Please please give advise!

[Jennifer1987]

Can a bad relationship cause anxiety, I mean really bad anxiety... I don't know where to go with this so I guessed this place will help. I guess I better fill ye in on it all but it is really long, sorry!

Im with my boyfriend a lil over 2 years now. I love him to bits. When we're good, we're good but when we are bad we're bad! It all started 4 months into our relationship, his ex decided she wanted him back after breaking up with him 9 months before I met him. She cinstantly texted and rang him. I felt jealous to say the least. I knew in my heart she had a hidden agenda besides being 'just friends'. But he said no she was genuine. I asked him to stop replying to her but he refused. I got over it as he promised the first sign of flirting he would cut ties. So eventually I found out they had been flirting madly when I confronted him with it he said it was nothing that he wanted to hurt her like she hurt him so I finished it with him, I was so upset. Eventually we got back together.

So a few months went by and she atarted texting again, I had no tolerance for it this time and confronted her myselp, I decided to take the nice girl root...Explain I loved him and what she was doind was hurtfull..Looking back now i realise what a two-faced cow she is..As nice as pie to my face! Yet she didn't stop. It got so bad that on nights out she would always be around us and I just thought she was a bit psycho!

So moving on, the worst betrayal happened on a Friday night! I was at home and he was at his house (10 mins from mine) I asked him to call over and he said he was to tired, after trying to persuade him I finally gave up! Went to sleep thinking he was doing the same. That weekend he was really odd with me like I had done something wrong! When I asked hed say nothing is wrong.. so Monday at college he rang I knew something was up with him, so told him to tell me, so he did.. Well he ended it anyway with no geunine reason! A week pass of me being upset, and feeling worthless yet again! that weekend he went out with his friends and rang me (with drink in him) Wanted to meet the next day and try sort everything out. So nxt day he tells me what happened!

The Friday night he was at home, well he wasn't. He had cheated on mte with his ex (slept with her).. It felt like a nightmare and I was going to wake any minute! I yelled at him, called him everything I could think off and just wanted to knock his head off (obviously didn't)... I got out of the car and went back to my friends, we were on a night out at the time. Never told them what had happened. I bumped into his ex and the gloves were off! I confronted her and she denied it! If it wasn't for the bouncer I would have hit her! anyway thats what happened. After weeks of him texting and buying dozens of roses I gave in and got back with him!

For ages after I had that image in my head cried a lot and couldnt well get intimate with him for ages after! I was so hurt! We broke up a few times now and I dont feel secure in the relationship. After a massive fight when he decided to go on a lads weekend I just got hit with serious bad anxiety!

The thing I need to know is can all this cause my anxiety or is it just something else. I love him lots but think if the relationship is having this effect on me maybe I should get outr??? Please help!

[iam1butterfly]

The emotions can run so high that one can actually get a panic or an anxiety attack. In fact, the feeling can be so intense that people compare it to a heart attack. If your feelings and reaction to his behavior is making you physically and emotionally ill, then you need to realize that this relationship is probably not worth saving. Based on what you described, it sounds very unstable and it's taking its toll... on you! So, should you "get out?" and end it? YES. He's already disappointed you and destroyed your trust... you don't want to kill yourself and die for this guy, do you?

[Jennifer1987]

No, but what is making me think is that this happened close to 10-11 months ago and its only now that Iv got all this anxiety! why am I only getting the anxiety noe (never had a panic attack) I know now that he would not do it again and we have never heard from the ex again.... I know Iv let myself down by forgiving him, I always said Id never be with a cheater! Im a hypocrite! Lost A LOT of respect for myself.. Iv never told any1 about it omly 1 friend a couple of months ago.

But then again when I think about my future I dont see myself being with him! Its like I want it to magically happen with out the heaart break! Im afraid to let go cause I still love him.. I dont feel strong enough!

I dont want to die or kill myself for him but I do love him loads... Some people will ask why and others will think Im crazy but I do! I just want the anxiety to go!

[iam1butterfly]

The fact that you've only told 1 friend suggests that you're holding your feelings inside. And, holding in one's feelings creates unhappiness, frustration and, in some cases, physical illness. So, I suspect that suppressing your understandable pain may be causing the anxiety. That it's hitting you now... is simply your body's way of responding to that which you are not verbally expressing. Have you sufficiently vented your displeasure with what your boyfriend has put you through? What does your boyfriend say? Has he made positive and constructive changes to make amends with you? After all, he caused you all of this grief. If you don't see your future with him in it; then, you've already arrived to the realization that the relationship won't work out. I know that you love this guy, but is he really worth all of this aggravation?

