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GF of 8-9 Mo's Cheated, with Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband
I found out last night, that my gf cheated on me with her soon-to-be-ex-husband.
I met her back in early March, just AFTER she'd filed for divorce (I just tell you that, so you'll know that legally, our relationship is "legit"), and we hit it off like nobody's business.
She's in recovery, from RX pain-meds, as am I, and we "get" each other on a level that I didn't think possible. You know when people say that they 'finish each others sentences'? Well, she and I START each others sentences. We are the same person, and I feel more deeply connected to her in the short 8-9 months I've known her, than I've had with any relationship I've been in.
That said, her soon-to-be-ex-husband is a manipulative, abusive (physically, mentally & emotionally), childish, cruel little boy, and had her utterly convinced that he could take her children away from her. She believed him, for whatever reason, and thought that by sleeping with him, things would go easier and he'd back off. So... she slept with him... twice... over a 2 day period.
I only discovered it, when I turned on her old cell-phone (at her request mind you), and read through some old texts (dating back to 11/07/12). I was completely caught off guard, as she'd looked me IN THE EYE, and sworn on her fathers grave that she'd not been with him since before she filed for divorce. I know she did it out of fear of loosing her children, and when a mother is backed into a corner, she'll do and say just about anything to save her babies.
But it doesn't change the fact that it happened. It doesn't change the fact that she violated the trust we shared. It doesn't change the fact that she lied to me. It doesn't change the fact that I had to DIG IT UP, or it would have gone unfound.
Guys, I love her dearly, and want to marry this woman. After MY divorce, a coupe of years back, I swore that I'd never marry again, because I didn't trust women. Well, I threw all my trust into this woman, and she shot it down, but the REASON for it... I get it, and understand it.
It *****, believe me, because I think there's more to the story than she's letting on (may have been more occurances), but she owned up to (2) times, and that's enough. Hell, ONCE would have been enough, so whether it's once, twice or a hundred times, it still happened.
I don't know what to do, people. I'm hoping someone has some insight.
Tell me what to do...
(*yeah, yeah... I realize we've only been together a short while, and some of you have been together, with your respective partners/spouses for like 100 years, but try to take the longevity aspect out of the equation. You know when you meet someone, and you just "know" that the person is right? Well, that's what WE'VE got going on. We just KNOW. And I'll add one more thing... a part of me thought this might happen. Not because of who she is, but because it's sort of "what happens" during the course of a divorce. My ex-wife and I hooked up a couple of times, AFTER I'd filed for divorce. It was nothing but a feeble attempt to see if there was anything left... and there wasn't. Never happened again, and frankly, it disgusted me a little bit. Make sense?)
I met her back in early March, just AFTER she'd filed for divorce (I just tell you that, so you'll know that legally, our relationship is "legit"), and we hit it off like nobody's business.
She's in recovery, from RX pain-meds, as am I, and we "get" each other on a level that I didn't think possible. You know when people say that they 'finish each others sentences'? Well, she and I START each others sentences. We are the same person, and I feel more deeply connected to her in the short 8-9 months I've known her, than I've had with any relationship I've been in.
That said, her soon-to-be-ex-husband is a manipulative, abusive (physically, mentally & emotionally), childish, cruel little boy, and had her utterly convinced that he could take her children away from her. She believed him, for whatever reason, and thought that by sleeping with him, things would go easier and he'd back off. So... she slept with him... twice... over a 2 day period.
I only discovered it, when I turned on her old cell-phone (at her request mind you), and read through some old texts (dating back to 11/07/12). I was completely caught off guard, as she'd looked me IN THE EYE, and sworn on her fathers grave that she'd not been with him since before she filed for divorce. I know she did it out of fear of loosing her children, and when a mother is backed into a corner, she'll do and say just about anything to save her babies.
But it doesn't change the fact that it happened. It doesn't change the fact that she violated the trust we shared. It doesn't change the fact that she lied to me. It doesn't change the fact that I had to DIG IT UP, or it would have gone unfound.
Guys, I love her dearly, and want to marry this woman. After MY divorce, a coupe of years back, I swore that I'd never marry again, because I didn't trust women. Well, I threw all my trust into this woman, and she shot it down, but the REASON for it... I get it, and understand it.
