Aa
losing spark?
Hi Everyone,
This is a kind of heavy topic I guess. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we live together now(for 2 1/2 years), its been a lot of ups and down but we seem to work things out. we're good at fighting, and know eachother really well. The problem is, the "spark" is like....gone.
For me at least its gone. I feel like he may feel the same. And now I am wondering if its natural in the course of a relationship to get bored, or lose interest, or grow distant for a time. is that something that can be fixed? I am 7 months pregnant with our first child. We are very excited and maybe this will help bring something new and fun into our lives...
I was hoping maybe people who've been with someone for a while, or married long term, may have some advice. Any advice would be good. Just feeling a little hopeless...
This is a kind of heavy topic I guess. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we live together now(for 2 1/2 years), its been a lot of ups and down but we seem to work things out. we're good at fighting, and know eachother really well. The problem is, the "spark" is like....gone.
For me at least its gone. I feel like he may feel the same. And now I am wondering if its natural in the course of a relationship to get bored, or lose interest, or grow distant for a time. is that something that can be fixed? I am 7 months pregnant with our first child. We are very excited and maybe this will help bring something new and fun into our lives...
I was hoping maybe people who've been with someone for a while, or married long term, may have some advice. Any advice would be good. Just feeling a little hopeless...
First of all, don't make any major life decisions while you are hormonal and about to enter parenthood, that is enough of a stresser.
I agree with the above posters that the spark comes and goes in a relationship. That is natural. There are seasons where I cannot keep my hands off my dh and then there are times of loving, comfortable campionship. I treasure both.
The reality is that you are connected to this man for life through your baby. It will be easier to deal in a relationship than seperated.
The grass may look greener but all relationships have problems and require work. Anything worth having in this life is hard work.
I agree with the above posters that the spark comes and goes in a relationship. That is natural. There are seasons where I cannot keep my hands off my dh and then there are times of loving, comfortable campionship. I treasure both.
The reality is that you are connected to this man for life through your baby. It will be easier to deal in a relationship than seperated.
The grass may look greener but all relationships have problems and require work. Anything worth having in this life is hard work.
Hope fully things will work out for you and him. Now you are going to have a baby and it is alot different when you have a baby. What rockrose said I agree 100% with her.
You've been together for such a long time, so I'm going to assume he's not a jerk.
Have you thought about couples counseling? It sounds to me like the two of you have stopped growing together within the relationship. It wouldn't hurt to try it out - especially since you have a baby on the way.
Have you thought about couples counseling? It sounds to me like the two of you have stopped growing together within the relationship. It wouldn't hurt to try it out - especially since you have a baby on the way.
I think it's completely normal to lose that initial "spark"....nothing to be too concerned about. I think that belief in "romantic love" is a big cause of the dissolutionment our culture has about relationships. It doesn't last. It can't actually.
Things are going to change with the baby on the way, so just make sure that you two leave some time for yourselves. Maybe try showing some interest in what he likes will help you reconnect a bit. Relationships are work, no matter how you look at it. Hang in there. Hope it all works out.
Things are going to change with the baby on the way, so just make sure that you two leave some time for yourselves. Maybe try showing some interest in what he likes will help you reconnect a bit. Relationships are work, no matter how you look at it. Hang in there. Hope it all works out.
Having children shouldn't be used as a hopeful attempt to save a relationship. It doesn't work like that. Hell, I don't even have kids, and I know it doesn't work like that. Kids throw even more stressors into a relationship, not fewer.
Whatever issues the two of you have will continue to be there after this kid is born. This relationship may work out, and it may not. Either way, you're saddled with the kid.
I've never been in a relationship where I "fought a lot" with my partner. It's unimaginable to me, to be honest. If I don't see eye to eye with someone on a majority of stuff we both think is important, I exit the relationship. It's not worth the aggravation, the emotional upheaval, or the stress. Calm relationships that are emotionally centered and stable always worked best for me.
You are going to have your hands full, not only with a child but with this apparently tumultuous relationship in which you yourself say there's no spark. Having a child won't bring the spark back. If anything, it'll exacerbate the problems you already have. Best to work on this stuff now as much as you can so you can hit the ground running when this kid is born.
Whatever issues the two of you have will continue to be there after this kid is born. This relationship may work out, and it may not. Either way, you're saddled with the kid.
I've never been in a relationship where I "fought a lot" with my partner. It's unimaginable to me, to be honest. If I don't see eye to eye with someone on a majority of stuff we both think is important, I exit the relationship. It's not worth the aggravation, the emotional upheaval, or the stress. Calm relationships that are emotionally centered and stable always worked best for me.
