Girlfriend with BPD

[MXP]

Hi,

This is going to be a bit long - you might want to skip to the last paragraphs if you don't feel you need the entire background story..

I met this wonderful girl who has BPD a couple of days after New Year Eve - we had been mailing back and forth after meeting on an internet forum (long story) and decided it would be fun to meet up at a café - just as friends, that is. Things escalated from there and about three weeks later we started having sex and a couple of weeks after that she admitted she was in love with me. I was very much in love with her then as well - and I still am today.

At this time she still lived with her ex-boyfriend, who she had split up with after a seven year relationship, while she was waiting to move to her own apartment. Her ex had been extremely jealous and manipulative during most of their relationship and she was under a lot of stress still living with him. A couple of very tense weeks followed where should would meet up with me when he was away - but we were still very much in love and enjoyed being together.

Right after she moved, we spent about a week together on and off, with me helping her with practical stuff in her new apartment and everything seemed fine. One of the last days of that week, she told me things were moving just a little too fast for her - so I offered to cancel a date we had set up a couple of days later, which she didn't want. We went on the date and I left her apartment the next morning thinking everything was fine - this was a little under three weeks ago.

The days after that day her text messages and phone conversations began to seem a lot colder - no more "I miss you", "I'm thinking of you" etc. I wondered about it but thought she might just be stressed, but after a while I began to suspect something might be up. We had arranged for me to visit her four days later, so I asked her if we could talk there and told her that I would like to take things in a tempo she was comfortable with since I realized it was all moving too fast for her.. which she agreed to.

When I called her on the day to ask when I should show up, I could hear something was wrong. She told me she wasn't ready to talk about anything at this point and that she thought it would be best to take things slowly and just keep contact without meeting up until she was ready to talk. We kept contact pretty constantly with text messaging and MSN for a week, which was pretty hard for me to do, since I had trouble coping with the fact that all of the sudden she didn't seem to have any feelings for me whatsoever. During that time, I discovered she had been having doubts about whether she would get back together with her ex. After that week, I confronted her with this, which she denied would happen since there was no spark between them anymore.

I guess what I'm looking for some clue about is this:

I've been there for her as "just" a friend for the last couple of weeks, but I'm really hoping we can become more than that again. She tells me she can't feel anything right now about anything and feels empty - the only emotion she can feel right now is sadness. I'm trying to do what I can to help her through this.. but I suppose I'm really at a loss about how to best do that.

Also, going from being in love to feeling nothing at all when the emptiness set in - do any of you have any experience with something like that.. did the feelings for the partner return or what happened?

I'm really a newbie at all of this and I just want to help her get through the rough time she's going through as best I can - even if that means I'll lose her as a girlfriend.

Sincerely,
MXP

[iam1butterfly]

It wasn't an easy choice for you to make, I'm sure... good luck!

[MXP]

The last update from me on this - I called her yesterday and let her know I can't stick around as a friend to find out what she feels and we have now cut off all contact.

I need to move on with my life.

[MXP]

Just a quick update - she still has no idea what she wants.. talked to her and she said: "Don't consider this a break - we're just friends at the moment.. I need to find out who I am and I have no idea where that journey will take me on a personal level".

I told her to let me know when she found out whether she thought there was a basis for something more than a friendship, which she said she would.

I'll take a little time to think it over, but right now the most realistic scenario is that I'll probably give her a week, maybe two to think it over at which point I'll end our friendship altogether and break off contact.

Pretty sad if that's the way it's going to end - but I need some form of closure soon.

[MXP]

Thanks a lot for your input - I really appreciate it.

She hadn't experienced the "emptiness" feeling for quite some time because of her treatment until it was trigged by her moving. But if there's more of those in store for me down the line if we get back together, I can see that it will be a very bumpy ride.

I talked to her on the phone last night and we talked about her ex, who it seems she's pretty happy to have left now - she's realizing what a relief it is not to be under the constant stress of living with him. Now she's afraid of never wanting to live with anybody again because "she'll like living alone too much".

She's said she was afraid to meet up and talk at my place, like I suggested, because she's still very attracted to me and feels we might end up sleeping together - which would obviously complicate things. She fears it might result in me breaking off contact and that she'll lose me as her friend.

As bad as this whole situation is, I think I'll give it a few weeks to see if she'll make up her mind and decide. Rationally I know I should get out, but I'm still very much in love with her.

I'm not sure I can cope with sticking around as a friend if she decides she has no feelings for me - even though I would like to.

Man, this disease *****..

[iam1butterfly]

I dated a man for a year who has BPD and he often manifested that "emptiness" feeling. He went from being head-over-heels in love with me to being cold, detached and uncaring. But, he didn't revert back to having that loving feeling. Statistically, relationships with borderlines never work out, in large part, because of their emotional instability... this hot/ cold behavior doesn't work in the real world of Love. It only creates turmoil and confusion. In my opinion, the emotional flip flop is an attempt to insulate oneself from getting hurt because, along with the "emptiness," the borderline has major abandonment issues. The borderline would sooner dump you; before you dump them. But, I don't know if this is the case with your girlfriend as there are other complexities in her life, like... unresolved issues with the ex. She could be as conflicted about severing the ties with the ex as she is with her feelings for you. If that's the case, she's neither ready to move on in her life... nor is she ready for you.

[MXP]

Thanks for your post, RockRose.

Not exactly what I wanted to hear.. but I suppose it's what I needed to hear.

Her last relationship was filled with trouble, infidelity and distrust - but before that, she had a good 10 year relationship without those things.. so I guess I thought there might be some hope.

But I also have a hard time believing her feeling for me will return all of the sudden when she emerges from the emptiness she's in right now.

I'll try to move on, even though it will be hard..

[RockRose]

MXP,  I think you should forget her as a girlfriend.  This is what she's like,  this is what being with her will be like.

She is a recipe for chaos and unhappiness in your life.  If you want to live happily ever after,  find the healthiest,  nicest,  sweetest woman you can and go after her.  

Rescuing is great for pets.  It doesn't work out so well with girlfriends.