help! is something wrong with me?

[df1987]

I'm a 20  yr old college girl (21 in July), and never been in a proper relationship. This past spring i had a short fling that lasted about 6 weeks -- the sex was great but the guy said he wasn't looking for anything serious because he was moving away soon. this seems to happen to me alot -- i'll have sex with a guy a bunch of times, and then we'll just drift apart for whatever reason. i want to know why it seems so easy for everyone around me to get involved in serious relationships!! it seems impossible for me, i dont think it will ever happen. i think there is something seriously wrong with me. i try to maintain a confident facade but inside i am starting to feel disgusting, gross, and unattractive, since no one ever wants to commit to me. anyone else have this problem? or have any advice for me?  i would appreciate any help!

[mami1323]

Oh sweetie, I know just how you feel.  When I was your age I had only one significant relationship but after that it seemed like forever until I had found the right one.  I was 20 years old when me and my first love split and I didn't find anyone that was relationship material until I was 26 years old.  I was with someone in between for about 2 1/2 years but he was afraid of commitment and than here and there dated random guys.  Nothing led to that relationship that I had longed for.  My friend's were all meeting people and getting married.  I couldn't even find a man that I clicked with.  One day it happened...now I'm 5 months pregnant and engaged.  It eventually happens.  Some people meet someone and bam right away they are in a relationship.  I always wondered why it was so easy for people around me but yet I could never find the right one.  I did and have been with him for 4 years.  It takes time.  My suggestion to you is try and get to know these men before sleeping with them.  Sometimes if it's too easy they don't stick around and get to know you.  Men like challenges too.  Good luck and don't worry too much it will come when it's ready to come.

[hatrick03]

I don't think most guys in their early 20's are looking for commitment. I ran into the same thing in college, though luckily, I kept my virginity until age 21. Even then, I was with a man who led me on, making me believe that he wanted a future with me, when all he really wanted was to be on his own and have me as a sex partner. I wasted so much time with him when I should've been looking for someone who wanted the same things I did. I started to feel like something was wrong with me - I'm 25, and still haven't found the one - but, I realized I really haven't been making much of an effort. I live in an area where there aren't a lot of younger people, so that makes it difficult. If you're in a college atmosphere, it should be a lot easier, but then again, young guys mainly want sex. For that reason, I've mainly dated men who are quite a bit older than I am. Have you considered dating older men? Still, it can be hard to find a good man that you're compatible with. There seem to many more bad apples in the bunch than good ones.

[green eyed lady]

Hi Sweetie...I have a daughter your age who is also in college and she and I have been talking about this alot recently. Although some may think me biased, my daughter is also beautiful, intelligent, and she possesses a great sense of humor, however, she feels that while she might want a relationship it seems the guys are unwilling to commit.

What we have thought through out our many(!) hours of discussion is this...why should they commit? They are young (the guys), in college and hopefully having one of the best times of their lives. We also concluded (IOO) that sex and other favors are such a natural occurance these days that a guy might be considered crazy to commit! Now don't get me wrong...I wasn't a saint when I was that age either...but, I do believe that sex is treated way more casually than when I was your age (late 1980's...remember the AIDS epidemic?).

My daughter would get upset because a guy would spend all this time and energy *pursuing* her and then when things would get to a certain point the guys would start to back off. She would become very hurt and not understand the quick change of emotions. Hence the many hours of talking about it.

The advice that I gave to my own daughter is this...slow down, study and enjoy your college years because you have many years to find the "one". And if it happens in college...great... and if not...great. Believe it or not but she is following my advice and she is focusing more energy on HERSELF and she is loving it!! Remember Ladies can have fun too. Good luck to you. E

P.S.: When speaking of the guys I am speaking in generalities...obviously not all guys or young ladies are the same. I also wanted to add, PLEASE do not become another notch on some guys belt, I know with the frat parties and all the partying going on things happen quickly....sorry to preach but I am a mom.

[mayflowers]

Maybe you're going with him based on sexual attraction but this really isn't enough for a long term relationship.  When you do that, you really don't know the guy.  He may not even be someone you want after you get to know him.  Try going slower next time, be friends first and see if you really have anything in common.  It will happen...just go a little slower...

[pertykitty]

some women can find a man at the drop of a hat. they dont even have to be that attractive or nice, but they always have a man.  others, they search and search and never find mr longer than a month.  i tell you one thing at your age (i was there once too)  there are many not looking for that. but there are some, you just have to find the ones.  maybe not sleeping with them right off the bat could help. you can weed out the quickys and see who is worth giving it to.  unless of course you want that, there is no problem with sleeping around in my opinion (as long as you use safe sex practices).  men also can tell when we dont feel great about ourselves.  i hope we get a few men here to offer you some of their opinions.  maybe you need to change where you are trying to meet men.  if its a frat party, maybe not the best.  maybe class? study groups? friend of a friend.  or just casually date until he comes along.  if the sex is making you feel bad about yourself, then i say its time to hold off on that for awhile. in my experiences friendship first lasts longer.

[koukla29]

Read the book, Why Men Love *******.  Although you got to take a lot of it with a grain of salt, the book is all about self confidence and looking for someone who makes you happy.  It's also very funny!