You are going to have your hands full, not only with a child but with this apparently tumultuous relationship in which you yourself say there's no spark. Having a child won't bring the spark back. If anything, it'll exacerbate the problems you already have. Best to work on this stuff now as much as you can so you can hit the ground running when this kid is born.
cara have you two discussed marriage ever? im just curious (i know its not for everyone) if you feel that desire? the spark can be different during pregnancy for many women. some feel even closer, more in love. some feel the hormones more and really cant stand their partner lol. i have read over and over how you have to reinvent the sparks at times. we tend to get caught up in life and forget about our partners, or them us. there is so much that takes up our days, and then we get home and there is more to do! is this just since you have become pg? some men find their women incredibly sexy during this time and others back away. im saying this because maybe these could be reasons. maybe not. i dont know. my parents were married for about 30 years before he died. i watched them go through many things. once they even almost called it quits. but they knew they didnt want that and worked hard. my dad always called her his little bride and kissed her all the time. they were so cute. he made that effort. had he not, who knows. after the baby comes expect (well from my personal experience) that with being tired and hormones and if you are trying to breastfeed, there might be some feelings of frustration, he doesnt have to do this. hopefully its just a phase and with the pregnancy hormones will fade, but you have to work at it too!! good luck!
I have a very similar relationship and course of events with my son's father. We've known each other for 8 years. Eight long and rocky years, but we're still hangin' in there. We have a 2 1/2 year old son, and we're both 22 years old.
Believe me, we don't exactly have "spark" anymore. In fact, most of our time together is spent one of two ways: content with each other and enjoying each other's company and family time, or arguing a bickering about anything and everything.
For some reason, we've managed to stay together through all the really bad times. We've separated a few times on and off, a total of two years to be exact (through the pregnancy and the first year of our son's life). That's helped somewhat--having time away from each other and then trying again. But we are very open and honest with each other and communicate the best we can, and that's how I know we've managed to stay in a civil relationship for so long. We're willing to listen, take criticizm, and be honest with each other.
I've recently moved out of my mom's house and bought my own home, and that's helped a little bit too. Now I'm not dependant on my mom for living needs, which always interfered with us in the past. But we still have issues.
We're going to do couple's counceling starting next week, just to put us on a more beneficial track for the future--for our relationship and for our son. We'd both like very much to get married in a couple years, after he graduates college and gets a career started as an officer in the Air Force. But we'll see. Right now we're only concerned about patching up our present situation, to gain a better understanding of each other's personalities (he's very independant, assertive, and stubborn; I'm laid-back, avoid confrontations, somewhat insecure [father issues], and extremely sensitive), and to eventually work out a future plan to start putting into place for a marriage.
But as for "spark," we try to keep that ignited the best we can. Small favors for each other work wonders for us, and also an occasional random, intimate embrace and kiss (even if we're not "in the mood") just to display the love and attraction we still have for each other. My favorite thing he does for me is run his fingers through my hair a few times and then give me a hug and kiss.
A child hasn't really made things more difficult on our relationship, to be honest. All our stressors boil down to extended family problems/interferances and our clashing personalities. But our child is one thing we have in common and that we both enjoy. Ultimately, our son is the main reason we put so much effort into making a decent relationship with each other. So like I said, we'll see where couple's counceling will take us.
I'd recommend it for you too. It certainly can't make a situation worse--it can either make you both realize you need to end it, or it can bring you closer together. Give it a try if you're both up for it.
Good luck to you and congratulations on your baby!
Believe me, we don't exactly have "spark" anymore. In fact, most of our time together is spent one of two ways: content with each other and enjoying each other's company and family time, or arguing a bickering about anything and everything.
For some reason, we've managed to stay together through all the really bad times. We've separated a few times on and off, a total of two years to be exact (through the pregnancy and the first year of our son's life). That's helped somewhat--having time away from each other and then trying again. But we are very open and honest with each other and communicate the best we can, and that's how I know we've managed to stay in a civil relationship for so long. We're willing to listen, take criticizm, and be honest with each other.
I've recently moved out of my mom's house and bought my own home, and that's helped a little bit too. Now I'm not dependant on my mom for living needs, which always interfered with us in the past. But we still have issues.
We're going to do couple's counceling starting next week, just to put us on a more beneficial track for the future--for our relationship and for our son. We'd both like very much to get married in a couple years, after he graduates college and gets a career started as an officer in the Air Force. But we'll see. Right now we're only concerned about patching up our present situation, to gain a better understanding of each other's personalities (he's very independant, assertive, and stubborn; I'm laid-back, avoid confrontations, somewhat insecure [father issues], and extremely sensitive), and to eventually work out a future plan to start putting into place for a marriage.
