telling mommie

[taylorxxx]

I'm not pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I'm 17 going to college in the fall and kinda being forced to live off campus. I am in a program where I take all college classes in a community college so I am learning priorities. Problem is, I can't talk to my mom about relationships. Since I was little she has been overly protective  I have been with my boyfriend for a year and the secrecy has been causing a lot of issues. I know we are both young, but we are smart. We are serious about our future. So much so, his family has already made me a member. I need help to see how I should talk to my mom. She cuts me off everytime and I am ready to leave her out altogether

[Nighthawk61]

You sound like you have a good mom, but one that maybe has a fixed path in mind for her daughter, (maybe from her own experience) or maybe from simple statistics on the likely hood of a young relationship being the first and only. On the other hand, your boyfriends family may believe that getting married young, moving in with them even, and having a child is what they want to see for their son, and therefore you. So if they do find a wonderful young lady such as yourself that might be swayed into their idea of what they want for their son, yes, they will bring you into the "family". But you may not know why or the depth of reasoning. It might even be called "suspect".and very one sided.

I think that you should be honest with your mom. For your sake, because otherwise you are lying, even by omission, it is a lie not to tell her. That's bad for you, bad now, and a bad habit to get into .Unless your mother is totally unreasonable and disallows even casual dating (which could be considered "too much") in this day and age. Especially if you are a responsible girl, that would not allow herself to get pregnant for instance before being able to provide the necessities of life for a child.

Secondly , yes, you're boyfriend deserves to be more to you than a "dirty little secret" in fact, this could harm his formative years.

If his parents are aware that you are lying to your mother, then again, they might be considered suspect. Another adult to promote lying between a girl and her mother, would lend credence to them being only interested in their own agenda. Not good. Maybe what you want to hear, but not good nonetheless.

Getting back to statistics, young marriages, often don't work, because the person that you are prior to becoming an adult, an adult (who has hopefully attended college/university) are two different people. Going to college and being pragmatic enough to put family first, college second, and dating third, are the people that enjoy gaining career prospective, getting married, and then having children, in that order. Those are the happiest of all people, I believe. as do many. Especially most mothers' and fathers.

Unless there is a cultural emphasis to do otherwise. Where maybe a woman's place is expected to be in the home. For that purpose, getting involved, and becoming part of an other family at such an early age, would nont be something that would be frowned upon, but accepted.

I'm not saying that this young man's family has these ideas at all, i'm just saying that they might. Is college important for your boyfriend's family? Are they of the mind that young adults should pursue a career prior to becoming engaged and /or living together, for instance?

You have some big things to think about. That is what becoming a young adult is all about. I'm glad that you are dating, but i'd like to see your emphasis being on being honest with mom, concentrating on your post secondary education, not focusing on sex, but if you do, do so carefully and only after seeing your family physician, (which you can't do yourself at 17 i don't think). and then becoming engaged. Otherwise, dating casually to get to know how a person is growing as a young adult. If after seeing that a boy is growing up to be a honest man, with integrity, one that pursues his education ,then and only then consider him to "be the one".. That takes time. Anything worth having, is worth waiting for.

I know, i've gone on and on, in case though that you might weave through this and hear what your mom might say. It's nothing to be afraid of. (unless it is, and then that's a different story).> but as the ladies have said, it sounds like you have a reasonable mother.. If she catches you lying that might not be the case. Sooner rather than later might be wise.

Keep positng, You're questions matter, We're always here to talk to.

Liz

[Londres70]

These kind of secrets usually do cause problems.  I don't think your bf is enjoying being a secret.  

I would definitely tell her about this guy.  A guy is just that.........a guy. You only have one mother and when she is gone that is it.  You can always get another guy per se.  I would NEVER EVER condone someone to cut the lines of communication from his/her mother completely off unless she was abusive or toxic and she sounds like neither..............more annoying than anything for you.  Maybe she is the way she is because of her own bad experiences, therefore, she is trying to save you from headaches and heartaches?

Are you calm when you try to approach her?  Perhaps it is your approach and/or bad timing? 17 is awfully young to be so serious about someone.  That is probably why she isn't so open to talking about this.

I can tell you if things ever go terrible with this guy you will be wanting your mother there to help you pick up the pieces.

You're 17..........she is an adult and RESPONSIBLE for you.  Keep that in mind.  When you are a grown woman and independent then you can do as you please and ALL consequences are yours.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well sweetie, you only have one mom.  You will probably love a few men in your lifetime.  Occasionally teen romances work out to last long term but statistically, they aren't as solid as when you meet a mate when you are older. The reason is because people do a lot of changing as they come out of their teens and go into 20's and beyond.  You're growing into who you will be.  And so is your boyfriend.  And sometimes a couple will still mesh and sometimes they won't.  

I know it is hard to look at it that way because teens feel the emotions so intensely that it is hard to imagine that it could ever end.  

Anyway, my thoughts are that you do need to tell your mom but also keep this relationship in check.  You are doing important things right now---  college and starting a career.  You should spend times with friends and your own family as much as a boyfriend.  

give your mama the respect she deserves hon.  She will be hurt that you are thinking you are so close to a family of a boyfriend she doesn't even know about.  She may even be able to accuse you of lying if you are fibbing in terms of how you spend your time.  

So, bite the bullet and just tell her. She may not be thrilled and maybe there will be an expectation to stay less serious with him than you have been---  but your mom loves you hon.  More than your boyfriend, his family or anyone on earth.  :>)  I'm a mom.  The love a mom has for their kids is beyond beyond.  

Anyway, that's my advice. Tell her and try to listen to whatever advice she has for you.  good luck