Hello,
We have many issues to work out, but the most pressing is the sexual aspect of our marriage. Here's the first. When my wife and I are having sex there is sometimes during penetration a strong odor (NOT fishy) that sometimes emanates from her vagina that is rather strong and turns me off / causes limpness -- this has only been an issue for the past year out of a 4 yr relationship. Douching does help, but it's not something she wants to worry about doing every time we have sex. She has been to the OBGYN and it is not a yeast infection, they are no help. She gets more offended than anything else when I bring it up during sex, and this is one part of a psychological sexual complex she has developed. Another thing that's bothered me was finding bits of toilet paper in her vagina / labia when I went down on her (this was a LONG time ago), which completely turned me off from doing it and it's literally been years since I've gone down on her.
I read that it's a normal thing for odors to change around a woman's menstrual cycle, but am starting to wonder if I will ever be able to accept the smell as "just her" and get through it and not lose my erection because of the distraction. Or is it perhaps her body chemistry and mine not mixing right, and am I just turned off by what is her natural smell? (That is not a rhetorical question, any advice/feedback would be really appreciated from people who are going through the same problem. I am not looking for people's random opinions.)
Also, I have trouble staying hard sometimes and have gone limp during sex several times -- she says that due to the constant rejection (over "smells", my not going down on her, lack of intimacy), crying in the bathroom as result, she has now lost "all desire" for me sexually, and we are talking about getting divorced.
I have taken E.D. medications before that do help to maintain an erection, but now my wife has developed a self-conscious "complex" due to the lack of intimacy during sex, the vaginal smell complaints, and the infrequency of sex. Before Xmas we were probably having sex a little less than once a week on average. Her words recently were "our sex in the past year has just "been f-*$#*& without a connection, just to ***". I have also had a lifetime porn addiction, and notice a marked decrease in my desire for several weeks after masturbating compulsively to internet porn. I had my issues with Porn over the last 4 years but she likes it too and so we've watched it together having sex which did not help the connection and intimacy issues we were having. I am able to discipline myself away from porn for weeks at a time and then notice an increase in sexual desire for my wife, and a healthy libido returns.
As she had been increasing unhappy about her surroundings where we reside, un-related to our sex problems, and lack of support network (we are away from both of our families), she started to talk about moving to another state to be closer to her family. Right now we only have each other, no close friends and her sister whom she is very close with is in this other state. This move was not originally part of our plan so it was a SHOCK when she mentioned it to me one morning, followed by a 1 week trip out there by herself to see her ailing grandmother, which left me at home where I fell off the wagon and masturbated compulsively (6X a day or more) to porn. This occurred before Xmas weeks later I have not felt a high desire for her, albeit having returned back to abstinence. The problem now is she will not have sex with me, and we are going to counseling in early February to see if the counselor has any ideas for us that can help keep our marriage together.
It's largely my fault because when I masturbate (she works nightshift 3X / week) too much even without porn, I am not in the mood usually for a couple days which causes problems when she is available, but I'm not. All her friends at work say "oh, we have sex at least 2X a week" so this confirms our issues, and her resentment of me.
If anyone can offer feedback, relate to this situation, or provide some advice that would be appreciated as we are truly best friends, but have been lacking the other half of our marriage, the sexual, intimate part which is as if not more important. I am willing to do whatever I can to save our marriage, but I am afraid I am too late.
Thank you.