Help please, need some advice before i go insane..

[Julie359]

Ok i know this should be posted over in the parents section but hardly anyone answers over there and seeing as this is about relationships i guess it's ok to post here, so please give this a chance and see if you can advice me as i'm at a total loss as to what to do.

Well my problem is i have 13yr old twin girls and a 6yr old girl, now the twins should as well be conjoined because they live in eachothers pockets, do everything together and are two peas in a pod.  However when it comes to the 6yr old it feels like to me that they truely HATE her.  All my little one wants to do is play with her big sisters but as soon as she gets within feet of them they start shouting at her, get up and walk out of the room or slam their bedroom door in her face leaving her all alone with no one to play with.

Because of my condition of having agoraphobia with severe social phobia i don't go out that much at all and don't have anyone around, so my little one's social life, at the moment anyway, is school life and when she is at home it's the four of us. The twins and my youngest have different fathers (hense the age gap) but neither father is in the picture so i'm totally alone in raising them.

Now i have tried numerous times to clear this issue up, have tried talking to the girls to find out why they treat her like they do.... they say it's because she doesn't listen to them and touches their stuff without asking but i do have to admit they over react to her in a big way.  I mean she only has to sit on their bed and they have a mental breakdown.  I have tried shouting at them, taking their most important items away from them like phones, MP3 players, pocket money, computer etc.... nothing works.

Anyway this morning i blew my top and went mad because over the weekend i haven't been too well, and last night asked the girls to take the little off to school for me, now she needs to be in school by between 8 and 8-20am for the twins to be at school on time... but i woke up at just after 8am and there is my little one sitting in bed reading a book saying she is starving and patiently waiting for the twins to tell her when it's time to get ready and make her some breakfast but they are in their bedroom with the door closed, listening to their MP3 players blasting out the music straightening their hair and putting make up on, looking more than ready for their day.  

Well i went totally mad and slapped each one around the head and took away their phones, MP3's again and their new bags and now they are all in school and i'm left wondering what on earth am i going to do about this situation.  I feel so utterly sorry for my little one as she tells me all the time how much she loves them and only last night drew them a lovely picture but when she gave it to them she might of well wiped her arse with it as they didn't batter an eyelid........ OMG what do i do?????

[Julie359]

Wow, thank-you all so much for taking the time to sit and write to me, it means a great deal and have taken alot from your words and i guess some of them have made me rethink about my situation, for the better i hope.

Thr first thing i will say is i am getting help with the agoraphobia.  I have a community worker who visits me once a week and we sit and talk both mine and the family issues.  I have seen a pychiatrist also before xmas and now this Thursday coming am seeing another therapist who will start to do exposure work with me so i can overcome this.  I know it's gona take time but i am determined due to i am aware of how it is affecting the girls and i have a deep seated guilt regarding this....I feel guilty everyday.

This problem between the girls has been going on for a few years now and has been steadily getting worse, however i have been ill since June of last year so i know this isn't a direct result of me falling ill.  Also even though i'm not functioning well outside the home, within the home i am doing all the stuff i am mean't to be, so i wouldn't say i am trying to push off my responibilities onto the twins cause i'm not, asking the twins to take her to school this morning was a direct result of me having some kind of virus which has left me with a fever, headache, weakness etc.... normally i take her to school and pick her up, so it's not a regular occurance.  Plus Rock Rose i really think under all the circumstances i am being a competant mother, far more than some mothers who live in my neighbourhood, due to i make sure they have a hot decent meal on the table in the evening after school and we all sit around the dinning room table and chat about our day, i do homework and revision with all 3 of them, i make sure they have clean, smart clothes on their back, i read Angel a bedtime story and have bonding time with all of them each night before bed and i cuddle them all the time and am constantly telling them i love them.  My focus and life is my girls so all my time goes to them. I try extremely hard each day to make sure i carry on as normal as i can.

