Fiance's crazy ex-wife continued

[mami1323]

His little girl loves us and loves spending time with us.  Ever since his ex-wife found out that we were getting married she has made things complicated.  She plays games and starts arguements with my fiance all the time.  She loves to control everything and does things without realizing the effects it has on her daughter.  The latest thing is she accused my fiance of threatening her and went to the police.  Now we had to hire an attorney and go to court.  Meanwhile I was there when she so called accused him and he didn't threaten her.  Not only has this put stress on us financially but emotionally as well, we also haven't been able to see his daughter because we fear that she will try to pull another stunt.  She brain washes this little girl and we are afraid once she finds out that I'm pregnant she will try to do something else.  So we have no choice but to stay away.  My fiance is so sad, he just wants to be a father.  I really don't have a question, I just wanted to let it out because I'm so sad for this little girl and for my fiance.  He is a good father who loves his children.  I feel a void because we cannot share this baby with his daughter and she was looking forward to me getting pregnant.  Anyone with advice I would appreciate it.

[mami1323]

Platelet_Gal:  Yeah it's so sad.  We've come to the realization that this is not going to get any better.  She doesn't think about her daughter at all.  I hate that, especially now that I'm about to be a mom, I could never see myself ever doing that to my child.  To fight for custody would just be another battle.

baby_ontheway: Yes, she tries to control everything and one thing she would control is my fiance with his daughter.  He doesn't want me to go through anymore stress because of this woman and he refuses to have this woman do anything to hurt us anymore.  It is sad for his daughter and we did consider supervised visitation but at this point he's given up because he doesn't want to be in jail because of her crazy accusations.  

[baby_onthe_way]

She sounds nuts.She must not understand she's not with him anymore and perhaps cant handle the fact she cant control him anymore.I'd lose contact with her.It seems he has drug you into something now you being pregnant don't need to be around.It doesnt sound like its going to work out for the little girls sake so either he needs to take her to court to try to get custody or decide on supervised visitations with the child.If he doesnt she could come up with some thing worse and him end up in jail.Is that where you want the father of your child to be?He should try to resolve this with her but it sounds like shes not able to concieve it all.

[PlateletGal]

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in. It is such a shame that this woman is not only causing problems for you & your finance, but more importantly... she is hurting her own child. There are too many people out there that forget that important fact.

Just be sure to DOCUMENT any conversations, etc. with her and make sure you always have a witness present. And when you tell her that you are pregnant, then tell her that you really think it would be in her child's best interest if the fighting stopped. If this woman continues, perhaps your husband should file for full custody ?

[mami1323]

slow_healer: Well unfortunately it is a separate issue, we would have to go to family court and it would be the same judge that always rules in her favor anyway.  At this point my fiance doesn't want to have any contact with his ex and if that means not seeing his daughter that's what he has to do.  I don't want it that way and neither does he but we spent $2,600 on an attorney for this last stunt she pulled and we can't afford to have to go through this again, being that we have a child on the way and really need this money.

anxiousmomtobe: I completely hear you about that.  I used to always talk nice about her mom.  Then her mom was manipulating her daughter by telling her all these lies about her father.  She kept saying oh see if your dad loved you he would call you and always put her daughter on the phone to tell her dad that mommy says that I can't see you anymore if you don't drop me off at this time next time.  Things like that started to bother me.  Her father always had to defend himself and we just don't want her mom telling her lies about why he didn't call his daughter on her birthday.  We always tried hard to keep her out of the problems but his ex-wife always used their daughter as a pawn to hurt him.  It just got to a point where I got sick of it.  Her mom treats that little girl like a friend not like a child.  It's just sad.

[slow_healer]

Glad to hear it went well. How does this ruling leave the situation with the daughter?

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I am glad that it went well.  I truly believe that children need the love of both parents.