It *****, believe me, because I think there's more to the story than she's letting on (may have been more occurances), but she owned up to (2) times, and that's enough. Hell, ONCE would have been enough, so whether it's once, twice or a hundred times, it still happened.
I don't know what to do, people. I'm hoping someone has some insight.
Tell me what to do...
(*yeah, yeah... I realize we've only been together a short while, and some of you have been together, with your respective partners/spouses for like 100 years, but try to take the longevity aspect out of the equation. You know when you meet someone, and you just "know" that the person is right? Well, that's what WE'VE got going on. We just KNOW. And I'll add one more thing... a part of me thought this might happen. Not because of who she is, but because it's sort of "what happens" during the course of a divorce. My ex-wife and I hooked up a couple of times, AFTER I'd filed for divorce. It was nothing but a feeble attempt to see if there was anything left... and there wasn't. Never happened again, and frankly, it disgusted me a little bit. Make sense?)
She is LEGALLY separated and she is able to date whoever she chooses EVEN if the divorce isn't final. El is NOT "shacked up" with the woman......that wouldn't be good as far as the child custody.
Sounds totally messy and the odds are stacked against this working......NOT saying it can't though.
Couples' therapy DEFINITELY and at the same time working separately on your sobriety.
"My ex-wife and I hooked up a couple of times, AFTER I'd filed for divorce. It was nothing but a feeble attempt to see if there was anything left... and there wasn't."........Perhaps that is what she (your gf) was doing as you have done this yourself in the past with your ex-wife?
Sounds messy and "drama-ish." Do wish you the best though.
Sounds totally messy and the odds are stacked against this working......NOT saying it can't though.
Couples' therapy DEFINITELY and at the same time working separately on your sobriety.
"My ex-wife and I hooked up a couple of times, AFTER I'd filed for divorce. It was nothing but a feeble attempt to see if there was anything left... and there wasn't."........Perhaps that is what she (your gf) was doing as you have done this yourself in the past with your ex-wife?
Sounds messy and "drama-ish." Do wish you the best though.
Not really FIGHTING with anyone. Just being my usual, passionate, overbearing, argumentative, explore every facet, personality!
No way!!! ;0)
Gee, good thing *I'M* nothing like that. Pfffft.
;0)
No way!!! ;0)
Gee, good thing *I'M* nothing like that. Pfffft.
;0)
That's actually a REALLY good point!
Rescue a damsel in distress...
Hadn't thought about it like that.
Not really FIGHTING with anyone. Just being my usual, passionate, overbearing, argumentative, explore every facet, personality!
I appreciate all the feedback, really I do.
I'm going to take bits and pieces from each of you.
Rescue a damsel in distress...
Hadn't thought about it like that.
Not really FIGHTING with anyone. Just being my usual, passionate, overbearing, argumentative, explore every facet, personality!
I appreciate all the feedback, really I do.
I'm going to take bits and pieces from each of you.
He may be evil incarnate, but she picked him. You know what they say... rescue a damsel in distress and what's your reward? A distressed damsel.
Nobody here is trying to fight with you. Some of us have been married about 100 years, as you note in your first post - and maybe you should give those opinions some real consideration?
Best wishes.
Nobody here is trying to fight with you. Some of us have been married about 100 years, as you note in your first post - and maybe you should give those opinions some real consideration?
Best wishes.
Maybe I wasn't clear on one fact... she's not blaming him for all of the trouble.
She takes equal blame for the demise of the relationship. Sorry... just want to get that in there.
My eyes are open, and I'm nobody's fool. I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope for the best.
She takes equal blame for the demise of the relationship. Sorry... just want to get that in there.
My eyes are open, and I'm nobody's fool. I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope for the best.
Oh boy, sounds messy...as far as the situation between her and the ex.
Be VERY careful here el. While I don't doubt what you say of the ex, and his abusive ways, often in situations like this, the other party isn't QUITE as much of a victim as they say they are. It usually takes two people to make, or break a relationship. While I'm sure he's an a$$, I find it hard to believe she was an innocent victim in the entire thing...I think she's painting a picture for you.
Honestly, this sounds like a Lifetime movie, and if you've watched them hon, they're usually NOT good. There are SO many issues here to deal with, that you two are going to have a LOT to overcome.