To AHP84, thank-u so much so giving me the big-sis view on things, i am an only child so i have no clue as to how it feels having brothers or sisters younger or older.  I can understand how frustrated they must feel, feeling their space is being invaded but they turned into typical teenagers as soon as they get home from school they go straight into their bedroom and they don't come out till bedtime, i encourage them to so we can interact as a family rather than all separate entities under one roof. I don't refer to Angel as the little one, that was purely as i didn't know if i should give out their names or not on here and so reffered to her as so...lol When i am making a point with them i refer to her as their sister but i do often say they should know better as they are alot older and they may be but hitting her isn't acceptable at any age and i will not tolerate that.  I know also she isn't totally as her name suggests, she can be a bosy little madam at times and she gets the raw end of my tongue too, as i strive to have respect in the house, esspecially as there anit much outside of it....Kids think they can get away with blue murder where adults are concerned nowadays, but i'm old school in my parenting ways, if a child needs to be reminded of who the adult is then so be it, teaches respect.

Specialmom, i really like your suggestion though of the reward chart, i use to do this years ago with the twins and totally forgot about it.  It sounds like a much nicer and fun way of getting them all to interact together and i'm sure they all will appreciate what they earn a whole lot more than it just being given....i have got board games but the twins have said they named them board for a reason, cause thats what they make them bored!! LOL Maybe i need to invest in some new ones hey.

I do think my next tactic would be the reward system as i have done the family meetings, punishments, taking away, understanding etc .... and they all haven't worked so i guess all i can say is now is wish me luck and hope this works, so the girls are all feeling happier and get along better, cause when they are happy i am happy and i guess visa versa.

[AHP84]

