Aa
Is it an Unhealthy Parent connection
The following question is a sore spot in my marriage, and I seek an outside view of the following:
I have been married many years and have a spouse who yearns to live elsewhere in the country.
When we married, he agreed to live in my hometown area as I was raised close-knit with my mom and siblings. Had he not agreed, I wouldn't have married him as it was a major factor in my roots to be near siblings and parents and culture to look after elder parents. This as I feared has caused major distress for my spouse now in the last 3 years as change is desired but not on my behalf.
Staying close to family was instilled in my brain since I was a child by mother and siblings. I was the youngest of 10. I really want to make my spouse happy, but I have such guilt when my mom or brother get stressed and alarmed that I even consider moving 2 hours away much less many states away as my spouse desires. I don't think it's healthy of me to feel this way, but in my culture this is how i was raised. My spouse is resentful toward my parents over this, etc...
Question: Is it healthy for elderly parents to ask me to not move away until they are no longer living despite the fact that 6 other siblings live within 10-20 minutes away from them? I have no children and a sense of having a fulfilling life with my spouse is beginning to take over, but I can't shake the guilt of moving away...What is wrong with this picture?
p.s. my spouse has unhappily lived 10 years in my hometown to please me, which in turn pleases my siblings and parents
any enlightenment appreciated.
I have been married many years and have a spouse who yearns to live elsewhere in the country.
When we married, he agreed to live in my hometown area as I was raised close-knit with my mom and siblings. Had he not agreed, I wouldn't have married him as it was a major factor in my roots to be near siblings and parents and culture to look after elder parents. This as I feared has caused major distress for my spouse now in the last 3 years as change is desired but not on my behalf.
Staying close to family was instilled in my brain since I was a child by mother and siblings. I was the youngest of 10. I really want to make my spouse happy, but I have such guilt when my mom or brother get stressed and alarmed that I even consider moving 2 hours away much less many states away as my spouse desires. I don't think it's healthy of me to feel this way, but in my culture this is how i was raised. My spouse is resentful toward my parents over this, etc...
Question: Is it healthy for elderly parents to ask me to not move away until they are no longer living despite the fact that 6 other siblings live within 10-20 minutes away from them? I have no children and a sense of having a fulfilling life with my spouse is beginning to take over, but I can't shake the guilt of moving away...What is wrong with this picture?
p.s. my spouse has unhappily lived 10 years in my hometown to please me, which in turn pleases my siblings and parents
any enlightenment appreciated.
Slowhealer and Cosmogal -
I appreciate you sharing your experiences. It is very helpful to me as I work through this turmoil within my own heart. We are going to try to do the 2 home situation though my hubby is resentful about that, but that's our compromise. I am willing to do that for the moment and see how that works out for us financially. I haven't even dared broach the subject with my mother other than lightly, and her response was don't move away until I am gone. Always stay close to your family for manyr reasons.
For years I couldn't see the entire picture of the sacrifice my spouse has made to accomodate, but slowhealer your insight is eye-opening for me, thank you!
I appreciate you sharing your experiences. It is very helpful to me as I work through this turmoil within my own heart. We are going to try to do the 2 home situation though my hubby is resentful about that, but that's our compromise. I am willing to do that for the moment and see how that works out for us financially. I haven't even dared broach the subject with my mother other than lightly, and her response was don't move away until I am gone. Always stay close to your family for manyr reasons.
For years I couldn't see the entire picture of the sacrifice my spouse has made to accomodate, but slowhealer your insight is eye-opening for me, thank you!
Now that I read your second letter I can understand what you are going through. I live life with asking myself if I will regret it. I think you and your husband need to have some counseling and see where that would lead you. Knowing how difficult it would be for you if you left I think that is important decision that you and your husband have to make with an impartial person. Have you discussed this with any of your siblings? My husband is 1500 miles away from his family and they are not all well. I can tell you this is that he is the last to know about everything. It has been hard on him from time to time but other than that he has adjusted and I think it really has prepared him to deal with things because he has been so independent from them. I know that years ago I am sure when you made the decision to stay in your hometown your parents were really healthy as was my husbands when we decided to move. One suggestion if you are able is to keep 2 homes, One for the summer and one for the winter. If that is not feasable you may consider buying an RV to Travel in where you can stay for extended periods. Marriage is an art of compromise and it seems that it is time for that. Good luck to you!
Paula
Paula
Cheers, anxiousmomtobe.
Your parents had an opportunity to put each other first, make a life for themselves, and raise wonderful children. Why wouldn't you deserve that as well?
If you're feeling guilty and reluctant to try leaving, try telling your parents that you need to know they are happy for you, and will be happy for you if you make this change. It sounds like you are worried about abandoning them. Ask them if they will feel abandoned if you move away. It is up to you whether or not you can handle their answer. If they are mature and want what's best for you, then your happiness and your marriage will come first.