I agree with SM 100% about the two of you, recovering addicts BOTH highly risking your sobriety by being together. That's like a cardinal rule...to NEVER get involved with someone that is in the same stage of recovery, and if possible..at ALL. That's really not a good thing. You guys are BOTH risking your sobriety just by being together.
The other stuff...well, everyone comes with baggage for sure, but I just have this inkling that she's not as much of an "innocent bystander" as she's making herself out to be. She blames absolutely everything on her ex...that's not a good sign. She's got accountability somewhere in there too.
I think therapy is in order, for BOTH of you...both seperate and together...if you REALLY want to make this work. You're going to have to address the trust issue, and you both are going to have to work hard that you don't slip as far as your recovery goes. I think you BOTH should handle your recovery seperate and independent of one another...go to different NA meetings, therapists, etc. If you try to share the recovery experience...it will be even more risky...when you share recovery experiences, you'll be more likely to share triggers, and risk of relapse.
Please, please just don't fool yourself. You're a good man, and I know you want this to work, because you feel strongly about her, but just be sure you're being honest with yourself about all of the issues on the table. I'm not saying she's a blatant liar, el, but I DO think she absolutely has enjoyed playing up the victim role with you. That's a common occurence.
I wish you the best, sorry you're going through this...congrats on your clean time, BTW! GUARD that at all costs...nothing and NO ONE is worth sacrificing all that hard work!
Be VERY careful here el. While I don't doubt what you say of the ex, and his abusive ways, often in situations like this, the other party isn't QUITE as much of a victim as they say they are. It usually takes two people to make, or break a relationship. While I'm sure he's an a$$, I find it hard to believe she was an innocent victim in the entire thing...I think she's painting a picture for you.
Honestly, this sounds like a Lifetime movie, and if you've watched them hon, they're usually NOT good. There are SO many issues here to deal with, that you two are going to have a LOT to overcome.
I agree with SM 100% about the two of you, recovering addicts BOTH highly risking your sobriety by being together. That's like a cardinal rule...to NEVER get involved with someone that is in the same stage of recovery, and if possible..at ALL. That's really not a good thing. You guys are BOTH risking your sobriety just by being together.
The other stuff...well, everyone comes with baggage for sure, but I just have this inkling that she's not as much of an "innocent bystander" as she's making herself out to be. She blames absolutely everything on her ex...that's not a good sign. She's got accountability somewhere in there too.
I think therapy is in order, for BOTH of you...both seperate and together...if you REALLY want to make this work. You're going to have to address the trust issue, and you both are going to have to work hard that you don't slip as far as your recovery goes. I think you BOTH should handle your recovery seperate and independent of one another...go to different NA meetings, therapists, etc. If you try to share the recovery experience...it will be even more risky...when you share recovery experiences, you'll be more likely to share triggers, and risk of relapse.
Please, please just don't fool yourself. You're a good man, and I know you want this to work, because you feel strongly about her, but just be sure you're being honest with yourself about all of the issues on the table. I'm not saying she's a blatant liar, el, but I DO think she absolutely has enjoyed playing up the victim role with you. That's a common occurence.
I wish you the best, sorry you're going through this...congrats on your clean time, BTW! GUARD that at all costs...nothing and NO ONE is worth sacrificing all that hard work!
I only know what she's told me, and the disgusting, cruel, belittling, texts and emails and voicemails she's received from him (which she's let me reead and listen to).
He's an abusive little man, and if I'd not have heard and read his words, I might think as you do... that I'm only getting one side of the story.
My eyes ARE open. I know this man, and he is an abuser, a user, and a manipulator. He made her close her bank accounts 3 months after they met, and quit her job 1 year after they met. He then cut a hole in a condom in order to get her pregnant, so she wouldn't be able to leave.
A nice man, he is NOT.
He's sent ME countless hundreds of texts, threatening to harm me. He's left me countless voicemails.
I know the man... and he is evil incarnate.
Oh yeah, did i mention that he was married THREE times before, marrying her?
She actually contacted his 3rd ex-wife, and tried talking to her about him and the circumstances of their divorce. All she would say is, "RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN".