I can somewhat relate to this situation, as I am the "big sister" and went through a time with my younger sister for years that was a lot like this.
My younger sister and I have nearly an 11 year age difference and different fathers. When she was born, I'd wanted more in my whole life than a younger sibling, so I was thrilled. When she was born, I babied her and took care of her just as much as my mom and now-ex-stepdad did; I changed her diapers, bathed her, dressed her, fed her, babysat her, bragged about her to anyone who would listen, etc. Then...she hit age three. Annnnd...I was thirteen. Lol.
Not only that, but her father was an alcoholic. He went from loving and accepting of me, treating me as his own daughter, to emotionally/verbally abusive towards me, blaming me for everything, and to top it off, basically stole my baby sister's love from me and turned her against me. He encouraged her to be nasty to me, and of course a young, impressionable toddler who is spoiled rotten by her daddy is going to eat up whatever attention she can get without understanding what she's doing. He turned her abusive towards me, and would go into a rage with me if I either defended myself from her hitting, kicking, spitting, name-calling, etc. or if I attempted to discipline her by putting her in time out or taking away a toy, etc. That encouraged her to do those things to me because she suffered no consequences. Another problem was my mom was not aware of what was going on so my sister and I had built up strong resentment towards each other by the time she was 4.
My mom and her father divorced by the time she was 6. When the divorce was finalized a year later, we were able to move away. But for my sister and I, the damage to our relationship had been done in her most impressionable years, so after moving away from her father and getting her away from his influences, it took nearly 6 years to rebuild our relationship and break down the resentment and bad habits of her behaviors and how I'd respond. By the time she was 12 and I was 22, we had become best friends. She's a great kid (we're now 14 and 25) and spend a lot of time together.
It seems the situation between your daughters is strained due to two main issues: 1) all of them are immature and incapable of truly expressing how they feel, so instead they are on the defensive with each other, and 2) that you have a life-altering issue of agoraphobia, which affects not only you, but them on a massive level.
Don't get me wrong here, as I'm not going to compare agoraphobia to alcoholism, BUT both issues affect the person with the problem AND the family in such a way that needs some sort of outside intervention to help the family work with each other to avoid the negative outcomes. I have no idea if you are seeking counseling of any sort, but I really think a family counselor that could work with you all in your home is greatly needed, as you are under alot of stress, I'm sure, with your condition and being a single parent to 3 girls, two being teenagers with raging hormones and emotions and the other being an impressionable child who can't even begin to understand the depth of the family situation.
I'm sure the older girls feel like their younger sister is the favored daughter, your baby, because to them it seems you are always defending her and wanting to shove her off on them to entertain her instead of finding kids her own age and setting up playdates and such. Sure, you have agoraphobia, but trust me, two 13 year old girls don't understand the full gravity of that. All 3 of the girls are still at an age where the world revolves around them and can't understand how actions, consequences, other peoples' emotions and life situations are all intermingled and can't be separated for convenience. Their minds and emotions are too immature to grasp that.
Your older girls maybe feel like they're being forced into a babysitting a (in their minds) brat that they have or want absolutely nothing in common with and can't relate to no matter what they try. They want their social lives, hair, makeup, boys, friends, school drama, teeny bopper music and TV shows...not Barbies, Hannah Montanna, coloring pictures and reading storybooks.
The 6 year old desperately wants to be "cool" like her sisters and try to do and be involved in their interests so she feels accepted, but instead they see it as her acting completely ridiculous because she gets it all wrong AND she messes up their stuff and their routinein the process. OMG...how inconvenient and ANNOYING! Lol.
Add you to the picture, telling the older girls they need to "be nice to her," and "she just wants to be accepted and loved by you," and "why can't you just give her the time of day," etc. and you need their help with her. I'm telling you, all they're hearing is "blah blah blah," from you and they think that YOU are the one who just "doesn't understand" and won't give THEM the time of day to attempt to even express that to you, because all you're concerned about is trying to force them to all get along and love and accept each other and play together. So when THEY shrug off their sister for even a moment, THEY get the brunt of your wrath, because THEY'RE the older ones and should "know better," whereas the younger one probably (in their minds) just gets a slap on the wrist because she's your baby and gets all your sympathy. Believe me, I know, because I got the "you're the older, more mature, sister and you know better, so ACT like it" speech and all the while, watching my sister just get, "leave your sister alone for a little while" spiel, or worse, nothing at all said to her. It wasn't that I was *totally* unwilling to spend any time with her...we just had nothing in common with our age gap, and years of bad habits and resentment to back that up.
I think what needs to be done for this situation is to first get a family counselor. Also, as Judy mentioned, stop referring to the six year old as the "little sister." I would even recommend not referring to her as the "younger sister," but rather, just their sister at all times, because then that sounds as if you're not showing age discrimination. Stupid, I know...but to ALL of them, it means something. To the older girls, the "little" part means the favored baby with all the priviledges and advantages, and to the younger girl, a potential sense of entitlement because she's "only X years old" and they're the "older kids who should know better." Oh yes, believe me...they think this way! The older girls feel like they've only got each other for their defense and understanding, and the younger daughter feels she only has you to really fall back on and defend her...see what I mean?
They really do love and care for each other deep down, so don't worry about that. :-) And secondly, it may be years down the road from now, but they will become the best of friends once they all reach a certain maturity level. And that is coming from someone speaking from experience. ;-)
Good luck, and I hope things can get worked out to a point where it's eased up for all of you!

[RockRose]

Julie,  I think you're completely ignoring the elephant in the room here.

I don't know how long you have been unable to function,  but that's the problem.  The twins don't want to step up and take over the mother role of the smaller girl,  because then they'd be stuck with it.  They're rejecting any kind of caretaking of the child because they don't want to be pushed into the role of the adults in the family.  They want you back,  doing that.

The more you try to push off the responsibilities of mother (getting the girl up,  supervising her breakfast,  etc) on to the twins and abdicating your role,  the more they are going to reject her.

You need to start living again,  Julie.  You need to step back in to the competent mother caretaker role and all this will iron itself out.

The first step is to call your family physician and say you're having severe anxiety,  and you need help.  The fear of getting out and facing this isn't going to kill you - although anxiety feels like it will.