[teko]

Bad, stressful relationships can make you physically sick. Not just anxiety, panic attacks but vomiting etc. What is it that you c in this guy? Your self esteem is suffering because you are allowing him to disrespect you in multiple ways.  I say lose this jerk, meet someone worthy of your trust and move on! Do not wast another second of your life on this cad no matter how much he begs you to. It is not going to get better.

[Jennifer1987]

I think I have some serious thinking to do! I know he loves me and he has made so many changes and a massive effort since it happened! he has regained my trust but Im thinking that my anxiety is there for some reason and it happened after an arguement! I must really consider my options and maybe have a chat with him!!!! Thanks for all the advise Il keep ye posted!

[mami1323]

You don't trust him!  That's where the anxiety is coming from.  Obviously him talking about going away for the weekend sparked it.  Deep down you feel like something may happen when he's away.  I know how you're feeling.  It is disappointment in yourself that is driving you insane.  My fiance cheated on me for a long time and when I found out and chose to work on our relationship I felt so mad at myself.  Like how can I take him back after he's done the worst thing to me.  Even now, 6 months later I wonder if I made the right decision.  He could be doing everything right (which he is), and I still get that feeling once in a while like why am I still with him.  I think that is normal, especially when we thought that we would leave them if they cheated.  Cheating puts a stigma on a relationship.  The person you are with is no longer the person you fell in love with.  They changed the dynamics to that relationship by stepping out.  The trust is broken and will never be regained 100%.  My fiance knows I still don't trust him and he knows I have not forgiven him.  It's a hard thing to do, even though I would love to feel what I used to feel for him.  It's not the same.  He's been so great too, better than ever, but it's still tarnished.  You ask any woman who has been through it, if she feels like her relationship is fully back on track after it and the answers will be the same.  It's a rough road to travel and yes, it can cause major anxiety.  I suffered from anxiety most of my life but when our relationship headed downhill, I had severe anxiety and panic attacks, to the point that I would pass out.  You need to think about your well being and if you think that this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then I think it's best to move on.  I might sound like the hypocrite now, only because I'm saying move on and I stayed with my fiance but we have a child together and you and your bf don't.  If I didn't have my son, I would've probably moved on with my life.  I'm not staying because of my son but he was a huge factor in why I'm trying to work on keeping the family intact.  Good luck and I wish you the best with whatever decision you make.

[Jennifer1987]

It was probably the worst thing to happen to me! I felt betrayed but I thought it was worth fixing! He has been great since, we have our down days but who doesn't. I wish he never cheated and then sometimes I wish I could have just got over him! But love hurts at times and its never easy! I wish things were back to normal, I could mumble on and on and on about it.. I see your point but its hard to realise that maybe I should move on! I don't know any more, its all a bit tough and hard to make a decision! I just read over that now and realised it doesn't make much sense! Hes also going away to work for a few months so thats not helping either!

[mami1323]

Believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel.  It was the worst thing to happen to me.  It happened while I was pregnant, carrying his child.  It continued on until my son was 9 months old.  Then I found out and it was the worst feeling ever.  I get so upset, angry and hurt still just thinking about it.  It is such a betrayal of trust and it basically makes you question them as a person and makes you question yourself because of self worth.  I felt like such a lame a$$ for taking him back.  How stupid I am for giving into him and letting him back in.  Wondering if he was who he said he was, remember to cheat is to lie.  So he lied to me for a couple of years, straight in my face.  At least your bf told you, I had to find out.  Because he told you meant he felt remorse for what he did, even though he did it, he felt horrible for it.  Mine only felt remorse when he got caught and realized his world was crashing down around him.  At least you can feel comfort in that.  How I feel after all of this is, every relationship has it's problems, not one is perfect.  Some are worse than others but if someone does something and truly regrets it and does whatever it takes to make it right then I believe they deserve that second chance.  But those second chances come at a price.  They have to understand that things will never be what they once were.  I guess, you have to decide within yourself if this is what you truly want.  Can you ever come to a place where you can try to let it go and move forward?  If you can't, then it will never work.  If you can then you have to manipulate your own thoughts and try your hardest to keep it in the past.  It's very difficult to do, I'm working on it every day.  Have you thought of some counseling for yourself?  That may help to come to terms with everything.  It doesn't seem like you've really been able to talk about what happened with any one and that may mean you are holding it all in.  I believe a poster above told you that.  It can really cause a lot of strife when you do that.