I have one word of caution for you (and I have been in a very similar circumstance) telling the little girl that Daddy didn't call because he didn't want mummy to get him in trouble is a BAD idea.  You are putting her in the middle and this will make her feel like she has to choose.  I know that is not your intent. Be the bigger person, say only positive things about her mum.  Otherwise you are hurting this little girl.  I sense you only want good things for her and I know how hard it can be to bite your tongue but someone has to be the hero

[mami1323]

So we went to court today and basically the judge ordered him only like 1 or 2 sessions of anger management and that was it.  They didn't buy her story so she felt so stupid.  It was the best moment.  Now we can move on and not deal with her **** anymore.

[slow_healer]

I hope it is helpful advice :)  Sometimes a person just finds themselves in these situations, and the amount of stress can just consume you (I'm been there, not in your particular shoes, but definitely in sh**ty situations). I hope that your fiance recognizes how taxing this has been on you too (not just him). I suspect he does :)

[slow_healer]

Hmmm, it sounds like she`s just not over your fiance, especially him moving on. If she was afraid of him killing her, why would she initiate so much contact

[slow_healer]

Hey mami, I just wanted to say your fiance should not feel completely lost. If I were him I'd explain to the daughter very kindly that for her sake and everyone else's, he's going to make the fighting stop by avoiding this situation. But to let her know that he still loves her. Send birthday and christmas cards (at least - those involve little to no contact). When she is grown up, she'll be able to make the decisions for herself whether her father was the jerk her mom made him out to be.

I'm really glad to hear how he's managed to stand for himself and his new family.
I think sometimes men have a hard time dealing with these situations simply because they've never expected to be in them. To use a sexist analogy, it can be like us trying to fix the kitchen sink with our partners standing in the background, impatiently waiting for US to take the right approach.

[mami1323]

thank you for the support.  He tries very hard to be a good man and a good father.  We just mailed her a birthday card for her birthday this past Monday but we can't guarantee that the witch gave it to her.  He's explained to her that if he doesn't call her or pick her up that it's only because he doesn't want her mom to get him into trouble.  Then the crazy b*tch had the nerve to send a text message to my mom (fyi, my mom was the third party pick up and contact that my fiance arranged so that he didn't have to be in contact with this woman, this obviously didn't work) saying someone please call her daughter because she sad that no one has called her on her b-day.  So I called and told their daughter that we loved her and that daddy didn't call because he didn't want her mommy to get him into trouble.  She really wanted to talk to him so my mom text messaged the witch telling her to have his daughter call him and he will talk to her.  He didn't want her to have record of him contacting her, cause she may say he is harrassing her.  Guess what she didn't have her daughter call.  She's a real freakin whack job.  No cares about her daughter, that's how we knew it was her playing games.  

[slow_healer]

I believe that some people (man and women both) can be truly selfish and unable to empathize. It sounds like a lot of attention-seeking behavior, like the daughter is the one card she can hold over your fiance`s head. Based on what little you`ve shared, I`d guess this woman harbours HUGE resentment that your fiance is moving on, and then huge resentment AGAIN that her daughter gets more love from him than she does.

In a situation like this, I think only the daughter should be calling (ep if you`re trying to avoid having records). Ignore the mother`s ridiculous demands, as I suspect the more you guys react the more empowered she feels over you. It`s too bad the daughter is so young; I hope she`s fairly mature for her age. If she can understand that she needs to take charge of making the phone calls in her relationship with her father, the relationship stands a good shot.

But don`t give in and don`t let that little girl become objectified as some kind of collateral. If the daughter becomes angry, don`t give up. Situations like these are a lot for a child to take in. As long as she and your fiance have their own understanding, their relationship can survive (and probably thrive as she gets older, as she starts to see her mother`s behavior for what it is).

[mami1323]

You're right, looking back now we shouldn't have called her.  I just feel so bad for that little girl.  It breaks my heart knowing that she can't see her father because of her mothers games.  As always his ex always tells people that she doesn't stop him from seeing his daughter, he chooses to not see her.  Ehem, perhaps because she fights with him every chance she gets and makes his life miserable, why would he want to see his child.  