He's 52 years old. He was abused as a child. He never had a father in his life, and the dad that WAS around, beat him. He's been married, consistently, since the age of 22 (with little to NO time in between marriages).
Tell me RockRose... what now?
He's an abusive little man, and if I'd not have heard and read his words, I might think as you do... that I'm only getting one side of the story.
My eyes ARE open. I know this man, and he is an abuser, a user, and a manipulator. He made her close her bank accounts 3 months after they met, and quit her job 1 year after they met. He then cut a hole in a condom in order to get her pregnant, so she wouldn't be able to leave.
A nice man, he is NOT.
He's sent ME countless hundreds of texts, threatening to harm me. He's left me countless voicemails.
I know the man... and he is evil incarnate.
Oh yeah, did i mention that he was married THREE times before, marrying her?
She actually contacted his 3rd ex-wife, and tried talking to her about him and the circumstances of their divorce. All she would say is, "RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN".
He's 52 years old. He was abused as a child. He never had a father in his life, and the dad that WAS around, beat him. He's been married, consistently, since the age of 22 (with little to NO time in between marriages).
Tell me RockRose... what now?
elemenoh, please keep your eyes wide open. Things are not always as they appear. I don't know if you know her husband, other than through her as a filter.
You're vulnerable here.
You're vulnerable here.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Great. I think that will be really important for her in many ways. Glad she's able to get a job and will be in a better position to care for herself financially.
As you are implying that she was in an abusive marriage, she has much work to do for that issue as well. Patterns become ingrained. Watch for this with her. Our subconsious will go back to a situation we are comfortable with even if it is negative.
At least she is trying to be open now and the best thing you can do is to encourage her.
As you are implying that she was in an abusive marriage, she has much work to do for that issue as well. Patterns become ingrained. Watch for this with her. Our subconsious will go back to a situation we are comfortable with even if it is negative.
At least she is trying to be open now and the best thing you can do is to encourage her.
I've mentioned her needing someone to talk to, and she agrees.
She's JUST secured a job (after not having one for the last 12 years, as he forced her to stop working when they got married as he was afraid she'd meet someone at work and leave him... she's in the medical field).
So, anyway, she knows she needs to talk to someone... she's just waiting for insurance to kick in, that's all.
She's JUST secured a job (after not having one for the last 12 years, as he forced her to stop working when they got married as he was afraid she'd meet someone at work and leave him... she's in the medical field).
So, anyway, she knows she needs to talk to someone... she's just waiting for insurance to kick in, that's all.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh rats. El, that is a huge problem. It is absolutely problematic to treatment and actually a very typical addictive pattern to begin a relationship during or right after rehab. It is frowned upon by all treatment centers that I know of.
I can tell you that statistically, this is bad for future sobriety as well as the relationship making it long term. Ugh.
Maybe you two will beat the odds. And again, you are already IN this--- so you just have to keep chugging along. But absolutely now I feel you both need to see a couple's therapist and I am guessing your girlfriend needs a therapist on her own.
Underlying issues for addiction are essential to address and usually requires psychological help of a professional nature. Is she getting that?
I can tell you that statistically, this is bad for future sobriety as well as the relationship making it long term. Ugh.
Maybe you two will beat the odds. And again, you are already IN this--- so you just have to keep chugging along. But absolutely now I feel you both need to see a couple's therapist and I am guessing your girlfriend needs a therapist on her own.
Underlying issues for addiction are essential to address and usually requires psychological help of a professional nature. Is she getting that?
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree that I would let her off the 'hook' this time and try to move forward.
Like I said, I've known many that have had complicated, long drawn out divorce proceedings and they've dated during that time period before it was official. I never considered that to be cheating on their soon to be 'legal' ex. They are ending with the official paper work although they are over otherwise. What if someone has a longterm partner that they aren't married to---- are they cheating after one moves out and they are fighting over assets they accumulated together still if they begin seeing someone else?
Like I said, I've known many that have had complicated, long drawn out divorce proceedings and they've dated during that time period before it was official. I never considered that to be cheating on their soon to be 'legal' ex. They are ending with the official paper work although they are over otherwise. What if someone has a longterm partner that they aren't married to---- are they cheating after one moves out and they are fighting over assets they accumulated together still if they begin seeing someone else?