[Jennifer1987]

I never told anyone when it happened...Mainly because I didnt want anyone to think bad of him.. Everything you described above is what I feel and felt at the time! I never cheated on anyone I would never put a fella through the pain and hurt of it... My fella told me  because after trying to forget he couldn't. Im glad he told me because it shows he felt bad and sorry. It showed he has a consious!!! I am considering counselling, I have been thinking about it for a while now and it cant hurt really!!!!

I only told one friend and that was only 2 months ago! I couldn't keep it in any longer, but felt bad for telling someone then! You seem to be going through a lot, has your fella made changes to prove he love to and will never do it again????

[mami1323]

I was the same way with my friends.  Afraid they would hate him, which I didn't want them to only because I knew that I was giving him a second chance.  I didn't want them to judge him but he should be judged.  He did a messed up thing to me.  What I think I feared more then their judgement on him was their judgement on me.  I didn't want them to think I was stupid or weak.  But I did tell my friends and you know what none of them judged me.  They didn't even treat him differently even though I'm sure they disliked him.  They sucked it up because they loved me and trusted in my decisions.  I only know what's best for me and if it does go downhill again, I know they will be there for me no matter what.  Sometimes that support is really needed.  If they are true friends they will stand by you and not make you feel bad for staying.  Because honestly, no one knows what they will do in that type of situation.  Some say they would leave but won't, some will, everyone is different.

I've been through he!! of a lot.  I have a bunch of journal entries from when it started to what's been going on now.  He's changed a lot.  We are in counseling and have been for 6 months.  He's very open and communicative now.  He's extremely loving, patient and affectionate.  He's everything I wanted him to be but the problem is, that no matter how good he is, I still have that resentment.  It's hard for me to let go because I have been so faithful and loyal.  So the hurt is that much deeper.  But he tries to prove to me that he's being good and faithful.  He swears he learned his lesson and would never take that chance on his family again.  He knows the outcome of a repeat offense.  But honestly, you never really know.  I just have to move forward because if I spend my life wondering "what if" and spying on him constantly, I will never have peace in my life and I will never enjoy anything.  I can't do that to us, to my son and not to myself.  You just have to make that decision on your own.

[Jennifer1987]

I totally understand everything you said there!!! Its what I was and still kinda am feeling. He has showed me many ways that he is sorry and that he wouldn't do it again...Since the whole thing he has been more honest and open to me but I suppose there will always be the forgive but I will never forget aspect to it. if he did it again I can honestly say I wouldn't even let him 'explain', I would just cut all contact and get on with my life.. I think I must keep in mind too that Im only 21, still fairly young!

I just want to be 'me' again, Im considering counselling and a lot more changes!!!!

[mami1323]

Well then you need to make those changes for you.  You are still very young and have a whole life of living ahead of you.  Down the line you may realize that you are too good for him and deserve better.  But focus on yourself for a while, don't worry so much about him.  My therapist says, if the day does come and he had cheated again, I will be ok as long as I have the ability to care about myself more than about him.  I hope that makes sense.  I'm ready to go home from work soon and I'm rambling.  You can send me a private message if you want to talk without it being posted in a public forum.

[barber270]

I have suffered from severe anxiety for 12 years. Yes, it was from a bad relationship. I have tried so many medications to overcome it but it still exist. I thought I was the only one who suffered from such a depelitating disease. I pray everyday for God to take this away from me. My story is so much like many of yours. It has interfered with every aspect of my life. The worst part of it, it affects my relationships with my kids. I want to be happy and do fun things with them but it is so hard. I have tried making life style changes but it is always there and haunts me everyday of my life. I gave my all to this relationship and got nothing in return. The relationship only lasted 2 years. I cant' go anywhere we use to go, listen to music, or see anything that would remind me of him. 10 years have past and we met back up, trying to have a relationship, but my anxiety is always there. Both of us have changed alot and grown up. I just felt like he loved me years ago but really didn't. Or at least looking back, i don't think he did. Now we are trying again, and he has been good to me. But sometimes the anxiety is still there. It interfers with the relationship we have now, but it is MY anxiety from things that happened in the past that makes it hard for me to move forward. I don't want to mess this up. I wish my anxiety would just go away and perhaps I can live a fullfilling life.