For the record, I have been with a young man (24) who comes from a family similar to yours, and I applaud your husband for accommodating you so much. My relationship ended horribly because in the end, it was not my dream to live with his parents and take care of them for the rest of their lives. I would not do that again. I hope that you appreciate your husband for the sacrifices he's made, and in turn honour what you two have together. Good luck.
Your parents had an opportunity to put each other first, make a life for themselves, and raise wonderful children. Why wouldn't you deserve that as well?
If you're feeling guilty and reluctant to try leaving, try telling your parents that you need to know they are happy for you, and will be happy for you if you make this change. It sounds like you are worried about abandoning them. Ask them if they will feel abandoned if you move away. It is up to you whether or not you can handle their answer. If they are mature and want what's best for you, then your happiness and your marriage will come first.
For the record, I have been with a young man (24) who comes from a family similar to yours, and I applaud your husband for accommodating you so much. My relationship ended horribly because in the end, it was not my dream to live with his parents and take care of them for the rest of their lives. I would not do that again. I hope that you appreciate your husband for the sacrifices he's made, and in turn honour what you two have together. Good luck.
Your marriage is your first priority. You husband gave ten years to your family and now it is time for you to put him first.
Your parents are being unreasonable.
Your parents are being unreasonable.
Hi,
When I checked my post right now, I saw your post and thought I had sent myself replies, LOL.
Anyway, I didn't know there was a similar name already. I just thought of my favorite seinfield character "cosmo" kramer, and the rest was history.
As for the moving, thank you for your insight. I take it you had a similar experience? I do fear change, but I mostly dread seeing the sad and questioning eyes of my mother and brother (who have health issues) I know that for them is why I stay. I love my siblings, but they have grandchildren and have full lives to lead and most likely would get used to it. My mother is in her eighties and has health issues, and I would feel so guilty if something happened to her while I was living out of state. Oddly, I feel I would be resentful towards my spouse for taking me away, so to speak.
I believe if I am closer she is not worried and is happy. I am a pleaser with my family and the "good girl."
Valerie and Lorielle, you both make sense. I do need to put my marriage first. This is something I have not for quite sometime in regards to this. The trick is shaking this guilt and fear I have of leaving them behind. I am attached as you can tell. I appreciate all your sight
When I checked my post right now, I saw your post and thought I had sent myself replies, LOL.
Anyway, I didn't know there was a similar name already. I just thought of my favorite seinfield character "cosmo" kramer, and the rest was history.
As for the moving, thank you for your insight. I take it you had a similar experience? I do fear change, but I mostly dread seeing the sad and questioning eyes of my mother and brother (who have health issues) I know that for them is why I stay. I love my siblings, but they have grandchildren and have full lives to lead and most likely would get used to it. My mother is in her eighties and has health issues, and I would feel so guilty if something happened to her while I was living out of state. Oddly, I feel I would be resentful towards my spouse for taking me away, so to speak.
I believe if I am closer she is not worried and is happy. I am a pleaser with my family and the "good girl."
Valerie and Lorielle, you both make sense. I do need to put my marriage first. This is something I have not for quite sometime in regards to this. The trick is shaking this guilt and fear I have of leaving them behind. I am attached as you can tell. I appreciate all your sight
PS: How did come up with your name, since we are so close in name it freaked me out when I posted! I am a cosmetologist so that is why mine is cosmogal.
Yep I agree! You cannot live for them only. I mean it sounds to me like you are the one who may have more of an issue with moving then they would. Do you think you would be happy of you moved? Do you think you could compromise a bit? Would you be able to visit often? Before you make any choices you need to have a plan of action and if would actually be a good move or not. Make a plan to visit where your husband wants to live and see if you would be able to find work and afford to make the change. Maybe start out slow by vacationing in that area? Can you keep two homes or at least have a place to stay long term if family needs you. There are ways you can have your cake and eat it too. You just have to find that balance and your family will actually be okay if you move, life does go on. Change is hard for all involved. I have done it and it has been hard but also rewarding. Good luck!
Paula
Paula
I agree. Maybe you need to put your marriage first now. You can visit your family and you can call them often. As long as you know they will be cared for by your siblings if need be, you can go be with your husband and get away for just the two of you.
I know ur parents love u and wan to be near u..but thay dont have the right to make u fill bad about moveing....ur husband has donr what u want for 10 yrs out of love for u....maby it is time to make him happy....just becuse u move away dose not mean u dont love or dont want to be aroun ur parents..sometime we have to make sacrifices for those we love..and ur husband has mad a lot for u..it is time u live ur life for u and ur dh...
Good Luck!!!! Valerie
Good Luck!!!! Valerie
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
