Double life

[Imiss]

I'm 30 years old.  I have been married to my husband since I 18 and he was 33.  My father introduced us at an auction.  He was very handsome and really smart.  I feel in love fast.  Six months later we were married.  For nine years our marriage was a blast even when after we had two boys we still went out and explored new things. He has let himself go, we don't go out, we don't have sex, we don't do anything.  About a month ago I found an adult party group.  I went to a party and well I have never felt so bad and so good at the same time.  There were many good looking men and they were all naughty.  I had sex with a man at the party.  I have been seeing at least three time a week since then. When we have sex it's not normal sex or the kind of sex I am used to. He ties me up and whips me and completely dominates me. I am a different person there.  Then I go home to my husband and children and become perfect wife and mother once again. What do you guys think?

[PlateletGal]

I agree (if this poster is being serious)... And if this poster is getting bored with her husband, then I think she should invite him to try something new --- something that will spark their relationship.

I am concerned about her and this alternative lifestyle she is practicing. I hope she's using safe sex and not putting herself and her husband at risk for STD's.

[hatrick03]

You'd better decide which you value more - your secret lifestyle or your husband and kids - because you'll probably lose your husband, and maybe your kids, if he finds out. Like RockRose, I'm wondering if this is for real, since if your husband has his stuff together, it wouldn't take long to get a clue. The acts of domination have got to leave some physical marks - has your husband commented on them?

[PlateletGal]

Sometimes I wonder if people are here for advice or here for attention ? Oh well... nothing shocks me anymore. LOL !

[slow_healer]

Sex isn't always the reason why we do things - sometimes it's a symptom for other problems. You've mentioned boredom. You might need to ask yourself why you feel the need to go out and do something forbidden (cheat on your partner) and unusual (domineering sex). Don't mistake these explorations as who you are absolutely and what you want from life.

Also keep in mind that your husband is significantly older than you and experiencing a different stage in life. He may be *feeling* older, and that might be dampening life for him. You've mentioned that he's let himself go, but have you tried to understand why?

If I were you I'd reconsider my choices. There are other ways to address boredom without cheating on your partner. No, it's not different than cheating (ask yourself how likely would you be to accept this behavior from your husband). You have a good family that needs and loves you. You have a right to your freedom and happiness, but you also have responsibilities. How is what you're choosing to do now going to affect how well you take care of those responsibilities later on?

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I agree with Rock rose this has to be some guy making a joke.

To the OP (if you are for real)

1.  Grow up, your behaviour is putting you, your health and your family in danger.
2.  If you want to leave your dh, do so, a wise old book says "Cheaters never prosper"
3.  You need therapy.

[otot_mu_bahu]

i think you have made a very good explanation of how a real ***** looks like.

[RockRose]

What do I think?  I don't think I believe you. Sorry if you're telling the truth,  this sounds like a male fantasy to me.

[waitingwithhope]

You are trying to justify your actions based on your husband letting himself go,etc. However, you need to figure out what is best for you and your children and your family. As much as you crave the excitement and the rush, the reality is that you are risking losing a husband and might be on shakier ground if you were to try and arrange custody. If it is really worth it and you need out of the marriage that bad, make a clean break and put your life and priorities in order. Don't do it for the rush--that feeling will fade eventually and you will look for the next rush or thrill to replace it. If there is a chance to save your marriage and he is not abusive towards you, etc. then I would get some counseling (even individual counseling) and work on your marriage and you. The only person you can change is really you. And, you are worth more than sneaking around and leading this double life. And, somewhere deep down, you have some guilt or you wouldn't be posting this. If you do it long enough, your guilt will be gone but it will be replaced with a feeling of emptiness. And, this guy you are seeing, will replace you soon with someone else once he needs another rush too and I bet you will fall for him...men have a greater ability at staying detached. Fill the void with more worthwhile things- family, marriage, exercise, friends, religion, etc. and you. Don't be fooled with the game, it will eat you alive. You are worth so much more than this.