I'm just sayin'. When custody is decided, if he can appear to be the doting daddy who isn't in an extra-marital relationship, and is focused on work and home and his kids, he looks better than a woman who is in a sexual relationship. The courts often look at where the parents "focus" is. Especially in a case where both partners don't want to dissolve the marriage. If one files for divorce, and goes on to another relationship and the other doesn't want the divorce and stays faithful to the as yet undissolved marriage, the courts look at that.
And her attorney is remiss in not mentioning this to her. Maybe her attorney isn't aware of your intense relationship?
And her attorney is remiss in not mentioning this to her. Maybe her attorney isn't aware of your intense relationship?
We checked in one day after the other, and she was in for 6 days before her soon-to-be-ex made her check out (he was unable to care for the children without her).
I stayed in a full "cycle" (21 days), then 2-weeks of daily outpatient aftercare.
I finished with my "stint" in early January of this year, and got a text from her at the beginning of March.
It took us about a week to sync our schedules, at which time I found out she'd filed for divorce.
We started hanging out, and hit it off.
So... to answer your question, YES. We met in rehab.
I stayed in a full "cycle" (21 days), then 2-weeks of daily outpatient aftercare.
I finished with my "stint" in early January of this year, and got a text from her at the beginning of March.
It took us about a week to sync our schedules, at which time I found out she'd filed for divorce.
We started hanging out, and hit it off.
So... to answer your question, YES. We met in rehab.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think in my area, people do tend to date while seperated before the divorce is official as that can sometimes take some time and some have a hard time with not being with someone.
I guess there is a question in there for you el---- if someone writes that they've recently left their spouse or even just partner but not married of a long time---- I always write back to take some time before starting another relationship. The reason is that a lot of work goes on internally during that down time. And if someone just can't be without a partner, it often is problematic. So, there is a bit of legitimacy in whether she should have started a relationship with someone so quickly after breaking up with her ex.
But that is neither here nor there now as you are already involved. It's already happened and you two are already attached. So, where do you go from here seems like a good focus to have.
I guess there is a question in there for you el---- if someone writes that they've recently left their spouse or even just partner but not married of a long time---- I always write back to take some time before starting another relationship. The reason is that a lot of work goes on internally during that down time. And if someone just can't be without a partner, it often is problematic. So, there is a bit of legitimacy in whether she should have started a relationship with someone so quickly after breaking up with her ex.
But that is neither here nor there now as you are already involved. It's already happened and you two are already attached. So, where do you go from here seems like a good focus to have.
I'm not sure I would quite call this "cheating"
She has a longer history with Husband than She does with You (years compared to months). He's not an "ex" yet.
She does have Children with Him - You YourSelf said it was probably the motivation.
You also said You did this YourSelf twice with Your own Wife after filing for divorce. So, You do know how this can happen.
I would let Her off the hook - this time. I would not assume Her to be a "cheater" but maybe a confused Wife, a fearful Mother...... She's probably unsure of HerSelf right now and needs more time.
You only have 8 months with a Woman who is bound to be in emotional turmoil - You need to take more time to make sure that She's sure of what She's doing, what She wants.
Good Luck
.
She has a longer history with Husband than She does with You (years compared to months). He's not an "ex" yet.
She does have Children with Him - You YourSelf said it was probably the motivation.
You also said You did this YourSelf twice with Your own Wife after filing for divorce. So, You do know how this can happen.
I would let Her off the hook - this time. I would not assume Her to be a "cheater" but maybe a confused Wife, a fearful Mother...... She's probably unsure of HerSelf right now and needs more time.
You only have 8 months with a Woman who is bound to be in emotional turmoil - You need to take more time to make sure that She's sure of what She's doing, what She wants.
Good Luck
.
I haven't been around her children, since late June/early July, if that matters.
She keeps her relationship with me completely out of the equation, as far as the children are concerned. As far as they're aware, I don't even exist.
So why does it matter again, who she does and doesn't sleep with, once she's LEGALLY SEPARATED???
She keeps her relationship with me completely out of the equation, as far as the children are concerned. As far as they're aware, I don't even exist.
So why does it matter again, who she does and doesn't sleep with, once she's LEGALLY SEPARATED???
