Father/Daughter relationships - How close is too close?

[crystalmichelle]

My boyfriend is divorced and his 10 year old daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend; During the summer she stays for longer periods of time.  Before I moved in and a few months after my boyfriend would allow his daughter to sleep in his bed and if I fell asleep in our bed he would sleep with her downstairs in her bed.  This bothered me so I asked him to please give her structure in our home and I asked for 2 things: 1) SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A BED TIME and be consistent with putting her to bed at that time. 2) DO NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND/OR LAY WITH HER INAPPROPRIATELY. These 2 issues bother me enough that I consider leaving.  My boyfriend does not see the importance in having a bed time for a child.  In his mind its the weekend so who cares how late she stays up.  He says that he does not get to spend that much time with her so every hour counts.  I agree with this just not when the child is staying up until 3-4am.  During this time she will scream out daddy! daddy! daddy! telling him she is sick, cold, thirsty, or scared. He runs to her every time she screams for him even if it causes us both to get 3-4 hours of sleep.  She used to crawl into our room and stand above her dad until he woke up.  I think there needs to be structure and when 9:30 on weekdays and 11pm on weekends rolls around then it is lights out and time to go to bed.  I don't think this is time for one more t.v. show or a bike ride then THINK about getting ready for bed.  Or the daughter negotiating on a bed time. Am I being to harsh on expecting a bed time and the bed time not include my boyfriend sleeping with her until she falls asleep?  I work late nights so I came home one night to see him spooning his daughter.  I know there is not sexual abuse but it is weird and freaks me out knowing he lays with her the same way he lays with me.  I am a strong individual and was raised by a mother and father who showered me with love and I never once saw anything like this.  When we take naps he will lay on the couch with her either infront of him stretched out or she will lay behind him with her arms around him and sometimes her legs wrapped over his.  She will lay her head on his lap near his package when watching t.v. as he strokes her arms, hair, and back to relax her.  He took her to drive his car and sat her on his lap which I feel she is way too old to be sitting on her dad that way.  When they play around she has put her crotch in his face to hold him down and she slaps his butt.  She has her body pressed all over his and I feel this is not right for a child who is approaching puberty.  When ever I show some affection she will try to duplicate it and that is why I try not to be too affectionate towards him infront of her. Simple things such as holding hands or hugging. I will ask for a neck massage which includes oil before I go to work sometimes and if she is there she will continuously say "me next" "me next" until he is finished with mine.  I personally feel weirded out by him putting oil all over neck and back since she has to pull her shirt up for him to do it.  I just don't like it!  My mom rubs my neck all the time but I feel there is a difference in the way my mom is allowed to touch me and the way my dad touches me.  I was laying on the couch with him one afternoon and I saw his daughter come out of her room and then all of a sudden she saw us laying on the couch so she dropped to the floor and crawled back in her room thinking no one saw her.  She then pretended to be sick for 6 hours until I went to work.  I told him that as soon as I went to work she would be fine and sure enough, as soon as I went to work she was cured from her sickness!  He does not see the manipulation that she pulls on him!  I need to know if I am freaking out when I see them laying all over each other for no reason or am I the one who is in the wrong for asking these things from him?  Am I being to strict when I ask for a bed time? Do I leave if these issues are not corrected.  

[appletreez]

I've read all the posts and it is clearly the case that these grown women are JEALOUS.  Notice all their resentment is towards the child NOT the bf/husband.  If you feel lack of attention or poor relationship with the husband then take it up with him.  You don't get competive with a child. All their competitiveness goes toward the child.  This is sick.  You should never view yourself as a contemporary or competitor with a child.  If you don't think you're husband is giving you the amount of attention you feel you deserve--you take it up with him.  You don't resent the child.  People do awful, evil, things when they are jealous.  And it is truly scary what power a jealous grown women can do to a powerless child.  Children are powerless to adults.  They depend on adults. Receiving attention from their father is not a power over you.  If you view it as that, you need psychological help before you start taking out your resentment onto a child.  Jealousy makes mothers abuse their own children.  It is the grown adult woman who is a spoiled brat if she is fuming with resentment over a child's bond with its own father.  Jealousy of this nature is a natural thing indeed...for CHILDREN!  For siblings.  NOT FOR ADULTS!  Certainly no adult should feel jealous of a child.  Seek help if you fall in this category.  You have a personality disorder.

[stoney1215]

it really saddens me to read a post like yours . you claim to be a strong woman , but you are threatened and jealous of his relationship with his daughter . it also makes me very angry every time a dad , like myself , is thought a molester or depraved person by people who are just sick in their thinking .
i am a father of 3 daughters . i have worked extremely hard to make my daughters feel loved , and secure with their relationship with me . all three of my daughters have slep in the bed with me at various points in their lives . i make it a point to hug them as often as i can . and to show them affection when ever i can .
for a father the worse day in life is the day his little girl no longer feels like it is ok to kiss him on the lips , or sit on his lap and just hug him . i was lucky enough to get to go in the delivery room with my oldest daughter for my first grandchild . her fiance and his family told her how it was wrong and how it was disgusting for her dad to be in there and see her private parts . she made me proud and not only defended her choice , but was absolutely sickened that they would dare say something so vile and disgusting about her dad .
there is no doubt that adults molest kids every day . it is a sad and sick person who can look at a child and see sex . but it is just as sad and just as sick that fathers have to live in fear and be looked at with sickening distrust because of sick criminals . no father can ever possibly look at his little girl and even imagine something so vile and sick .

[specialmom]

Well, he was really clear about his priority and was up front with you.  Little unfair to now have an issue with it in my opinion.  You went into this knowing the situation.  Why did you marry him?  

You've only been married 2 weeks.  If you feel this will cause you displeasure, then yes, I recommend you get out now.

good luck

[hurtconfused650]

I just got married to a 51 yr old man with a 12 yr old daughter who means the world to him.  The daughter is mean to me and appears nice when her dad is around.  He told me that his daughter will always be the priority in the house.  One day i asked him for a movie treat and we ended up watching the movie that his daughter preferred and not the movie i wanted to see and they cuddled   and held hands throughout the movie.  I felt so out of place.  He always hug and kiss his daughter more than he do me. And he tells her more "i love you" than he tells me.  Should i get out of this marriage? We're only married last 2 wks ago.

[specialmom]

I've sent you a pm and honestly, any questions you have about the forum or med help, I'll be happy to help!!  :>)

[RitaBH]

I honestly don't know what you're talking about. I wish there was private mail here like in some social networks, I'm new here, so I don't know. In some funny way, I think we bonded a little, thanks anyway.