He doesn't want a family, but I do.

[nix89]

So here's the story, my boyfriend and I have been together for a long time and it's gotten to the point in our relationship where we are talking about marrage. Yes, we are young, but we are planning our future. We're not going to get married right away but we're planning on it. I just wanted to make that part as clear as possible.

Here's my problem, I want t raise a family with him one day, like I said, not right now because I know we're too young at this moment. My boyfriend is dead set against it. The first time we talked about having kids he simply said, "it's not happening". After a long while I tried to talk to him about it again, and this time he said that we could have a child together when we're ready. Naturally I was happy that he changed his mind, but now he's changed it back. He says there is no way he could ever have a child because he doesn't like kids and he feels having a baby would hold him back.

I have always wanted to one day be a mother, and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with is against it. What should I do?

[penswriter]

He already gave you an answer. so either you stay with him childless or move on and find someone who wants the same things.

and like mentioned earlier kids are VERY time consuming. my dh and I's relationship has changed completely since we had children. we don't have "our" time anymore. (only a few minutes after they go to bed and before we pass out from exhaustion) we don't go out whenever we want. (we haven't been out without the kids since last july for my birthday) and most of our money goes to them. (when you have 2 boys who grow like weeds you need to always buy newer clothes that they fit into...as well as diapers, shoes, socks, blah blah blah)...so he just may not want to be tied down. he may want to have the freedom to pick up and just go whenever he wants. when you have kids...you can't do that.

kids really do change relationships. sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.

[specialmom]

You are so very right that kids are extremely time consuming and demanding.  I think it is admirable when someone knows themselves well enough to know that it wouldn't be a good situation for them.  To each his own.

[Monica70]

As previously mentioned, everyone is not interested in having children and don't think he will change his mind. Not all of us do.

I'm a female, 37 years old, recently separated from spouse, never wanted kids and still don't. I'm glad people stopped asking me when I was going to have them!

One of the reasons why I don't have kids is because I like to come and go as I please and I don't like to come home early. My time is my time and if I'm home reading a book (or browsing the internet), I don't want to be bothered or disturbed.

Kids are time consuming.

Good luck!

[specialmom]

I agree with the others.  When one of your goals is children it would not be wise to pick a man that is wishy washy at best on the subject.  Everybody knows someone, right?  My good friend married a wishy washy man hoping he'd say yes to kids.  She even convinced herself for a time that she herself was wishy washy on the subject and not sure if she wanted kids.  Now she 46 with no children and deeply regrets it.

I wanted a family and made sure that my future husband (and now husband and father to my kids) wanted them also.  It is a much simpler and happier path to take.  

Find someone with the same goals.  good luck

[sammy73]

A good friend of mine (Godmother to my eldest) always wanted kids.  At one point she was considering leaving her boyfriend, because he didn't.  In the end she didn't leave him, she married him.  He still didn't want kids.  The marriage was over within a few years. Now she's single again, and still doesn't have kids.  She's still young enough to (mid-30s), very attractive, but the pool of available men drops pretty rapidly once you get to a certain age and I don't think it's going to be easy for her.

It's somewhat heartless when you love this guy and can envisage spending the rest of your life with him.  But it is entirely reasonable that having a family one day can be a deal-breaker.  If you want one, and he doesn't, your long-term future is not with him.  If your long-term future is not with him, is there any benefit to staying with him for now, if you are likely to have to break it off with him later when it will be even harder to do so?

[iam1butterfly]

If having children is important to you and, he's saying that he doesn't
even like kids, let alone want them... then, you're with the wrong man.

[jo929]

Some people feel like they are just not cut out to be parents and some do not change i know 2 couples that have been married abou 18 years and both agreed they did not want children they just were not cut out to be parents they are very contented still married say they love each other also the men gad a vasectomy the women had their tubes tied to prove to each other they did not want to raise children why i do not know but i have know many people that said i wish i had never had kids i am not cut out for it so if you want kids move on unless you are very young if so wait untill you are older to have them, and then you will really know what you want  luck  jo

[RockRose]

He's not a match,  nix.  

There are plenty of really wonderful men who want kids,  and plenty of wonderful men who don't.  

Since you do,  find one that's a match for you.    Don't marry him thinking he'll change or you'll be able to trick him into being a dad.  That doesn't make for a fun life.