my friends, just to keep her happy. She started out very cheery and happy in our relationship but lately seems very depressed and angry. For example, she won't even go into some stores in our local mall because when staff ask if they can help her out more than 2 or 3 times it pisses her off. Why this seems to anger her I don't understand.
We both are planning on moving into the city after we get married to be closer to work, as she said she's hated the suburbs where we currently live. But again when we are now looking at places in the city, the place she says she wants to be above all else, she seems like even this isn't enough. I've tried to be supportive and open-minded but I'm not sure I can go much further given how she's been acting. She's coming across as very needy and almost unstable but when I try to discuss things she shuts me out like I'm the problem. She'll actually redirect things toward me as I'm the cause or root issue. I'm not perfect at all I admit so I do share some of this but I'm often at a loss for words or ideas to go further. Please know she isn't like this all the time, but it's just happening too frequently and I'm having a hard time trusting her now given all that's happened. We plan on a spring wedding but if things keep going this way I don't think I can go through with it. What else can I do?
I actually think counseling prior to marriage could save a lot of couples. I think that it could either work through issues prior to the actual commitment or it can let people know that perhaps it's best to walk away from each other. I think it could benefit you both to go to counseling. I always think if a person doesn't have any good friends it's for a specific reason. They must not be the easiest person to get a long with. She sounds like she has a borderline personality disorder. I would seriously look into that. She may have issues that you yourself can not help her with and she has to get the help on her own. I would put the wedding on hold until you are sure this relationship could withstand the test of time. Marriage makes a relationship harder. I agree, be careful.
The red flags are all over the place, but she has also been honest with you and telling you what has happened in the past. If you are having doubts now, when you get married, it can get worst. I would put the wedding on hold until you talk to her about your concerns in a manner that will be effective and not escalate into an argument.
Communication and trust are key to all relationships, and you should feel comfortable approaching her to discuss your concerns and clarify every single question that you both should have for each other. The thought of recommending a counselor to a couple that is engage and not married yet, scares me! (I'm also engaged), but if she is willing to simply sit down with you and discuss her moods and behaviors and any other questions she has for you, it's a start. Don't get married if you have doubts. That is your inner "guardian angel" warning you that someting is wrong and needs to be addressed, before making a move and regretting it for the rest of you life....proceed with caution..Judy
Communication and trust are key to all relationships, and you should feel comfortable approaching her to discuss your concerns and clarify every single question that you both should have for each other. The thought of recommending a counselor to a couple that is engage and not married yet, scares me! (I'm also engaged), but if she is willing to simply sit down with you and discuss her moods and behaviors and any other questions she has for you, it's a start. Don't get married if you have doubts. That is your inner "guardian angel" warning you that someting is wrong and needs to be addressed, before making a move and regretting it for the rest of you life....proceed with caution..Judy
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