Prayers you can work all this out and reclaim your independence and confidence.   The answer to that is not to force your 13 year olds into your role.

Best wishes.

[jo929]

you are going to have to help yourself with your problems of going out children need to go places, and learn how the other children act, also 13 is to old to be picking on their sister and they know it, but you must treat each child equal. and they need to earn what you buy them by trying to be good even the small ones you need other prople around and also other plymates for your children, all children should have their space but they all should have boundries, if they overstep them then take away something and do not relent and give it back untill they behave themselves.  luck  jo

[specialmom]

Hello . . . as the younger sibling . . . I feel your youngest daughters pain lol.  I'm an adult now but did feel my sister in our youth didn't pay any attention to me nor like me much . . . and I imagine what it would be like if she had a partner in crime with that.  I'm only 5 years younger than my sister but when we were little---  it felt like 20 years.

I was wondering about switching it a little . . . instead of punishing and taking away, etc. maybe rewarding would work better.  Make it in their best interest . . . a reward chart and you can call it the loving family chart or something like that.   Sounds like your little one will earn all her x's easily on the chart----  but your older girls will have to change some unkind habits.  You could also do it just with the older girls and have two jars with their names in it and if they act appropriately torward your younger daughter, they get a bean.  When they get to a certain number they get to do something they want to do or whatever the reward would be.  

What about conducting some family games----  all kids like games, right?  (i think they do . . .my kids are 13 yet so I may be wrong . . . but I always loved games at all ages)-----  get some family games that everyone can play.  Charades or apples to apples (with you as your young daughters partner if she can't read well yet), etc.  

I'd just try to really encourage them and do some talking about what it would be like to be her.  And have no fear . . . if they become tolerably kind to her now . . . when they are adults they will all be friends as I am now with my older sister!  good luck

[Judy246]

Hi Julie, ahhh sibbling rivary...2 against 1....jelosy, invading space and just plain old being mean. This happens will all families that have children. I have a nephew and niece (brother's and sisters) that fought like cat's and dogs from toddler age until now, college age, YET, God forbid if any outsider picks on the other from the outside. We were very concern that they truly hated each other and at times it turned to hitting. It's just the dynamics of being brothers and sisters or sisters with sisters. A love you hate you relationship.

Having different fathers is not the issues at all, it's just that the little one invades there space and they don't want to play with her because she's younger and they feel their space invaded, she's touching thing there things (she's just courious and wants to play and share).  Also, they notice how you defend her and punish them over her, so you also have to be very careful that it does not look as if you have preference to the little one (don't use "the little one" with them, use "your sister" and not "little", because it becomes a "little burdern" for them) because this will cause resentment towards both you and her.

Also, what a way to start the day and morning, by yelling and finding it necessary to hit and punish, I feel for you and for the girls too. They will  now be angry with you and still resent the little one (there sister).

It's time to have a family meeting and lay the law on their behavior towards there sister liability and consequences for all. Little one will also have to have rules on what is and is not exceptable for her too. Express concern on how they have been treating the little one who doesn't know any better and what is expected of all of them and there will be consequences for their decisions and actions. Tell them that you love them equally and don't want their arguments and mistreatments to have to be taken to a level of discipline and you need their help with responsibilities around the house and with the little one. Tell them if this continues, you will be force to take everyone to family counseling, which will take away from their fun personal time and friends, so what will it be? Help you out and be considerate towards you and their little sister (start using the words, "there little sister" instead of "the little one").

Also, change in language. Start using "younger sister"...talkes away from "little" to them and use words such as "share with each other",  "consequences for unexceptable behavior".

Also, start getting the younger one involved with little girls her own age group. Dance and ballet, arts and crafts (have daddy pay for it) :). Invite some friends or neighbors kids over for play time, but the twins need to (don't use have to, because they feel forced), pitch in and help out and within time, they will bond with her. I hope this helps a bit...Good luck, Judy