So when one is legally separated... it matters, in custody-matters? Her attorney hasn't indicated anything of the sort, and he's one of the best in the city of Houston. I'd think that he would have MENTIONED that to her/us (I've met him on several occasions).
Well, from a different perspective, her husband could say she cheated on HIM with you. A "soon to be ex husband" is a husband. Double negative and all. Your relationship isn't "legit" until the divorce is granted - she isn't divorced when the papers are first filed.
And having a relationship with you while she's married DOES put custody of her children at risk, honestly. Family courts consider that when considering who gets the kids - is one parent already in another sexual relationship while married? It matters.
I also wouldn't trust someone I met in drug rehab.
I wish you well - as close as you feel to her, I don't think she's really committed relationship material. She's married, and in recovery for substance abuse.
And having a relationship with you while she's married DOES put custody of her children at risk, honestly. Family courts consider that when considering who gets the kids - is one parent already in another sexual relationship while married? It matters.
I also wouldn't trust someone I met in drug rehab.
I wish you well - as close as you feel to her, I don't think she's really committed relationship material. She's married, and in recovery for substance abuse.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi el. I'm really really sorry to hear this. Being cheated on stinks--- I'd write a stronger word but it would get the starred out. But let me tell you that I understand how hurtful cheating is and how disconcerting the super sleuth actions you took to find out are. Okay, not really super sleuth but that it wasn't something she ever offered up but rather you had to uncover it.
So, now you know something about this wonderful woman. She can still be wonderful while having flaws and weaknesses. There is often more to the story---- even if she hadn't been fearful of losing her kids, ex's often find themselves in bed together after they break up for various reasons. They have a history, there is emotion (even leaving an awful relationship can cause sadness and meloncholy). For whatever reason including possibly threats of taking her children and being desperate to stop that--- she chose to sleep with him. Whether it was 2 or 20, she did it. There is also a chance that she got into a relationship before she probably should of with no 'down' time between the marriage and starting with you.
What I would do if you love her and feel she is a good person that you want to be with is have a heart to heart. Tell her that you will let go of the past and go from THIS point on. Where there will be NO lies, No cheating, and healthy ways to deal with stress and figure out problems. Then you do your very best to believe her but with your eyes open.
I would really suggest a couple's therapist for the two of you ---- not a crisis type of situation going on here as it sounds like you want to stay wtih her and work through this--- but more of a therapy to work on communication, trust issues, working through problems together.
I mean, had she come to you and said I'm terrified of losing my kids, my ex is saying X . . . you'd have helped her come up with a plan. Instead, she concocted her own plan that was very hurtful to you and the relationship. She needs to be able to come to you and let you know what is going on rather than making poor choices and to do that, she has to get to a certain level of trust in you too that she can do that.
It's really hard and I'm sure it changes the dynamic of the relationship. But many couples come through situations like this and end up closer. Hang in there.
So, now you know something about this wonderful woman. She can still be wonderful while having flaws and weaknesses. There is often more to the story---- even if she hadn't been fearful of losing her kids, ex's often find themselves in bed together after they break up for various reasons. They have a history, there is emotion (even leaving an awful relationship can cause sadness and meloncholy). For whatever reason including possibly threats of taking her children and being desperate to stop that--- she chose to sleep with him. Whether it was 2 or 20, she did it. There is also a chance that she got into a relationship before she probably should of with no 'down' time between the marriage and starting with you.
What I would do if you love her and feel she is a good person that you want to be with is have a heart to heart. Tell her that you will let go of the past and go from THIS point on. Where there will be NO lies, No cheating, and healthy ways to deal with stress and figure out problems. Then you do your very best to believe her but with your eyes open.
I would really suggest a couple's therapist for the two of you ---- not a crisis type of situation going on here as it sounds like you want to stay wtih her and work through this--- but more of a therapy to work on communication, trust issues, working through problems together.
I mean, had she come to you and said I'm terrified of losing my kids, my ex is saying X . . . you'd have helped her come up with a plan. Instead, she concocted her own plan that was very hurtful to you and the relationship. She needs to be able to come to you and let you know what is going on rather than making poor choices and to do that, she has to get to a certain level of trust in you too that she can do that.
It's really hard and I'm sure it changes the dynamic of the relationship. But many couples come through situations like this and end up closer. Hang in there.
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