But as for "spark," we try to keep that ignited the best we can. Small favors for each other work wonders for us, and also an occasional random, intimate embrace and kiss (even if we're not "in the mood") just to display the love and attraction we still have for each other. My favorite thing he does for me is run his fingers through my hair a few times and then give me a hug and kiss.
A child hasn't really made things more difficult on our relationship, to be honest. All our stressors boil down to extended family problems/interferances and our clashing personalities. But our child is one thing we have in common and that we both enjoy. Ultimately, our son is the main reason we put so much effort into making a decent relationship with each other. So like I said, we'll see where couple's counceling will take us.
I'd recommend it for you too. It certainly can't make a situation worse--it can either make you both realize you need to end it, or it can bring you closer together. Give it a try if you're both up for it.
Good luck to you and congratulations on your baby!
I have been married for about 15 years. The spark is a "spark" it lasts for a while and then settles to a simmer. I don't know why people think that they need to be crazy in love with someone their whole life, with no issues or problems. That is completely unrealistic. My hubby and I get along VERY well, always have. I guess because we are friends above all else. Just like friends we have disagreements and some minor arguments, but never a fight in 15 years. I think that there have been several times in our marriage where we have said hurtful words in a rage (usually after drinking too much) but have always apologized and made up. If you love this person and are having a child with him, you need to be realistic about this relationship. There will always be good and bad times, ups and downs, and now especially with a child probably more than you are used to. But, this will be like this with whoever you spend your life with. You need to jump off your Brady Bunch mentality and step into the real world. I say if he is supportive and a good man to you, I see no reason for leaving him? I totally agree with Barn about the fighting and arguing, if this is something constant why would you put up with this stress and especially with a child. Maybe it is you who provokes these fights by being too demanding or needy, I don't know but you should take a look at yourself and maybe you will solve the problem. Good Luck.
The baby will be new and fun, but yeah, a whole lot of work too.. in fact more work than you could ever imagine.. I think your relationship is transitioning and getting ready for this challenge. I think having a baby will bring you guys closer together but I doubt it will be in the way of lots of hot sex! :)
the spark? well, you are seven months pregnant. A big change for you and your partner, physically and emotionally. i would not try to analyze things too much at this point with regards to the spark.. Anyway, my experience is that the spark does come and go and takes work to keep going.. lots of it.. and not all relationships are free from fighting.. you say you guys are good at making up..according to my marriage counselor, that's the most important part,also known as forgiveness!!.. Lots of couples fight, and fight often and do a fair amount of yelling..not all are quiet.. the important thing is how you fight.. no name calling/sarcasm.. keeping it to the topic at hand..no bringing up old hurts, at least as best you can..that's a hard one...
The spark isn't something that stays consistent..it comes and goes, waxes and wanes.. I would definitely try to stop fretting about it and try and cultivate other aspects of your relationship..the friendship, the nurturing.. and definitely the communication..expressing your fears and letting him express his.. you guys need a bond right now that goes beyond the "spark"..
good luck to you..
the spark? well, you are seven months pregnant. A big change for you and your partner, physically and emotionally. i would not try to analyze things too much at this point with regards to the spark.. Anyway, my experience is that the spark does come and go and takes work to keep going.. lots of it.. and not all relationships are free from fighting.. you say you guys are good at making up..according to my marriage counselor, that's the most important part,also known as forgiveness!!.. Lots of couples fight, and fight often and do a fair amount of yelling..not all are quiet.. the important thing is how you fight.. no name calling/sarcasm.. keeping it to the topic at hand..no bringing up old hurts, at least as best you can..that's a hard one...
The spark isn't something that stays consistent..it comes and goes, waxes and wanes.. I would definitely try to stop fretting about it and try and cultivate other aspects of your relationship..the friendship, the nurturing.. and definitely the communication..expressing your fears and letting him express his.. you guys need a bond right now that goes beyond the "spark"..
good luck to you..
WOW barnbabe you always have it right on the button don't care what anyone says you really do.. Your smart!!!! Keep it up
Yes, Cara, the "crazy in love" feeling ends at about 3 years. That's when the smoke clears, and you can really see the guy for what he is - a loser, or a great man. That's when you make the decision if he's a keeper or not.
But oops. You're very pregnant. You're stuck with this guy, I hope he's a good one! If not, you're hosed.
But oops. You're very pregnant. You're stuck with this guy, I hope he's a good one! If not, you're hosed.
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