I believe you're right slow-healer, I think she does resent him from moving forward and becoming something.  Throughout their entire relationship she always called him a loser and that he would never amount to anything.  Looks like she's the one who's amounting to nothing.  She should stop putting so much energy into making him miserable and put it into building up herself.  

Funny thing, her brother is in jail for murdering his son's mother because his son's mother threatened to take his child away from him.  He snapped and killed her.  So because of this she fears that my fiance is going to kill her.  My fiance doesn't even think about her.  He doesn't want to kill her he wants her to just leave him alone.  He's got a new baby, a great job and a lot to look forward to, he certainly wouldn't jeorpardize all of that.  That's how crazy she is to think that way.  

[mami1323]

Well definitely if we win the lottery.  I know it's sad what people do to their children.  Why do they even have them if they are not prepared to raise them?  There are so many women out there that are desperate to have children and then there are the ones who don't know how to be good parents.  This world is so screwed up.

[mami1323]

Thank you....that's what I was thinking exactly.  When there was visitation she would pick up her daughter and drop her off by herself.  If she was sooo afraid of him why would she do that.  He also went to court to order a judge to have a third party drop off be a police precinct just to avoid problems.  Instead the judge says no and gives her an order of protection against my fiance.  What the heck does she need that for?  He doesn't even bother her.  The order of protection should be against her.  So not only does the judge throw on this PO, he still allows the child to be picked up and dropped off by him in direct contact of the woman he issued the PO for.  Does this make sense?  The judge is as crazy as her.  

[slow_healer]

I wonder how many orders of protection are put on women for men. It`s probably a case of the sexist and biased nature of the law. lol, and the judge just wanted both parties to stop bothering him (in your case).

IMO this woman`s behavior is falling into patterns that you can probably change. Reinforce her efforts with your own convictions (you and your fiance together), and get her into the habit of NOT calling or prodding you guys so often. Take that power from her.

You never know how things will turn out. I knew a couple where the man`s ex-wife had the kids. She was pretty unstable (not bothering him like in your case). It finally got to the point where the kids were awarded to the father, which was tough because after not raising them for 10 years he simply didn`t know how to parent them. Something similar might happen to your fiance too. Keep paying the child support, sending those cards, and being responsible. This obtuse system we call `justice` could just as easily swing in your fiance`s direction. Then you two might have a lot more to discuss.

[mami1323]

Well right after their divorce she had him arrested for false allegations, similar to the ones she's doing now.  He had an order of protection put on her.  This was back in 2002, although it isn't valid anymore our attorney thinks that it shows a pattern of this type of behavior towards him.  So much drama right?  Geez, once this is all done with tomorrow she will have no contact with him.  I'm so looking forward to that.  She's going to see me tomorrow and she doesn't know I'm pregnant yet.  I really hope it doesn't fuel the fire and cause her to act out even more.  My guess she will go back to her daughter and tell her the reason why daddy doesn't care about you anymore is because he's going to have a new baby.  The brainwashing continues.  If only his daughter knew that we wanted so very much to share this with her.  

I really do hope that everything works out in our favor.  We don't want to take away his daughter from her mom because she loves her mom, we just don't want her trying to interfere in our lives.  We really wished that she would find someone that she was happy with, this way she wouldn't be so hell bent on making our lives miserable.  

Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate everyone's ears or eyes.  I've held this in for so long and just needed to vent.

[slow_healer]

I'm happy to hear that your fiance does have a chance of the courts treating him fairly. I hope your lawyer can point out the issue behind the 3rd party drop off (why give a PO but then not support the 3rd party idea?)

Hopefully with some of this needless nonsense now off your chest, you'll be able to focus on your family at hand. And keep that woman's role in your life minimized as much as possible.

[mami1323]

Thank you, I hope so to.  I appreciate your advice.

[BearHitch]

I suppose a custody battle would be expensive, but in the case that you win the lottery, you really should consider it.  Not so much for the fact that she will try to turn the girl against him, but also I mean with the things she is saying- there are better ways to put that looks are not the most important thing than that!  So if you win the lottery, I'd consider it!  

You know, there are many people in this world it seems that don't see anything wrong with what they are doing, or if they do, they ignore.  My MIL fits into this category of women who definitely need help!  I know my step-dad does not like her at all, that is for sure, and yes- she does need help.  I see it as she never wanted to be a mom, that's why she left them, and that goes into even now.  I don't understand these type of women because they don't seem to see the effect they are having on their children.  My aunt is one of those moms, and she calls her child names and always bashes their father.  Sometimes I just want to tell her to grow up- its only hurting the kid and not the father when she says those things!  

[mami1323]

Wow, that's crazy.  I can't believe she would say something like that.  That's a lifetime movie just waiting to happen.  Your step-dad must really despise that woman.  She really needs to get some help.  The thing is she probably doesn't think that she's wrong.  They never see that they are messed up in the head.  That's probably why they are messed up in the head.

The custody battle alone would be too expensive and would just cause more problems.  Plus, his daughter loves her mother.  She's too young to see that her mom is a nut job.  That's her mom and all the stuff her mom tells her about her dad one day it will have an affect.  Her mom told her that the reason why mommy and daddy broke up was because daddy kept asking her if she had another boyfriend and she kept denying it so he hit her.  My fiance was like she told you that.  Well she's really is delusional.  If she was a good mother she would of said the reason they broke up was because they just weren't getting along anymore so it was the best thing to do was to split up but they both loved her and were dedicated to being good parents no matter what.  That's something a good, normal parent would have said.  She treats her daughter like a friend not like a daughter.  Their daughter told me that mommy asked her if a guy is ugly but treats you good should you still date him.  What kind of question is that to ask your 10 year old little girl?  First of all make her feel like looks are the most important thing, and second not appropriate to discuss with your child.  Go get a girlfriend to chat with.

[BearHitch]

You know I think that they are so miserable, and they see your fiance's or my step-dad's happiness, and want to make them and theirs just as miserable.  I wouldn't bank on her finding someone else to help the situation... my step-dad's ex remarried a man who brings home bogus money (they both bring home a lot, so its ludacrious to me that my step-dad has to pay them the amount he does), but she told my step-dad one day while dropping off the boys and I quote "I'm just waiting for him to die so I can collect the life insurance."  So now, that's what the youngest says, how he can't wait for that to happen.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if her new husband did end up dead one morning and she had told the younger son to do it with the promise of how much money they'd get.  I understand what you mean about calling her and her twisting it.  Its situations like this that make you so, I don't even know the word, about our divorce rate.  My parents divorced but they are still friends and get along which is such a blessing to us kids.  This woman is too selfish and wrapped up in herself to care about her daughter- can't he try to get custody?

[mami1323]

Thank you so much.  See his son's mother is an awesome woman who I talked to almost everyday.  We talk about how crazy his daughter's mother is and she was even willing to testify against the daughter's mother because she would tell her about how she does things purposely to hurt him.  No one can understand why she wants to do this to him, they have been apart for so long and she's the one who screwed up the relationship with her infidelity.  From my understanding he used to put her up on a pedistol and she used to treat him like ****.  He treats me so good I can only imagine how much nicer he was to her.  He can't even call because she would say that he was harrassing her so he doesn't even want to take the chance in that.  It's really difficult but there's nothing we can do.  She doesn't realize how much she's hurting her daughter.  That's what makes me so mad, forget about my fiance, what about that little girl.  You're taking away her father because of all this anger.  I wish she would find someone else, be happy, and move on.  But thanks again BearHitch.  It's so nice to talk with someone who understands.

[BearHitch]

That is good that he stood up like that.  I can imagine that being a very difficult decision to make and I am not surprised by her response of "what kind of father are you."  Perhaps he could still call them both and talk with them on occassion to make sure the kids don't feel abandoned?  I suggest writing to them but they may never get it  :S  It is good he is sticking by you and the here and now... you'll both need that to stay strong!  Good luck, girl- oh, and congratulations of course on the pregnancy!